A/N This came to me in the car ride home from a trip to NY. I wanted to write a humorous one-shot, please read. If you like it, please read 'Ginny, Colin, and the Apple Pie of Doom.' I don't own Harry Potter. This is kind of like Harry Potter in a muggle high school. But it went waaaaaay off-track. Enjoy!
The first bell rang loudly, telling Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger that they needed to get ready to go to homeroom. The trio glanced at their schedules, to see who their homeroom teachers were.
"I have Professor Binns," said Ron gloomily. "I think Fred and Gworge said he's the history teacher."
Fred and George were two of Ron's older brothers. They were the mischievous junior twins.
Hermione stared at her schedule, brushing her bushy brown hair out of her eyes. "I have Professor Snape, the chemistry teacher," she added. She grimaced. The upper class told stories about Snape and how greasy he was. If Hermione wasn't such a know-it-all, than she would say something rude about him.
Before Harry could tell them his teacher, Ron's younger sister, Ginny Weasley approached them. Although her name is Ginevra, the author introduces her as Virginia, because she is too incompetent to know otherwise. The author also does not remember that if the trio is in freshman year, Ginny should still be in eighth grade. But ignore that, okay?
"OMG guys," Ginny said, talking like an American airheaded teenager instead of a British redheaded teenager. "I just saw Draco Malfoy, and he is looking so HAWT! I'm going to flirt with him even though I'm supposed to hate his guts!"
Ginny pranced off, thinking about Draco, rainbows and sparkly unicorns.
Hermione looked at Ron. "I luv ur shirt Ron! It is so ah-dor-ah-ble!" she switched to text talk as Ron showed off his shirt from a muggle band that didn't exist yet.
"Dont you guys love it? The author forgot to describe it earlier," Ron said, beaming as he unzipped his Aeropostale jacket. This made perfect sense, since her Hermione had x-ray vision and could see his shirt under his jacket, am I right?
After first period, when they had biology with Professor Sprout, Harry (who never told his friends who his homeroom teacher was) decided to tryout for the football team (their in America, so it's not soccer, it's actually football) and went to talk to Oliver Wood, the captain.
Along the way he passed Ginny, who was feeling Draco's muscles, and Harry was so distracted by this that he didn't even notice that the author used the wrong form of 'there' in her last parentheses.
"Hello Oliver Wood, old pal," Harry greeted, his voice lowering a few octaves. Even though they had just met, Harry knew him enough to refer to Wood as 'old pal.'
Wood looked up from his lunch, as even though it was only second period he was already eating lunch. Oliver Wood was a special boy.
Once it had been decided that Harry would become the star quarterback, he turned around and bumped into a girl.
The readers cringe. This girl could only be one of two people.
A) She could be his long-lost sister, who ends up befriending everyone and eventually saving the day but failing to save herself as she takes a killing curse aimed for Harry, Ron, Draco, or any other canon boy.
B) She could be his long-lost best friend who he ends up falling for even though it's forbidden because she is secretly evil (the daughter of Voldemort, Bellatrix, the Malfoys etc) but besides that she ends up befriending everyone and eventually saving the day but failing to save herself as she takes a killing curse aimed for Harry, Ron, Draco, or any other canon boy.
Who could she be? This question is soon answered.
"Hi Harry," the girl chirps. "I'm Winter Sapphire Esmerelda Hailey Gwendolyn Malfoy Snape Riddle Black. My mother was Snape's sister, and she married Tom Riddle, but unfortunately, she was having an affair with Lucius Malfoy, and here I am!"
Harry was confused. "What about your surname 'Black?' How does that fit?" he asked, puzzled.
"My mother and father died, so I was raised by my godparents. I'm not sure who they are, but their last name is Black."
Smiling Harry understood. "As long as its not another long-lost sister, I'm okay," he said, grinning.
Winter added, "Oh, and this is my best friend and half-sister, Lucinda Potter. She's your twin, the girl-who-lived. She was raised by your father's professor's sister's best friend's cousin." Another girl popped up, she was identical to Harry, only reversed (she had Lily's hair and James's eyes.
"So your my half-sister too?" Harry said after processing that long speech.
Winter nodded. "So we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend. Pity, I had a dress that matches your eyes perfectly." She disappeared after that. Harry rejoined Ron and Hermione.
So much time had passed during their exchange that it was time for P.E. which Hermione was terrible at. Multiple people threw dodge-balls at her.
"Take that, mudblood!" Draco taunted. Even though they were normal teens, this insult still made sense.
"Ferret!" Hermione yelled back. Draco suddenly noticed her curves and her lusciously long hair that was very bushy at the beginning of this story.
He decided to ditch Ginny and date Hermione, making Ginny declare a duel to the death on Hermione.
As they fought, Harry introduced Ron to his sister, who hadn't said a word since she was introduced. Lucinda fell instantly in love with Ron, but knew that since she was part fairy-mermaid-vampire-wizard-unicorn-dragon-mountain goat, they could never be together. (This makes the readers wonder how much of her is actually human.)
"I don't care if you're only one-eighth human," Ron cried. He got down on one knee and pulled out an engagement ring that he always carried around with him. "Lucinda Potter, will you become Lucinda Potter-Weasley?" he asked.
Lucinda nodded, still not speaking. Ron slipped the ring on her finger. Suddenly, a short goblin-like creature hobbled out of nowhere, ripped the ring off her finger and hobbled away again, mumbling something that sounded like, "My precious!"
They were confused, but not as confused as Ginny, who was losing brain cells as Hermione bonked her over the head repeatedly with a dodgeball.
Madam Hooch, the gym teacher, came out of her office eating circus peanut shaped marshmallows like popcorn watching the drama unfold.
In another corner, Neville Longbottom was chasing a green-hued Seamus Finnegan around the gym screaming, "Trevor! I found you!"
Luna Lovegood, who for once was the only normal person, decided to teach Cho Chang Pig Latin, because it was normal and Luna deemed it more useful than boring old regular Latin.
"eyTha reAe ctingAa rangelySTa," Luna said, making Cho think her pants were on fire. Cho ran to get the fire extinguisher. On the way, she bumped into Hermione. This blow knocked some sense into her.
"Ginny, we shouldnt be fighting over this ferret! We are best friends!"
The girl in question kicked Hermione in the shin angrily. "Says you! Eat Ron's sweaty gym socks!"
Hermione choked on the sock. Ron rushed over, crying, "I'll save you!" He removed the sock from Hermione's mouth, attempting to nurse it back to health.
Cho thought it was on fire as well (this time Luna said, 'Draco's fly is down,' not 'The sock is on fire') and sprayed it with the foam from the extinguisher. Luna was cleaning off her pants, because she had been sprayed too.
Meanwhile, Seamus the Trevor substitute was sneaking around humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme, while also trying to take Madam Hooch's marshmallows. Neville had given up on capturing Seamus and was content with following him and crying, "He's Perry! Perry the Platypus!"
Luna muttered something else in Pig Latin, and Cho interpreted it to mean that a beetle was drowning in the Nile. So she tried to book a plane to Egypt from the front office so she could save it.
During this, Ron was searching for the hobbit who stole Lucinda's ring, and the Potter twins were exchanging childhood stories.
Hermione and Ginny had decided to settle their dispute like grownups and were engaged in a full-fledged thumb war. Draco watched, slightly amused and trying to ignore the fact that Seamus and Neville were throwing large peanut-shaped marshmallows at him. He could not ignore Cho, who was shaking him and screaming something about beetles or whatever.
Out of nowhere, Lord Voldemort and Snape were doing the can-can while wearing long dressed and petticoats. So Seamus began to pelt them with marshmallows.
Madam Hooch blew her whistle, and Lucius and the Death Eater song group began to sing a ballad about how no one understood them and whatnot.
Winter applauded her father, but everyone else booed (including the peanut throwers, thumb-wrestlers, ring thieves and beetle lovers) the singers.
"Isn't this karaoke night?" Bellatrix asked, looking around.
Madam Hooch was enraged. "This is a center for learning! So unless you are a sweaty teenager, get of my gym!"
"They're not even learning," Bellatrix asked, gesturing to Luna (who was muttering in Pig Latin), Ron (who was fighting a hobbit for his engagement ring) and Seamus (who was breaking up the thumb wrestling match with his marshmallows).
Madam Hooch noticed that Seamus had her candy, but before she could pounce, Neville jumped on her back and cried, "I've got you, Dr. Doofenshmirtz! Help me Carl!"
Dean Thomas was leaning against the wall and rolled his eyes. "Look Neville, if you want to some kind of Phineas and Ferb reenactment, fine, but do it on your own. I will not be Carl, because he is boring!"
"Hey!" Everyone turned to see the real Carl poke his head into the gymnasium. "I am not boring! I am an awesome intern!"
At the same time, all of the others said, "Are not!"
But he was forgotten, as Cho burst through the door, sopping wet and holding a beetle as large as someone's fist. She was wearing safari hat, and was out of breath.
By now, you would think Luna would know to stick to English, or even normal Latin, but she said to Seamus (in Pig Latin), "Can I have a marshmallow?"
Cho screamed and crawled into the fetal position, whimpering. "Leave us alone, aliens," she yelled. "We will not take you to our leader!"
Ron stopped fighting for his ring long enough to add, "If we are, I am not voting for it to be Cho." The others gave murmurs of agreement.
Seamus rushed over to the hobbit and stuffed marshmallows in his mouth. The hobbit hissed and spat. He ran off screaming, and Ron got to keep his ring. But it was so beaten up by now that he threw it away.
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Lavender Brown was gazing at her reflection in a small mirror on the door of her locker, which was directly outside the gym.
A stampede (that included random Harry Potter OCs who had fallen in love with the hobbit and his strange skirt/toga/kilt/rag thingie that they had to have him as a pet) ran over her as she screamed.
"I just got a French manicure! Have some heart!"
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Back in the gym, things were returning to normal. Madam Hooch made the class do jumping jacks while she glared at Seamus for eating all her marshmallows.
Years later, they all took different paths in their lives.
The Death Eater song group made the big time, taking Winter with them, because as Malfoy's daughter, she had to play bass guitar at their next gig, which was at the Leaky Cauldron.
Ron and Lucinda ran off into the sunset, got married, and had a son, also named Ron, who grew up to fight a blue guy with some girl whose belly-button was always showing.
Hermione and Ginny vowed to be BFFWNFOB (best friends forever who never fight over boys) and became nuns. I assure you however, they look great in those robe-thingies.
Draco went to law school so he could be the first lawyer for animals that are confused between mammals and rodents (such as ferrets, possums, and the likes).
Luna became a Pig Latin instructor, but she taught Pilates on the weekends. Later in her life, she opened a fire-extinguisher factory.
Neville grew up to take over Major Monagram's job as head of OWCA. The other animals (and Carl) accepted him.
Seamus decided to persue his dream working at the circus as an acrobat/peanut-shaped marshmallow vendor. Dean assisted him as the ringmaster. No one saw this coming.
Cho wanted to be a Vegas showgirl, but that didnt work out. Instead she discovered seventeen different types of beetles on a safari in Africa.
Harry was a professional ping-pong champion in the Olympics for Sports Most People Don't Realize are Real Sports.
Lavender went to cosmetology school and developed a mask that protects your face from stampedes of hobbit-crazed fangirls.
Harry sat up in his bed in a cold sweat. That had to be the strangest dream ever. The nose of him stirring woke his dorm mates.
"Bad dream, mate?" Ron asked.
Shaking his head, Harry answered, "No, just weird. There were beetles and marshmallows. I was a ping pong champ. You were fighting a hobbit, Hermione and Ginny were nuns, Dean and Seamus joined the circus, Neville was a secret agent and Malfoy was a ferret lawyer."
His friends eyes grew wide. "Do not go on, because I am scarred," Seamus said.
"Yeah, some things you can't un-see," Dean added. Neville nodded in agreement. But Harry turned back to Ron.
"And you married my sister."
Ron's mind was blown. "Wow. That is wicked man. Was she good-looking?"
His question was met with a pillow to the face. So they all went back to sleep without discussing the topic any further.
The end.
Okay, I don't know where the marshmallows or Pig Latin came from, but I used references to The Lord of the Rings (the whole Hobbit, engagement ring
Ordeal), Phineas and Ferb (most of Neville's lines were references), and Kim Possible (the Ron and Lucinda's son Ron part). I was very bored.