He was such a mess. He was a failure. He was nothing. A complete zero without him. It was getting heavier and heavier, he just couldn't bear it anymore. The loneliness. He was feeling lonely even though he had plenty of friends now, no bullying, nothing. It was also ironic that he was the reason to that. Saying good-bye is always hard, he knew it. But the thing was... they never said good-bye. He just left. Not a note, not a message, not a phone call- he just left. Without an explanation, without telling him the reasons why he would let go. He promised not to let go. He did.

He made himself promise he wouldn't think of him. Yet, he was doing it. He was never going to let the pressure of memories destroy him. But, he just couldn't stop thinking about him. He loved the bittersweet feeling in his stomach whenever he thought of him. There were some times he thought if he ever stops thinking about him, he would forget him. Nobody wants that, right?

He remembered that day as if it were yesterday. He remembered going to his house because he didn't answer any of his phone calls. His father had opened the door. Looking at him as if he was trying to remember who he was. Kurt asked can he please see Blaine. Answer was simple. "He moved out." "He couldn't do it here so he transferred to another school in Los Angeles. Such a good thing for him, actually. He is living with his uncle now. That boy, he sure has transferred a lot this year."

He remembered saying "Thank you, sir, have a good day." His father didn't know about their relationship. That was the day when Kurt realized it. Well, that was also the day their relationship ended. He could still remember going to home and feeling nothing for a while. He slightly remembered checking out the rooms- to make sure he was alone. When he was sure... He started crying. Crying so hard that he thought his eyes were gonna come out. He thought it was a joke. Just a practical joke Blaine was doing. He was going to pick up his phone eventually and say "Oh, did you really buy that?" He was going to laugh, Kurt was going to feel relieved. And boom, problem solved. But no, he didn't pick up his phone. Because it wasn't even a phone number that was in use anymore. He cried like crazy. He couldn't stop it. He was a weak person. He was weak, he was stupid, he was a loser. That was probably why he left him. He looked everywhere to find something, anything that belonged to him. Only thing he found was a Dalton hoodie. A red Dalton hoodie with the smell of his perfume. He hugged it and smelled it, thinking he was there, lying on bed with him- hugging him, perhaps. Saying everything was going to be alright. Saying that as long as they are together, it's alright. Saying he won't let him go. Never. He remembered crying himself to sleep. Such a nightmare that year was. Couldn't sing, couldn't think, couldn't focus on anything. He was wearing the same clothes he wore the other day- well, who cares? He didn't. He knew that the life he had, the world he knew- ended when he left him. That day, it ended. Just like that.

But now, he said to himself, I shouldn't be thinking of him. He isn't here anymore. It has been over a year now. I should focus on my exams. Now that almost everybody graduated, I should focus on the Glee Club. I should focus on my life.

Just another day. No big deal. I am better off alone.

He wasn't all miserable, you know. He had wonderful friends, a loving dad, a good family. There was even boys that were asking him out. (He never said yes to anyone though) Everything he needed. Everything was like how they should be. The only reason he was so bumped - well it was because he never got a good explanation. He couldn't reach him, he couldn't just- he couldn't just tell him he was such a dick.

He was sitting in that coffee house they used to go. Drinking his coffee. Alone, again.

"Oh why, are they gay? Oh my God, that's so embarrassing. I'm a gay men magnet."

Kurt listened to their conversation as they walked in. Two girls, giggling, talking about a cute gay couple. He closed his eyes. A cute gay couple. Coming to this coffee house to hang out. He opened his eyes and decided he should leave. He felt like he should leave immediately for some reason.

"Stop it, Blaine! Just stop!"

His heart was in a race. It was pumping like crazy. There are tons of people named Blaine in the world. He is in Los Angeles now, Kurt. It is not him. He is either in L.A with his uncle or he is in some shit place, fucking guys for fun. Because that's what dick-heads do. Dick-heads like him. They leave their boyfriends for fun, never call them again, disappear like what hey had was nothing, then, they fuck some other boys.

"I'm just having f-"

It was his voice. It was him. IT WAS HIM. What to do? What should I do? What is he doing here? He couldn't think straight for a while. Then he turned around to check if it was only his imagination or not. Their eyes met. Kurt wasn't going to weep. He was there, standing two inches away. He was there with that guy, that guy had blond hair, blue eyes or were they green? He didn't think he was cute, he couldn't think about anything but Blaine. What was he doing in here? Why was he in here? Who was that guy? Could his eyes look any better than they do know? WAS KURT CRYING ALREADY? He felt the tears on his cheeks. He felt like his face was on fire. He was there, standing near to his table- their table, looking at him like he was as shocked as Kurt was. Why was he even shocked? He left him alone in this town and if he decided to come back... Well, it wasn't the most shocking thing to find Kurt sitting alone in their favorite coffee house, sitting at their table.

"Do you- do you guys know each other? Oh my, Blaine, is he OK? Are you OK?"

He felt the boy's hand on his shoulder.

He pushed his hand away. It was like a reflex or something. He just stood up, practically ran towards to the door and left the coffee house.

He couldn't stop crying. Why was he weak? What was happening? Did he see Blaine? Did he hear him speak? He dreamed about it all the time. He thought if he would come back to town like ever, he was going to yell at him. He was going to say hurtful things maybe, he was going to make him hurt as much as he hurt Kurt. Instead, all he did was to cry like a baby, leave the coffee house, can't breathe properly and forgot which way he should go.

He never had a tiny hope that he would come back but he would dream about it anyway. In his dreams, Blaine would be crying, apologizing, saying that he regretted what he did every day.

Just when he started to believe it was a dream after all, somebody touched his shoulder. He understood it wasn't Blaine just by the feeling of the touch. It was someone else.

"Hey, are you all right?"

He was that boy. That boy who came to the cafe with Blaine.

"No, I'm not. Why did you come after me? Who are you? What do you mean to Blaine? Where is Blaine, anyway? Is he still in the coffee house?"

Instead, he just nodded.

"I do not do this a lot. I mean, I do not run after some random guy I saw in a coffee house. But, you seemed so upset and well, Blaine just stopped talking after he saw you. He completely froze. He insisted that he didn't want to come and- well, I just wanted to ask if you guys were friends?"

Kurt got a lump in his throat. He tried to swallow the feeling of being miserable.

"Yeah, we were friends", he said. He couldn't believe that was his own voice. It was so weird, so weak, like he were the Kurt from 3 years ago. I can't let him ruin my life, again. He thought.

"Oh sorry if he was a jerk to you. He is just like that. Always the same, heartless Blaine."

He wanted to laugh at that boy. He wanted to say, Always the same, heartless Blaine? Really? He is the most wonderful guy I've ever known. So, you must be talking about another Blaine. What I think I saw there was just a hallucination, then, huh? Great. Now, I can go back to my house. Right. Problem solved.

"I'm Ian, by the way."

The boy gave Kurt a half-smile.

Kurt nodded again and started to walk. He left that Ian boy over there, made his way to his house.

He was shivering like crazy when he finally got home. He didn't check if rooms were empty because he knew he was alone. After Finn left for NYU, Carole and Burt started to visit him more every day. Kurt was okay with that, though. He wanted be alone. Especially when he is going through the very same thing- that one thing that made him go much more weaker. Losing Blaine was hard but now he was realizing that seeing him again was harder. He didn't want to think about why he was here or what should Kurt do if he sees him again. He just reached out for the hoodie under his pillow and hugged it again. He hated himself for being vulnerable. He cried himself to sleep like he did-almost-two years ago.

He hated Blaine for letting go.

He hated Blaine for showing up after one and a half years.

He hated Blaine for bringing that Ian boy with him.

He hated Blaine for not coming after him.

He hated himself forstillloving him.

Author's note:

My English isn't good, I'm just writing things that I like- so don't judge me if you see any grammar or spelling mistakes. I'm trying to do my best and reviews are really- really important to me because this is my first attempt to write a fanfic in English. Well, it's a big deal for me so I hope you guys would understand that.

Thank you!