For a Droll Story
Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can.
~Danny Kaye
This story is transcribed from a set of emails discovered on a strange memory stick; though we have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which we now offer to the public fell into our hands. After much research, we were able to piece together the story. It appears to have happened immediately before Queen Susan and King Edmund departed on their voyage to Calormen to visit Prince Rabadash.
~o*o~
Lucy sighed and exited the webpage. Something had gone wrong with the internet access again. She closed her laptop and looked up. She was in the Lantern's Waist Café, one of her favorite haunts. The lamppost itself was in front with the sign of the café hanging from the cross trees. You had to pay a silver tree to go look at the Wardrobe which was integrated into the back.
"Are you ready to order yet, your majesty?"
Lucy looked up to see a naiad with a notepad looking down at her.
"Um…" Lucy pursed her lips, "How about a High King Burger and a Turkish delight smoothie and a cup of Lantern's Own Pine Tree Tea?"
"Very good your majesty, anything else?"
"No thank you," Lucy shook her head, then pulled out her Narnia Wireless Strawberry. There was one new text from Peter.
'Greetings dear sister.
I received a message from a suspicious source that you might be in trouble.
Is this true?
Yr. Royal Brother,
Peter, High King.
PS If you could do something about the squriil issue, I would be most grateful.
P, HK.
Sent from my manly red-and-gold iPhone, serviced by Lion Communications, Inc.'
Lucy shrugged and smiled, half wondering what she should write back. With a sigh, she opened her laptop and tried her emails again. It worked!
'Greetings Queen Lucy!
This message is just telling you that all technical issues that your computer was involved in are now fixed. I decided to turn my sights on bettering our wireless internet connection. I discovered that the problem was not entirely the rabbit at caldron pool (though he does create interference) but that Martin the centaur was having a duel and leveled one of our towers. I'm going to have a Martin the centaur detector put on the next one, it squirts perfume when disturbed.
Yr. Secrt. Adg.
443
Sent From My Transitfone.'
Lucy paused, hands over the keyboard. Hurriedly, she typed back.
'Wifi would be nice to have. Could you have it set up in Lantern's Waist Cafe? I hate having to plug my laptop in all the time…
Lu.'
Lucy closed her laptop again, unplugged it and put it in its bag. Her High King sized burger was placed on the table and as she looked up to say thank you, she froze. The waiter was not the naiad at all, but obviously a Gary Stu and she didn't like the way he was smiling at her.
Hurriedly she whipped out her iPhone and texted Peter.
~o*o~
Peter was in a conference when the message came in from Lucy.
'Peter! Come over here, I have a Gary Stu just for you...he doesn't realize that I will never fall for him if he ties the ropes too tight.
PS: what's a 'squriil'? Tell Ed about it, if it's a type of law he'll get it passed. I really don't have time right now.
Sent From My Narnia Wireless Strawberry'
Peter stared, eyes wide.
"I just knew it," he muttered, thumbs flying.
'Come there? But I can't make it in time! Anvard is a day's ride from the Cafe. I'm starting now, anyway. That wretch.
See you soon,
P, HK
A squirrel, my PC let me down.
Sent from my manly red-and-gold iPhone, serviced by Lion Communications, Inc.'
~o*o~
Meanwhile 443, Lucy's secret agent and bodyguard, was trying to reach the queen. She was a leopard, and quite remarkable with the keyboard and other technical devices. She had attended the University of Narnia and majored in Math (unfortunately, since she is still active, I cannot disclose her name).
443 checked her emails again and was on the verge of sending out a stealth bat when an email came in.
'443, I was just tied up by an extremely revolting Gary Stu and I have just managed to type this with my nose.
Lu'
443 whipped around and raced to the window.
"Night Shadow!" she called to the bat hanging in the corner, "I want you to send out a squadron of griffons to the Lantern's Waist Café immediately!"
Quickly, she sent a reassuring text to the Queen.
'I will contact your RBs again, and just in case, I'm sending a squadron of griffins from the base here. Did you ever hear from your RBs?"
443'
Almost at once, Queen Lucy wrote back.
'Gee thanks! I need help NOW! I just can't take Gary Stus that pretend to be wild Indians with long greasy hair, shirts flying open and New York accents...I just can't take it any longer. Right now he's on his knees swearing undying love! Why did this have to happen! I'm not as pretty as Susan!
Lu,
PS: at least I'm getting really good at typing with my nose; I've already looked up Gary Stuacide on the internet. I'm ordering some right now from Amazon . na, maybe it'll show up sooner then you will.'
At once, 443 took a flying leap out the window. She was coming to the rescue.
~o*o~
Peter on the other hand was riding hard. King Lune had offered him the use of his magic carpet, but magic carpets can only go so fast. Not to mention the refueling stops. Peter preferred horses.
Every five minutes, he glanced at his iPhone. Finally a message came in.
'Just hurry up! Or else I will end up with major psychological issues and I will wander the castle chanting strange incantations.
Lu
PS: that's fine, I'd still advise you to tell Edmund about it. Right now I feel like exterminating all humanity. Squirrels are much nicer.
Sent From My Narnia Wireless Strawberry'
Peter slowed his horse to a canter and wrote back. It takes rare talent to text and ride at the same time. Peter was a master.
'I'm almost home. We've just stopped at a watering hole to water the horses.
P, HK
Has anyone heard from Ed since that strange Mary Sue incident? I haven't.
Ed, if you are reading this, please do the reappearing act. A kingdom can't run itself.
P.
Sent from my manly red-and-gold iPhone, serviced by Lion Communications, Inc.'
Two minutes later Lucy wrote back.
'Good, but I won't need you. I figured out that the Stu made the ropes out of chewing gum and I was out in a moment. I think the Stu sustained injuries to his head. I'm at the Cair now.
Thanks anyway for your superhuman efforts to get here! I am writing this with my feet in a tub of hot water, Susan keeps muttering about inadequate body guards.
Lu
PS: what sue incident? I think I missed something. Did anyone spray her with Sueicide?
PPS: I was thinking about the squirrel issue. They dislike the internet. They say that it takes away their natural right of carrying messages. Someone needs to convince them that the internet is not a threat.
Sent From My Narnia Wireless Strawberry'
Peter pulled up his horse and sat there for a moment…all that riding for nothing? Chewing gum? What? He didn't even bother writing back, but turned his horse east. An hour later, he and his bodyguard approached Cair Paravel. They could see the wind turbines towering above the city and Peter could see the flash of sunlight off the solar panels on the castle roof. A flying horse trailing an advertisement for Beaver's Anti Yellowing Agent Non-Fluoride Toothpaste flashed overhead.
"Well," Peter said, glancing at Peridan, "Shall we head to the Cair? I'm near starving."
~o*o~
Lucy took her feet out of the hot water and curled up on her window seat with her laptop. 443 had gone missing and she checked to see if there were messages from her. There were none. She had already written to say she was safe, but 443 was notorious for being very one track minded. Lucy created a new message.
'My bottle of Stuicide just arrived in the mail via Unicorn Postal Service and I see Peter galloping into the courtyard.
PS: I have a strong urge to go to the dungeon and see if this stuff works.
PPS: do you know where Edmund is?'
She glanced up at the bottle where it sat on her bureau. Stuicide: guaranteed to last!
There was a knock on her door and Susan slipped inside.
"Hullo!" Lucy said grinning.
"Lord Peridan says it's time for supper," Susan said. "He spent all morning trying to install LED lights in the Throne Room."
"How are all the robotic vacuum cleaners working?" Lucy asked closing her laptop and standing up.
"The talking hounds love them," Susan said, "They spend all their time chasing them around. There was one unfortunate episode when one of the dogs accidently knocked one down the cellar stairs. He says he'll go good on the damages."
"Good for him." Lucy said. "Peter just texted me, he wants to know if we're coming down to dinner."
"We'd better go, then," Susan said, hooking her arm through Lucy. "I must be so behind times! Everyone has an iPhone or a laptop and is texting right and left and I only have my old desktop PC."
"I know what to get you for your birthday, then!" Lucy laughed, "I'm pretty tired. Mind if we take the escalator down?"
"Of course not," Susan said.
"How is Rabid…?" Lucy asked.
"Well…" Susan said, "I think Rabadash is the same as ever and I do wish you would stop calling him 'Rabid'. It's unkind."
"Well, I'm certainly glad he went home this morning, I saw him waving from the fortieth deck of the cruise liner. I wish someone would come up with something better then sails to power those things with. By the way where is Edmund?" Lucy asked, "Do you know?"
"Um," Susan said, "It had something to do with the ball last night. Probably got on his nerves."
A/N: Is anyone having trouble differentiating the texts from the rest of the story?
I hope everyone has recovered from their Christmas Hangovers. (Happy boxing day, by the way!) I did post the last chapter of 'East of the Sun and West of the Moon' if you're interested. (Which you may not be). Can't stick around, as I have school work to do. (No Christmas vacation for me!)
~Psyche