This was originally one of the most serious stories I have ever written. Ever. It was also about three chapters long. But then my friend somehow convinced me to rewrite it in Dante-language, and this was the result. Dante telling Nero about his "rescue", and shaming Vergil in the process. Anyway, I do still have the original, and I can type it up if enough readers want me to, but for the moment, this is a oneshot, yaoi, and a tad on the mental side. Read, review and enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, but as far as my friends and I are concerned, Dante and Vergil are totally my lovers.

Dante's 'Daring' Rescue

Dante, Vergil and Nero sat around the table in the Devil May Cry office, the demon hunter and Nero with bottles of beer, while Vergil sipped at his sherry. The elder twin had returned to earth only a few days ago, and already he was exasperated with his brother. Vergil just rolled his eyes as Dante regaled the teen with the tale of his 'daring' rescue.

"Hardly 'daring', Dante. You didn't really do much of anything. Given the time to heal, I could have easily walked out of there," Vergil scoffed.

"Oh, shush you, stop raining on my parade, it'll only ruin your hair."

"Come on, old man," Nero interrupted before the twins could start bickering again. "You gonna tell me this story or not?"

"You see, Verge? You're just distracting the kid from my storyline, stealing my spotlight, as always. Now... where was I?"

I had been fine, y'know? I mean, my world does not revolve around Vergey. We all know it revolves around me, and I am perfect. Naturally. It had been years since Vergil had raised Temen-Ni-Gru, had tried to unleash hell, since he had leapt to the demon world, only to return as Nelo Angelo and be sent right back where he came from. As I said, it had been years. I was over it, come to terms with it and such, had been for ages.

Or, I thought I was.

It was Nero's fault really. Before he had shown up, I was living the usual life. And then he went and found Yamato, fixed it up, and his devil trigger was just... so typically Vergil. Roaring for more power, regardless of the amount he already had, when really he should have been roaring for some common sense. Definitely Nero's fault. Stupid kid.

But after that I just couldn't let it go. I had to get him home sooner or later, and I wasn't going to sit still until I had.

"Be careful, Dante," Vergil interrupted, "It almost sounds like you missed me."

"Nonsense, I just missed seeing my pretty face all the time, that's all."

"Oh, of course, how foolish of me. Though I will point out that, being the eldest, it's actually my handsome face, not yours," Vergil remarked, pouring himself another glass of sherry, a snide smirk gracing his sharp features.

"Verge, don't even try that with me, we both know you do impressions of me in the mirror when you get out of the shower, I've seen you. Therefore, you think our face looks better on me."

"I-"

"Guys, seriously? Argue like a married couple some other time and just finish the story already!" Nero snapped.

"Oh, right, yeah. Heh, whoops. Anyway..."

So, yeah, I had finally arrived at hell, and let me tell you, that place is not somewhere you want to hang around on a full stomach. I'd only been down there a few minutes, and already I was covered in blood and all sorts of who-knows-what, carrying the, uh, 'pleasant' scent of demon corpse with me.

I had to spend a good half hour just ripping through a horde of scarecrow demons, and I was starting to get pretty damn frustrated. I mean, really, would it have killed Vergil to stay somewhere near the gates, like a good boy, instead of prancing off into the depths of hell? I, personally, think he did it just to annoy me.

"I do not prance, Dante," Vergil snapped, rubbing his temple.

"Oh, yes, you do. I've seen it before. Don't you remember? You got absolutely hammered and asked me to braid your hair, made a daisy-chain and went prancing, naked, on the kitchen table, screaming that you were the 'God of the Wilderness'. You pranced."

"...You swore you'd never mention that again," Vergil muttered, suddenly very interested in his fingernails. He was just going to carry on in his usual refined manner and ignore the sniggering coming from Nero's general direction.

"Oh, it's not that bad, Verge. We both look very sexy when we're naked. You made a very handsome God of the Wilderness," Dante teased.

"Stop trying to be patronizing, dear brother, it doesn't suit you. Just... carry on with your story."

Time moved differently down there, that was for sure, and although I had only been down there for about two hours at the most, it seemed like forever. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it felt like to Vergil. He had been down there for so long already, years trying to defend himself against the masses of demons and their masters, I didn't even know if he was alive. If he had been anyone else, he would never have stood a chance, but I thought maybe I should have a little bit of faith in my twin. Just this once, of course.

Another demon horde charged my way, but I was well prepared, being the badass that I am and such, swinging Rebellion into an arc, slicing through demons, one after another. One or two of them were sneaky, attacked me from behind and I very nearly stumbled. Demons are a lot stronger down there, but I could take them. I couldn't let them ruin my gorgeous face after all.

"Really, must you always be so narcissistic? I knew there was a reason I was staying in hell."

"Come off it, Verge. We both know how sexy I am. I've seen you checking me out," Dante teased, winking at his brother.

"It's a mirror, Dante. Just because my hair goes flat when it's wet, does not mean that I am 'checking you out'."

"Whatever you say, Vergey, whatever you say."

'Without power, you cannot protect anything, let alone yourself.'

That's what Vergil said to me once, back during the Temen-Ni-Gru incident. But by the time I found him, it really didn't look like power had done him any good.

And so, when I saw him on the ground, bloodied and broken, his hair grown out, bathing his red dress in silver as I swooped in on the back of a dragon-
~

"Alright, that's it, you're an idiot. Shut up."

"Vergey, you're ruining my story!" Dante whined at his brother, his lower lip quivering like a child's. Nero shook his head at the pair, taking another swig of his beer. He occasionally wondered if Dante only acted so stupid because he enjoyed the reprimanding.

"I don't care what I'm ruining, you are ridiculous. I would also like to point out that if I was to wear a dress, it would not be red. That's your colour, not mine," Vergil scolded, smacking his twin lightly upside the head.

"But if it was red, you'd be oh-so-much quicker taking it off for me."

Was Vergil supposed to have an answer for that? Some kind of snappy witticism? Because he most certainly didn't. In fact, for once, he was left speechless. One might even suggest he was gobsmacked, though, of course, one would also find Yamato rammed through their neck. Nero, on the other hand, was doubled over with laughter, though whether at Dante's remark or at Vergil's expression was unsure.

"Well guys, this has been great and all," Nero chuckled, ignoring Vergil's half-hearted glare as he shrugged on his coat. "But I'm gonna get going before you to start going at it. See you tomorrow." It was only after the teen had left that Vergil regained his composure.

"You shouldn't make comments like that around him, D. He might start to think that you're the dominant one around here," Vergil commented, smoothing his hair back as he bent over to clean all the bottles and glasses off the table.

"Well, maybe I should be," Dante suggested, striding up behind Vergil and wrapping his arms around his waist.

"I think not," the elder twin sighed, setting the bottles back down on the table and twisting to face his brother. "But it's rather endearing that you actually think you could top me."

Dante chuckled lightly, resting his head in the crook of his twin's neck. "Always the control freak, eh, Vergey?"

"And would you have me any other way?"

"Nah. You're good like this," Dante assured him, leaning in to kiss him softly on the lips. "But I could totally top you if I wanted to."

"Oh, really? What a foolish idea. Dream on, brother," Vergil teased, sliding his tongue along the younger twin's lip, demanding entrance in his own polite way, and Dante seemed more than happy to comply.

"Verge... I know I didn't really rescue you on a dragon and all," Dante broke apart for air, resting his forehead against his twin's. "But you are glad you're back here, right? With me?"

Vergil smiled softly, a rare occurrence in itself, kissing Dante chastely on the lips.

"You have no idea how much, D. You have no idea."

The End.