Young Love

I was called a freak, socially disturbed, cold and unemotional. Just because I didn't cry on my boyfriends funeral. I didn't show any emotion whatsoever. I apparently looked genuinely bored. Why do I have to cry? Of course I'm sad over the loss, but crying won't resolve anything, it won't bring him back, it won't make me feel better, it won't change anything, so why bother? Just because I don't show anything doesn't mean I don't have feelings, it doesn't mean that I don't care. I just don't like to show how I feel in front of people that I don't care about. Am I such a horrible person for not wanting to sob in front of his cousins, relatives, parents or friends that I don't even know? What's the point? He's not coming back anyway so WHAT IS THE POINT?

Does crying make me a better person? does it make me stronger? does it make me feel better? or does it just make me seem more caring? I don't care what other's think of ME, I don't care if I look inhumane or cold. I'm not here to please others or play their little games of "Who's hurting the most." The only reason I was with them on the funeral wasn't for their sake, but for HIS. I wanted to make sure that he was buried properly, I wanted to see him one last time. Even though I only saw the casket, I still knew he was in there. I was asked to play a piece on the piano. But I didn't want to. I knew he wouldn't hear it and I didn't (again) want to play as the hurting lover in their sick game. I could feel their looks of disgust eyeing me throughout the whole ceremony. Such childish behavior, felt stupid but it's apparently a way for others to blame me for what happened. It wasn't suicide, he hadn't been careful enough when he crossed the street and got hit by a car. But somehow it was still all my fault. I guess it's some peoples way to feel better about themselves. We humans are a social species, but we are also the most selfish of them all. We put ourselves in front of everyone else. There aren't many people that actually really put someone in front of themselves. People that are willing to give their lives for the sake of the ones they love and cherish, I respect. Everyone else is just an eyesore.

He was my everything, if I would have been there I wouldn't have hesitated to give my life to him right there and then. without him, I'm nothing. So just because I keep everything to myself and don't walk around with my heart on display doesn't mean, I didn't love him. Because I did, of course I did. How could I not love him? He was Phil Lester.

I can hear them

- If you hadn't been "together" this would have never happened!

- I bet it was you he was going to when he was hit by that car.

- Your love wasn't real, you're too young to love!

- It was disgusting to see the both of you together, too boys. It's just wrong!

- I bet you played him with mind games so that he would think he was in love!

I shuddered as the cold steel was pressed against my skin.

- How could you kill my son?

- HE was ALL I HAD!

- Murderer, that's what you are!

-A MURDERER!

First cold, then a sting, I felt the flood of warmth traveling down my hands, through my fingers.

-It should have been you.

It should have been ME.

-Your love was wrong, it wasn't... right.

Our love was WRONG, it WASN'T RIGHT.

- You killed Phil, admit it. It's all YOUR FAULT.

I killed Phil, it's all MY FAULT.

Red, is the color of strength, power, determination and passion.

Red, is the color of fire.

The color, of blood.

What happened? Oh no, the poor quer took his own life? He couldn't live with the guilt. HE couldn't live without HIM?

Stupid kids.

They can't love.

by: Isa Sophie Ring