One Policy to Rule Them All

"Well it's about time you showed up!" The soggy wizard paused to cough up water, bending deeply while clutching his staff for balance.

"Hey I got a life too you know!" the balrog shot back, a cloud of steam blowing from its toothy mouth as it too clawed and sloshed its way out of the subterranean lake. "Got here… fast…as I could."

"Humph!" The wizard collapsed on the cold mud. "I had to lead those adventurers in circles for two whole days! Do you know how hard it is to avoid all the exits for two whole days?"

The demon yawned and stretched its bat wings. "Why do wizards have to be such prima donnas? Never satisfied. I did exactly what you wanted."

Feeling unappreciated, the monster started counting on its claws for emphasis: "I chased you through the mine. I scared your companions. I did my fiery roar thing. Then we had our dramatic battle on the bridge and I dragged you down into this big pit just like you wanted; so why are you so mad?"

"You should have come earlier, that's why!" The wizard sat there bitterly wrenching cold water from his pointy hat. "I had to spend three weeks with those four little jerks, a smelly dwarf, that ranger that won't stop moaning about his elf girlfriend!"

"I think you've mentioned that a few hundred times." the demon muttered.

"And then there was that elf warrior! Always prancing around with his fancy hair brushes and perfumes and bath salts…"

"Hmm… well they all got away, right?" the bored monster asked.

"And I'm glad to be rid of'em… maybe now I can get something done."

"So shorty still has the ring?" the balrog asked.

"Yes, yes…" The wizard waved a hand dismissively: "He believes in the quest I gave him… thinks he's going to save the world and all that."

"Mortals…" The balrog shook his head as he traced a design in the mud. "Still… this is an awful lot of trouble to go to for a magic ring, I mean the Dark Lord…"

That name completely unhinged the wizard: "The Dark Lord made the deal; now he should honor it! The contract was clear! For a thousand years after purchase I can return it for a full refund!"

"Yeah, but I heard he sent out his customer service agents. All nine of'em."

"Customer service!" the wizard spat on the ground. "What's the Dark Lord know about customer service? Freakin' glowing eyeball on a tower! He's just trying to slow me down until the damned warrantee expires." The wizard shook a bony finger at an imaginary Dark Lord. "But I still got four months!"

"So shorty's gonna return it for you?"

"That's the plan." The wizard stood, calming some. "Would you look at this robe… all stained and burned… completely ruined." He sighed heavily. "I'll have to buy something new when we get out of here."

The demon lumbered to his feet and groaned, rotating creaking spikey shoulders. "Oh… I'm so sore."

The wizard took a short angry breath and clutched his own aching back. "Well Maybe you should've flapped those wings of yours as we fell for a freaking eternity! Maybe slow us down Before we hit the water!"

"Oh…" the demon looked over his shoulder and chuckled. "Sometimes I forget I even got'em."

The wizard threw his arms up. "I said 'Fly you fool!'"

The balrog pointed a thumb upwards. "I thought you was talking to them."

The soggy wizard buried his face in his hands, stomped his feet and cursed.