A/N: This idea came to me a couple of days ago. I hope it makes sense, and that you'll enjoy the evolution of McSwarek ;o) This one-shot takes place in a futuristic Rookie Blue world where Sam and Andy are married and have for the past year been trying to get pregnant.
I would be eternally grateful to receive some kind words in terms of feedback :o)
Disclaimer: Don't own Rookie Blue and "I Would Die for That" is property of Kellie Coffey.
Not pregnant
That's the message that greets her when she looks at the white pregnancy stick held in-between two fingers. The rings on Andy's left hand glisten in the early morning light coming in through the window - a scorching contrast to the sadness gathering in her heart.
She throws the offending object in the small waste basket next to the vanity. Placing her hands on the table, Andy chances a look in the mirror gasping at the sight that meets her. Biting into her bottom lip, she turns on the faucet, splashing water onto her quite flushed face.
She loves him, like over the moon loves him, but whenever she gets this message from a pregnancy stick, it's like someone's stabbing a knife through her heart. And quite frankly, she's running out of space to jab that knife into these days.
They have been trying to get pregnant for this past year and Andy has researched all the do's and don'ts in connection with trying to have a baby. She has been measuring her temperature, bought an ovulation predictor kit, been taking her vitamins and of course been having sex.
Lots of sex.
But the message is still the same; she's not pregnant.
Jenny was my best friend
Went away one summer
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep
A child inside her
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep
She had had a friend in High School; Jenny, who had ended up pregnant at the age of sixteen. At that point Andy had been knee deep in trying to keep up appearances surrounding her father's drinking, so supporting a pregnant friend hadn't been easy, but she'd done it.
Because even at sixteen, Andy had been solid; a solid girl, a solid friend and a solid daughter.
Andy had watched Jenny fall apart from the pressure the father of the baby had put on her to get an abortion as well as worrying about what her own parents would say about this sudden complication in their daughter's life.
Her parents had given Jenny an ultimatum; either she aborted her pregnancy or they would wash their hands off her. Andy had been beyond shocked at the realization that Jenny's parents had actually posed such an ultimatum to their only daughter, but they had.
Jenny had tried to explain to Andy that the reason behind their ultimatum had been for the fact that her parents were very religious. So, therefore a pregnant, unmarried teenage daughter would be frowned upon in their religious circles.
Tommy McNally had had many faults, Andy knows that. But one of the things that he had had going for him had been that he would have been there for her when push came to shove. For that reason, and that reason alone it had been a foreign concept to her what Jenny's parents had asked her to do.
So, despite the fact that Jenny had grown up in a two-parent household with all the trimmings then Andy had lucked out with Tommy. True, her mother had up and left them a couple of years earlier, and her father had been on the bottle, but despite all that she had known that he would be there for her, no matter what.
And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept
Too young to know that one day
She might live to regret
The decision that Jenny had ended up making all those years ago, proved to make Andy's blood boil today. She had taken the opportunity to bring a baby into this world for granted, and she knows that it's stupid to fixate on it all these years later, but she can't help it.
Andy needs someone to blame, and Jenny fits the bill.
Jenny had had everything handed to her; everything. Andy lost her mother at age twelve, grew up with an alcoholic father and with everything that she and Sam have gone through by now, she feels like she is due for some comeuppance.
"Andy?" his voice asks through the closed bathroom door. "Sweetheart, you all right in there?" Sam adds with that tenderness of his apparent in his tone of voice.
She takes a cleansing breath before even contemplating a reply. "Yeah…," Andy sighs. "I'm fine, Sam. I'll be right out."
"I'll get the coffee started then," he responds flatly.
Andy combs her fingers through her long tresses before tying them up in a ponytail. Clad in a pair of black yoga pants and a blue singlet she pushes out a much needed breath before exiting the bathroom.
What she meets on the other side of the door makes her smile.
Sam.
But I would die for that
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had
I would die for that
"I thought you were getting the coffee started?" she asks, arms crossed across her chest unable to contain the smile on her lips.
Sam is sitting on the edge of their bed, nodding his head repeatedly as if that answers her original question. "The coffee can wait, this can't." he adds moving a hand between them.
"This?" Andy asks letting her arms fall to her sides, while simultaneously arching a questioning eyebrow at him.
"The test," Sam states. The statement is delivered with such a determination that she realizes that he's hurting just as much as she is.
She shrugs her shoulders minimally before crossing the room to sit down next to him on the bed, their shoulders touching. Resting her head on Sam's shoulder, she tells him what he already knows, "I'm not pregnant."
"I'm sorry, Sweetheart," he sighs turning his head sideways to brush his lips against her forehead. "So sorry," Sam apologizes.
"It's not your fault," she refuses to let him play the blame game.
They have been through this game for the past year now. They've yelled at each other, cried together, she's kicked him out of their bedroom and he has spent one night on the couch with Boo. Just like Andy has once spent the night on Traci's couch before smarting up and actually talking it out with him.
Wrapping one arm around her back and clasping her hand with his on her thigh, he makes a suggestion that he's been thinking about ever since seeing the specialist a couple of days ago. "Maybe we should look into adoption or maybe even a surrogate...?" Sam's question is abruptly cut off when Andy suddenly pulls out of his embrace.
"No!" she snaps standing in front of him making even poor Boo wake up from his deep slumber with weary eyes. "Sam, just no!" Andy stares at him with a look in her eyes that kills him.
I've been given so much
A husband that I love
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up
He wonders if it's him
And I wonder if it's me
Two years ago they had gotten married at Kew Beach United Church in The Beaches; Tommy had walked her down the aisle, and Sam hadn't been able to take his eyes off of his beautiful bride.
Andy finished her Detectives' exam a couple of months back; Sam had coached her through the questions, and had been the first to congratulate her upon having aced the test. They work on different teams, due to them being married and conflict of interest, but both agree that changing their uniforms out with the suits has been the right thing to do.
They are homeowners and dog owners – the only thing missing is the pitter patter of little feet on their hardwood floors.
The realization that Andy can't give Sam what they both so desperately want is killing her, it's literally killing her. Almost as much as the fact that he's just suggested they use another woman's womb to carry their baby to term.
"Sweetheart, please…," he pleads with her, interlocking his fingers as if he is praying, which maybe he is.
"No, Sam!" she exclaims whipping a hand through the air cutting off his insistent pleading. "It's bad enough that I feel incomplete as a woman, but to actually have someone else carry your baby to term…"
"Carry our baby to term," Sam interjects accentuating the 'our' before getting off of the bed. He walks a couple of steps to cup her face in his hands. "I love you, I love our life together and I want you to be happy," he brushes the pads of his thumbs across her wet cheeks.
"I am happy, Sam," Andy tells him vehemently. "Okay, maybe not over the moon because of the results, but I wouldn't change anything."
"Andy…," he presses his forehead against hers on a deep exhalation of breath.
"I have you, I have Boo and I have our life together, and if that's all I'll get then that's more than enough. I'm tired of feeling like this Sam; incomplete, not good enough, envious of pregnant women, I hate it, and I don't want to do it anymore."
"Then let's focus on each other, eh?" Sam suggests pressing his lips against her forehead. "Maybe not focusing on getting pregnant will improve our odds?"
"You really believe that?" Andy asks hiding her face in the spot where his neck meets his throat.
"I'll try to," he tells her, rubbing her back with steady strokes of his hands.
"Me too."
All I want is a family
Like everyone else I see
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be
An hour later Sam has gone for a walk with Boo, he had asked if Andy wanted to tag along with them, but she had declined.
But why?
Their mantle is covered in framed photographs of their friends and family. One of them in particular catches Andy's eye, as her gaze takes in the familiarity of it all. The photograph had been taken a couple of months back – at Leo's most recent birthday party.
They were all wearing party hats; sitting on the couch in Traci's living room, Leo sitting in-between Sam and Andy – the three of them wearing huge smiles on their faces.
The truth of the matter is that whenever she and Sam are alone with either Leo or Olivia she's happy, she can let herself go and dream about a scenario where they spend time with their own child. But whenever she's sees Olivia with Noelle or Leo with Traci, she feels a twinge of something that's so far from who Andy is at heart that she can't even think about it too much without hating herself.
Jealousy.
She loves her friends, but at times she envies them for everything they have. Traci got pregnant with Leo as a teenager by accident, and Noelle, well she tried for a very long time but then she started dating Frank, and then suddenly she was pregnant.
Andy and Sam have been trying for the past year, and nothing has happened. So, on the darkest days and nights she's angry and resentful at her friends for being what she can't be.
Mother's.
Cause I would die for that
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have
I would die for that
Grabbing the photographed frame off of the mantel, Andy slides a fingertip across the faces looking back at her.
Every fiber in her being wants to be a mother, needs it. She has been Leo's honorary Aunt ever since meeting Traci in the Academy and finding out she had a son.
Seeing baby carriages in the supermarket or walking through the park with Boo, watching colleagues showing off their babies – all of these situations have despite her insistence earlier to Sam proven to Andy that something is indeed missing from her life, their life.
Her thoughts are suspended however by the sound of the front door opening and shutting shortly after. She returns the photographed frame to the mantle, as she hears the sound of Boo's paws padding across the hardwood floors.
"Hey Buddy," Andy whistles at Boo. Crouching down on the floor and clapping her hands on her knees is all the incitement the white Labradoodle named Boo needs.
His wagging tail and tongue hanging out from the side of his mouth tells her that Sam has given their boy a good workout. He's a good boy; Boo is.
He instantly knows when Andy is sad. Lately when she has bundled up on the couch feeling desperate and desolate in her quest to become pregnant, the dog has made himself comfortable on the floor next to her.
"Good boy," Andy praises him running her hands through the wayward curls that are Boo's charm – that and then his ability to instinctively know when she needs him.
"Can anyone join in?" Sam asks leaning his body against the doorframe. The careful smile displayed on his lips tells Andy that he's still reeling from their conversation in the bedroom. As much as she is hurting by not being pregnant, Sam is hurting just as much if not more for not being able to get her pregnant.
"Sure."
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life
For that kind of love
What I'd give up!
I would die for that
Much later, Boo is cuddled up in front of the crackling fireplace, while Sam is resting his back against the couch with Andy cradled in-between his legs. His arms are wrapped around her waist on top of the blanket covering her from the waist down.
"I love you…," he whispers against the side of her face.
Andy inhales a shaky breath before reciprocating, "I love you too."
"What we have," he begins taking a deep breath before continuing. "Means more to me than anything else," Sam grasps Andy's left hand in his, running his thumb over her rings.
"I know," she tells him nodding her head. "I feel the same way…," Andy lets the words hang in the air between them letting Sam know that she's holding something back.
"But…?" he prods her wanting her to continue, burying his nose in her dark curls.
"But I can't stop, I don't want to stop," Andy turns around in his arms so that she's facing him with a determined look on her face. "I want to have a baby, Sam. I want to have our baby," she leans into him, framing his face with her hands.
"Andy…," he sighs pressing his forehead against hers. He wants that too, God only knows how much he really wants that. But what he doesn't want is to watch her turn herself inside out trying to get pregnant.
He has watched her blame herself and him in their attempts to create a family together. Something so instrumental to their happiness shouldn't hurt so much. If there's one thing he won't let happen, then it's to cause her anymore pain.
She has been through enough.
They have been through enough.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive
With all that I've got
And all I've achieved
What I want most
Before my time is gone
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."
"Hey, look at me, Sam," Andy tells him leaning back and making him look her in the eyes. "You have given me everything; your heart, your love, our home, Boo…everything," she tells him taking a deep breath. "I know we talked about not trying for a while, but I want to keep trying, at least for a little while longer…," she's momentarily cut off by Sam's objecting voice.
"Andy…," he utters pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't want to see you beating yourself up anymore."
"I won't…," Andy declares with a finality in her tone of voice that tells him she's made up her mind.
"Sweetheart…," he groans closing his eyes momentarily.
"Shh…," she shushes him by placing an index finger across his lips. "I love you, Sam Swarek, and I want to try again."
Wrapping her arms around his neck, she leans into his muscular chest taking his mouth with hers in a gentle lick that takes his breath away. Once he's gathered his shattered senses, he grasps the hem of the singlet, and peels it off of her body leaving her clad in a black bra and yoga pants.
"Andy…," Sam groans into her mouth when his back hits the floor. Seconds later, his throat is being marked with her lips, tongue and teeth. Sitting up straight, astride his groin, Sam presses his left hand against her heart, the cool metal of his wedding band connecting with her warm skin.
Pressing their lips together, no words are spoken as their bodies are molded together in an act that for the first time in a long time doesn't seem mechanical.
I would die for that
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that
"So, have you decided?" Dr. Lee asks a couple of days later. Sam and Andy are sitting next to each other, their fingers intertwined.
"Yeah," Andy starts throwing a careful look at her husband before training her eyes on the doctor again. "We want to keep trying."
"And my suggestions?" Dr. Lee asks matter-of-factly, while Sam's grip on Andy's hand tightens, readying himself to answer the doctor's question.
"We've talked it through, Dr. Lee, and we're gonna focus on each other, and stop obsessing about having a baby." Sam tells her.
"I see," the doctor says nodding her head.
"To see if not stressing out about becoming pregnant, will actually help speeding things along," Andy says. "If that even makes sense," she adds with a careful smile.
"It does." Dr. Lee smiles at them both before replying, "I think you're on the right track actually. You're perfectly healthy Andy, and doing it the natural way is always better," she tells them. "Avoiding the stress concerning becoming pregnant is also a very good idea; you might also want to try staying in bed for about ten to fifteen minutes following intercourse."
"With my legs in the air, right?" Andy inquires earning her a quizzical look from Sam as well as a smirk. "What?" she asks shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly. "It's a renowned tip when wanting to get pregnant."
"Could serve as a new position," he grins at her warmly, earning him a swift slap on the arm by his wife.
"Actually," Dr. Lee interrupts their bantering. "That's an old wives' tale; just lay still in bed for about fifteen minutes, and that should do it. Unless of course you would as your husband just suggested like to try out some new positions," she winks at the two of them.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life
How I would love
What some give up
I would die ...
I would die for that
A couple of months later, Sam is sitting in the interrogation room finishing up his notes on a finished interview when Andy walks in.
"Sweetheart," he grins at her. "To what do I…," Sam's words are cut off when she straddles his lap, pressing her lips against his.
She licks her way into his mouth, grabbing his short hair with her fingers pulling him tighter against her to maximize their bodily contact.
"Thank you," Andy presses her forehead against his moaning out the words.
"Right back at ya, Sweetheart," Sam quips catching his breath as his hands move up and down Andy's denim clad thighs.
When he looks at her though, he knows that something has changed. The past couple of months have been great with them just focusing on the two of them, and not the constant pressure that used to surround them when awaiting the result of Andy peeing on a stick.
"Yeah…?" he asks, both of them secretly knowing what he's asking, but unable to actually get the question past his lips.
"Yup!" she snaps her tongue on the 'p' unable to contain the face-splitting grin on her face.
Curving her arms around his neck, she kisses him on the cheek before uttering the two words he never thought possible to come out of her delectable mouth.
"I'm pregnant."
FIN!