DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*
To Weep Without Tears
BY: Lara_Winner
I walk through the quiet cemetery lost in my memories, the memories of months and years past when I had no reason to be here. They don't bring joy anymore, just an intense longing for what once was. I push the thoughts from my mind and firm my resolve. I can clearly see my destination now. My eyes are locked on the beautiful stone sculpture of an angel with an engraved plaque at the base of the statue. This is her home now.
I swallow the lump that has risen in my throat as I come to a stop at the grave. There are no flowers just like I know there have been no visitors since her death. She wanted it that way. She wanted to fade into the recesses of history and be forgotten. But I will never forget her, and I will continue to visit her grave even though there is no purpose. I know her soul has found its freedom finally after the hell she put herself through, a hell that only I understood. It's funny that I should understand her demons. I suppose it was because I had some of the very same ones locked inside, hidden behind my innocent smile. A smile that has completely faded now that she's gone.
I close my eyes and listen to the cold wind flowing softly through the trees. The others never understood our relationship. It wasn't a normal one by any means. Not long after the war she disappeared. It was months before I saw her again. During that time she had found some measure of purpose I suppose. She wasn't the same Dorothy I had last seen aboard the Libra. She came to me and gave me the credit for changing her life. I was hard pressed not to laugh. I had only spoken the truth and I would have told anyone who needed an encouraging word what he or she needed to hear. But some how what I said had an even greater affect then either of us could ever have imagined.
I can still see her face in my mind and the smile she had given me when I tried to protest against her gratitude. I truly didn't deserve it. She had changed her life on her own and I was proud of her courage and determination. That day had been a new beginning for the both of us. Something started that day, a friendship of sorts, that slowly became much, much more.
I loved her. With all my heart and all my soul I loved her. But as they say "all good things must come to an end." Now I'm alone here paying my respects to nothing. She's not here and I can't be with her. I can accept that. I know she'll wait for me. She promised she would and she always keeps her promises. I smile as I remember the last words she said to me.
"Goodbye is not forever, Quatre."
My vision blurs with unshed tears. I never told her goodbye. I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I loved her too much to let go that easily. I guess I'll never let go. I can't seem to get my mind off of her. I miss her so much.
I've told Trowa how I feel and he tells me that time will heal my pain. I don't think he understands just how close we were. I know none of the others ever understood. When I looked in her eyes I saw myself. She was the other half that I had to find. Our time together was short but it was priceless. I learned so much about myself from her. We knew each other so well that sometimes we didn't even need words. With just one look we spoke volumes. I'll never have that with anyone else and I don't want it with anyone else. I gave my heart to her and her alone.
As I breathe in the crisp winter air, I swear I can almost smell her perfume. I smile slightly. There are just some things that will haunt me forever. She will haunt me forever. I couldn't escape her if I tried and I won't. My memories are all I have now.
I pull my jacket closer around me and shiver. The air has gotten colder now that the sun is about to set. This was her favorite time of day. Many of nights we would sit and watch the sun set together. I would hold her in my arms and the only thing that would matter was the moment and the two of us. Now I have to content myself with standing here alone.
I close my eyes to block out the mirage of colors that grace the sky. Nothing in my life holds the same meaning anymore. It's ironic that love can be your salvation one moment and your damnation the next. I never thought it would hurt this much. Of course I thought we had more time. I thought we had the rest of our lives. I didn't know hers would end at twenty-one.
Even if I had known I would rather suffer than never to have loved her. I would give my soul, or what I have left of one, if I could just see her smile at me one more time. If I could just hear her voice say my name.
I lose myself in this longing as I stand there with my eyes squeezed shut and my hands clenched in my pockets. How silly of me to want the impossible. They always said I was the childish one of the bunch. Never facing the harsh reality of life. If they only knew what secrets I hide behind my smile. If they only knew what it cost me to always be the one to give hope to everyone. She was my hope and now I've lost even that. I have no more hope to give. I have nothing to live for. To fight for.
No matter how badly I want to I resist the urge to cry. I promised her I wouldn't cry for her. I refuse to cry for myself so I hold all my pain in. I'm starting to get used to this ever-constant emptiness that has filled me since she died. But there is nothing I can do; I'm lost to it.
I open my eyes to find the sun has dropped below the horizon. My eyes roam over the grave once more before I turn away. I don't speak because I don't need to. She knows I love her and I know she loved me. There wouldn't be a thing for me to say that I hadn't told her when she was alive. Except one thing. I never got the chance to ask her to marry me. I smile to myself in the growing darkness.
I have to have something to say when I see her again, right?
A.N.- One too many happy fics led to this. My muse was having angst withdrawals. But I did give it a promising ending right? I mean she is waiting for him and when he pops the question I'm sure she'll say yes, who can resist Quatre? Anyway, I hope ya like and as always I love you guys. Thanks a bunch!!!!!!*_*