Title : Babysitter
Pairings : Ed x Envy snickers, Izumi x Sig, mentions of Al x Winry.
Rating : T ( because Ed swears a lot and Envy is a perverted psycho. It might go up though. It MIGHT. )
Contains : Humor, Insanity, Torture, and... Romance ( a very twisted kind of romance however... )
Summary : I think it´s easy to guess, Envy is babysitting Ed ! Oh, this is gonna be fun...
Disclaimer : I. Don´t. Own. Fullmetal. Alchemist. You wanna know what would happen if I did ?
Chapter 1 : A disturbing torture fantasy come true.
"No... please... Envy... !"
The Homunculus´s cruel smirk widened upon hearing this delicious plea. Watching the prostrated figure laying down his feet with rapture, he bent down to his level and purred mockingly :
"Continue to beg, chibi-san, I love it when you do that..."
Trying to ignore the pain ravaging his body. Edward managed to lift his head up to look at Envy and shoot him a hateful, yet fearful glare. The shapeshifter chuckled, calmly raised his hand and slapped Ed brutally across the face. The young alchemist couldn´t help but yelp as his head was thrown backwards. Oh, what a wonderful sound...
"... Stop it... Ed whispered through his troubled breathing.
"Why would I do that, chibi ? For the time I´ve been waiting for this to happen... you and I alone in a room... no one knows where you are. No one cares anyway. They probably won´t give a shit of your death when I´m done with you.
"Shut up."
Interesting. The runt was still able to retort. This was going to make things even more... juicy. Envy grinned as an idea came to his mind.
A white light surrounded his body. The next second, Trisha Elric was standing in front of Ed. When the Fullmetal realized what was happening, his eyes widened in horror.
"No... no, don´t do that !
"You were such a terrible child, Edward, Trisha muttered sadly. Always yelling, always being so violent. You were nothing more than a pain to me. And to Alphonse...
"Envy, stop..."
« Trisha » punched him in the face before he could finish. He cried in pain as his nose broke ; a thick dribble of blood started flowing down his chin and on the floor. The Homunculus snickered.
"At least this was one of the advantages for me to die, « she » continued, merciless, not having to stare at your pityful face anymore... unfortunately, Al...
"Nooo ! Onegai... Envy, stop this !"
He was crying now. The shapeshifter laughed. He would remember this day forever... finally...
He would break Ed.
"Envy..."
Blood running down his childish face, as he beat his corpse over and over again, hearing the sweet sound of his bones crushing and his pleading...
"Envy."
Please, stop, please, I´ll do anything... just stop hurting me !
Oh yeah... yeah...
Envy had his eyes closed, imagining satisfyingly the Fullmetal Alchemist´s golden eyes filled with fear... hearing his screaming...
Lust had been trying to lure his attention for a quite a while now. Losing her patience, she raised her hand and, without warning, extended her fingernails. The razor sharp blades leapt out and pierced through his right arm.
This finally managed to tear the green-haired Homunculus apart from his reverie.
"Aaaaah !
"Baka !"
Envy lost his balance on the chair and fell rudely to the ground, his arm bleeding plentifully. Behind Lust, Gluttony giggled like a six-year-old girl.
"He he ! Baka Envy ! Baka Envy !
"Shut up, you bastard !"
Lust just sighed in annoyance, showing no remorse for what she had just done. The bruises on Envy´s arm were already disappearing. But his anger was not. Getting up, he shot a glare at the black-haired woman, greeting his teeth. How dare this bitch interrupt me in my favorite fantasy ?
"What the hell were you thinking, Lust ?
"Good thing at least one of us can think, she retorted coldly. Envy, do you know what we are supposed to do right now ?"
The sin gazed around him. The three Homunculus were standing in a messed-up bedroom on the second floor of a wooden house. He yawned.
"Yeah, Dante sent us to kill an old alchemist.
"That´s all you remember ? Lust shook her head. We are also supposed to look into Eva Kruger´s documents to find the one she wrote about the Philosopher´s Stone, since her discoveries could endanger..."
Bla bla bla... honestly, who cares ? Envy surely didn´t. He didn´t give a damn of Dante´s goals. As long as it allowed him to torture those stupid humans, she could do whatever she wanted. He especially liked it when he had to tease Chibi-san... even if it was always more interesting in his head. Oh yeah...
"Lust, Envy is dreaming like a baka again !
"Envy, were you listening ?
"Nope", he replied nonchalantly.
"Noooo ! Lust-sama, I am so sorry... I didn´t mean to upset you... forgive me, I am begging you...
Envy burst into hysterical tears as Lust´s eyes gleamed with jubilation. She let out a cruel chuckle and bent down, poking slightly the puffy pink dress into which Envy was currently trapped.
"This dress looks so good on you, Envy... you look absolutely lovely. I´m sure Fullmetal Boy would agree with me."
To the poor Homunculus´s horror, the gorgeous woman stepped aside to reveal a hilarious Chibi-san.
"Jeez, Envy, I knew you were a transvestite, but still, a pink dress...
"NOOOOOO !"
(A/N : Yeah, people, Lust has disturbing torture fantasies too. Actually, all Homunculus do. ( Except for Sloth, cuz she´s too lazy for that. )They just have different targets. Envy´s is Ed, Lust´s is Envy, Greed´s is Envy, etc... )
"Huh, Lust ?"
The dark-haired woman sighed as she relunctantly cast her delicious reverie aside. She would continue once the mission was over...
"Anyway, Envy... focus. Or at least pretend to focus.
"It´s boring, he complained. Looking through stuff is just boring ! That old bitch better come soon so I can have some fun.
"Fun ? Gluttony repeated stupidly.
"Yeah, fatty. Fun. (Seeing Gluttony didn´t seem to understand, Envy decided to use a less cryptic language.) Means I´m gonna snap her neck. Or maybe stab her through the chest. Or cut her throat. Still not sure..."
Gluttony started shaking his head.
"No no no. Gluttony´s hungry. Gluttony wants to eat the old lady.
"Then you´ll just do it once I´m done, baka !
"No no no. When you kill people after they are gross ! Gluttony can´t eat them. They smell like you.
"What the hell ?"
Now, Lust didn´t have a soul, but she was so eager to become human that she liked to pretend she had one. So she decided to stop Envy before he could tear Gluttony to pieces by tearing him to pieces instead. This was called compassion in human world. And maybe also dark satisfaction, since Envy was her disturbing torture fantasy target. Maybe if I look closely, I´ll find a pink dress in that mess...
Once Envy was fully – painfully – regenerated, and after having copiously insulted the fat Homunculus – not Lust, because the wounds and reconstitution had been painful enough -, the three allies/mortal ennemies got back to searching the bedroom.
Envy had never dreamt so much to torture Chibi-san – hell, anyone – in his entire, immortal life. Actually, he was close to feeling miserable.
Maybe what happened next was a gift from Heaven who took pity on him.
Or more likely Hell. But it didn´t really matter where the gift came from considering Envy was selfish, ungrateful and oblivious of those mystical religious concepts. Not that he would care about it...
Anyway, the only important thing to register right now is that the phone started ringing.
"Envy, the phone is ringing.
"No shit, Lust.
"Make it Lust-sama, you filthy little transvestite !
"... ?
"Huh, forget it. Just answer it.
"Why me ?
"You can take Eva Kruger´s voice and pretend to be her. It might be a friend of hers who is involved in her research, and it would be more prudent to..."
The phone was ringing too loudly for Envy to fall asleep. And he hated that. With an exasperated growl and a few shocking curses, the green-haired palmtree-looking human imitation seized the phone and took the best old-lady´s voice he could manage.
"Good evening, Evy Keeger speaking...
"Excuse me ? Kruger-san ?"
Ignoring Lust´s frustrated expression, Envy started playing with the phone´s wire. Jeez, who cares for the old bitche´s name ?
Apparently, the woman calling did, so he replied casually :
"Yes, that´s me. Sorry, the line isn´t very good. Who is it ?
"Oh, alright... it´s Izumi Curtis, Kruger-san."
Izumi Curtis...
Sometimes, Envy´s memory was good enough for him to remember a name besides his. Curtis... she was Dante´s student or something, and now she is Chibi-san´s teacher. People say she´s scary. Pff. Yeah right, she´s just a woman. And not a very smart one, since she created Wrath.
"Ah, Izumi. It´s... nice to call, dear. May I... help you, or... well, help you with something ?
"Actually, yes. I know this is a lot to ask, but... I´m in need of a... babysitter."
Envy let go of the wire and frowned. A babysitter ?
"My husband and I must attend an alchemist´s conference this evening and... I wish you could take care of my student, Edward Elric. You see, he is... turbulent and I want to be sure that he won´t do anything he might... regret while he´s alone at my house.
"Envy, who is it ?"
No response. Lust frowned and sighed in annoyance.
"Envy..."
"Kruger-san ? Are you still here ?"
No, he wasn´t.
Actually, Envy was miles from here. His amethyst eyes were gleaming in a way that would have frightened the two women to no end if they had seen it.
Envy... have mercy, I beg of you...
For you see, the Homunculus had another fantasy buried deep inside of him. A very special fantasy. A fantasy so unbelievable that he didn´t even dare dreaming about it. For he was sure that this would never happen.
He would had never hoped that this inaccessible dream would be offered to him – on a golden tray – by his chibi´s own teacher.
To be brief : Envy was currently in bliss and unavailable.
And we all know how that ends up when Lust is around...
"Aiiiiiiiie !
"Kruger-san ! What is going on ?
"Damn it. Uh, nothing, Izumi-san. My... cat just scratched me. I´ll have to do something about that.
"I´m sorry. So, are you available ?"
He nearly chuckled.
"What hour, Izumi-san ?
"Right now, if you can. I am leaving soon. And thank you again. I had trouble finding someone.
"You are welcome, my dear."
I should be the one thanking you...
He listened carefully while she reminded him of her adress and hung up. His pale face was distorted by the huge smirk on his lips.
"Envy, for the love of God, who..."
Lust stopped dead once she saw his expression. Her complexion paled and she couldn´t help but shudder. Gluttony started weeping and hid behind her.
"Envy... what...
"I gotta go.
"The mission..."
He didn´t even bother to reply as he stormed out, the sick smirk plastered on his face. For once, Lust didn´t even try to stop him.
Screw Dante and her stupid mission. Tonight...
He licked his lips, his eyes shining with sadism.
Tonight... I´m babysitting Chibi-chan !
Okay, first chapter done. So, here´s the deal : I love good reviews and I can accept bad reviews as long as it´s constructive criticism. Cuz guys, come on : Your story sucks is a little redundant, don´t you think ? ( What I mean is : those who leave that kind of review are complete morons. )
I´ll write the second chapter even if I don´t have much reviews, but it´ll be done much faster if I have encouragements... you know, we authors love that.
See ya people.