Disclaimer: Characters and concept created by Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Fil Barlow. All original characters are the creation of the author.
Extreme Ghostbusters: The Spirit of Christmas
It was early morning, and still dark, as a man let himself into a darkened high street store and walked bleary-eyed through shelves stocked with all manner of toys. He made his way through to the back, where a slightly older man stood surrounded by packing crates. One of these was open, and the older man was unloading some kind of packaged goods.
"Jeez, Lenny, not more Ultra-Sonic Super-Robot action figures!" baulked the younger man. "There's only one shopping day left until Christmas, and we still haven't sold most of the last shipment!"
Lenny smiled fondly at the boxed toy in his arms, chuckled amiably and said, "When you've been in this business as long as I have, Bill, you'll learn that more than half the people in this city do their shopping on Christmas Eve."
"Ah-ha," Bill said sceptically. "And you're sure this robot thing will sell?"
"Bill, relax. My kids tell me all their friends are asking for them. We'll make a killing."
"Yeah, right. But what happens when the parents all come here demanding their money back because the ungrateful little brats don't want a - "
"What was that?" Lenny said suddenly.
Bill frowned. "What was what?"
"I heard a noise - it came from those boxes over there."
"Aw, beautiful." Bill started making his way towards the biggest pile of crates. "A rat must have gotten into one of those things and probably chewed up half the - "
He stopped suddenly as something caught his eye.
"Bill?" said Lenny, with obvious fear in his voice. Then suddenly Bill stumbled backwards; bits of card and plastic packaging were being thrown everywhere, and a robot's arm flew across the room, narrowly missing Lenny's head.
"No!" cried Lenny. "No, please! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Kylie Griffin walked into the firehouse foyer, spotted the mistletoe hanging near the door and ducked out from under it just as Eduardo Rivera followed her in. As soon as Eduardo appeared, Slimer spotted him under the mistletoe, slammed into his face and started slobbering green slime all over him. Eduardo pushed the overfriendly ghost away, saying irritably, "Eww, quit sliming me!"
Once Eduardo had shaken off what he could of the slime, he joined Kylie in gazing at the gaudy arrangement of tinsel and Christmas lights adorning the room, until their eyes came to rest on the reception desk. Janine Melnitz was there, looking put out as she tried to work around the legs of Roland Jackson, who was standing on the desk in order to place an ornamental star on the top of an overlarge Christmas tree.
"Hi, guys," Roland beamed when he spotted them. "Whadda you think?"
Slimer started babbling something that sounded like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" and clapped his hands excitedly.
"I think you overdid it," said Kylie.
"Oh Ky, come one!" Roland jumped down from the desk and made his way over to Eduardo and Kylie. "Where's your Christmas spirit?"
"Dude, Christmas is for kids," said Eduardo. "I get enough of this with Kevin at home."
"Christmas isn't just for kids," Kylie said disdainfully. She began making her way towards the stairs, with Roland and Eduardo both following her as she talked. "It's supposed to be about remembering to spread a little joy in the world, and letting your loved ones know what they mean to you."
"Are you trying to make us spew?" Eduardo said distastefully.
"But instead," Kylie went on, as they ascended the stairs, "it's about plastic trees and tinsel and stupid novelty gifts. I hate Christmas - it's just so commercial."
"It doesn't have to be," said Roland. "Christmas is what you make it. Like in my house, there's so many of us all getting under each other's feet, it's easy to take each other for granted or even get sick of each other. But then we use Christmas to remind ourselves of what we mean to each other. It's not just about novelties, Kylie."
"Hey, guys," said Garrett Miller, whom the trio found snacking in front of the TV. "Who wants some potato chips shaped like Christmas trees?"
"Ooh, I do!" said Roland, reaching eagerly for the large packet Garrett was offering.
"I'll pass," said Kylie, collapsing into an armchair. "What are you watching, Garrett? Yet another attempt to cash in on the season of goodwill?"
"I was just channel-hopping," said Garrett, picking up the remote control and flicking through a few more channels. "Jeez, why can nobody think of anything to do for a Christmas special other than parodying A Christmas Carol?"
"You shouldn't knock that story," said Egon Spengler, materialising in the doorway. "I happen to have met the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future myself, actually - and they taught Venkman a very valuable lesson about the spirit of Christmas."
"Him too, huh?" Garrett said dryly.
"I wouldn't mind seeing them this year," said Roland, looking significantly at Eduardo and Kylie. "I know a couple of people who could do with hearing what they have to say."
"Well, I doubt we'll see them again," said Egon. "But we have just received a call from the proprietor of a toy store who's having trouble with a new shipment of goods."
"A toy store proprietor!" Kylie exclaimed, getting forcefully to her feet. "I've half a mind to miss and accidentally fry all of his little Garfield-in-a-Santa-hat toys. Come on then, guys - let's go save Christmas for all the mercenary little brats in this city."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
"It can't be urgent," said Roland, as they climbed out of the Ecto-1 and into the snow just by the toyshop's entrance, "or Egon wouldn't have sat there talking about Dr. Venkman."
"Well it doesn't look too serious," Kylie agreed, as she made her way towards the shop. She pushed open the door, and called tentatively, "Hello? Mr. Loomis?"
"Oh, hey there." Lenny wandered in from the room at the back of the shop, looking slightly agitated. "Thank you for coming, but it's actually not that bad - he's calmed down now. He's having some eggnog."
"Right, ok," Garrett said slowly. "And you say it's an elf?"
"It is an elf," said Lenny. "Green hat, stripy pants, short…"
"Y'know, people get paid to dress up like that this time of year," said Garrett.
"Trust me - this is the real deal all right," said Lenny. "Come on."
He led them through to the back of the shop, where Bill was sitting on a packing crate sipping from a plastic cup, and on another crate opposite him was a little person just like Lenny had described. He too was drinking, but the cup was much too large for him, as he was barely bigger than a child of about eighteen months. Surrounding the two figures were several open crates like the ones they were sitting on, and a couple of dozen Ultra-Sonic Super-Robot body parts strewn around the floor.
"I didn't mean to lose my temper, y'know?" the elf was saying. "It's just that this kind of stuff really gets the big guy down. It's people like you's gonna put him outta business!"
The four Ghostbusters all stared at the elf for a moment, and then Kylie whipped out her PKE meter. She looked at the reading and said, "I don't believe it. It's the real thing!"
"You don't believe it?" said Eduardo. "You're a Ghostbuster, girl!"
"But I don't believe in Santa," retorted Kylie. "And I assume that's who he meant by 'the big guy'." She looked at the elf. "Didn't you?"
"Who's askin', toots?" the elf said guardedly.
"These are the Ghostbusters," Lenny jumped in.
"My name's Roland," Roland provided. "And this is Kylie, Eduardo and Garrett."
"How's ya doin'," the elf said expressionlessly. "I'm Coppernose - and yous can all stop lookin' at my nose like that for starters! It's an elf thing, ok? We got names like Goldentoe and Silvereye and Nickelarm, and why the heck not?"
"I have never heard that," Kylie said sceptically.
"Oh, you haven't, huh? Know a lot of elves, girly, do ya? Look, yous guys, I don't want no trouble, ok? You don't believe in Santa, that's no skin off my nose - but my boss sent me here to find somethin', and all I wanna do is keep my head down and find it."
"Keep your head down?" Garrett raised his eyebrows. "What do you call this?" and he gestured at the broken toys strewn around the floor.
"Hey, even elves got tempers," Coppernose shrugged. "All this cashin' in on Christmas really gets me down, y'know? Over the past ten or twenty years we've gotten all these letters sayin' 'I want a mountain bike', 'I want some computer game', I want, I want… Used to be the kids was grateful if they got an apple and a candy cane, but now us elves is workin' our butts of tryin'a put together fourteen-inch TVs - it's soul-destroyin'!"
"So what is it you need to find?" asked Kylie, sounding suddenly very friendly. "Maybe we could help you."
"Maybe you could, maybe you could." The elf waved his hand around dismissively. "But I don't think the big guy'd like that. Y'know what, though, Bill? I'd better be goin'. Sorry about the robots, guy - really I am." Coppernose put down his cup and jumped off the packing crate. "But these toys'll fall apart after ten minutes anyway, y'know? They ain't got no quality. Just you try sellin' some elf-made products sometime - you'd go outta business without kids comin' in here wantin' somethin' new six or eight times a week. Well, see yas," and with that he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"What, that's it?" Garrett said distastefully. "We didn't even do anything!"
"Yeah, sorry about that," Lenny said sheepishly. "I'll tell you what - take as many free Ultra-Sonic Super-Robot action figures as you like."
"No thanks," Kylie and Garrett said together.
"Oh, great - I'll take two," said Roland, beaming.
"Yeah, great way to show your little brothers what they mean to you," said Kylie.
"I might as well take one for Kevin," said Eduardo.
"Just take whatever body parts you need," Lenny said cheerfully. "They fit back together real easy. And, uh… maybe put on a dab of superglue when you get home."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Back at the firehouse, Roland parked the Ecto-1 and then turned in his seat to address his three fellow Ghostbusters.
"Ok," he said. "What do we tell Egon?"
"Um… we tell him what happened?" said Garrett.
"But what should we say we're going to do about it?" Roland persisted. "I really think that elf needs keeping an eye on."
"Yeah, it was creepy," said Eduardo.
"And it's obviously got some kind of beef with big brand names," added Roland.
"Good on him," said Kylie.
Roland ignored this remark, going on in his businesslike tone, "We really should try to establish what he's doing here. He can't really have been sent by Santa."
Garrett raised his eyebrows. "You don't believe in Santa either, huh?"
"Garrett, please, we don't have time for jokes," said Roland.
"No, really," said Garrett. "I mean, I don't believe in Santa - but I also think to ask myself: why not? I mean, we're Ghostbusters. We believe in ghosts and demons and trolls and the Grundle and laughter vampire clown things…"
"Those are all ancient beings that can be documented back to before the beginning of civilisation," said Kylie. "Santa's just - "
"Saint Nicholas," Garrett said brightly.
"Saint Nicholas was a man," said Kylie. "He never had any special powers or, or magical reindeer - and he died a long time ago. Since then, he's been a lie that parents tell to their children to make Christmas more fun. Now, are we going to talk to Egon or what?"
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Janine joined the four Ghostbusters in looking over Egon's shoulder as he tapped away at his computer.
"So did it tell you it was an elf?" she asked, to fill the silence.
"Well." Roland looked thoughtful. "The store guy said it was an elf, and it seemed pretty chatty - I guess we thought he heard it from Coppernose."
"Or maybe he just assumed," said Egon. "That's an excellent point, Janine - it might not be an elf at all. I wish you'd brought me some sort of sample."
"Sorry, Egon," the four Ghostbusters all mumbled.
"Look," said Kylie, "it really hates the commercialism surrounding Christmas. That sounds like a problem an elf might have."
"Yeah, it's just sick of being stereotyped," Garrett said lightly.
"Maybe there's something we could do to appease it," said Kylie. "Like, um…"
"Like what, taking it to see the soup kitchen on Christmas Day?" Eduardo said scathingly. "We should'a' just trapped it."
Kylie scowled. "It said it didn't mean any harm."
"Nevertheless, Kylie, it sounds to me like it's causing problems," said Egon, "so our job is to try and get rid of it - in one way or another. So I want you all trying to find out what it might be. Start by reading up on elves."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
A man in his thirties approached his house, laden with shopping bags. He opened the front door with his elbow, and went inside. Two young boys, who had been sitting under a large Christmas tree and shaking presents, looked up and said smilingly, "Hi, Dad!"
"Hi, boys," the man said, before carrying his bags through to the kitchen where a woman was leafing through some kind of book with obvious distress. The man spared her a glance, and then put down his bags on the table.
The woman looked up, and her eyes widened in horror at something sticking out of one of the larger bags. "I said a turkey, not an ostrich!"
"It was all they had," the husband retorted.
"Well if you'd have gotten one when I asked…"
"You could have always gone yourself!"
"Oh, yeah, sure! Why the heck not? Buy the turkey, stuff the turkey, baste the turkey, cook the turkey - on top of wrapping all the presents and sending out all the cards and dressing the table and I don't know what else! You have no idea how stressful - "
She was cut off as screams wafted in from the adjacent room. The husband and wife exchanged a look of pure horror, and then ran to the aid of their sons.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
"I don't get," said Garrett, as he idly turned the pages of a large hardback, "why it would be so vague about having a mission. I mean, if it did have an ulterior motive, wouldn't it have made up some kind of elaborate cover story?"
"Sure," said Eduardo, who also had a book on his lap, but he wasn't even pretending to read it. "That's what I'd do."
"We need to try and find out what it's after," Garrett went on. "And I don't think these books are gonna tell us."
"They might," said Kylie. She and Roland were both taking their task very seriously, with him standing by the tall bookcase while she sat cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by books. "I've just found this chapter on demons that observe the celebrations and customs of some cultures, and they swoop in and start putting people in their place if they aren't marking the occasion properly. Maybe one of them's gotten wind of Christmas."
"So why is it an elf?" asked Eduardo.
"It's not. It's a demon, and it's chosen the form of an elf because… because it thought it seemed appropriate. Maybe," she added. "There's no way we can be sure yet."
"Well it's better than anything I've found," said Roland. "Suppose it is one of these demons, Kylie. How would we get rid of it?"
"Well…" Kylie looked dubious as she said, "Make everybody in the whole city celebrate their respective winter festivals in the most traditional and ideal way, I suppose."
"Everybody has their own way," said Garrett. "There is no ideal."
"Sure there is," said Roland. "The ideal way to celebrate Christmas is to do it together in harmony and happiness, and remember what it's really about."
"Ok, great," said Eduardo. "So all we gotta do is get everybody in New York happy and harmonious by tonight."
"We could try it," Kylie said acidly. "Let's start with you. What is your problem?"
"Me?" Eduardo said indignantly. "Me? I'm not the one who keeps trashing Christmas!"
"Well at least I care," Kylie retorted.
"Look," said Eduardo, "just because I'm not dancing round the tree in my Santa hat singing 'Dec the Halls' doesn't mean - "
"Guys," said Roland. "This isn't helping. Does anyone want to hear my idea?"
Eduardo and Kylie continued scowling at each other, and said nothing. Garrett said, very obligingly, "What's your idea, Roland?"
"We find the elf," said Roland, "and we get it to tell us exactly what it wants."
"Ooh, yeah, good plan," said Garrett.
"Or we could trap it," said Eduardo.
"Well," said Roland, "let's just see what happens, shall we?"
He stood up and made for the doorway, where he almost bumped into Janine.
"We just got another call," she said. "A young family are being attacked by their Christmas presents."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
The husband, the wife and the two sons were all crouching behind the sofa while their Christmas tree was sprawled dramatically across the floor, and an Ultra-Sonic Super-Robot action figure was tearing the baubles from it and throwing them at the family.
A knock sounded at the door. The woman narrowly ducked a shiny bottle-green bauble, and then called out shakily, "Come in!"
The door clicked open, and four uniformed Ghostbusters trailed into the room.
"Whoa!" exclaimed Garrett, looking impressed and perhaps even a little amused at the chaos that met his eyes.
"Right," said Roland. "Shoot the robot."
With four proton streams trained on it, the plastic toy melted very quickly and the flying Christmas decorations stopped. Kylie then looked at her PKE meter and said, "I'm getting something from inside that cabinet over there."
"Be careful," Roland said soberly, cocking his gun as Kylie approached the cabinet with the TV on it. Underneath the television set was a cupboard about on a level with Kylie's knees. She stooped, pulled the cupboard open and found herself staring at Coppernose.
"Ah jeez," the elf muttered. "I just got here, toots, I swear."
"Can you not call me that?" said Kylie. "What are you doing here?"
"Let's trap him," Eduardo said impatiently.
"Actually," said Roland, approaching Kylie and the elf, "I'm inclined to agree."
"No!" Coppernose cried. "It's not me harrassin' these guys, I swear! If you do anything to me, then Christmas is doomed! I'm tryin' to stop all this!"
"Well so are we," said Roland. "If you can tell us exactly what you're doing…"
"Yeah, ok, fine," mumbled the elf, climbing out of the cupboard and rubbing his back where it had been pressed into by the family's video collection. "How are the humans?"
"Are you guys ok?" asked Garrett, looking over to where the couple and their sons were picking themselves up behind the sofa.
"Yeah, sure, we're fine," the woman said acidly. "We've just had our entire Christmas destroyed, that's all!"
"No you haven't," said Roland. "Remember you've still got each - "
"Look, I'm sorry," the woman said. "I really appreciate your coming, but we're still gonna have a pretty lousy Christmas after this. I mean, are any stores even gonna have any of those robot things left?"
"I know one," Garrett said brightly.
"Not that it's gonna be a surprise now," the woman said, cutting a glance at the slightly taller of her two boys.
"I knew anyway," he said indignantly. "I still want one, Mom!"
"Well," said the woman, "you'd better ask your father to go out and get you one."
"What?" the man cried. "I've just been out to buy the stupid turkey!"
"So what?" yelled the woman. "I have to do everything! You never pull your - "
Her words were lost as her husband started trying to shout over her. The two boys looked at each other, and made a discreet exit. Kylie stood staring daggers at the bickering couple, her eyes shining, and then suddenly she was blinking rapidly and had to leave.
"See, this is the problem," Coppernose confided to Roland, Eduardo and Garrett. "The kid's an ungrateful brat and the mom and dad are so caught up in stuff like dinner and decorations and tacky presents, they've forgotten what Christmas is really about. And hadn't somebody better go after that girl? She looked pretty down, y'know?"
"She did, didn't she?" said Roland, obviously concerned. "I'll - "
"I'll go," Eduardo cut across him.
"Is that a good idea, Eddie?" asked Garrett. "You'll only annoy her. I mean, I think she's crying - she wouldn't want any of us to see that."
Coppernose rolled his eyes. "Jeez, don't yous guys got no heart? I'll go."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Kylie was just outside the family's front door, swiping at her face a tad but not obviously crying. She sniffed, and then jumped in alarm when Coppernose appeared at her shins in a puff of smoke.
"Sorry if I scared ya," he said. "Are you ok?"
"I'm fine," Kylie said tightly.
The elf tilted his head towards the house. "Not all families is like that one, ya know."
"Have they forgotten they've got kids?" Kylie said angrily.
"It's a sad thing," Coppernose went on sagely. "Christmas brings out the worst in people. They find it real stressful, tryin' to get the dinner table like this and the tree like that… Somebody oughtta tell 'em, the way to really get it right is for everybody to get along."
"I don't know why it's not obvious," muttered Kylie.
"Yeah, tell me about it," said Coppernose. "Y'know, sweets, I think that little scene in there really got to you. You wanna talk about it?"
Kylie shook her head.
"Good, me either - we don't got time. You'd better go get your guy friends, honey, and then you can, uh… take me to your leader."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
"Can you get that thing outta my face?" said Coppernose. He was at the firehouse, sitting on the reception desk, with Egon giving him the once over with a PKE meter. The four young Ghostbusters, Janine and Slimer were all hovering a polite distance away from him. "Y'know, I like what yous guys have done with this place. You should get some people in here and treat 'em to a round of 'O Come All Ye Faithful'."
"Really?" said Egon. "Why?"
"To instil the spirit of Christmas in some o' the people round here," Coppernose said impatiently. "Because let me tell you, guy, it sure as eggnog ain't happy!"
"What isn't?" asked Egon.
Coppernose scowled and said, "Ain't you listening? The Spirit of Christmas!"
"The Spirit of Christmas isn't happy?" Roland asked slowly.
"Well o' course it ain't - what with all this arguin' and selfishness and toy retailers tryin' to milk as much money as they can from the season o' goodwill… That's why it's gone AWOL and started tryin' to ruin everybody's Christmas. Ghosts hate it when you mess with what they're all about. But yous guys'd know that, o' course," he added dubiously.
"What? No, wait a minute," said Roland. "The spirit of Christmas isn't an actual spirit."
"That's right," added Garrett. "It just means… you know, the spirit of Christmas."
"Hello?" said Coppernose. "Which one of us here's the Christmas elf? The Spirit of Christmas is a spirit that's spent the last couple o' thousand years tryin' to spread a little joy in this miserable world, but it's been feelin' increasingly hacked off as Christmas has become gradually more commercial, and now it's finally snapped and it's goin' nutsoid. And you guys ain't helpin' much," the elf added, "not believin' in Santa."
"Look, pint size," Eduardo began. "Santa's just - "
"All right," said Roland. "So what can we do to help?"
"Well yous can put away all o' them weapons for starters," said Coppernose. "Then all you can do is try to appease the Spirit of Christmas by, I don't know, carol singin' or handin' out candy in the streets or somethin'."
"And what will you do in the meantime?" Kylie asked sceptically.
Coppernose shrugged. "Keep lookin'. Maybe take it someplace where people do still keep the holiday spirit, and try to make it think there's hope."
"There's hope all right," said Roland. "Bring it here."
"We'll give it some potato chips shaped like Christmas trees," added Garrett.
"Bring it here?" said Coppernose. "No way José! You" - pointing at Garrett - "are not takin' this seriously; this girl obviously has some kind of beef with Christmas; your other friend there couldn't care less, by the look of him; this guy here would just annoy the Spirit with that beeper and… not to be rude or anything, but ain't this lady Jewish?"
Janine looked startled. "How can you tell?"
"I'm a Christmas elf," said Coppernose.
Then she looked angry. "So what's wrong with being Jewish?"
"Not'n', but you want the Spirit of Hanukah."
Roland blinked. "There's no - "
"Look," the elf went on, "I don't got time to sit around here jawin' with yous guys all day, ok? I got a job to do. Now if you wanna help, I suggest you start enjoyin' Christmas - you got that?" And then suddenly he disappeared in one of his puffs of smoke.
"So," said Eduardo, "what was the point of that?"
"We haven't learned anything," Kylie said dismissively. "I'm going to do some more research."
"Is that your answer to everything?" Eduardo said scathingly.
Kylie scowled at him. "Well, do you got a better idea?"
"Yeah," said Eduardo. "Wait until we get another call, and then go deal with it."
"You won't get far in life with that attitude," muttered Kylie, and she stalked off. With his arms folded and a frown on his face, Eduardo watched her go, and then wandered off in the opposite direction - towards the basement.
"Egon," said Roland. "Might Coppernose have been telling the truth?"
"It seems far fetched," said Egon.
"Well," Roland went on, "whatever the problem is, it really does seem to be about people doing Christmas all wrong. I kinda like Coppernose's advice of spreading a little Christmas cheer. I think I'll organise a charity fundraiser for the new year."
"Ah-ha," said Garrett. "And I think I'll go to the gym until something else happens. Call me if anyone's Christmas tree lights start strangling them or something."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Eduardo walked to the middle of the basement floor and then just stood there with his hands in his pockets, clearly not knowing what to do next. Then suddenly he let out a cry of alarm as a plume of smoke erupted in front of him, and there stood Coppernose.
"You ain't gonna help me by spreadin' joy among the city, are ya?" the elf said.
"I make a special effort to get along with my brother at Christmas," said Eduardo. "It makes my nephew and my sister-in-law happy. Isn't that enough?"
"You like that girl, don'tcha?" Coppernose went on.
"What girl?"
"What girl, he says. Jeez, Louise. The Ghostbuster girl."
"Kylie?" said Eduardo. "I don't know, I like her ok. We just work together."
"She is one unhappy girl, that Kylie," said Coppernose. "You could cheer her up."
Eduardo scoffed. "Oh yeah? How?"
"Well, you could get her under that mistletoe out there - give her a little Christmas kiss." The elf grinned toothily and added, "She'd like that."
"No she wouldn't," Eduardo said firmly.
"Buy her a present."
"That would look weird. We've already done Secret Santa."
"Secret Santa?" Coppernose scowled deeply. "Y'know, that's exactly the kind o' bull that makes people think there ain't no real Santa." Then suddenly his tone and expression lightened as he said, "Who'd you get?"
"Egon."
"Ooh, bad luck - he must be real hard to buy for."
"Yeah."
"Well," said Coppernose, "maybe you could have one o' them - what d'ya call em' - heart to hearts with her. You know - find out what it is about Christmas that bugs her, and remind her what the season's really about."
"Dude," said Eduardo. "You got a screw loose."
"Oh yeah?" Coppernose took up his scowl once again. "Well fine. You can make your bed and lie in it, ya miserable little Scrooge!"
"Little?" Eduardo said coolly, as he looked down at the fuming little elf.
"Here I am, tryin' to save your Christmas - why do I bother?" it said. "Saint Nick's been talkin' about retirement, you know - and maybe I'll just give up on tryin' to talk him out of it! I mean, not believin' in the man himself is one thing, but if people are gonna start turning their backs on the most powerful force for good in the whole cosmiverse…!"
"Hey," said Eduardo, "chill. What are you talking about now?"
"Forget you!" Coppernose screeched, and he disappeared again, leaving Eduardo just to stand there in absolute bewilderment.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
It was dark, and the snow was falling, when Roland parked his Mustang outside the Jackson family home. This family was clearly very excited about Christmas; there were garish lights all over the front of the house. Roland climbed out of the car, went to open the boot and pulled out a fair few shopping bags. These he carried to the front door, from which hung an elaborate holly wreath.
Once inside, Roland kicked off his boots and then hastily stashed his bags behind a convenient bookcase when he heard running footsteps. His little brother Casey charged into the hallway, followed by a younger girl and boy.
"What d'you bring us?" Casey asked eagerly.
"I don't know what you mean," said Roland.
"Aw, c'mon," Casey said scathingly. "You don't still expect me to believe that San- "
Roland clamped his hand over his little brother's mouth and began to steer him back through the hallway, saying, "We don't want cynics in this house, Case."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Garrett, meanwhile, was about to have a rather livelier night - judging by the sound of heavy bass emanating from the non-descript building he was approaching. He was struggling through the snow in his wheelchair when the double doors ahead of him burst open, revealing your average looking gym with a crowd of people inside it. A young man and woman came tumbling out, giggling in each other's arms.
"You, G-Man!" the young man said, when he spotted Garrett. "You're late."
"Well I wasn't gonna get here before the party really started," retorted Garrett. "Y'know, it's cold out here - you two might wanna put something on."
The couple burst out laughing, and then went running off together. Garrett watched them go with an indulgent smile, and then made his way in to the party.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Kylie was alone in her attic bedroom, leaning back on her pillows and talking on the phone. "Yeah, just the usual," she said, looking around her and wrinkling her nose at what she saw. "'Course, I'm fine. Don't worry about me - I'll see you tomorrow… I love you too. Bye, Dad."
She hung up, sat there for a few moments looking pensive, and then dived underneath the double bed. When she emerged, she was holding a large sock-shaped net-packaged affair and calling, "Pagan? C'mere, Pagan - Momma's got a special treat for you!"
She climbed back onto the bed, rustling the giant sock-shaped article, and within moments her cat Pagan had joined her and was nudging her arm with his head. Kylie tore open the netting, produce a little bag of cat treats and tipped a few of them onto the bed. Pagan fell eagerly upon them, purring as he devoured his festive treat.
"Merry Christmas, Pagan," Kylie said vacantly, stroking the oblivious cat.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
With all the festive lights and decorations assaulting their sight, no one who was in Times Square that night could mistake the time of year. Eduardo was walking there with a timid looking young woman on his arm, both well padded in scarves and coats and such.
"The city's so beautiful this time of year," the young woman, Bess, remarked.
"Cold," said Eduardo.
Bess giggled and said, "That's half the fun. C'mere - I'll warm you up."
They stopped walking, turned face to face and started to kiss. They'd hardly started at all, however, when a piercing scream cut across the moment and both Eduardo and Bess looked instinctively in its direction. At first they didn't see anything, but when they followed everyone else's gaze upwards they saw a woman dangling from a great height, her left ankle held in a chain of Christmas lights. She was being shaken, and all kinds of consumer goods were falling from somewhere about her person.
"Oh…" Eduardo said vaguely.
"Maybe you'd better call the other Ghostbusters," said Bess.
As soon as she had said this a gang of teenagers came charging round a nearby corner, pursued by a twelve-foot fur tree decorated with coloured lights.
"Yeah," said Eduardo. "Maybe I better had."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Coppernose was standing unobserved among the crowd of people, being knocked from all sides by running shins while he waved his arms and shouted at something a long way above him, "Hey, c'mon, what are you doin' - it ain't that bad! AAAHH!"
He had to duck out of the way as the twelve-foot tree came charging past him. He turned away from it and shielded his head with his arms as a shower of pine needles fell on him.
"Oh no," the elf muttered. "Ah jeez. The big guy ain't gonna like this. Oh, brother - hey! What are you doin' here?" he said loudly, as Eduardo approached.
"There's loads of people here," said Eduardo, crouching down. "I'm out on a date."
"Yeah?" Coppernose's face brightened, but then fell dramatically when he caught sight of Bess as she drew up beside Eduardo. "So who's this?"
"Bess," said Eduardo. "My girlfriend. Bess, this is Coppernose. He's… an elf I know."
Bess smiled. "Nice to meet you."
"You never said you had a girlfriend," said the elf, in the tone of a disappointed lover.
"Dude, it's none of your business." said Eduardo. "Look, are you… handling this? 'Cos I just called the other Ghostbusters - they're on their way."
"Oh yeah?" Coppernose folded his arms across his chest and looked sulky. "And what are you gonna do? Trap the Spirit of Christmas? Yeah, that'd be smart."
"You got a better idea?" said Eduardo.
"I told you," the elf said irritably. "You gotta appease it."
"So what, you want me to tell everybody here they have to be nice to each other?"
"Not just nice," snapped Coppernose. "Lovin', generous, all that kinda stuff. They have to give each other scarves they've knit themselves, stuff like that. Jeez, guy, don't you have any idea what Christmas is about? Man, it's no wonder the Spirit's so hacked off."
"So what are you gonna do about it?" Eduardo pressed.
"I'm doin' everything I can!" wailed the elf. "Don't you got a present for her or somethin'?" and he nodded curtly at Bess.
"Er… yeah," said Eduardo.
"Oh." Bess smiled. "Cool - I've got something for you too."
"Great," said Coppernose. "You guys exchange gifts, and I'll go see if I can calm down that rampaging tree."
The tree, however, was not about to calm down any time soon. It was chasing screaming people around, lunging at them with its string of lights like a cowboy at a rodeo, until the Ecto-1 came screeching into the midst of the chaos. Garrett rolled out of the back while Roland, Kylie and Egon tumbled dramatically out of the side doors. They all looked vaguely around at the people being menaced by various festive decorations, and then Roland and Kylie had to throw themselves against the left side of the car as the tree went running past in pursuit of a terrified young couple.
"Fascinating," Egon remarked.
"Yeah," said Garrett. "So how do we stop it?"
"Well," said Egon, "we'll have to track it to its source. Oh, there you are," as Eduardo approached, followed by Bess, who was now wearing a nice new choker.
"The elf's here," said Eduardo. "It's still going on about the Spirit of Christmas."
"Hi, guys," Bess said timidly.
"Hi, Bess," Roland, Garrett and Kylie all said, the latter with a slight look of disapproval.
"All right, it's this way," said Egon, studying his PKE meter. "If we follow the trail, we should find the source of all this trouble."
"What if the elf's right about this whole Spirit of Christmas thing?" Roland asked worriedly, as he, the other three Ghostbusters and Bess all followed Egon. "We can't trap the Spirit of Christmas!"
"You're right, we can't," said Kylie. "You were the one who tried to tell Coppernose that the Spirit of Christmas wasn't an actual spirit, Roland. It's… you know… inside us."
"There's no Spirit of Christmas," muttered Egon, still following the PK trail. "Well… not in the literal sense. Ah, here we are - the source of the problem. Hello again."
"Oh, it's you," Coppernose said irritably.
"Coppernose," said Egon. "It's you doing all of this, isn't it? And it has been all along."
"Dude, you don't know what you're talkin' about," said Coppernose.
"Don't say that!" snapped Kylie. "Egon's an expert. If he says it's you, then it's you."
"Come on, Coppernose," said Roland. "You've been caught now - just confess."
"Aw man," muttered Coppernose. "All right, fine, it is me! I was just so sick of all o' you darn humans writin' to Santa about Sony CD walkmans and whatever else it is you people want nowadays. You don't want love, do ya! You don't want kindness and friendship and a nice stripy candy cane if you're lucky! Somebody had to do somethin'!"
"You're a rogue elf," Kylie deadpanned.
"Yeah, I am!" Coppernose said defiantly.
"Why put all the blame onto the, um… Spirit of Christmas?" Garrett said scathingly.
"You wanted to trap me!" shrieked the elf. "And you would'a never understood. Spirit! Of! Christmas! You humans is dumber than a month o' donkeys - I had to spell it out!"
"Coppernose," said Roland. "Stop this."
Coppernose looked at his feet. "I can't," he mumbled.
There was silence, at least among their little party; the other people unlucky enough to be in Times Square that night were still screaming. Then Egon said, "What?"
"I CAN'T!" This time Coppernose more than made up for the lack of volume on his first confession. "I guess I didn't really know the extent o' my powers, and it turns out I have a few problems with them when Santa ain't around. Oh-kay?"
Egon pulled a face. "Well, no, it's not ok." He looked over his shoulder at the four younger Ghostbusters. "We're going to have to trap him."
"What?" cried Coppernose. "No - hey!"
He was cut off as no less than five proton streams hit him. He screamed as he was carried into the air, and then Kylie threw down a trap and pulled him in. As soon as the trap closed, the renegade Christmas decorations all dropped whatever they were doing - literally, in the case of a few unfortunate people (there had to have been some nasty injuries) - and became lifeless. The five Ghostbusters, and Bess, all looked around them at the scared and confused people helping each other to their feet.
"Right," said Garrett. "So he was nuts. I knew there wasn't any Santa."
"Oh, I don't know," said Bess. "He said he was a rogue elf. Where else does a rogue elf come from?"
"Yeah, good point," said Eduardo, putting his arm around her. "But I'm not convinced."
"He made some good points, though," said Kylie. "I mean, I personally wouldn't attack people with a twelve-foot tree, but… I appreciate the message he wanted to get across."
"Me too," said Roland. "Hopefully there'll always be some people who can appreciate the true meaning of Christmas."
"Well, they sure as heck make enough Christmas Carol parodies to remind us," said Garrett. "Now, if we're done here, I gotta get back to my party. My, er… friends-all-coming-together-and-appreciating-each-other-at-Christmas party."
"And I have to go home to my family," said Roland. "I might still be in time to read The Grinch to my little brothers and sister."
"We've all got places to be," Kylie said curtly. "Come on, let's go."
She started trudging her way through the well-trodden snow, and Garrett and Egon immediately began to follow her. Roland lagged behind to ask Eduardo and Bess, "You guys need a lift anywhere?"
Bess smiled, and shook her head. "We're in the middle of something here, thanks."
"Ok," said Roland. "Have a good night," and he started to walk away.
"I can think of warmer places to do this," said Eduardo, as Bess wrapped her arms around his neck.
"Eduardo, come on," said Bess. "Where's your Christmas spirit?"
She kissed him, not noticing as he spared one last glance at a particular set of fresh footprints in the snow.
THE END