MY FIRST NON-HEY ARNOLD FANFICTION! I ACTUALLY WROTE THIS A COUPLE YEARS AGO, BUT IT WAS IN SCRIPT FORMAT. HOPE YOU ENJOY :)
Chapter 1: Awesome Answers
Playground
It was the beginning of the week and Bart was spending his recess with Milhouse, hoping to sell a special project the two of them had been working on.
"I don't know Bart. Last time you tried this, Skinner made you scrub toilets with Willie for a month."
Bart stood atop the jungle gym with his friend as he smiled and said "Yes, and you did a great job filling in for me."
The perky boy's eyes lit with gratitude as he blushed "Aww gee! What are friends for?"
"Milhouse. By the time recess is over, we'll have not only enough money for that new Radioactive Man comic, but enough left over for a trip to Krusty Burger."
Although Milhouse was the skeptical type, Bart's creativity never ceased to amaze him. "You're a genius Bart!"
He then watched as his troublemaking friend held up a large stack of papers and shouted to the school kids "EXTRA! EXTRA! Next week's test answers! English! Math! Science! All right here people!"
After eyeing the field, Bart noticed a kid sitting alone on a bench and asked "Hey, who's the self-loathing dork?"
Milhouse bluntly replied "I'm right behind you." Surely Bart had learned what little self esteem he possessed by that point.
"I meant the one on the bench."
Looking across the field, Milhouse shrugged his shoulders, not being familiar either with the face.
The two friends hopped off the jungle gym and began heading towards the new student with their stack of papers. Bart looked at the depressed boy sighing at the ground and said "Hey kid! You don't want to miss out on buying a copy of 'Bart Simpson's Awesome Answers.' Standard price is $10, but I'm going to give you the guaranteed set of A's and sell it to you for $20!"
The boy looked up at who he assumed was attempting to be his friend and said "That's very kind of you, but I don't have any money."
Bart wasn't one to blow an opportunity to make a profit as he replied "I'm a nice guy, just give me something valuable, like an iPhone. It's gotta be a 6 or better though."
Staring with the same sad eyes, the lonely student replied "Whenever I get something nice, my mom makes me give it to charity."
Milhouse walked up behind Bart, having listened to the conversation. Damian was beginning to remind him of himself. "I know the feeling."
After seeing he wasn't going to make a profit, Bart turned around and whispered "We've got another Milhouse on our hands."
"What do we do?"
A tempting smile formed on the prankster's face as he replied "Let's keep him. It'll be good to have a scapegoat in case Skinner does get wise to my plan."
A wide smile grew on the geeky boy's face after hearing the suggestion. "Alright! I'm not the scapegoat!"
The boys then turned to face the sad student as Bart said "Because I'm the nicest guy in school, I'm going to let you hang with us."
Standing from the bench to shake Bart's hand, he smiled "Thanks! I'm Damian!"
As Bart and Milhouse led their new friend around the playground to sell the fake answers with them, Lisa was watching nearby from another bench.
Sighing sadly to herself, she asked "Why does life have to be so complicated? People like Bart lacking any intelligence excel in socialism, while others like me fall further away from people with every bit of knowledge that's gained."
Band Room
The students were sitting with their instruments, waiting to start practice. Mr. Largo entered the room as he said to them "Alright class, we still haven't perfected the Star Spangled Banner. I won't say the school blames us for what happened at last week's football game, but we need to get it right! One...two…"
Before the instuctor could finish, he looked to see one of his students already getting started on her own version of the song.
"Lisa please! Are you trying to make us look bad?!"
Not seeing what the big deal was, the intelligent girl shrugged her shoulders and replied "Maybe a new melody is what the song needs. Sometimes it's good to be different; if people would just be more welcoming to the idea."
Mr. Largo glared at her attempt to change the tune and scowled "Not with music, and not in here!
Bus Ride
Once school ended, the kids were on their usual bus ride home. Bart and Milhouse sat in the back with their new friend, gloating over the stack of money their stack of fake test answers had easily turned into.
"Check it out boys. Easiest $150 I ever made!"
"Even easier than when you sold tickets to watch your dad try to remove his hand after you glued it to his face?" Milhouse asked in bewilderment.
The proud prankster nodded his head in agreement and said "Way easier."
Damian, who was taking in everything he was learning from his two new friends, gasped "Cheating on tests and playing pranks? That seems so evil! I couldn't imagine doing something like that!"
Bart wrapped his arm around what he considered to be his new student and said "Damian my friend, two lessons you'll learn hanging out with me: The best kind of fun comes from hurting someone; What they don't see, won't hurt me."
Milhouse moped at the response as he added "The second one never works out in my favor. That's the price you pay for always taking the blame for something."
Walk
When the bus made it to it's stop, the boys headed for the comic store, while Lisa began her lonely walk home. Staring sadly at the sidewalk, she sang to herself…
I'm all alone, all by myself. There is no one here beside me.
I'm all alone, quite all alone; no one to comfort me or guide me.
Why is there no one here with me?
If there were someone here with me, how happy I would be.
But I am alone, quite all alone.
"I wonder if anyone ever picked up on Arthur Pendragon's hidden message?"
As she continued walking down the street, Lisa failed to notice a teenager standing nearby.
"Hey, cool saxophone!"
The sad second grader turned towards the intrigued voice as she said "Thanks. I've had it forever."
"So, you in a band?"
A somber expression formed on Lisa's face as she explained "If being criticized daily for freedom of expression counts, then yes."
"You should come and check out mine. We could use a new sax player. Ever since my friend Kate hooked up with the school's head actor, theater has been her new passion."
Lisa's firm frown quickly turned to a smile as she eagerly said "Oh that would be wonderful! I mean, sounds cool."
Not thinking anything of her anxious response, the teen handing Lisa her card and said "Great! My name's Grace by the way. Here's my address (256 Marion Ave).
The Android Dungeon
The boys stood in front of the comic store, anxious to purchase their long awaited item. Bart turned to his student and said "Brace yourself Damian. You've never had a comic before, so don't if shocked if once you go in here, everything else in your life suddenly becomes meaningless."
"The Android Dungeon? Seems like a PG13 rated store?" the skeptical boy couldn't help but point out.
Milhouse's mind remained on what they were about to purchase as he said "I can't wait to touch that comic! It'll be like the first time I held hands with Lisa!
As the boys were entering the store, Damian's eyes profusely searched what he found to be inappropriate merchandise for people their age. "Bleeding Gums Murphey Albums, Mad Magazines, are you sure we don't need an ID to be in here?"
Not caring to acknowledge his concern, Bart led them up to the counter and said to the cashier "We'd like your newest edition of Radioactive Man."
Comic Book Guy sighed at the request and replied "Show me the money before I waste my time getting off my stool to grab it."
After handing over the money, Bart turned to their new friend and proudly said "Damian, you're about to see what phony businesses can accomplish."
Once the store owner returned with their desired item, he handed Bart the comic and sighed "Here you go boys. Now get out of my store."
The three of them quickly raced around the back of the store and into the alley to look at their new item. "We finally got it! Just wait until everyone at school sees this!" Milhouse thought out loud.
Bart proudly held up the comic to their new friend and said "Damian, I present to you, Radioactive Man!"
A moment after staring at it, the seemingly innocent boy took the comic to rip in half.
Bart and Milhouse watched the unbelievable incident occur as they screamed "AHHHHH!"
The boys watched the shredded pieces of their coveted comic fall to the ground in front of them. While Bart stood speechless, Milhouse said "It's finally happened. Radioactive Man's become all Radioactive and no man."
At last finding his words, Bart glared at the destructive kid and said "What the hell man?!"
After shrugging his shoulders, not caring about what he had done, Damian replied "I guess now's as good a time as any to point out, I was a bad ass at my last school."
A stunned look appeared on Bart's face after hearing these words. "Wait, YOU were a troublemaker?"
Pleased with the thought of throwing them off, Damian said "Yeah, well now that you know, I'd sleep with one eye open if I were you."
Simpson House
Whistling as he returned from work, Homer entered the kitchen to see Marge preparing dinner. He kissed his sweet wife on the cheek and listened to her say "Hello sweetie, how was work?"
An eager smile formed as he anxiously replied "Fantastic! Today included my three favorite things: TV, food, and sex!"
Discussion At Work During Lunch
The workers were eating lunch at the power plant while listening to a story Lenny had for the group. "So, I ran into this guy at the Kwik-E-Mart yesterday who was buying some kettle corn for watching a movie with his wife."
"Ha-ha, romance movies, the only thing easier than beer when it comes to putting a woman "in the mood." Homer laughed.
"Yea, but get this. It wasn't a romance movie. He said scary movies turn women on quicker than beer turns Homer on."
End of Flashback
Marge stood listening to the story, wondering where he was going with this, until she heard Homer say "So, I stopped by the video store to ask what film gets women feeling from horrified to horny the quickest, and the cashier said, "The Silence of the Lambs."
The sweet woman hugged her husband tight for his attempt at a romantic gesture and said "You, me and Anthony Hopkins…"
Correcting her, Homer held up the movie he picked out and said "Actually, it'll be you, me and Tobin Bell. They only had Saw IV."
After shrugging at the idea, Marge called out "Kid's dinner's ready!"
Dining Room
The family began taking their seats at the table in front of the lovely meal Marge had prepared for them. Homer eagerly eyed his plate and said "Mmmm pork chops; the perfect way to set the mood for what's sure to be a promising night."
Lisa raced in, not caring she bumped her brother on the way to the table.
"Hey, watch it man!"
Feeling he was over-reacting, Lisa asked "What are you so uptight about?"
Bart sorrowfully took his seat as he moped "There's this new kid at school. At first he seemed like a wimp, then we found out he's just another Nelson."
After listening to his son's problem, Homer didn't hesitate to give his advice on the matter "Boy, you're going to run into all kinds of people in your life. First there are stupid people like that Milhouse kid you're always hanging out with. They might be good for a laugh, but their stream of annoyances tends to outweigh their use. Then you got your crazy people like that Sideshow Bob character who will obsess over anything and never quit. Finally, there are some people who are just plain jerks for no reason…. I'd stick with the crazy people. Life's more fun when you're always on the run."
After listening to the senseless advice her husband gave to their troubled son, Marge turned her head and asked " Hmmm how was your day Lisa?"
A smile remained on the young girl's face while she began to explain "On my way home from school I met this girl named Grace. She invited me to check out her band tomorrow!"
"That's wonderful sweetie!"
Having heard what his daughter said, Homer felt he may be helping by adding one more bit of information to his speech. "Oh and then there are cool people who have no flaws, like that Grace girl and me."
Homer's Bedroom
Preparing for the movie, Homer went through his checklist. "Let's see, I got mood setters (popcorn and candy), what's sure to be a successful love level tester (Saw IV), and as always in any situation, my back up plan (6 pack of Duff beer)."
Marge then entered the room. Standing in the entrance of the bathroom in her silk nightshirt, she listened to her husband ask "Ready to have the pants scared literally off you?"
The intrigued lady gave a flirtatious look as she replied "Hit me with your scariest!"
Jigsaw: I want to play a game. You just lean forward into the knives with your face. Press hard enough and you'll release the arm and the leg restraints that bind you. Press hard though. Live or die, Cecil. Make your choice.
Marge was soon regretting those words as she watched the film with terror in her eyes.
Not noticing the uncomfortable state she was in, Homer leaned close to whisper to his wife "Press Hard!" Talk about romance!
"AHH!"