Okay, I know that it's been a while, and I have other fics to attend to, but I just couldn't resist this! Kindly sink in your teeth and enjoy. ;)
I do not own OHSHC, Hamlet, or the unfortunate closeness (in my mind, at least) of the words applause and applesauce.
"I'll see you later, Dad - I'm going out with the girls today," Haruhi called as she slipped on her shoes.
"Send Kyoya my regards," Ranka called back.
"No, Dad," Haruhi laughed slightly as she slipped on her other shoe, "not the hosts. I'm getting together with my friends from middle school." Although, she thought, as the Host Club seems to appear wherever I go, I probably will see them. Laughing in a resigned sort of way at this notion, Haruhi set off to the designated meeting place, picnic basket in hand.
Roughly fifteen minutes later, she arrived at the park. She allowed herself to soak in the smell of the grass and the heat of the sunshine, enjoying the day. They had been lucky that today was a nice day; otherwise, they would've had to have held their picnic in Kasumi's basement - with her brothers around, their gathering could only have ended in chaos and disaster. Swinging her picnic basket happily, Haruhi set off into the park in search of her friends.
"Haruhi! Over here!" Kasumi, sitting on a blanket with six other girls, was waving like a mad woman - which, essentially, she was. Far from being misty-eyed at the reunion of her old group, she was (as ever) excessively exuberant about her happiness.
Haruhi, laughing, walked over to her old friends and plopped down in the spot they had left open for her. "You never change, do you?"
"Nope!" Kasumi cheered, leaning across Hoshi to give Haruhi a hug. "Anyway, put your basket in the center with the others. You brought dessert, right?"
"Of course," Haruhi grinned, rolling her eyes and hugging her friend back. "No one would dare forget the dessert when Tamami's around."
"Hey! I resemble that remark!" Tamami interjected, setting out the sandwiches.
"Anyway," Hoshi said, removing Kasumi's arms from in front of her face, "it's great to see you again, Haruhi. What've you been up to?"
"Same here, and a rather lot," Haruhi smiled. "However, I have the feeling that my explanations are going to take a long time, so why don't the rest of you share your news before I explain?"
The girls agreed; after all, they had well into the wee hours of the morning to catch up. Akimi began their catch-up session by regaling them with the stories of her valiant struggles with her daily milk carton - most of which she, being Akimi, lost spectacularly.
Kaede continued their session by informing them that, quite unfortunately, her prize leaf collection had been eaten by her pet ferret - the latter having shown up in her dreams wearing a large, purple, felt hat and swinging a lasso.
Hoshi entertained them by performing a brief bit of her soliloquy from her latest play - which had, of course, been a parody of Hamlet - Beelet. "To bee, or not to bee - that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the stings and bites of the queen bee, or to take fuzzy legs against the hive of troubles," she declared dramatically, striking a pose. "And by opposing it, to be squished, to die, to fly; no more, and by flying, we say to end a stinger-ache, and the thousand screaming people running away from our hive in the parking lot that bees are heir to? 'Tis a honey-maker's devout wish. To die, to fly; to fly, perchance to buzz; Aye, there's the rub, for in that buzz of fly what honey may come once we have flown from this mortal pollen." Her impromptu performance was met by laughter and applause from her friends, who rewarded her with applesauce. Hoshi bowed and accepted her cinnamon-scented reward.
Makimi told of her spider plant garden, which was doing quite well. It was doing so well, in fact, that it had basically taken over her living room. She warned them never to put such a jungle plant in a bunt pan over a sink, for it would result in a bunt monster.
Tamami simply did a headstand, and offered no explanation whatsoever - which was more than enough for everyone to understand exactly what she'd been up to as of late.
Kasumi went off on a rather odd tangent about how difficult it is to get your hands on frog spawn; apparently, she had wanted to attempt to figure out what witches and wizards did with such a thing.
Yachi, after giving them a basic idea of her ordinary life, suddenly grabbed a plate, held it over her head, and screamed, "It's over Yachi!"
Haruhi rolled her eyes. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"
"Of course not, Haruhi, darling," Yachi drawled, grinning. "It doesn't matter if you know now that the gag is with nine thousand, not eight thousand. We're never going to let you forget it any more than you will let me forget the incident with Kasumi's stuffed dog." At this last phrase, the rest of the girls began to laugh; after all, the memory of their friend being scared out of her wits was among their fondest.
"Now," Kasumi beamed, grabbing a piece of watermelon and turning her attention to Haruhi, "tell us everything. We haven't seen you since a week after your self-inflicted haircut. How is life at the school of damn rich bastards?"
"Surprisingly insane," Haruhi laughed. "Have I told you all about the club I was forced to join?"
"No," the girls chorused, settling in for a good story.
"Well," Haruhi paused, drawing out their anticipation, "it's a host club."
After seven synchronized jaw drops and seven respective jaw-re-hinges, Kaede asked, "Do you mean those places where the gals go in and pay to drink with a guy who compliments them?"
"Essentially, yes," Haruhi sighed, "but we drink coffee instead of alcohol, obviously."
"But don't only men work at those places?" Yachi asked in confusion.
"Normally, yes," Haruhi sighed. "You see, with the exception of the club members and one unfortunate Yakuza boss-to-be, the entire student body believes me to be male." This announcement was received with seven blank stares; Haruhi proceeded to explain the entire fiasco leading up to and following the destruction of the fateful vase in music room three.
"So," Kasumi said, after absorbing this information, "are you on good terms with the other members?"
"Yes, quite well, actually," Haruhi nodded, rummaging in her bag and extracting the portrait bracelet that the hosts had given her. "They tend to dote on me for some reason. They gave me this."
"Tell us about them!" Tamami demanded, beaming, after examining the bracelet.
"Well," Haruhi began, pointing at Tamaki's picture, "to begin with, there's Tamaki-sempai, the host club king; he's a second-year. He tends to woo a large following of ladies with his kind words and good looks. He's a bit sensitive, though, and has a habit of growing mushrooms in a corner when he gets depressed. It's kind of amusing, actually, as he visits his corner at least three times a day. He loves dogs and is half-French. He also has an odd habit of assigning the club members family names; he's Daddy, Kyoya-sempai," she pointed to his picture, and did so with each successive host when she said their name, "is Mommy, Hikaru and Kaoru are their sons - my brothers, because apparently I'm the daughter - and Mori-sempai and Hunny-sempai are the neighbors. He's an idiot, but I suppose that he's pleasant enough.
Next, she pointed to Kyoya's picture. "This is Kyoya-sempai, the shadow lord, also known as the demon king. He's highly intelligent, and I get the feeling that he's even more capable of taking over the world than Akimi's pineapples or Makimi's spider plants. He has ways of getting all sorts of information, and will use it to his advantage. He has a great deal of pride, and he hides his exceptionally powerful passion behind his façade. He's got an angle for everything, is apparently terrifying when he's woken up, and can be so evil that it's actually refreshing. He has one way or another to control each and every member of the host club - mine being my debt, of course. He's the vice-president of the host club by name, but he is the one who's really in charge of everything - especially finances. But he cares about people more than he shows, and is actually a surprisingly kind, innocent guy.
"This is Hikaru," she said, pointing to his picture, "the older of the two devil types, and the more devilish of the two. He's a bit childish, and tends to be extremely possessive; he gets jealous easily. He has very little control over his emotions, but can be rather amusing at times. He's extremely attached to his younger brother, Kaoru; I think that this is what inspired their incestuous play at the club - the over-the-top brotherly love kind of deal. He tends to initiate a lot of the stuff he and Kaoru do to me, with Kaoru following half a second later. Hikaru can get in the way if you're trying to do something important, though - and he's pretty selfish. He's really loud and can be somewhat unreasonable, but he also has a bit of a softer side, and is very artistic. However, he and Kaoru are so wrapped up in their own little world that it's not even funny half of the time… and the two of them are extremely dedicated to pleasure. They refer to me as their toy.
"This one is Kaoru," she said, pausing to draw her breath. "He's the younger and calmer Hitachiin twin. He can be very sweet at times, but tends to decide how people feel and act accordingly. He's more sensible that Hikaru, but still goes along with his insanities most of the time - and even starts a few. He's extremely artistic and is quite amusing at times. Kaoru can be rather helpful, if you can coax him into doing something; he likes to lick things - or, at least, my cheek. He's relatively intelligent, I suppose - at least, he's smarter than his brother (although I suppose that that's not saying much). He's gentle, and fears separation, so he puts Hikaru before him for everything - even if he really wanted whatever it was," here she paused a moment, her expression unreadable, before she continued. "When you get him on his own, he's relatively calm and even fun to talk with… not that the others aren't. In some ways, he's selfish - in others, he's selfless. He's also really devoted to pleasure, and likes to force me to play dress-up with him and his brother. I suppose that I'm closer to the two of them than the rest of the club, since they're in my class.
"This is Mori-sempai, known to Hunny-sempai as Takashi," Haruhi continued, moving her finger to the next portrait. "He's usually stoic and silent, but is apparently the wild type. Personally, I find him to be very caring - not just about Hunny-sempai (I'll explain that later), but about everyone. He's a gentle giant, but he's probably more than capable of putting someone through a wall. I wonder what he thinks about - he's the only - and do I mean only - other quiet person in the host club, including our guests. The exception to this rule is when he gets sleepy, at which point he starts talking and calls people cute. It's rather unnerving, to tell you the truth, but not altogether bad. I suppose that he's rather well-built, and he's adept when it comes to fixing things. He's majoring in law and he is very intelligent. He's surprisingly pessimistic, as was the case when Hunny-sempai got a cavity. Mori-sempai tends to take care of Hunny-sempai, his cousin, due to old lord-servant bonds - I guess it's just in his blood." Here, she paused and shrugged before continuing, "Most of his fans are the earnest, shy types, but he gets along with pretty much everyone.
"Finally, there's Hunny-sempai, also known as Mitsukuni," she continued, pointing at the picture of the small boy. "Believe it or not, he's the same age as Mori-sempai; they're cousins. Even though he's tiny and usually quite sweet, Hunny-sempai is extremely powerful and quite dangerous. For example, if you got his Bun-Bun dirty or wake him up from his nap, there's a good chance that you'll wind up seriously injured if Mori-sempai's not there to calm him down. He has a fondness for cakes and anything cute, especially bunnies. Most of his customers feel more of a maternal love than a sexual love - with the exception of Reiko Kanazuki-san, who is a member of the black magic club. He consumes a large quantity of cake per day, and once caused quite the uproar by getting a cavity. Honestly, those damn rich bastards have nothing more worrying in their lives than the occasional cavity…" she let herself trail off, and then looked up at her gaping friends. "What?"
"That speech…" Yachi said, pretending to gather the words into her hands, and then holding the bundle above her head, "…is over Yachi!"
The other girls laughed; Akimi shouted, over the hilarity, "In word-inches, that is!"
"That doesn't even make sense," Haruhi protested through her own laughter.
"Seriously, though," Kaede said after the laughter had died down, "that was unexpected. Do you honestly spend that much time with those guys?"
"Yes, unfortunately," Haruhi sighed. "I mean, they're nice enough, but it seems like they're wherever I go - even when I was working Karuizawa one summer, they followed me there. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I turned around and saw them at the park entrance."
"You mean, like right there?" Kasumi gasped, pointing at the park entrance.
Haruhi whirled around to look at the park entrance; to her utter relief, the six young men of Ouran Academy were not present. "One of these days, I'm going to kill you, Kasumi."
"Is that any way to treat an old friend?" Kasumi giggled, sticking her tongue out at Haruhi.
"Yes, in your case," Haruhi huffed, glaring at her.
"Come on, Haruhi," Hoshi beamed, looping an arm over her shoulder, "you know that we only tease you because we love you."
"Yeah, yeah," Haruhi replied, biting into her sandwich. "So what else is new with you lot?" And so, slowly, the conversation moved away from the hosts; Haruhi slipped back into the groove of her old friendships, laughing happily at the bizarre stories that her friends spun. Eventually, the sandwiches, chips, and fruit vanished; the girls then dug happily into dessert, teasing Tamami about her voracity. About halfway through the brownies, Haruhi happened to glance over her shoulder - and then dove across the blanket and snatched Kaede's large sunhat off of her head.
"What the heck, Haruhi?" Kaede yelped, trying to get her hat back.
"I'm begging you, just let me borrow this for a little while," Haruhi replied.
"Fine, but why?" Kaede asked, relinquishing the hold on her hat.
Tugging the hat low over her eyes, Haruhi whispered, "Do you guys remember how I told you about how the guys tend to turn up wherever I go?" The surrounding girls nodded vigorously. "Well, don't look now, but there may or may not be six rich bastards at the entrance to the park - I said, don't look!"
"Oh, my goodness!" Makimi gasped.
Akimi gaped, "They're even more gorgeous in person!"
"That's over Yachi beauty points!" Tamami giggled, earning a high-five from Kaede, who was struck speechless.
Hoshi swooned dramatically. "Oh, I'd give anything to have those arms around me!"
"Which ones?" Yachi giggled.
"Any of them!" Kasumi shrieked.
"Please don't let them come over here, please don't let them come over here, please -" Haruhi chanted in a whisper, before glancing over her shoulder and groaning. "They're coming over here - if, by some miracle, they don't recognize me, I am keeping my head down… and my name is Hitochigai, Hito for short."
"Hitochigai? Seriously?" Hoshi asked, gasping dramatically. "How unimaginative, Hito-chan!"
"Good afternoon, my lovely ladies!" exclaimed an all-too-familiar voice.
Haruhi, who had been about to retaliate to Hoshi's statement, ducked her head and pulled Kaede's hat further down over her eyes.
"I am Tamaki," the voice continued; Haruhi saw a few of her friends blushing lightly; the others were snickering. "May my friends and I have the great honor of being in your company?"
"Sure, why not?" Kasumi grinned. "Pull up a bit of grass. Who are you guys?"
Tamaki, after yanking a bit of grass out of the ground and earning himself a glare from Makimi, introduced the other hosts.
"Well, isn't this fabulous?" Tamami whispered to 'Hitochigai.' "You get to hang out with your old friends and new friends!"
"Shut up," Haruhi hissed back. "It's more like old annoyances and new annoyances, anyway."
Tamami feigned hurt before sticking out her tongue, and received a glare from under the brim of Kaede's hat for her efforts.
"Would you do us the honor of telling us your names?" Tamaki inquired, sending roses swirling and sparkles flying everywhere.
"Oh, sure," Kaede replied, talking over Kasumi and pointing to each girl in turn. "We're Hoshi, Tamami, Yachi, Makimi, Kasumi, Akimi, Kaede - that's me - and Hitochigai, Hito-chan for short."
"It's a pleasure to meet all of you," Tamaki beamed.
Kyoya adjusted his glasses, observing the girls; his gaze found one girl's face and he smirked. "Have we had the pleasure of meeting you ladies before?"
"What?" Akimi giggled. "No, never. We've never seen you before in our lives."
"Hey, do you princesses like playing games?" Hikaru asked suddenly.
"Princesses?" Kasumi snorted. "Where the heck did that come from?"
Hikaru flushed, unsure what to do; he had never gotten that reaction before. "Um…"
"Our apologies," Kaoru grinned, covering up for his brother. "Would you like to play a game?"
"What type of game?" Yachi asked suspiciously.
"The 'Which One Is Hikaru' game!" Hikaru and Kaoru beamed.
"Sure, why not?" Yachi shrugged. She pointed at Hikaru. "You're Hikaru."
Cue the synchronized jaw-drops of four of the male hosts and the slight snicker of 'Hito.' You can't say that I didn't warn them about her long memory. They didn't even move or switch their hair; of course she's going to remember who's who.
Kyoya, noticing the small snicker, nodded and made a note in his book.
Hunny, ignoring all of this, had walked over to Tamami. "May I have one of your brownies?"
"Sure thing, Hunny-sempai!" Tamami grinned. "Hito-chan made them for us."
"Thank you!" Hunny beamed. "Wait, how did you know that I was your sempai?"
"Oh, a little tanuki told me," Tamami giggled. "Don't worry about it."
"Tanuki…?" Hunny asked thoughtfully, eyes flickering around to each of the girls. "A tanuki, huh…"
Tamami grinned at Hunny, ignoring the death glare the aforementioned tanuki was sending her way. After winking not-so-subtly at Haruhi, she handed Hunny another brownie; something clunked into place in Hunny's head.
"Ah," he sighed contentedly, biting into his brownie.
Mori was listening as Hoshi explained her part in Beelet - and with great interest, indeed. In fact, had anyone asked him to repeat her lines, he would have been more than capable of doing so - that is, if he ever decided to speak. He gave her a slight smile and clapped softly when she sat down, so as to show his appreciation for the theater.
Hoshi's heart did a back-flip; she leaned over and whispered to Haruhi, "The theatre, the theatre, what's happened to the theatre?"
Haruhi smirked at her friend's use of their code, and whispered back, "The hosts can't date anyone individually, so don't try."
Hoshi sighed, her face falling for a moment before pretending to pout, "So I haven't got a shot with you?"
Haruhi rolled her eyes and shook her head. "No, sorry. You might want to try Kasumi."
Hoshi giggled before reaching for a brownie, winking at her tanuki-like friend. "I'll think about it, but I still think that the Sakaki-man is more my type."
The said tanuki-girl's familiar and exasperated sigh reached Mori's ears; as per usual, no emotion registered on his face.
Hikaru and Kaoru had retired somewhat gloomily to the edge of the blanket, their act having received a far different reaction than what they were used to. Rather than squealing incessantly, the girls had given them the half-disgusted, half-patronizing look one would give a young child who was picking their nose. The two of them were conversing silently in twin-speak, wondering what they should do next. Eventually, they decided to simply start joking around; this attempt worked much better than the last.
Kasumi, catching onto their jokes, joined in with much gusto, "Shear-ly you can't be forgetting sheep jokes! That would just be baa-d!"
"Of course we're not fleecing you with these jokes!" Hikaru exclaimed.
"You said that rather sheepishly," Kaoru intoned with a large grin.
"I shutter to think that you haven't yet switched to window jokes," Kasumi countered.
At this, Makimi leaned over and, in response to Tamaki's perplexed look, explained, "For some reason, sheep and window jokes are permanently linked in Kasumi's mind. She says that it's because her dad taught them to her at the same time."
"Ah," said Tamaki rather weakly, "how lovely." Brightening, he added, "The love between a parent and a child is wonderful, especially when shown in laughter!"
"You know, it's kind of woolly of you lot to just burst in on our picnic," Kasumi smirked.
"Aw, you saw right through us, didn't you?" Hikaru pseudo-pouted in reply.
"You guys really are a pane," Hito sighed unexpectedly from her bit of blanket, in-between nibbles of brownie.
"Ewe are a sharp one, aren't ewe, Hito?" Kaoru grinned.
"It's curtains for you lot and your terrible jokes!" Akimi shrieked loudly, suddenly squirting the joke-telling trio with her water bottle.
Kasumi turned her head slowly and eyed Akimi dangerously. "You do realize," she said in a low voice, "that this means war."
"Indeed I do," Akimi smirked back, her voice equally dangerous.
The host club males watched with bemusement as the two girls pulled out a deck of cards and, after splitting it in two, slowly began flipping them over one at a time, sweeping them away or towards them in an indiscernible pattern. Eventually, one of them wound up with all of the cards and crowed triumphantly. The other scowled, "I should have known better than to have gloated over the battle… it made me lose War."
The other girls giggled and snicker appreciatively, partly at the comment and partly at the looks on the boys' faces.
"So," Kaede began, only to be cut off by a burst of song.
"- a needle pulling thread!" Kasumi began, the other girls joining in quickly, with the exception of 'Hito.' A few of the hosts, after a rather impressive display of blinking, joined in the impromptu song.
"Anyway," Kaede intoned after the singing had subsided, "are you guys in any clubs at school?"
"Yes, actually!" Tamaki beamed brightly. "We are members of the Ouran's Host Club!"
"Ouran?" Hoshi gasped, feigning shock. "That super-shmancy place?"
"It's not really all that fancy," Hikaru shrugged.
"It's pretty normal," Kaoru added.
"Ouran…" Makimi said thoughtfully. "Isn't that where our friend goes?"
"Oh, her? Yes, I think so," Akimi nodded, cottoning on, "she did say something about getting into Ouran."
"A friend of yours?" Hunny beamed. "Does she ever visit the host club?"
"Yup," Kasumi giggled. "Every time it's open!"
"Interesting," Kyoya said, adjusting his glasses. "Would you ladies care to hear more about our club activities?"
"Sounds interesting," Tamami smiled, checking her watch, "but we've really got to get going. We've got a sleepover to get to!" With this, the girls packed up their baskets and rolled up the blanket; they then stood up and waved their farewells to the host club.
However, before they could leave, Kyoya asked, "Will we see you at our next function, Hito-chan?"
At this, Haruhi turned around, tipped the brim of Kaede's hat upward so they could see her grinning face, and replied, "Of course, Kyoya-sempai - after all, I'm a member of the club." She turned to her friends, grabbed Kasumi's arm, and dashed off, yelling, "Run!"
She and her female friends then beat a hasty retreat to Kasumi's house for their sleepover, leaving three stunned hosts, one laughing host, one silent host, and one calculating host in their wake. Naturally, Haruhi was going undergo much interrogation from her friends - both that evening and upon her return to the club room on Monday. Also naturally, she dealt out rather evil Dares to her friends that evening, including many prank calls to, impressions of, and singing to the hosts - much to the hilarity and embarrassment of the gathered group. In return, she was bombarded with Truths, and it was discovered how wonderfully she had been corrupted.
Hoshi: star
Kaede: maple leaf
Tamami: beautiful gem
Yachi: eight thousand
Makimi: genuine beauty
Kasumi: misty
Akimi: autumn fruit
Hitochigai: mistaken identity
Hito: person
Haruhi: spring day (just in case any of you were wondering)
Sakaki: sacred tree in the Shinto religion
Claraowl: the author's unfortunate online pseudonym, due to a temporary obsession with a name (for no good reason, I might add) and a lifelong devotion to owls.
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Ahem.
Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed the story! Please leave me your thoughts in that lovely little review box and have a nice day/night/et cetera. ^^
(Just so you know, the Judging Owl is judging your every move, and knows what you've read. Shame on you! ^^)