Anders was my first romance partner- I fell head over heels for him, I will shamelessly admit. Fenris was my next victim- I promise I'm working on Fenris fics too ;) And this time round I'm working on Merrill.
Anyhow, I wrote this because the plot bunny refused to leave me. I have more Anders x F!Hawke in the works too, and will post them as new chapters :)
Disclaimer: As much as I'd like to, I cannot claim to be the genius that came up with Dragon Age, and will give all the credit to Bioware's amazing team.
Unworthy
"You deserve better than an apostate on the run," Anders said softly. The determined sparkle in her eyes warmed his heart- she was willing to fight for him, despite his unworthiness- and he heard her smile in her reply.
"I'll be the judge of that, thank you very much," Leora Hawke said firmly.
XX
The next three years were the sweetest hell he had ever burned in.
Every night he longed for her, lay in bed staring at the roof of his Darktown clinic, the ground of Lowtown where she lived, and wasn't whether he slept at all- his fantasies of her might well have slipped into dreams.
But he knew that he was unworthy of her, despite what she said, despite the sparkle he saw in her eyes when she looked at him that wasn't there when she looked at the others- at Fenris, who he found himself getting jealous of-, and tried not to obsess over her, with little success.
After all, she was willing to fight for him.
Justice didn't approve, kept reminding him of his duty to destroy the Chantry and expose the Circle for what it really was, but that was a distant future, and Leora Hawke was a solid, physical reality.
So, he didn't really try too hard to fight the fantasies.
XX
She kept pursuing him. He resisted at first, resisted every step of the way, but his desire eventually won out over his common sense.
"You saw what I almost did to that girl-" he began, hoping to remind her that he was a monster and that she would make the right decision here- because he sure as hell couldn't do the right thing- "But I'm just a man, and I can't keep resisting!" he burst out in frustration.
"I don't want you to resist," she said. She opened her mouth to continue but he didn't hear what she said next. He'd flown forward, unable to control himself, and thrown his arms around her, kissing her fiercely. She responded with passion, and he found himself wondering dazedly why he'd ever resisted this. He finally broke apart only because he needed to breathe.
"If your door is open tonight I'll be there," he said. "If not, I'll finally know that you've taken my warnings seriously."
"Not a chance," she muttered as she grinned from ear to ear. It occurred to him that he was something of a conquest, after his three years of resistance, and found that the thought didn't bother him in the slightest.
XX
He eagerly headed along Hightown streets as he went to the Hawke Manor. Justice tried everything to stop him, but he tuned the spirit out. He had burned for this for three years and would not be denied now.
He slipped inside and found her in her room, leaning casually against the bed and watching the door, waiting for him. The sight of her took his breath away. She was so beautiful.
"I'd have gone looking for you if you'd taken any longer," she said, unable to help the silly grin that spread across her face.
"This is stupid," he said, trying one last time to convince her- and himself.
"Of course it isn't," she said, crossing the room to face him. "I don't care about Justice, about the fact that you're an apostate, about anything. I want you, Anders."
Seeing her so close he lost control. He wrapped his arms around her neck and pressed his lips to hers eagerly. He'd waited three years and would not wait another second. She took his hand after they separated, panting and redfaced, and led him to the bed. He pushed her down on the covers and pressed his lips again to hers, feeling her wrap her arms around his back and felt Justice give up.
XX
He stared into her eyes as they cuddled, wrapped so closely around each other so it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began.
"That was fantastic," he breathed.
In reply she leaned forward and kissed him.
He responded passionately.
She reached up and traced his jawline with a finger, and planted a kiss on his Adam's apple. He growled in pleasure.
"Keep that up and I might just do this again," he threatened, kissing her neck and trailing down to her chest. She made a small noise of pleasure and wrapped her fingers through his hair, tugging it rather pleasantly as he kept kissing her.
XX
"I'd best be getting back to the clinic," he said reluctantly the next morning as they got dressed. She looked up at him, disappointed.
"Why?"
"Because the people need my help. I need to be there. I live there." He stopped short of saying it was home.
"You live there, yes. But it's not home." There was a long silence. "Move in, Anders," she said. "Live with me." He nearly dropped his shirt.
"You're serious?"
"Deadly," she replied. "What say you?"
"What about Meredith?" he asked, floundering for a moment, trying to find his footing in this new possibility.
"What about her?" she asked as he slowly pulled his shirt over his head. "You need a better place to live than your clinic. No offence, but it's a bit… run down." He chucked ruefully.
"Darktown," he said by way of explanation.
"Hightown," she offered.
He thought seriously for a moment.
"You're sure about this?"
"Positive."
"In that case…" he paused dramatically as she cocked an eyebrow at him. "Sure. Why not?"
"I'll want a little more enthusiasm than that!" she laughed, hitting him softly on the shoulder. He raised his arms in mock surrender.
"I would love to live with you," he said seriously. She giggled a little nervously.
"I'm glad you said that. I'd have felt like a fool if you said no."
"How could I?" he asked, taking her hand gently and kissing her.
XX
She sat on the bed, crying. He knew why- he found it hard to shake the image of Leandra all stitched together too. He had no doubts that she'd have many nightmares in the next weeks. He sat beside her and gripped her hand gently.
"I am so sorry about your mother," he said seriously. She turned to him and buried her face in his shoulder, throwing her arms around him.
"I failed her," she said, voice muffled by his shirt. "I should have been faster."
"You couldn't have been any faster," he told her. "There was nothing you could have done."
She didn't reply as he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close.
XX
If his last three years had been the sweetest hell, then this surely must be heaven.
Waking up every morning beside her made each new morning the best day of his life. He'd waited so long, and it was worth every second of agony.
He hadn't forgotten his task, and still did his research, he still helped the sick, but every night returned to Hightown, to the manor- returned home.
Home. This place was his home now.
He still found it a little hard to take in at times. He'd grown so used to Darktown's squalor that the wealth of Hightown was daunting.
Guilt occasionally plagued him, usually prompted by Justice, at leading her on, knowing that he would have to leave her, but without a plan, he couldn't sacrifice the best thing that had ever happened to him over an abstract idea.
XX
He almost wished he'd never found a way.
Because this meant his honeymoon was over. He would have to work now, to leave her, to lie to her. He needed to ask her for her help to finish his plan, but couldn't ask for it based on the fact that he was going to destroy the Chantry as she'd be honour bound to turn him in- or worse, help him- he needed to find another excuse.
What would she help him with?
Anything.
Even to destroy the Chantry.
He wrenched his mind from those dangerous thoughts and attempted to think of something else.
XX
"I've been doing research," he said, staring at the ground, unable to meet her eyes. "And I think I've found a way to get rid of Justice."
It was the best lie he'd been able to think of.
"Oh yes?" she asked, cocking her head interestedly. "What does it entail?"
"Just a simple potion," he assured her, hating himself more with each word he spoke. "But I need your help to get a couple of ingredients."
"Just a potion?" she asked. "That's all?"
"That's all." He couldn't fake a smile anymore. He sighed. "Please."
"Of course," she said, touching his arm. "Anything for you."
As she left the clinic, he buried his face in his hands.
XX
"Tell me one thing Anders," she said softly, hand on his cheek. Her eyes were soft and steady, and he knew what was behind them. Sadness, pride and understanding. She understood duty. Maker he loved her. He just wanted to kiss her, here and now, but held back. He could not be with her anymore- this was more important than even her- and did not want to make this too hard for her. She had already given him far more than he deserved.
"When this is over, and Justice is gone-" she paused here and he could see the uncertainty in those beautiful brown eyes. It tore at him, that he had caused her pain. "Will you be the same?"
The question was delivered in a way that told him she knew he would be different. He hated himself in that moment, hated having to lie to her.
"I don't know," he said, took her hand away from his face and gazed longingly at her for just a moment, dropping it reluctantly before tearing his eyes away and walking away from her. He heard her breathing, knew that she had reached the edge of tears he saw when she thought of her mother or Carver, and hated himself for bringing her there. As he left the room through a supreme effort of will, he whispered, "Forgive me, love."
She had heard him. He knew from the way she took a half step towards his turned back. He could hear her drag her foot back across the floor and knew that he could not afford to turn around now, no matter how badly he wanted to. He would never leave if he did.
It was the hardest thing he had ever done, but he closed the door behind him. Just before it shut, he heard her sink to the bed and a muffled sob escape her.
XX
"This was your plan all along?" she asked, staring up at the red lights in the sky, oddly beautiful, then turned to him, angrily.
"This is why you had me distract the Grand Cleric?"
He looked down, unable to meet her eyes. He knew this was going to happen, but even so, wasn't prepared for the fury radiating from her every pore.
"I'm sorry," he muttered. "If I'd told you… you'd have felt honour bound to stop me."
"Damn straight," she hissed, lips pressed into a white line. He bit his lip and gripped his hands tightly together to stop himself from trembling.
"The right of annulment," he vaguely heard Meredith say from his seat on a box he'd found. Fighting. Footsteps.
She was standing behind him.
"You can't say anything to me I've not said to myself," he told her without looking up. Her response was not what he'd expected.
"Come with me," she said softly. "Help me fight for the mages. Set things right."
Astonishment made him look up.
"You're serious?" he asked, in the exact same tone he'd used when she'd offered him a place in her home three years ago.
"Deadly," she said, also in the same tone.
"I'm sorry I didn't trust you," he said. "I wanted to tell you so badly, but what if you'd stopped me- or, worse, tried to help?"
"Then we would have been in this together. We already are, Anders."
"You had nothing to do with it!"
"I've protected you for three years, had you under my roof, and, to hear Varric talk, had wild sex with you every night. Do you think anyone will believe I didn't know?" That gave him pause. He hadn't considered that. His silence was more eloquent than any words.
"We're in this together, Anders. And I'd have it no other way."
He heard the familiar mulish tones she used when arguing with him about the danger of having him as a lover, and knew she'd never back down. He couldn't help a smile spreading across his lips as he registered the fact that she was still here for him, still supporting him, and, impossible as it was to believe, she still wanted him.
His smile died, though, when he saw how much damage had been done, and he swallowed nervously.
"I didn't want it to be this bad," he said. She looked at him and touched his hand softly.
I know her eyes told him.
XX
He'd been thinking about his options. He saw her talking to her other companions, and knew that she'd speak to him too. He tried to prepare his words but when she did finally come over to him he was tongue tied.
"I can't stay," he blurted out finally after a long moment of just staring at her. "I need to leave Kirkwall. I'll be a fugitive. No one will help me."
"I know," she said, gazing at him.
"And I know I've no right to ask this- but I didn't even expect you to spare my life, and… and I have to ask. I want you to come with me. I'd rather be on the run with you than alone."
He waited with baited breath and tried to tell himself that he'd understand if she refused. She didn't reply right away.
"Well, I suppose," she said slowly. "We'll be fugitives together."
He blinked twice.
"Wait, what?" he exclaimed. "Seriously?"
"Seriously."
She leaned forward and kissed him softly and he felt the fire in his heart reignite.
"We will make a world where our children can be mages and live free," he vowed. He knew that any children they did have by some miracle would be mages- he was a mage, and she had a father and sister who were mages.
"We will," she said. "But first, we have to deal with Meredith."
"Of course," he said, wrenching his mind back to the present. "Thank you," he added as she started to walk off.
"It's nothing," she said sincerely. "Be ready. Keep safe, Anders. Survive."
XX
He'd fought by her side in several battles. He'd even watched her fight the Arishok alone. He remembered the nail-biting duel, where he'd had to grip his clothes and bit his lip, hard, to stop himself darting in to help her. But this was almost worse than even that day, a day he still had nightmares about sometimes.
He knew the reputation of Knight-Commander Meredith, and the way both Leora and Varrick stared at the sword which was made from pure lyrium made him scared.
At least he was by her side this time.
She was dodging fluidly as the massive statue tried to hit her, and failed. Its sheer size and ungainly movements were its undoing. Admittedly, however, her two daggers weren't doing all that much against stone. But, distracted as he was, he failed to notice the statue that was approaching him until it was too late.
It smashed him in the small of the back and he dropped his staff, doubling over in agony. His cry of pain must have reached her ears- for the next moment the statue was in itty bitty pieces and she was crouching protectively over him.
"Meredith," he gasped.
"Fenris is making short work of her," she replied.
"Help him," he said. "You are the Champion of Kirkwall. Do your duty."
She laughed at his unintentional parody of Meredith's words.
"I am doing my duty. I'm protecting you."
"But Meredith…"
At that moment a roar of what felt like magic- but couldn't be, Meredith was a Templar- cut his words off and everyone in the square turned to watch as Meredith screamed at the heavens, then her sword broke apart in her hand and red light streamed out of her whole body. It became far too bright and he turned away, blinking several times to be rid of the persistent aftershadow her action had left.
Leora was tugging on his hand.
"Anders, look," she breathed, sounding astonished. He turned and did a double take.
Where Meredith had been was a statue, kneeling as if plunging a sword into the ground, glaring up at the world.
"Maker," he breathed, as booted footsteps ran into the square and they were surrounded by Templars.
He found himself looking around nervously. What if they attacked them for the loss of the Knight-Commander? Leora locked gazes with Cullen- who was the most senior Templar now he came to think about it- for a very long time.
Then she turned her back on the Templars and walked out of the Gallows.
He followed her and the others slowly followed. No one moved behind them.
XX
They left the city that night, all of them in one big group. First they headed out to the Wounded Coast, then on, past the mountains, where no one would find them.
Aveline and her husband Donnic left them first, to find a place in which to settle down. Then Fenris struck out alone- why, Anders wasn't sure, but then again, he was never sure about any of the elf's motivations. Merril left soon after, either to kill herself in her guilt over the Keeper or to find a way to get over it, he wasn't exactly clear.
Varrick only left them reluctantly. His devotion to Leora- and possibly the fantastic stories her exploits gave him- made him both a staunch protector and good friend, and he left only because he had no other choice. Leora told him before he left to make their adventures sound good and the wicked grin on the dwarf's face made Anders groan.
Bethany left them last, grinning smugly and saying that they needed 'time alone'. To her credit, Leora didn't blush too hard- he certainly went red as a cherry- and as she watched her sister, the last of her companions, leave, she looked sad.
But she stayed with him, as she had said she would. They were fugitives together, and he found, to his intense surprise, that people respected her so much that they weren't bothered as much as he'd have expected.
Other mage circles rebelled, to his delight, and soon the Templars had no mages left. They were shocked to find that the Champion became the rallying point of all rebellion in the Thedas, the symbol of freedom from Templar oppression.
"Me? Seriously?" she asked on several occasions.
But mage freedom wasn't the best thing that happened. Neither was the fact that Justice had been quiet lately. Or that they weren't hounded constantly by Templars.
It was the fact that she was pregnant.
When she'd told him he'd nearly fallen over. He'd not thought it possible to sire children with the Taint.
He figured she must have been pregnant during the fight with Meredith- which went a ways towards explaining why she stayed at his side instead of fight- and she also said that Bethany had known, which explained the girl's smug smile.
"Baby will be a mage," she said. They'd taken to calling the child 'Baby' until they knew the sex.
"A free mage," he said delightedly. "He or she won't have to hide." The warm smile she wore as she caressed her belly was so like her mother's that he did a double take.
"I wish Mother was here," she said softly. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder.
"She's watching, I'm sure," he said. "From the Maker's side."
She smiled.
And, he reflected, this was the true triumph of mage freedom. Not taking down the Chantry or the Circle, but the fact that his son or daughter would be born into a world where they would be free to use their powers.
And it was a world he had created.