I thought I'd never be able to upload this here! It's already on my website. Hope you like it.

A/N: This story is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine. This is a silly piece of fluff. Silly, silly, silly.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo was bored. They hadn't had a new case in weeks, it was if the world had stopped turning on its axis and time was frozen. Sighing, he turned back to his computer screen and resumed his game of Solitaire. Gibbs had jumped all over him for playing the more time-consuming arcade games, so Tony was whiling away his time at the simple, mind-numbing card game.

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs came down the stairs, two at a time, from MTAC.

"I've got good news and bad news," he announced.

The three agents looked up from their desks expectantly.

"We've got a case."

"Yes!" Tony jumped up, pumping his fist. "Um, I mean, I hope no one was killed... Boss," he said, backing away from the glaring senior agent.

"What's the bad news?" asked Special Agent Timothy McGee, his cherubic face a picture of curiosity.

"Tweeter's writing it."

Officer Ziva David snorted, "Uh oh, watch out Tony."

Tony turned pale, "Are you sure?" he asked, holding his arms around himself protectively.

Gibbs nodded grimly, "I'm sure. Sorry, DiNozzo."

"Maybe you'll come through this one okay," said McGee sympathetically.

Tony sat down with a thump, "Yeah, right. What else can she do to me?"

"There are plenty of things she hasn't had happen to you yet, Tony," Ziva said casually, "Drowning, getting caught in a fire, getting blown up, falling off a cliff..."

"Okay, we get the picture," interrupted Tony, "don't give her any ideas."

"Hey, I think I'm a bit insulted."

The agents looked around to see where the voice was coming from.

"It's her," whispered McGee.

"I don't always hurt Tony."

"Tony's been hurt in eleven out of sixteen of your stories, Tweeter," Gibbs pointed out.

"You can't count Distractions, he was already hurt from his undercover operation with Ziva!"

"I didn't count that one," agreed Gibbs.

"Oh."

"I thought you liked me," Tony said plaintively.

"I love you, Tony! I absolutely adore you! You're handsome and funny and smart and sweet..."

"You know what they say Tony," McGee said, smirking, "You only hurt the ones you love."

"Funny, Probie," Tony glared at the younger agent, "you better not stand too close to me, you never know if you'll get hit in the crossfire."

"That's right, Tony," Ziva said, "we'll just drive clear of you."

"That's steer clear, and stop picking on Tony. You guys don't give him the respect he deserves."

Tony grinned triumphantly at the others.

"I don't mean to hurt Tony every time. I didn't plan it in Pink Cadillac, it just happened. I wanted to write a story with Ziva stuck with a bunch of cosmetic selling housewives, and then decided that it would be fun to compare her to Kate..."

"Now that you mention it," interrupted Special Agent Caitlyn Todd, appearing out of nowhere, "why are you making me such a bitch?"

"If the shoe fits," said Ziva, smiling sweetly at the other not-so-dead agent.

Kate started to say something, glaring at the other woman, when Gibbs interrupted the potential cat fight.

"What did you have in mind, Tweeter?" he asked.

"Well, I have a couple of ideas rolling around in my head. One is where you and Tony go to pick up an escaped killer who happens to be a doctor. The small plane you're in crashes and the doctor is the only one who isn't injured. You're injured, but not seriously, just serious enough so you can't really help Tony, who's critically injured..."

"Of course," muttered Tony.

"Okay, okay, I'll put that one on hold. I don't seem to be getting anywhere with it anyway. Then there's the one where you and Gibbs go to question a witness to a hit-and-run, you hear a noise in an alley and think it's a cat, but you get shot by a drug addict who's high on meth."

Tony groaned and put his head down on his desk, covering it with his arms.

Abby bounced into the squad room. "What's wrong with Tony?" she asked.

"Tweeter's writing another story," explained McGee.

Abby patted Tony's back sympathetically, "I'm sorry, Tony. I'll come visit you in the hospital." A muffled moan was the only response.

"Now I'm feeling really guilty. I'll work on something else. I was going to write more with Ziva and Kate butting heads."

Tony raised his head, "Mud wrestling?" he asked, hopefully.

"No...No" Tony flinched as all the females in the vicinity yelled at him.

"How about a love story?" suggested Kate. "Lots of people write those."

"I'm not really much of a shipper, though. If I were going to ship anyone, it might be Tony and Abby, or Tony and Ziva."

"What about me, Abby and Ziva?" asked Tony, wincing as he was hit from both sides.

"You could write another Mary Sue," suggested Gibbs. "Create an original female character and have her be you."

"My fantasies aren't for public consumption. Besides, I like writing case stories. And people seem to like it when I hurt Tony. One reader is always asking me to hurt him. I have to admit, I love the glowing reviews. And you know, hurting Tony means that he has to be nursed and cared for, which people like, including me."

"But it's the hurting part," Tony was starting to sound desperate.

"Well, there is the story where you get killed, then come back as a beautiful woman and find out how it feels to be ogled. I'm dying to use the line 'My eyes are up here, Probie.'"

"Killed?" Tony's complexion was turning greenish. Abby put her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

"Not really, Tony. I'd never kill you off. How about I write a story with Kate and Ziva fighting over you?"

"Wait a minute," Kate objected, "I'd never fight over Tony. He's like a brother. An annoying, sexist, juvenile..."

"Will you stop putting him down?" Ziva said angrily.

"You're doing it again!" complained Kate. "You're making me sound like a snob and an uptight bitch."

"Sorry."

"Maybe you should go back and think about this," suggested Gibbs. "Read some old news articles, get some ideas."

"Good idea. I thought I saw a story about a guy who got hit by a car and was stuck in the windshield and the driver drove off with the guy still stuck..."

Tony moaned and held Abby tighter.