Untold Stories Vol. 1: The Adventures of Cat Man and FlameBoyant

Author's Note: This is the first of many crackulated tales that were locked away from FMA fans, but alas! I have dug them up and will be revealing their bubbly goodness one by one! Also I don't own any of these characters or FMA or anything for that matter…

Introduction

Narrator: One is half cat and half boy. With the ability to--

Ed: It says MAN! Not BOY! I am Cat Man!

It says MAN! Not BOY! I am Cat

Narrator: Okay okay… (clears throat) One is half cat and half b--Man. With the ability to leap over large litter boxes and launch multi-colored yarn balls at an incredible speed. The other can light a--

Okay okay… () One is half cat and half b--Man. With the ability to leap over large litter boxes and launch multi-colored yarn balls at an incredible speed. The other can light a--

Roy: What the hell kind of name is FlameBoyant! I'm more of a man than that shrimp. (A few stagehands hold back a furious Ed.) And why do I have to be the sidekick; the sidekick isn't supposed to be taller, bigger and better looking than the main hero. (The entire crew pulls the foaming Edward to the ground). And doesn't the name sound a little--

What the hell kind of name is Flameant! more of a man than that shrimp. (why do I have to be the sidekick; the sidekick isn't supposed to be taller, bigger and better looking than the main hero. (doesn't the name sound a little--

Narrator: AAAAH! Will you SHUT UP! I say your name is FlameBoyant and so you are FlameBoyant! Don't like it then no pay check! Got it! (Roy winces at the threat and sit back in his chair.) Yeah that's more like it. Ahem.(clears throat again). One is half cat and half Man. With the ability to leap over large litter boxes and launch multi-colored yarn balls at an incredible speed. The other can light a tall stack of paperwork in a snap. Apart from each other one might think these were some weirdoes dressed in leotards--

AAAAH! Will you SHUT UP! I say your name is FlameBoyant and so you are FlameBoyant! Don't like it then no pay check! Got it! (.) Yeah that's more like it. Ahem.(). One is half cat and half Man. With the ability to leap over large litter boxes and launch multi-colored yarn balls at an incredible speed. The other can light a tall stack of paperwork in a snap. Apart from each other one might think these were some weirdoes dressed in leotards--

Roy and Ed: Leotards!

Narrator: (Gives the two alchemists the Glare of Doom. They both cower.)… Apart from each other one might think these were some weirdoes dressed in leotards, but together… Together they are known as the Dare Deviling Duo, the Catalytically Caffeinated Couple, the Precariously Paranoid Pair, Stupid and More Stupider or a little less common than the former… Cat Man and FlameBoyant!

(Apart from each other one might think these were some weirdoes dressed in leotards, but together… Together they are known as the Dare Deviling Duo, the Catalytically Caffeinated Couple, the Precariously Paranoid Pair, Stupid and More Stupider or a little less common than the former… Cat Man and FlameBoyant!

Mission I: Breaching Headquarters

The mild mannered Edward Elric steps out of the second story bathroom. He wipes his pawed feet on the rug near the door. Wouldn't want to track Tidy Cats all around the house. He nods at his thoughtfulness.

"Time for a wee little snack." And so our young heroine-- uh hero, skips down the carpeted stairs and heads toward the kitchen. Edward stops near the entrance. I… feel… there… is… some… thing… terribly… wrong… Some… one… has… dis… rupted… the… peace… (For all you Star Trek fans). Ed thought to himself as he looked into the corner of the kitchen and saw the beast. He was in a tight white shirt displaying a barbaric chest with blue plaid boxers and long socks. Upon the creatures face it bore an unshaven chin and tousle black hair. Edward grimaced at horrible sight (as every fan girl melts in her FMA pajamas). But Ed's expression quickly turned to rage as he realized what the intruder held in his hand. A small pack of multicolored goldfish.

"You- you sneak thief!" Edward yelled. "Those are my num nums. MINE!" he leapt at his opponent, who nonchalantly stepped to the side letting the smaller fly into some cabinets

"Settle down kiddo, I didn't even eat any." Said the thief, who by the way his name is Roy, yes the Roy Mustang.

"Yeah you better not or a furry death will reek havoc on your giddy butt from dawn 'til dusk." Edward threatened as Roy tossed the bag to him. Ed caught it with an over dramatic leap. Once his snack was secure in his hands he glared up at Mustang. "Tricksy little 'obbitses." He mumbled.

"What was that?" Mustang asked as he searched through the cupboards for an authorized snack.

"Uh- nothing." Edward said as he popped a few into his mouth. "Mmm... mycolorful bite sized munchkins." He whispered to a green one and placed it in his pocket for reasons unknown.

"You're a bite sized munchkin…" Roy chuckled to himself.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' SO SMALL THAT THEY CAN PERFORM SHAMU TRICKS ON THE BACK OF PEPPERIDGE FARM'S DELICIOUS LITTLE GOLDFISH SNACK CRACKERS!" Ed bared his cheesy canines at Mustang.

"Hmm… I liked that one, a bit over done at the end though. Anyway, we don't have any food and no food means no energy no energy means no fighting bad guys and no fighting bad guys means no pay." Roy looked over at Edward who had a confused expression. "Means no more goldfish snacks."

"Oh Noooo!" Ed threw his hands up in despair. "We must head to the nearest food purchasing facility immediately." He carefully closed his cracker bag and searched for a place to hide it. Locating the fridge he approached it and glanced back at Roy.

"I'm not looking." Mustang said as he turned around.

Edward stood on his tippy toes and still couldn't quite reach the top. Jumping didn't help either. After two minutes and thirty eight seconds of trying to throw them up there, Mustang grabbed the bag, reached over him and placed them on the top of the fridge.

"Don't say a word…" Edward growled.

Mustang just looked at him with his devilish grin and left the kitchen.

After getting dressed the two headed out of their lair and into the mortal world.

"Alright jeevesy take me to the supermarket." Edward demanded as they drove their sleek jalopy out from the Cat Hanger.

"Don't you even start." Mustang barked as he gripped the steering wheel.

"Well, I'm the main hero and you're the sidekick. So if I say do the flamenco, you do it with all your Hispanic pride." Ed nodded in self-agreement.

"I am not Hispanic, so stop saying that!" Mustang put the vehicle in park and as Edward tried to get out he kicked him onto the pavement. Opening his own door he ran towards the market.

"Hey! Don't you run from me!" Ed chased Mustang into the market.

"Shhh! You idiot. We're incognito now so stop being so loud." Roy said as they entered. Since Edward was half cat he had to wear a long coat to hid his tail, gloves, boots for his paws and a hood to cover his ears. Mustang wore regular street clothes.

"Well, your still going to pay."

And so Edward decided that Roy needed to go on a diet and bought him some frozen Brussels sprouts and low fat lime juice. "If you're good for the rest of the trip I'll buy you some of that new Wipe Away toilet paper." Edward said as he lifted the package of fluffy white rolls. "Look, it even says "If you can't exercise the fat away, now you can wipe it away! A low cholesterol food…"

At that very moment Mustang focused every inch of his will into summoning the winged monkeys he had always fantasized on owning and order them to throw large fecals at Edward, but he was disappointed when they didn't show up.

After another ten minutes of torture ( for Mustang), the two left market with thirty three large bags of goldfish, Tidy Cats, yarn, a toy mouse, cat nip, a sock, Fancy feast and a half bag for Mustang. As they stuffed the car a young lady approached them.

"Excuse me sir, your little daughter dropped this-" Edward's eye twitched as she hands Roy a small package of gum.
"Thanks miss." Mustang looked at the pack of gum and read the title aloud. "Mighty Breath, 'If you've got death breath, then search no more… Smell the difference within three to four weeks…"

"Give me that!" Ed snatched the gum and entered the passenger side.

"Now that's no way to treat daddy." Roy chuckles as they sped home, you never now when duty might call and so they needed to get back a.s.a.p. Mustang pulled to the side curb as they reached their secret lair. Well, it was actually in the middle of town on a street corner , but the secret was that nobody knew that.

Edward hopped out of the jalopy and headed to the door. "You've got the bags right? Of course you do…" He dug in his pocket for the keys, but he only found that green goldfish all crumbly and stuff. "Hey Mustang! Throw me the keys!" Ed yelled.

"I don't have them."

"There not with the car keys?" Edward asked.

"No." Mustang replies as he hauls over the mountain of bags.

"Well, why not?"

"Because ,your highness, you said, several weeks back that you should have the keys and that since you can't drive they must be separated."

"You took me serious! I was on catnip man… what a brilliant sidekick I've got." Edward said as he rubbed his chin, thinking of a plan.

Mustang set the groceries down and approached the door. He raised a hand and knocked against it lightly. "Hello?… If you can hear me Jeffery open the door…" He waited, no answer.

"Who the heck is Jeffery?" Edward said.

"My fish." Mustang replied.

"Oh yeah…" Ed looked around all shifty eyed. "Hm… let me try something." Roy moved away from the door as Ed cracked his neck and stepped up to the door frame. Suddenly, he did a back flip, cartwheel, two front flips, tripped, tied his shoe, a high kick, side flipp, tumbled, the walking man and meowed. The door didn't budge.

"Jeeze, this door is stubborn." Mustang said. "I think I have something that might work." He brought both his hands together at his side. "Kame-ha-me-haa!" He screamed.

Ed had no comment. "Oh this is hopeless… If only Gandalf were here…"

The two sat down on the curb. Edward busted out a bag of goldfish and chomped away. Mustang took out a pack of Brussels sprouts and stared at them.

"These guys are good for any occasion!" Ed took out a yellow and red fish. "Hey Finn where are we going today? Hm, lets venture into the Cave of Wonders. Ok." He tossed the mini cheese crackers into his mouth and smile at his sidekick.

If you'd like to know what Roy was thinking at this time please switch to any random episode of Simpsons where Homer is strangling Bart and insert Roy and Edward's face on the corresponding bodies.

Mustang had had enough of his partner's shenanigans, so he slapped the bag from Ed's hands, spilling a rainbow of fish everywhere.

"You fiend!" Edward cried as he tried to gather his little buddies while Roy was laughing manically in the background. Some crackers had landed all the way to the door step. As Ed reached the last he had an epiphany. "Hey Mustang, remember how I had the locks changed to fit a goldfish shaped key? What if…?" Edward picked up a purple fish, placed it in the keyhole and turned. The door swung open. "Yes! I am a genius!" Ed danced as Mustang took the groceries into their lair.

Roy set the stuff on the floor in the kitchen since it wouldn't fit on the counters. He walked over to the living room to check for any messages left on their machine when he saw a horrible sight. His little fish bowl was empty! "Edward!" he yelled.

Ed entered the room. "Yeah?"

Mustang turned around with a gleam of murder in his eyes. "Where's Jeffery?"

"Well, you see, I was and then, just listen! He said, so I, shut up and listen!… uh" Edward backed away as Mustang slowly approached him, a glove had suddenly appeared on his right hand. "I am going to--

The phone rang. Edward dashed for it and answered. "Yes… uh huh… alrighty… gotcha we'll be there!" He hung the phone up. "Cat Man and FlamBoyant are called into action once again!"

Author's Note: I know there wasn't any real action, this was just set up chapter so everyone can see how they run things. Blah.