Here it is, finally! A Mary Sue parody starring all the common (and one or two uncommon) types of Sues found in Legend of Zelda fandom! Ladies and gentlemen, Suethors and Sueslayers of all ages, I give you...
SUEvivor: Hyrule Edition!
Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda or the Mary Sue concepts used in this story. I also do not own the concept of SUEvivor, which I am using (with permission) from Jade Snape-Holloway, who has written a total of, I believe, five seasons of SUEvivor. Combined with the other two SUEvivors written by fans like myself, this is the eighth season of SUEvivor.
And now, without further ado, the contestants! Meet...
Alia Dragmire, the Ganondorf'sDaughter!Sue: She was sent by Ganondorf to kill Link, but instead she fell in love with him and revealed her ZOMGDeepDarkSecret (TM) to him! She is also THE most powerful dark sorceress on the face of the earth, and can speak five types of monster.
Arianna Eclypse, the Link'sBestFriend!Sue: She grew up with Link in Kokori Forest/Outset Island/Ordon Village and accompanies him on his adventure. On the way she and Link discover that they love each other, and she discovers that she has amazing magical powers.
Camber Sunshine, the Pirate!Sue: She is a pirate on Tetra's ship who meets Link at the beginning of his adventure in Wind Waker and thinks that there's "something different" about him. Then later in the story, she quits being a pirate to help Link on his journey and they slowly yet surely- a phrase that, to a Suethor, means "within a couple of days (or hours)"- they realize that they love each other!!1111!!
Jaza Din, the Ganondorf'sGirlfriend!Sue (or the Naboroou!Sue): She is a Gerudo who Ganondorf is in love with, but they can't be together for reasons that are never really explained, aside from the fact that they make the story seem like it has a plot. Her name is just a mess of letters that the author thought sounded "Gerudo-ish." She is basically Naboroou suffering from Canonrape.
Jezebel Hyrule, the Zelda'sSister!Sue: She was separated at birth from her sister, Zelda, and was raised by parents who beat her until she ran away from them. Then she lived on the streets of Hyrule Castle Town until Link found her! Then it was revealed that she was actually Zelda's infinitely more powerful and attractive sister! (ZOMG!!1111!!) She then saved Link's life and he fell in love with her as Zelda faded into obscurity (or died, depending on how much the author hates Zelda).
Jonnifer Mychaganne, the IFellIntoZelda!Sue: She was a total fan of Zelda who had beaten each of the games, like, five times! Then one day, she found herself in the world of Hyrule and helps Link on his adventure (and of course, gets together with him, that goes without saying). She has her Ipod (which never seems to need charging) with her, so her story is transformed into one big songfic. Why? The readers don't know, and they sure as heck don't care!
Kaysea Triforce, the Shiekah!Sue: She is an incredibly weak and pathetic Shiekah who is ignored by her parents and picked on by her brothers. But she finds solace in her friend Shadow Link. Then, one day, she discovers that she is actually pretty darn awesome, and Shadow discovers that he loves her! (and the readers discover that they were wrong when they thought it couldn't get any worse)
Lazani Moonshade, the Twili!Sue: She is Link and Midna's child who traveled back in time to warn her parents about some form of upcoming DOOM! She is witty and sarcastic, and also can kick butt with some kind of magic that is never explained. Since she is Link's kid, she is usually paired with either Shad, or some incredibly hot male OC that the author made up for just that purpose. Like Jaza, her name is a jumble of letters that is supposed to sound "Twili-ish"
Leena Farore, the Link'sSister!Sue: She is Link's immensely more attractive twin sister, who has a bad habit of throwing Deku nuts at him. She is about 100000 times more magical and awesome than him, and is usually paired with some random male OC (occasionally a Ganondorf'sSon!Stu). Oh, and she's actually a goddess.
and Swyn Song, the AuthorInsert!Sue: She is the author "subtly" inserted into Legend of Zelda. Her only purpose is to make the author look good and get Link to fall in love with her. Her name is a "clever" abbreviation of the author's.
And your host: give it up for the one, the only, STAR WARS NUT!!
Star Wars nut walked onto the stage where the Sues were standing and said, "Thank you. Now, Sues, are you ready for your first challenge?" There were general cries of, "Yeah!" "Okay," and "Sure, I guess," from the Sues, and the host replied, "Well too bad! Because first I have to transport you to the place you all will be staying. Ladies, welcome to Camp Sue!"
At that point, Star Wars nut, using her incredible host powers, teleported all of the Sues to the Sacred Grove from Twilight Princess. There was a small mound of unmade tents near where all the Sues were standing.
"You have got to be kidding me!" pouted Jezebel, her blue eyes sparkling and her blond hair, which was so much prettier than Zelda's, flowing as she turned up her face in disgust, "I am not sleeping on dirt! This is so unfair! Didn't the Harry Potter and Eragon Sues get to sleep in a castle?"
"Yes," said Swyn, her dazzling hazel eyes staring off into space, as if she was thinking of something else, "but the Pirates of the Caribbean Sues ended up staying on a shipwreck."
"Well, we're much better than they were," retorted Jezebel, "I think we deserve a proper place to stay!"
"Argh," said Camber, "Yer soundin' kinda spoiled, if you ask me, Princess. Epically for someon' who lived on the streets most of her life. Just sayin',"
"What are you implying?" asked Jezebel, her eyes turning a threatening shade of red, "Do you want me to get my sister to fire you?"
"I thought you were, like, OoT Zelda's sister, not, like, WW's," said Jonnifer, turning down the volume on her Ipod so she could hear the conversation.
"It don't matter," said Camber, messing with her spring green hair, "I left Tetra's ship to be with my Linky-poo." Lazani sniggered, "Linky-poo?" causing Camber to glare at her and growl, "Shut up or you'll be walkin' the plank."
"What plank?" asked Lazani. Camber was about to retort, when Leena asked, "Hey, did anyone see if Star Wars nut came with us?" Arianna looked around, her deep violet eyes scanning the clearing, the answered, "I don't see her." Then Star Wars nut appeared out of nowhere behind Arianna and asked, "You don't see who?" All of the Sues jumped, except Kaysea, who was too busy sulking in the shadows because she was a Dark!Sue, and Alia, who, being an Evil!Sue, doesn't get surprised that easily. Star Wars nut laughed, then asked, "Have you set up camp yet?" The Sues looked at Star Wars nut like this: 00. The host sighed and said, "Okay, here's the deal: each of you grab a tent and go set it up. You can put it anywhere in the Sacred Grove, but you can't go outside it. Understand?" She waited two seconds then said, "Good! I'll meet you here in a couple of hours. See you!"
Commercial break
Jaza Cam
Jaza is in the area in the Sacred Grove that has those two torches. She sets her tent down, unmade, and stares at it as if she thinks something will happen. Nothing happens. She tries to set up the tent herself, but ends up getting tangled in the ropes. Finally, she sits on a rock and starts crying, and cute little forest animals appear out of nowhere and set the tent up for her.
Jezebel Cam
Jezebel simply uses magic to set up her tent, but then she realizes that it's full of holes. She quickly moves it under a tree, grumbling all the way.
Camber Cam
Camber decides to just ditch the tent and sleep under the stars. Then she realizes that it's 4 in the afternoon and the stars aren't even out yet.
Swyn Cam
Swyn has been camping before, so she sort of knows how to pitch a tent. Unfortunately, she can't seem to keep it up. As she is struggling, she wonders why she's being written in present tense.
Several hours later...
After the Sues had (with varying degrees of success) set up their individual camps, they all met in the main clearing. Star Wars nut appeared, smiling and said, "Aren't you all having fun?" The Sues answers were all along the line that they were most certainly not having fun, and Star Wars nut shrugged and said, "Well then, it's a good thing that it's time for your first challenge!" Some of the Sues cheered. Some groaned. And all of them were transported to a room with a stage with ten chairs. The Sues sat down in the chairs, while Star Wars nut sat down on a chair in front of the stage and got out a large machine that looked like a laptop computer.
"Your first challenge," said Star Wars nut, "Is a SUEvivor classic. I am going to..."
"You're going to ask us all questions that we must answer as Sueishly as possible," interrupted Swyn, "Once we've each answered a question, that machine will rate us on how Sueish our answer was on a scale of 1 to 10. Isn't that it?" Star Wars nut scowled and said, "Yes, Swyn, that's it. Any questions?" after a half-second, Star Wars nut said, "Good. Let's begin. Camber..." The Pirate!Sue tensed.
"You're usually placed on Tetra's ship. What precisely do you do there?"
"Well," said Camber, "Since my author usually don't know anything about pirates besides what she's seen in movies, all I really do is flirt with Link and make Tetra jealous." The machine read 8.
"Not bad," said Star Wars nut, "Leena, you're a Link'sSister!Sue. Which Link do you prefer to be a sister of?"
"Well," said Leena, "there's no remotely hot guys in OoT, and sailing is boring, so I'd have to say Twilight Princess." The machine read 7.
"Jaza, how are you not Naboroou?"
"For one thing," said Jaza, "I'm much prettier and nicer than that (censored). Also, my name is much easier to pronounce!" The machine beeped out "weak argument" than read 5.
"This is not my day!" whined Jaza.
"You got that right," responded Star Wars nut before continuing, "Jezebel, although you're Zelda's sister, you're known to be much better than her. How?"
Jezebel laughed, "How am I not? I look better, do more stuff, and am way more powerful! She's just a Sage; I'm an angel/goddess. Also, I can fly and since Zelda always dies in the fics I'm in, I end up with Link." The machine whistled and read 9.5. Star Wars nut whistled and said, "Now that's gonna be hard to beat! Anyway, Jonnifer, how did you fall into Legend of Zelda?"
"Well," said Jonnifer, "Like, my house had burned down and I was the only survivor, so I, like, cried myself to sleep on the ashes of my room and when I woke up, like OMG, I was in Legend of Zelda!" The machine read 7.
"Alright then," said Star Wars nut, "Swyn, you're an AuthorInsert!Sue."
"Yes, I think I know that," said Swyn. Star Wars nut scowled and said, "I know that you know, I was just reminding the viewing audience. Anyway, how are you usually inserted?"
"Well, usually I'm just a friend of Link's from wherever his home is who saves his life and goes on his adventure with him. Sometimes I'll be an innocent villager who'll get saved from monsters by him, and I'll stay with him for his adventure. Y'know, stuff like that." The machine read 8.
"Right," said Star Wars nut, "That's Jezebel in the lead, with four Sues to go. Lazani, what comes to mind when I say corn, a lamp, and duct tape sneakers?"
"How I saved Hyrule!" The machine beeped, "What?" and read 6. Star Wars nut stared at Lazani for a second, then said, "Okaaay. So, Kaysea, you're the only Sue here who's paired with Shadow Link. How does that happen, usually?"
"Since I'm a pathetic Shiekah who can't do much, he takes pity on me and becomes my friend. Then I save his life with previously undiscovered skills and we both realize that we loved each other all along," Kaysea answered. The machine read 8.5.
"Now, Alia," said Star Wars nut, "although you're a Ganondorf'sDaughter!Sue, you're usually paired with Link. How and why does that happen?"
"The why is simple," said Alia, "It's cute and it gives me a reason to angst. The how is usually either I'm sent to spy on Link and fall in love with him, or I'm his childhood friend who doesn't know that he's my father's mortal enemy until it's revealed in an incredibly dramatic fashion. Or..."
"I think we've heard enough," said Star Wars nut. The machine beeped agreement than read 9. Star Wars nut's eyebrows rose and she said, "That was good! Okay, final question: Arianna." Arianna looked around nervously.
"Since you're Link's best friend, you must know a lot about him. What..." Arianna looked relaxed. In her mind, this was going to be easy.
"Is his favorite color?" All the Sues gasped and Arianna said, "What? You're kidding me! All the other Sues got easy questions! Why do you have to give me the hard question?" Star Wars nut sighed and said, "Just answer the question!"
"Umm... green?" The machine read 7. Star Wars nut shrugged and said, "I guess it took off points for your whining. Anyway, the winner of immunity for this challenge is..."
COMMERCIAL
"Jezebel!" Jezebel freaked out and said, "ZOMG!!1111!! I didn't see this coming even though I heard all the scores!" Star Wars nut said, "Right! Jezebel, since you won, you get to wear the Tiara of Immunity and no one can vote for you this round!" She then pulled a dollar store-quality tiara out of her pocket and threw it to Jezebel, who put it on.
"Now," said Star Wars nut dramatically, "comes the fun part. Each of you will be given a pencil and a sheet of paper. Write the name of the Sue you want voted off and put it in the imitation Link hat hanging on the wall. Now, it's time to vote off one Sue on... SUEvivor!"
REEEEEEALLY LONG COMMERCIAL
"Well," said Star Wars nut, "Now that you have all voted, it's time for the dramatic Reading of the Votes! Camber... Jaza... Camber... Camber... Alia... Lazani... Lazani... Kaysea... and... Camber! I'm sorry Camber, but you are the first Sue to leave SUEvivor: Hyrule Edition.
Camber burst out crying, and Star Wars nut said, "Here's your consolation prize: a pair of socks! Now get out of here." Camber instantly vanished.
Next Time, on SUEvivor: Hyrule edition...
"You're kidding me!"
"Umm, this is a spork."
"I'm gonna dieeeee!"
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