The First
It's late and it has been a quiet, awkward kind of evening filled with stolen glances from shy eyes all the more curious, and stuttering words quietly and gauchely spoken upon soft lips that never quite rise above the noise level in the bar to be heard and appreciated properly, and Guppy's hoping he doesn't look as much of a fool as he feels . They went out for a drink, only none of them actually drank but rather sipped on their water and orange juice precariously as the older man - their boss - dribbled on about management and rules and do they agree? Guppy's starting to think he was only asked so he could be Nathan's bobble-head (yes, I most definitely agree) and was Alice invited because Nathan knew Guppy suspected he was gay?
But that's over now and Guppy's walking this creature, this wonderful, quiet creature home because Nathan isn't going their way and he had to be up bright and early for board meetings. The stroll to Alice's castle is long and silent but Guppy is breathing in every movement, every sharp intake of breath she takes as she tries to start up chitchat but retreating back into that comfortable shell before any real words beside garbled noises actually escape that pretty mouth.
Alice comes to a stop, looks back towards her home and then nervously glances up at Guppy and laughs because she doesn't know what else to do in these situations - not like Guppy knows either, but she doesn't know that. Guppy's knees turn weak, as if he's trying to balance on stilts while the butterflies stir up a hurricane deep inside of his gut ready to throw him off balance. He smiles, nervous and awkward again and he berates himself because he should know what to do but his mind is in a blind state of panic because all this intelligent, book-smart brain can think about is Alice's laugh; gentle and quiet, just like her.
He leans in, body functioning while his brain is on hiatus and Alice is staring at him, wide eyed, and there isn't a smile like there was earlier and oh no, is he making a mistake? Is this not right?
He pulls back suddenly, deciding the better of it and extends his hand.
The first time Guppy almost kisses Alice.
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The Second
Death fills his lungs; black soot and poisonous gas working its way through his tiring body. Charcoal remains of the debauched house of sin fill his eyes and there's no escaping this. This is his end, his absolute and all he shall take with him to meet his maker is his slow decay of despondence, and of course, his virginity. That damn virginity that he just couldn't lose, couldn't be rid of no matter how many times he dreamt about it, he'd wake up and there it was, mocking him for thinking a wet dream could shift such humiliation.
Groans. Groans coming from the other side of the grey and black burnt ruins and his heart leaps into his throat as the thump, thump, thump, thump of his quickening pulse hangs heavy inside of head. He aids the sickly man; a man of sin and desperation that Guppy just can't quite let himself stoop to, and he wants to ask, wants to pry but his tongue is twisted and his mind is racing with one thought (Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice). It feels like the end. No one is coming to rescue them, and just as Guppy is forcing himself to accept such a possible fate, he's free and breathing in clean air, bathing in the absence of any sunshine but grey clouds.
His return to the department is heroic and nothing short of fame; a crowd gathering around him as colleagues welcome him back in hugs and compliments and Guppy laps it up because who knows when something like this will happen again? And for a change, Guppy is worshipped, a newly discovered deity buried beneath black filth, dust and dirt, fooling his cowardice into bravado.
He sees her, across the waiting room, standing at her reception desk watching over the circus with weary eyes and a sad smile upon her lips. Guppy separates himself from the savage pack and walks towards the desk. With each step taking him closer and closer, the shakier his legs became and Guppy could just see it now: his legs collapsing beneath his body, the savage pack rushing over to help and aid their new hero, diagnosing nothing and suggesting nonexistent symptoms only to discover he'd simply collapsed under the pressure of one question. He leans against the desk for support, trying to remain as nonchalant as possible as he asks her out. That sad smile breaks free into a wide grin, her eyes lighting up and everything about her is screaming joy and happiness and Guppy smiles.
He thumps his fist off the desk gently, smiling and not quite sure what's supposed to happen next. Is he supposed to shake her hand? Smile and leave? Remain standing there for a little while longer? He leans over the desk a little, thinking maybe this is the opportune moment to place a kiss upon her cheek. And she looks up at him, a little bit startled and Guppy pulls away immediately.
The second time Guppy almost kisses Alice.
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The Third
He's late, and Alice thinks that he's changed his mind so she begins to undress when he shows up on the doorstep, breathless from racing across town he explains, clothes ruffled, hair a mess and his tie askew. But Guppy's heart sinks deep into his stomach when she speaks with a voice filled with such dejection at the possibility of being stood-up.
He takes her to the movies - figures this way they'll have something to discuss over dinner should their crippling shyness hold them back on other topics of discussion. But he notices she spends the first thirty-seven minutes of the movie hiding her face from the screen against his arm, shielding her innocent eyes from the blood and gore. He asks 'do you want to get some air' and her response is lightning speed as she stands up and begins to fight her way to freedom, climbing over hurdles of legs and Guppy follows, carrying her jacket.
They're too early for dinner so they sit at the bar, waiting. Waiting in the silence that Guppy has been dreading all day; the awkward silence of two people uncomfortable alone together, and he struggles to find something - anything - to say.
'Would you like a drunk?' Guppy stutters, hand flailing to the row of drinks behind them. 'Drink. Would you like a drink,' he corrects and she giggles and nods.
Four drinks in, awkward tongues a bit looser and barriers broken down and they're only making small talk. Guppy feels like pulling on his hair because this shouldn't be so difficult. Words should just flow easily from his well-educated brain, words to put her at ease; jokes to make her smile and forgive him for his plight of stupidity; anecdotes to win her over. Instead, Guppy's in the middle of discussing the case of cysts he had treated earlier this morning when his overenthusiastic hand gestures topples her drink off the bar and into her lap.
Her dress is ruined and Guppy's shoulders slump in defeat when she suggests maybe cutting the evening short. They stand outside of the restaurant waiting for a taxi. It's raining and Guppy supposes its only right that it'll rain; the cherry topping on top of the big failure cake. As they wait for a taxi, once again in the silence that is no longer awkward but becoming more of a familiar acquaintance, Guppy's working his mind on analysing every little (big) fuck-up. Trying to recapture her expression when he showed up on her doorstep exceptionally late; trying to remember her tone of voice when he revealed the movie tickets to her; trying to recapture her mood when he wasted away their evening, fucking up his only chance to impress and prove to her that he is right for her.
The black box with a yellow beacon rolls up in front of them and Alice turns to Guppy, an unreadable expression upon her face and Guppy is terrified of what she will say. His heartbeat is racing (a mile a minute of sheer panic pounding beneath his skin) and he knows he should walk her to the cab but his feet are to heavy for him to lift. She remains silent, disappointed eyes gazing up at him and Guppy is ready to crumble at her feet, so he leans down hoping maybe this could make up for the wasted evening that could have been better used staying at home.
'Goodnight, Guppy.' Alice whispers and leaves.
The third time Guppy almost kisses Alice.
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The Fourth
Everyone's avoiding the staff room like the plague and curious eyes get the better of him, so Guppy peers in through the partially open blinds to discover Alice cowering in the corner of the sofa, distraught cries racking her body. His mind is screaming at him to finally do the right thing and go in there, comfort her and let her know she's not alone but his body is terrified to the bones and he can't make himself move. There's a heavy weight inside of him, anchoring him down and rooting his feet to the ground, and Guppy is appalled at the little bit of relief floating up inside him because he doesn't know how to comfort, really.
'Go in there, will yer Guppy?' Kelsey asks from behind him. He tries to say no, explain he was just looking but to his bewilderment his feet are shuffling to the door and his hand is resting on the cold, silver handle. His mind is screaming at him to turn away and run because this can only end in disaster, but his movements power on and he finds himself opening the door and stepping inside.
'Guppy,' Alice says, startled and she tries to clean herself up.
Guppy is awkward; he claps his hands lightly and then interlocks them behind his back to try and hide the terrible shaking, and a nervous but brief smile breaks free as he tries to reassure her (him) that this won't be challenging at all.
'What happened?' he asks finally and watches, mortified, at how such a simple and easy question broke free the floodgates. Tears are pouring from her eyes, streaming down her face; her shoulders shake and she buries her face in her hands, aching lungs gasping for breath that will not come.
Guppy tentatively walks over and sits down beside her, his arms hesitating before creeping around her shoulders and welcoming her into a warm embrace that is hopefully comforting and not as empty as it feels to him. She turns into him, switching from crying on to the back of the sofa and in to his shoulder, and Guppy rubs her shoulder in an effort to soothe her pain away.
'He's gone,' she sobs hysterically and Guppy's perplexed by whom he is until a quiet, choked 'Sam. He's gone.' is whispered.
Guppy remains silent because he doesn't know what to say (he knows what he wants to say really, but he could hardly tell her 'great, now that he's out of the way maybe we'll still have a chance.') so he continues the small, slow circles on her back to try and help her breathe calmly.
'I can't believe he left. I bared my heart for him, told him how I feel and that I lo-, that I love him and he still left!' Alice hiccups and Guppy is stung by Alice's confession, and he can feel the pulse beneath his skin begin to race at the realisation that she has moved on.
Panic sets in and he turns to her face her, trembling hands lifting her head so he can see her pretty face stained with the tears of a broken heart. He's got to win her back, let her know that he still cares and that he's still here for her, but her confused stare has hot pin points surfacing the back of his neck and shoulders and he's starting to have second thoughts.
He closes his eyes, hoping that if he blocks out her gaze then maybe this might be a bit more easier, but he can still feel that uncomfortable heat spreading like wildfire to his cheeks as he leans in to her.
'Guppy. . . No.' she says and leaves, and Guppy still has his eyes closed hoping in vain that maybe if he keeps his eyes closed for long enough, this never happened.
The fourth time Guppy almost kisses Alice.
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The Fifth
He's quietly clearing out his locker, packing away his belongings (what little of them there is) and thinking to himself that this is the right thing to do, this is what's best for him.
He's failed, something that he has become very much familiar with since his arrival at Holby City Hospital, and there's now nothing left for him to stay for - to want to stay for. His last hope, the great Harry Harper, who could have saved his soul from the corruption, from the black nothingness that swells inside of his chest each and every morning (that is, until he takes his little, white pick-me-ups) refused to return and thus unwittingly left Guppy alone in all of this.
But he saved a child's life today; instincts kicking in and he's running on adrenaline to save such a precious and young life. And he knows he did well, but he doesn't feel it and that emptiness, that void in the pit of his gut is the heavy realisation that he'll never find happiness in Holby - not any more. Any chance of that will forever be smothered by that black nothingness eating away at him; the crushing disappointments and body counts weighing him down and denying him a moment of bliss.
He looks around the staff room one final time, taking it all in; the memories both good and bad (many bad and humiliating) and that's when he sees her, hovering in the threshold of the doorway, watching him.
'You weren't going to tell me,' is all she says with a quivering voice that is both harsh and sad. Her eyes shine brightly with tears working its way to break dam and Guppy doesn't think he can watch her cry - cry over him.
'I thought it would be best,' he replies, voice barely above a whisper and he casts his eyes down to the ground and thinks how this will now be another bad and humiliating memory to add to the list.
They're silent for a while and the sounds of the outside world fills the awkward silence; people bustling about, patients chatting to pass the long wait, noisy machines supporting a life. Guppy wants to make a move for the door, have this end as quickly and painless as possible but he's afraid that any movement he makes might make this worse, and so he waits. She shocks him out of his thoughts when she begs him to stay, pleads that she can't go through this again and that he needs to stay for the team - for her. She knows things never quite took off with them and she's willing to give it another go if he just stays with her.
She stops begging mid-sentence, the sobs building up inside of her becoming too much to hold back and she lets them out, holds a shaking hand to her face. Guppy puts his small box on the table and steps in front of her. He dries her tears away with his thumb and rests his hands on either side of her face, and he smiles sadly at her. He swoops in and steals a quick kiss (soft and wonderful and everything he's dreamt about) and he can see his entire future with her in that one moment, and he starts to have doubts about leaving, that maybe she is best for him after all.
'Goodbye Alice,' Guppy finally says and leaves with his belongings.
The fifth time Guppy almost stays.