Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Harry Potter. *sad

It's been a while since I wrote Harry Potter's fanfiction and I dunno why Sirius Black and Remus Lupin always be my favorite couple. I don't clearly remember the vibe of old Hogwarts, so I might have mistakes regarding some classes or magic-related terms.

If you have found it, please don't hesitate to correct me! Tee hee…

If Only

By missteddy88

If only…

I heard people said those two words almost everyday. You said you disliked those words as it contained 'regret' in it. You said those were the words you avoid. You said those were the words you banned from your dictionary (if you did have one in your mischievous brain). You said rather than having future regrets, you would do whatever you could do now.

I couldn't help but smile. For me, those two words meant happiness. I said, without those two words I may not have met you. Your eyebrow showed a coiled expression. You opened up your mouth and then closed it again thrice. Perhaps you were wondering why I had begun this topic. At the same time, you also didn't want to sound stupid by pressing on this vague and weird conversation you had during breakfast.

You finally decided to let the mystery unsolved and moved your attention to a diner roll in your hand. You tore it into a bite-size and munched it ignorantly. I watched you devour your breakfast hungrily as usual, while the past ran like a flashback in my mind.

If only I had never met you before…

I watched The Hogwarts Express in awe. My parents had told me about the platforms, the train, the school which looked a like castle, the magic, everything! But experience it myself and listening the story were two different things. I watched other students of the same age as me ran passed by, almost bumped me if I did not avoid them. I looked at them and a hint of sad feeling crept in. I made a promise to myself that I won't befriend with anybody, considering my condition. It was better to be alone to begin with rather than having strong rejection from my best friend (if I were able to get one).

"Send my best regards to Professor Dumbledore," my father said while holding my mother's hand tightly.

I looked back and smiled, full with fresh excitement as every 11-year-old students in this platform did although I observed a tint of anxiety in my mother's pale face. "I will. And don't you worry, mom. I am going to be okay," Finger-crossed behind my back? Check!

My mother looked lost of words. At last, she could not find the words she looked for opened her arms widely. "Come here, sweetheart,"

I leaned and hugged her tightly, "Do you know that an average 11-year-old boy won't like it if you called him sweetheart, let alone hugged his mother?"

I could feel my mother chuckled softly and caress my light brown hair with full of love. "Take care, dear. And I do mean it,"

I nodded as a gesture that I understood the message that my mother tried to convey. After what felt quite long time for a hug, she finally released it, half-heartedly tried to let me go.

"Mom, I should probably get going. I must look for a secluded compartment,"

My parents nodded and waved me goodbye. I waved back before turning my back and walked to the farthest compartment of the train. What I forgot is, I was too absorbed in counting the train compartment, instead of looking on my front. As a result, my cart bumped a black wavy haired student of the same age as mine. He observed me carefully, of which I avoid his gaze trying not to leave a single impression on him to no avail.

"You…"

"Sorry! Good bye!" I quickly fastened my pace to the other side of where he was going.

Little did I know, I dropped my Charms for Beginners handbook, which I found out later he had picked it up. During my fifth year, the boy admitted that he looked in all compartment and skimmed through all the first-year students to give me back my book as soon as possible. He could not find me as I was in a secluded compartment and mingled in the first years' crowd, making myself invisible with the assistance of the black cloak uniform. He just knew my name when I was sorted by the Sorting Hat and turned up I enrolled into the same house as him.

When I have sat down, he greeted me and gave me his lady-killer smile, "Sirius Black! And… here is your book!"

If only you were not my best friend…

"Name three out of four plant ingredients to create Draught of Living Death potion and explain how to take care the plant,"

James Potter looked at me and unconsciously lost his grip on his quill, making a small size black ink-blot tinted his parchment. Sirius Black stopped eating his chocolate frog halfway. The lower half of his chocolate frog quivered to all direction, trying to get loose from his bite. Peter Pettigrew gasped upon listening my question. I was almost afraid his eyeball would jump out anytime soon.

"Are we talking about Potion? Or Herbology?" James was the one who recovered first.

"It seems to me this question is made of a combination of those two subjects. I do know that it needs asphodel root, wormwood, valerian roots, and sopophorous bean. However, I do not clearly remember how to take care of the plant," I shrugged while browsing through James' textbook of Herbology: Where to find magical plants and how to take care of it.

"Seriously? Professor Sprout gave that question in last year examination?" Sirius moved closer to me, took a peek from the last year examination questions we secretly got from bullying a weak second year senior.

I could feel his shoulder blade touched mine as he sat next to me. The younger version me would have moved an inch to avoid another human's touch. However, as Sirius kept on invading my personal space, I had overcome of what he called as haphephobia in Muggle world. And yes, he went all through the trouble to browse through all those Muggle books about phobia to give me this nickname.

"I am so doomed," Peter held his head with a distress look. I threw a quick pity look on him before continued browsing James' textbook.

As long as a goldfish' attention and concentration, Sirius put down the examination parchment on the table and looped his right hand to rest on my right shoulder casually. "Oh, I don't think it would be that bad, Peter. At least, this time you have Remus to study with you one week before the exam than cramming and pulling an all nighters with me and James,"

"Thank you Sirius for your compliment," James bowed like a stage performer.

"Lupin, tell me again why do you have to move forward your examination date?" Peter asked while copying my Transfiguration homework.

I froze for a moment while hoping the boy who sat so close to me would not realize my sudden change of my expression or my attitude or even my heartbeat. "Eh… errr," What lies did I tell them last week when they asked this question? Oh, right! "My distant Muggle relative is getting married on the examination day,"

I could feel Sirius watched me like a hippogriff. If anything I should be afraid of, it would be Sirius' pair light grey eyes. He always tried to look at me deeply, almost always right that I was hiding something from him. The first person to ask me, "Why are you always so anxious before the full-moon?" and "You never attend school around full-moon" was him. He was that observant and sharp. Not that James was not. But his whole-hearted attention went to Lily Evans and Severus Snape.

"Oh, hey, Lupin! I see you guys start studying early for final exam. Can I take it I won't need to listen to your adrenaline shouts the night before exam then?" Lily Evans walked by the fireplace where the four of us sat comfortably. She threw a confused look when she saw Sirius arm around me but shrugged it off quickly.

"Lily Evans," Sirius greeted Lily half-heartedly.

"Sirius Black," Lily nodded to him only to set her furious emotion control.

"Lily Evans," James squealed happily at the sight of the auburn color haired girl.

"Ehm… James Potter. If you will excuse me,…" Lily quickened her pace to her Girls' Dormitory before James had a chance to stand up.

James still tried to chase her though, causing him to hit his thigh with the wooden table. The table muttered, "Hey careful, dude!" which he ignored.

We watched James as he dismissed himself from our currently study (read: copying homeworks) group. Peter got himself absorbed in his DADA homework now that he looked like he was almost crying, as he felt tired copying my stack of done assignments.

Sirius released his hold on me and whispered in my ear, "I don't know what you get involved with, by trust me we are your best friend, Remus. We are here if you need us," And then he gave his usual lady-killer smile to me.

I gaze at him for moment before recovered my sanity again, "Thanks, Sirius" and returning his smile.

If only you had never learned that I was affected with lycanthrophy…

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" Sirius asked in a joking manner after OWL examination.

I laughed, "Loved it. Name five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question," We walked in a small steps thronging into the Entrance Hall front door, like we were craving for some sunlight.

"Do you think you managed to get all the signs?" James added mockingly. His face showed some unidentified, but obviously not a good one, concern.

"Think I did," I paused as if I was trying to recall what I wrote in my OWL, "One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name is Remus Lupin,"

We all laughed so hard. Best laugh we had during our OWL. It was only Wormtail who did not laugh at all. Instead, he looked troubled discussing it. When we have quieted down, he rambled on the topic again.

"I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes, and the tufted tail. But I couldn't think what else –" He spoke in gradually softer tone. He looked so anxious, possibly afraid if he could not pass his OWL.

Instead of reassuring Wormtail, Prongs snorted and said impatiently, "How thick are you, Wormtail? You run round with a werewolf once a month –"

I was shocked and my sympathetic system brought me to my cautious self. "Shh! Keep your voice down,"

We were lucky that we were out the school ground already, thus only a few souls, if none, had heard us. We strode off to the lawn near the lake and sat down without anybody needed to ask a question, "Where shall we sit?" as we all had familiarized the spot below the beech tree was our spot. I opened my Transfiguration book to study about the next OWL before Sirius muttered that he was bored.

James stopped his Snitch show to Peter after Sirius admonished him to put off his show. However, it turned worse. James and Sirius spotted Severus Snape and bullied him like ever.

I grabbed my book tightly. A thin frown line was made in between of my eyebrows. I was trying to concentrate but not a single sentence got into my brain. I was not sure whether it because of my PFS (pre-fullmoon syndrome) as Sirius and James called it; or whether it because I disliked it whenever my friends pulled a prank on Snape; or whether because I hate myself as I couldn't bring myself to stop my friends at the thought of losing them as friends.

Professor Dumbledore had made me a prefect (as per our hypothesis was) to control my friends' nasty behavior around the school. Apparently, making one of us a prefect had brought no changes. My condition had brought me nothing but trouble. Even though I no longer held back from any friendship 'request' extended to me, but I think I had developed a complex of securing my own safe zone.

Lily Evans stood up and tried to stop the bullying. She would have succeeded if Snape was to be grateful to her. But instead, he couldn't be honest to his feelings and mocked her. James continued his bullying before I finally clasped my book, stood up, and decided to go back to the Gryffindor House. Sirius watched me and asked me where I would go.

"To the dormitory, how about you?"

"Not going to watch a fun show first?" Sirius replied me.

"Ermm… Nah. Maybe next time," I stepped forward to the Entrance Hall, ignoring the other Marauders.

Not for a long time, Sirius joined me to the Entrance Hall, panting with all the breath he could take.

If only you never said you loved me…

"Say, It's the sixth Valentine's Day we are going to celebrate!" Sirius began a conversation happily on the night of February thirteenth.

I had snuggled onto my warm quilt, almost about to drowse off to my dreamland. "So, it will be like wait, lemme count, oh, the sixth Valentine's Day James failed at proposing to Lily Evans?"

"Shut up, you!" James threw a pillow. "I won't fail this year!"

"That was what we heard every year," Peter sang off-tune softly, as gullible as he was.

I couldn't help but snorted from below my quilt. I recalled all his five Valentine's Day. The first year, as an average teenager who liked a girl for the first time, he exploded her guava juice when she was about to drink it, making her bra exposed through her white shirt. Second Valentine's Day, he reflected on what I said of "How to impress Muggle girl" and copied Shakespeare's poem without even understanding it ("For I have sworn thee fair and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night"). Third year, he tried it the traditional way. He gathered some juniors to stand in the school lawns, chanting Lumos at the same time and created words. Unfortunately, Sirius played a prank on him. It was not "I Love You" but "I Loathe You". Fourth year, he went through the trouble to get the Rafflesia Arnoldi flower ("Hey! I think the name is very cool! Who would have thought it would be stinky?!") for her, which now cultivated in the Third Herbology Garden (Professor Sprout was so happy, as quoted "My best Valentine's Day ever, Potter!"). Fifth year, between desperation due to rejection and his intensified hatred through Severus Snape, he locomotor mortis Snape, made him half-naked. He wrote in pink/red color on Snape's back, "James Potter is a better guy than me!" and sent it to her during Owl Post in the morning. Lily Evans, as female prefect, deducted 100 points for that.

"Hey! Get back to the topic here! I just realized we never pulled a prank over Valentine's Day,"

I groaned. No, no prank, please, I muttered under my breath.

I could have swore I had deducted almost 200 points from Gryffindor this year due to the Marauder's (excluding me) attempt to randomly throwing whatever Charms, Potions, Transfiguration, DADA, and other magical ideas we have read electively in the library into some random students, mostly to Severus Snape or the other Slytherins. I was not aware of the number until I counted the points deducted from Marauders alone one silent night. Small fives to twenties deductions eventually piled up into nearly 200 points.

Additionally, Professor McGonagall had just recently deducted James and Sirius each for 100 points from the Gryffindor hourglass. And they also got extra time in Transfiguration and Charms class to do whatever Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick asked them to do. This time around Peter got extra assignment in DADA, his worst nemesis, and 50 points were deducted from him. They did deserve the detention, I should say. James and Sirius secretly charmed the food prepared for Slytherins with food poisons while Peter's role was to create a fake havoc in the kitchen, which made the kitchen elves running around like mad, uncontrollably to barely noticed what happened.

I was sure the last time I checked it tonight during dinner the red sands in the Gryffindor hourglass was now no longer in the upper side of the curvy glass, but in the counterpart side. A number above the hourglass showed 250, the highest of all House hourglasses. The difference was the other hourglass did not have any minus sign in front of the number and the sands still dropping to the upper side of the hourglass.

Minus 250. Not even Lily Evans' correct answers in all of the classes or my generosity in giving points to the juniors could closing off the sand debts created by my best friends. Dumbledore should have learned it last year that I was a terrible Prefect as I successfully threw his plans to tame James and Sirius to dismay. It was still questioned me why he had appointed a failed Prefect again.

"Can we talk about this tomorrow? It's my bed time," I tried to convert their attention. Hopefully, trying to postpone the topic could somehow vanish the idea from Sirius' crack head.

"Tomorrow is Valentine's Day already, Moony!" Sirius said.

I cursed under my breath, as he did not fall into my trap. "We played a prank on Snape last year,"

"That was James who played the prank,"

"You played a prank on James during third year,"

"But we, The Marauders, had done nothing. Aww, come on, Lupin! Open up your crack head! You know in every malicious group there always be one evil mastermind (that's James), one brave person (that's me), one funny guy (that's Peter), and one smart-ass, which is you!"

"Evil mastermind, I love it!" James totally got into Sirius' trap now.

I sat on my bed reluctantly, throwing a complaining look to SIrius. "Where did that come from?"

So, Sirius made us stayed awake until 4 am just to go along with his plan. When the clock stroke midnight, Jean-Paul, our other roommate complained about how noisy we were and asked whether we were going to sleep anytime soon. When Sirius answered him negatively, he groaned annoyed. He hugged his pillow, bolster, and quilt out of the room. Frederick (his best friend) greeted us that morning sourly ("Two grown-up male teenagers in one bed? You guys owe me at least three Firewhiskeys!")

We went to the Great Hall with different expressions. Me with my yawning, James and Sirius with their super excited expression, and Peter with his 'tired but I have to keep up my energy'. I even had an intention to skip breakfast to let me stay on my bed a little bit longer. But Sirius blackmailed me ("Wake up or I will kiss you!"). When the owl post came, just like we planned, approximately 8 owls flew side by side to drop our Valentine's package to the Great Hall.

It was actually nice. A super jumbo-size heart-shape filled with 'present' for well, those we gave the 'present' to. When it was dropped to the Great Hall, everybody moved aside from it, afraid that it would lie on them. The teachers looked in curiosity. The students looked in awe. Nobody moved when it was dropped, except the owls. Peter, one of the creators, even dropped his sausage from his open-mouth. James and Sirius looked totally content with it. I became regretting that I joined them in creating this mess.

When James silently chanted Deprimo to open the package, that's where breakfast was a mess. Countless Cornish pixies came out, throwing greenish slimy stuffs to the Slytherins. Severus Snape got a special package, which was a Boggart (Lily Evans telling him that she always hated him). He spelled Riddikulus and was lucky that the Boggart was then confused, as the Great Hall was too crowded. I just realized that James got Lily Evans a very Muggle-ish Valentine this year (a heart-shape chocolate, a big bouquet of roses and a card). To compensate with our House point reduction, (I suggested) we got our favorite teachers a stuff they might love for (An ancient Chinese musical instrument for Professor Dumbledore; A Everchanging Catpaw for Professor McGonagall; A dancing cupcake for Professor Flitwick; An insect-eater plant for Professor Sprout; A pack of Magical First-Aids: Tap to turn into real for Madam Pomfrey).

"I'm surprised you don't go all out this year, Prongs!" Sirius said in amaze.

"Yeah, don't really have time to prepare for it when my partner-in-crime needed me. Hey, does she look upset? She must look upset right? Like I don't put much effort on this special day. I knew I should have give her Duelling Frog instead," James looked terribly afraid to face Lily.

"No, I think it works best when you put no effort at all. Keep it that way," I stopped him before he could do further damage to my fellow Prefect. Beside, this was the first time I ever saw Lily smiled after receiving James' presents.

"Hey," Peter squeaked. "These owls have been eating from my plate, asking for their 'fees',"

I grabbed a diner roll and called the owls to my side. I tore the diner roll and fed them. Sirius did the same when he saw me did that. Without our knowing, Lily Evans went to our table and coughed softly.

"Ehem. Thank you for your, emm, lovely Valentine's present, Potter,"

At that time, four of us looked up to the speaker. Maybe this was the time when we must mark our calendar as 'The first day Lily Evans being civil with James Potter' and celebrate it annually.

"If you can control your manners until the end of sixth year, I will not mind having you tagged along during Hogsmeade visit next year," Lily Evans chose to speak slowly, considering her word choice.

James looked stoned. I thought he would jump to hug Lily at once, but he just sat there. Mouth opened, eyes blinked several times, speech impaired. He looked back at us still in his amazement.

"This is a dream, right? You guys pulled a prank on me to think that this is real. When I woke up, you guys would laugh at me and told this story over and over again for my whole life to embarrass me!"

Sirius slapped James suddenly. Lily and me bewildered of how easily he slapped James Potter. "Does it hurt?"

James nodded. "Merlin, this is not a dream? Is this the part where I could actually hug Lily Evans?"

"Yeah, yeah, raped her if you want. Maybe today is your first and last day to do it," Sirius said easily, which I nudged him hard on his ribs. "What?!"

Lily pulled out her hand quickly, putting it between her and James. "I said, if you behave till the end of this year, I will consider going to Hogsmeade with you. Terms and conditions include no personal touch,"

"So, I can't hug you? As a Valentine's present for me, please?" James pleaded.

Eventually, Lily melted to his puppy eyes and allowed him to do so. Sirius muttered a boring tuneless "Yey," when they did so. I clapped my hand moderately, sighed as if reading the ending of a complicated love novel. When I assessed the expression of our teachers upon receiving their Valentine's present, I realized Professor Dumbledore looked so happy for James and Lily. He realized me observing him and his lips read, "Your turn,"

I tilted my head, thinking I actually read his lips wrongly. Maybe he was chanting a spell at that time. Maybe I was just too vain to think he talked to me.

He eventually stood up and walked to the podium. Everybody got silent after he raised to the podium. "Students, I wish you Happy Valentine's Day! At this moment, I was happy to see you receiving a lot of love from your family and friends, two priceless things in life you should not let go. Although some people sent prank to the other ones. But, instead of cursing them, consider it at least when they prepared the surprise, they think of you. However, sad to say I'd have to confiscate the Boggart, Cornish Pixies, and other magical creatures to donate it to DADA. Therefore, for allowing unattended magical creatures to the Great Hall during breakfast, I deduct 50 points from Gryffindor,"

"Oh, nooo," I whined, holding my head as I felt dizzy acutely.

"Also, for showing me the perseverance to achieve what you dream and being honest to you feelings, I granted 150 points for James Potter. For bravery, smart and creative minds, I granted 100 points for Sirius Black. For showing loyalty to your friend, I granted 25 points each for Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. However, the four of you are in Professor McGonagall's service. Severus Snape, for showing me a perfect Riddikulus, I also granted you 100 points. Well then, let's continue to enjoy our breakfast," He smiled happily.

I counted all Professor Dumbledore had mentioned, and a hint of happiness crept in, "Padfoot! Zero house point! I'm so happy!" I hugged him tightly like a child just got a lot of candies.

I could feel his body was tensed up at first, confused where to put his hand and he finally pat me softly. I could hear quickened heartbeat, which I thought it was mine as I was too happy. I shrugged it off easily.

Later than night, he sat on my bed watching me stalked around the room getting ready to my sleep.

I stopped walking and his head motion also fixed at my position. He was basically following my move until I felt uncomfortable with it. "You wanna say something, Padfoot?"

He blushed and gestured me to sit down. "I need to talk,"

I observed him for a while. He ate fine, slept fine, pranked fine, studied fine today. It seemed just like an ordinary day. There couldn't be something wrong or so dangerous, right? "Okay," I sat on the place he patted before.

"Accio, package," without further a due, a brown package fell into his hand and he gave me.

Looking the package in confusion, I opened it and found a box of chocolate, which I had always wanted to buy in Hogsmeade but restrained myself, as it was too pricey for me.

"I think I might fall for you, Moony,"

I looked up, amazed. "Pardon me?"

"I said, I think I love you," He paused for a while before started again, "Not as a friend. But romantically,"

If only you were not persistent enough to get my love…

"Tell me again why you reject me," Sirius stalked repetitively back and forth near the lake.

I sighed. I closed my book and repeated my reasons for the umpteenth times. "Siri-, I'm a werewolf, I am dangerous for you. I am poor. And I'm a man, on top of it!"

"I ran around with your alter-ego every month for nearly 5 years now! So it was almost 60 times! I don't care about my family or fortune! I know they are most probably spare me nothing. And yes, so you were born as a male, so what?"

"Are you just being lonely because James is busy with his Head Boy duty and he spent most of his time with Lily now; and Peter is studying to make sure he graduated with us this year? Maybe, you confused your complicated feelings with what you feel to me. That, the only one who is unfortunately available now, is me?"

I could see that Sirius felt like killing me. I was almost sure he had to control himself not to accidentally spell "Avada Kedavra" to me. He tried to explain to me again his reasons, which I gave no attention to. He continued to ramble on about his Patronus (during our DADA classes) as a canine, who resembled my werewolf figure. He said again and again that he loved me the way I was. Always have, always will, he said. But I always refused to listen until I looked at his dead body in the Veil in the Death Chamber. Was it too late to reply his feelings now?

If only I did not meet you again in the afterlife…

"Why do you choose this age in your afterlife, Sirius?" I asked you who were now lying down comfortably on Hogwarts Lawn, under the birch tree we always sat down when we were still alive.

"Because this is the age when I was the happiest. I got you by my side. James and Lily together. Snape doesn't feel that matters anymore now," You answered, looking deeply into my eyes. "How about you? Why you chose this age, Moony? Why not when you have been married with Tonks?"

I laid my head down and looked at the bright clouds. I chose to be honest now. Suddenly, all of my reasons did not matter much to me, now that me and Sirius had died in the Battle of Hogwarts. We spent our afterlife together dilly-dally like our final Hogwarts year in our teenager form. "Tonks… reminds me of you. When you are dead, she is the only person who talked like you, acted like you, and thinks like you. She is you in female body. I guess I missed your companion,"

"Is this the part where I should not be happy because you approved her but not me because I am a boy?" He raised up his body and looked at me annoyed.

I chuckled. "No, silly Sirius. This is the part where you should be happy because I made a wrong decision by marrying her not because of herself, but because he reminds me of you and when I was in my vulnerable lonely depressed state,"

Sirius looked at me, still not believing what I just said. "Since when you can sweet-talk?"

"Since I learned it from a boy who picked up my Charm book. I learnt from the best," I looked at him deeply, smiling contently.

"Okay… nice," he paused. "You are still Remus Lupin, the guy I love, right?"

"Always have, always will," I shrugged off.

"So, may I kiss the werewolf now?"

"Yes, you may kiss the werewolf," I smiled as I quoted a Muggle religion leader when they married two people, only to change the word into my entity – a werewolf.

Sirius' face was about an inch from mine when James called us loudly to join him visiting Teddy and his grandchildren ("Oiiiii! It's time to see my Harry and grandchildren! Are you guys coming?"). Sirius hung his head being so helpless. I could hear he mustered under his breath, "I won't mind killing him again,"

I pulled my body together to sit down and stood up. "Come on! Teddy is cute! You will love him as much as you love me. Besides, Harry kept our photo frame in his living room so we could visit him anytime," I shrugged. I pulled his body to stand on his own feet. We both tidied up our laps out of any remnants of grass. I linked my fingers with Sirius' and dragged Sirius to James and Lily direction through a path of light.

If I had not experienced all this, I would never be together with you now.

Author's note: It's supposed to be Valentine's Day project. But I forgot about this until two weeks have passed by, unnoticed. Anyway, comments are welcome! Preferably, constructive ones. Have a blessed day!