Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, settings, etc. only the plot. Blah, blah, blah! Now let's get on with the tasty random nonsense! Which really is tasty you know. A bit spicy, but not bad with some dressing . . .

Chapter One- Mashed Potatoes and Draco Banana Attacks!

Harry sleepily opened his eyes and tried to take in the view he was faced with. He could see down the Gryffindor table and one wall of the Great Hall. The grand doors stood tall and open, though there were few still in the Hall at this time. He felt an odd wet sensation caressing his right hand and slowly turned his head to look at it. His hand was resting in a plate of mashed potatoes.

Mashed Potatoes! Harry thought bitterly. The thought always made him feel quite heated and slightly downcast. I mean, those poor innocent potatoes! Why did they have to be mashed? WHY! They were happy as normal potatoes. (They even had eyes! Bu-dum-cchh…! Well, I thought it was funny.) Then they were beaten, hammered, battered and smooshed. And all that potato-pain was for his Taste Bud's enjoyment? How crude could you get?

Anyway, he tried to tear his mind from mashed potato civil rights and lifted his hand, gingerly, from the plate. Wiping it on a napkin, Harry caught a glimpse of the Staff Table (I don't know if this should be capitalized or not, but it seems more intimidating and important like this) perched elegantly in front of the Great Hall (Ooh! Doesn't the capital-ness just send shivers down your spine?). The four Heads of Houses ( - do I need to say anything?), Dumbledore, and the other professors were perched majestically on velvet-backed chairs, studded with gold. Expensive china decorated the sophisticated, deep purple tablecloth and goblets of gilt hung stylishly from their hands (pinkies up of course! We must stay fancy!).

Harry sighed dreamily. He wondered if he'd ever be up there- eating gracefully and discussing matters of dire importance while throwing in the occasional "why did the chicken cross the road?" Sure enough, there was lofty laughter emanating from the Staff Table and Professor Flitwick giggled superiorly into his hand. "I know! Aren't those words simply the most comical your marvelous ears have ever been graced with? To get to the other side!" And the Staff Table once again erupted with regal guffaws. (I don't know why I decided to describe the Staff Table so intricately or why the teachers seem so fancy and superior. Just go with the flow!)

Harry stood up slowly from the bench and strode towards the doors, pushing up his Nerdy – and yet irresistible – black frames farther onto his nose. They had arrived at Hogwarts on a Thursday, which had left them one day of classes before today, when they got to relax and do the small amount of homework already given to them from the professors.

Harry made sure to stop before the staircase and say a prayer to the Weekend Gods to thank them for making this Saturday morning so relaxing. After performing a tribal dance and placing his palms together, Harry meditated for a short moment. The Weekend Gods were trying to tell him something. Someone was coming. Someone was right behind him. Suddenly the view changed to the quality of an old Kung-Fu movie. In slow motion, without ever opening his eyes, Harry lifted his right leg and threw it behind him, spinning around and Karate-Chopping his attacker in the ribs.

A surprised yelp was announced and Harry opened his eyes to see Draco Malfoy sprawled dramatically across the floor. "Oh, woe is me! For I hath been crippled in my attempts to harm thee. Why do thee hath to have such keen reflexes? WHY…ETH?" Draco raised the back of his hand and rested it on his forehead, his tongue lolled out of his mouth in defeat and he slipped into unconsciousness from the Sheer Intenseness of it all. And let me assure you, there was invisible electricity – is there any other kind? - crackling through the air around The-Boy-Who-Lived, even before he noticed the banana lying in his enemy's limp grasp.

Harry's eyes narrowed and he answered the form, unconscious though it might be, "Grasshopper, it is not the reindeer and his antlers, but the spoon inside the boot… Oh, and if you every try to attack me with a banana again, you will be subject to MY WRATH!"

A first year walking by heard this exclamation and chorused in a baritone voice, "DUN, DUN, DUUUNNN!" Satisfied, Harry started making his way up the stairs and the boy turned around to resume his search for the missing yellow spark plug.

Harry reached the top of the stairs and walked as silently as possible through The Empty Hallway. However, he couldn't help the eerie echo his footsteps caused as they bounced off The Empty Hallway. Finally, Harry reached his destination: The Gryffindor Common Room. But first, he had to face…THE FAT LADY! Sighing, the first year came around the corner again and exclaimed in a deep tenor, "DUN, DUN, DUUUNNN!" Before muttering something about people having no respect for pineapples and walking away to once again look for his precious canary-yellow plug.

The Fat Lady stared at Harry down her nose and sniffed snootily. Her pale pink dress gushed about her legs and hot pink, plaid shoes poked out from underneath her lacy petticoat. The Fat Lady cleared her throat and asked in the most menacing way possible, "What is the password?"

Harry's eyes widened and his mouth fell open, "I…I…" Harry couldn't believe it. Was it possible? No it wasn't. But yes, it must be! Harry collapsed to the ground in a heap of robes and hormones and cradled his head in his hands tragically before screaming, "I DON'T KNOW THE PASSWORD!"

Where was that first year boy when you really needed him to "dun dun dun"? If anyone's interested, he was currently yodeling in the Swiss Alps, gently stroking his golden spark plug, Louisiana. "I-I-I lo-00-oove yo-uuuu Louisi!" He belted out in Swedish and smiled as it echoed throughout the mountains, causing an avalanche…

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Sorry if randomness isn't your thing, but I'm in love with it. I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review, even if it's short, so I can get some feedback and know whether or not to continue it. Once again, thank you for reading it and I hope it wasn't a COMPLETE waste of time!

P.S. If there are any errors - grammatically or Harry-Potterly - please let me know and I'll fix them as soon as I can!