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Shadow
"Raggedy man", Amy choked out through her tears. Time itself seemed to stand still in anticipation. Don't say it! the Doctor thought desperately. He could hear a voice in his head, urging him to keep hold of her. He barely resisted dragging her back into the TARDIS by force. "Goodbye!" cried Amy, spinning just in time to see his heartbroken visage before that damned Angel sent her away to goodness knows when. The Doctor screamed and fell to his knees, wracked with despair.
He dimly heard River calling his name, as though he was at the bottom of a pool of water. The voice in his head was louder than hers. Don't wallow in self-pity, go and fetch them. Have your revenge on the Angels and go and fetch your Ponds. Time can be rewritten, remember? Even fixed points. You've done it before. It was so persuasive, so inviting.
"NO!" he shouted, gripping his head. His gaze was dragged to the gravestone and fresh pain pierced his hearts. You don't deserve this! Why should the majority be happy and ignorant whilst you suffer? You can still save them. They'll thank you one day. It was getting harder and harder to resist that voice. It sounded so much like his own. River pulled him back into the safety of the TARDIS, setting him down on the steps. He winced at the memory of all the times Amy and Rory had sat on or walked up and down these steps.
Why should we care about the universe if the universe doesn't care about us? asked the voice. The Doctor had no answer. It felt as if he'd been looking through a fogged up window and had only now wiped away the condensation. The universe didn't care. It never cared whispered the voice. It was unfeeling and unthinking, existing only to turn things to dust. Why should the people he loved be taken from him?
The Doctor stood up and strode to the console, his jaw set. River didn't like the look in his eyes. "What are you doing?" she asked warily, as the Doctor began to dematerialise the TARDIS. "Rescuing them" he replied sharply, before yelping in pain as the console panel electrified him. "What's the big idea!" he yelled at the TARDIS, which shook violently. The Doctor lunged for the dematerialisation lever, only for the TARDIS to tilt so much he was thrown into River, knocking the wind from them both.
She recovered just in time to hold his arms behind his back. The Doctor struggled and thrashed, but held himself back from hurting her too much. "What the hell has gotten into you? Amy and Rory are gone, Doctor! There's nothing you or I can do!" River insisted desperately. The Doctor strained to reach the console. "I can do something" he growled, "if I can just lock onto their bio-signatures, let me go!"
River had never seen him so angry, so…feral. "I can't do that, Doctor, you can't do that! The paradox will rip apart New York, is that what you want?" she asked him, trying to make him see sense. "I want my best friends back! I want to save them instead of damn them this one time! I want them back!" he shouted, finally tearing himself free of her grasp. He threw himself towards the console; as his fingers made contact, golden light burst up from the controls and flowed into his eyes.
Feelings of disappointment, apology and love washed over him, along with the overwhelming need to sleep. He crumpled to the floor, eyes sliding shut, utterly unable to resist. River was by his side in seconds. "What happened? What did you do to him?" she demanded. This has to be done replied the TARDIS in Rivers head. It should have been done centuries ago. Do not fear, he is unharmed. Go to these co-ordinates and retrieve the last page from the bin. Let him read it when he wakes.
The Doctor found himself in a stone room, with flickering torches the only light source. He assumed he was dreaming lucidly, and wondered if he could walk through the walls. Then the wall opposite him became glass, and he could see a figure staring back at him. It was a teenage boy, nearly but not quite an adult. He was thin and dressed in black, ragged robes, with filthy unkempt hair. He reminded the Doctor of a younger Dream Lord or Valeyard. His dark eyes seethed with hatred, but also with longing.
"You're the voice" he realised. The boy clapped laconically, giving the Doctor a derisive sneer. "Well done, Einstein. You've worked out I'm the one who's been whispering in your ear all this time. I admit I'm rather impressed; considering how long it took you to notice me I was worried we'd be stuck here for ages" he commented. You'll be here until you work out your differences said the voice of the TARDIS, much to the Doctor and the young Dream Lord's surprise.
Both of you are dear to me and that is exactly why I didn't force this on you a long time ago. Now I'm afraid it will hurt even more. The TARDIS sounded regretful. "What do you mean, TARDIS? Who are you, really?" the Doctor asked the boy. "Me? I'm glad you finally asked. I'm the night to your day, the ying to your yang…hmm, not sure if that one really works. Nice to meet you, Theta Sigma. I'm your shadow-self".
River entered the TARDIS once more, with the last page clutched in her hands. She laid it gently on the Doctor's chest. "Tell me what's happening" she insisted, her eyes damp. The Doctor wasn't awake to see the damage, so she could mourn for her parents at last. You could have mourned in his presence, you know. He wouldn't have thought less of you. As for what is happening…my Thief has to face something that for too long he's been holding in the dark. It is partly my fault. I sensed his mind was divided long ago, but I did not act swiftly as I should have. I forgot that as a TARDIS, my duty is to protect those I serve, not coddle them.
The ex-murderess' head hurt. "You're speaking in riddles again…hang on. His mind is divided…TARDIS, are you saying the Doctor has a split personality?" asked River. The more she thought about it, the more it seemed to make sense. It would certainly explain his mood swings. In a way. River, are you familiar with Carl Jung's archetypes? ,asked the TARDIS. River vaguely recalled something about different parts of the mind. "Not much" she admitted.
Never mind. Suffice to say that the Doctor is conversing with his shadow self. This Shadow-Thief is not evil, I would like to make that clear. He is lost in the darkness and the Doctor is the only one who can let him into the light. He might also pull the Doctor further into the darkness. We can only hope they find a way to balance one another.
The Doctor stared at his so called shadow self. "…I thought you'd look the same age as me" he said at last. "You created me when you were twelve. Ergo, I am twelve years younger than you, in age and in appearance" explained his shadow self, but this merely confused the Doctor further. "What d'you mean I created you? Are you saying I had a dark side when I was twelve?" he asked incredulously. The shadow Doctor glared at him. "I'm saying exactly that, you bonehead. Now come on, let me out so we can save the Ponds" he demanded.
"I can't" answered the Doctor. His alter-ego rolled his eyes. "Oh don't give me that moral high ground, needs-of-the-many crap. Who cares if a few thousand nobodies cease to exist? Two people who actually matter to you would be alive" he argued. The Doctor sighed. "Everyone matters to me; and err, what I meant was I don't know how to let you out" he explained.
"There's a key around your neck. There's a lock right there. Try and figure it out for yourself from here" the shadow Doctor deadpanned. The Doctor held up the small silver key; he couldn't help thinking it looked terribly familiar. He reached for it, but then stopped himself. "I can't...I can't let you take over, I can't become someone like you" said the Doctor, shaking his head.
His shadow-self glared at him. "I'm not even a someone, I'm part of you. What're you afraid of? I wasn't planning to go off levelling planets; well, not at first. Gotta start small, after all. No, d'you know what I really wanna do?" he asked. "What?" the Doctor asked curiously. "I want to live. Cut loose. Drink all night, dump all my problems on River, hook up with some blond for a night or two and pretend she's Rose" his alter-ego answered casually.
Anger laced the Doctor's voice. "You want to take advantage of a stranger, and my wife, and you think I'm just going to sit back and let you? That's not a life, that's a waste of a life" he told his shadow self.
"Says who?" asked his shadow self with a sneer. "Of course, if you say it's a waste of a life then it must be, because you're never wrong, are you Doctor? All those companions are lucky. Sure, you tore apart their families and memories and hearts but hey! At least they're not wasting their lives anymore" he said in a voice dripping with sarcasm.
The Doctor tried futilely not to let the damage show. "It's not the same. My companions care about others; you just care about yourself" he said judgementally. "So do you! You just lock all your true desires and emotions away; that's why I exist, I'm your Id. Don't bother denying it; you want what I want, that's why I want it" his shadow-self told him.
It wasn't true…was it? "You never told me how I created you" said the Doctor. His alter-ego shrugged. "Maybe 'created' is the wrong word" he answered, making air quotes with his fingers. "I'm glad Sexy separated us like this; it's a heck of a lot easier to think. I suppose I've been here in your head since day one; that day was just the first time I really was. Know what I mean? I sure hope you do, cos I've got no idea!" he laughed.
"Actually, I don't. What day? What did I do?" the Doctor demanded. He hated being kept in the dark. "Torvic, the Gallifreyan who bullied you and Koschei. That day he tried to kill your friend? It made you so angry. It made you want blood for blood. Then you heard a voice, whispering in your head. Kill him. Stop him from hurting your friend. And you listened to that voice" said his shadow self.
"You wanted revenge, you wanted to kill, but you didn't want to think you were capable of murder. So you created me, to tell you to do it. When you had the chance to be Death's champion, you wanted to do it. I told you, take the offer in exchange for your guilt. You could have kept Death from Koschei and had your conscience cleared in one go! But you had to get clever, didn't you? You foisted your guilt off on Koschei and forgot you ever heard my voice" his shadow-self told him, and the Doctor didn't even try to protest. It was all true; he remembered. Centuries old memories burst to the surface; the first spots of blood on his hands, the deal with Death.
His alter-ego continued. "Remember, you did this. I kept calling out to you but you couldn't hear me. Every time I struggle to the surface you shove me right back into your subconscious where you don't have to think about me. I will keep trying, I will never stop trying to needle you and hurt you and get through the cracks in your armour because you hate me!" he shouted, thumping his fists against the glass. The Doctor flinched. "You left me in the dark, so darkness is what I became" finished his shadow-self.
For the first time the Doctor really looked at his shadow-self. For the first time he saw his 'dark side' for what it was; wretched, bitter and lonely. His cowardice, his fear of himself had done this. "I'm sorry" he found himself saying. "I'm so sorry, but…I don't hate you. I was scared of you. When you made me…when I realised I wanted to kill Torvic, nothing made sense anymore. I wanted to murder someone, but it was to save a friend. I didn't know you were me, I thought you were just some voice in my head. I was scared" he admitted.
"Now you know I'm not, so let me out. We can save Amy and Rory!" begged his shadow self. The Doctor shook his head sadly. "No, we can't. My life isn't more important than anyone elses, it doesn't work like that" he tried to explain. "Why should it be like this?" demanded his shadow-self. Thump. "They saw me when you refused to, I like them, I want them back; why is that wrong, why?" thump, "I want to not have to care for once, why must that be selfish, why?" thump, "I want to live without being judged all the time, why should I have to be someone I'm not, why?" thump.
Cracks began to appear on the glass. "Why…why do I have to be the evil one?" his shadow-self asked brokenly, his head hanging low. The Doctor walked over and rested his forehead against the glass. "You're not evil. In some ways you're my better, and in others I'm yours. There's nothing wrong with what you want; what we want, per se. We're just not supposed to let others get hurt for what we want. You know Amy and Rory as well as I do; do you really think they'd want us to sacrifice anyone for them?" he asked.
His shadow-self sighed and shook his head. "Couldn't we have kept Amy?" he half asked, half whined. "She'd never have been happy without Rory. She wouldn't have been whole. The Ponds, better together than apart…maybe we are as well" muttered the Doctor. He reached up and pulled the key from around his neck, fitting it into the lock. One turn, and the wall melted away into nothingness.
Suddenly, something grabbed the Doctor from behind and dragged him backwards. "Theta!" his shadow-self yelled in alarm, reaching out to him. The Doctor tried to twist around to see his captor. It was the Dream Lord. He grinned maliciously and continued to drag the Doctor backwards into blackness. His shadow-self disappeared from view. "Exterminate!" cried the hateful voice of a Dalek. All around the Doctor were flames; the burning corpses of his people, the charred husks of his enemies. He was reliving the Time War.
The Doctor struggled harder, but the Dream had his arms pinned. He was forced to listen to the desperate screams over and over. "Doctor!" he heard his alter-ego scream desperately from somewhere in the distance. "Doctor, where are you?" Before the Doctor could yell back, the Dream Lord clamped a hand over his mouth; and let go of his right arm. The Doctor blindly drove his fist into the Dream Lord's stomach, winding him. He tore himself free and ran towards his shadow self's voice.
They stood there, surrounded by Time Lords, enemies, companions; all of them burning alive, the flames licking about their ankles. "You didn't want them to die" said his shadow self; the Doctor stared at him in terrified disbelief. "Of course I didn't!" he cried, holding his hands over his ears, screwing his eyes shut. "You wanted to save them, but you had to let the Angel take them" said his shadow self. "That's just…what?"
"I meant you had to stop them destroying the universe. Your friends wouldn't want us to sacrifice anyone for them, would they?" he asked. The Doctor stared at his alter-ego in shock. "No, no, it's not the same!" he protested. "I killed my own species!" His shadow-self gripped him by the shoulders. "They were already dead! They kept dying over and over! You saved the universe, Doctor, and you saved them from themselves" he shouted.
Tears streamed down both their faces; and raindrops began to douse the relentless flames. "You think it'll be that easy?" asked the Dream Lord, stalking towards them. "You can't escape me, Doctor. I will always be with you. I am your guilt and self-hate personified; as long as you live, so will I!" he announced grandiosely. The Doctor looked him straight in the eye. "Then…I forgive you" he said simply.
Right before his eyes, the Dream Lord seemed to shrivel and melt. He faded into darkness, as all around, people that the Doctor knew and loved smiled at him. He caught the eye of Susan's ghost, who nodded, as if to say I forgive you too. "Thank you" he told his shadow self, who shrugged. "I just repeated your own lesson back to you" he replied. A lesson I think you've both learned well. Time to wake up, my Thieves.
The Doctor cracked his eyes open and blinked in the light. He was lying in his bed. River loomed over him, her hair forming a halo of curls. "Thank goodness you're awake!" she cried in relief, hugging him. "Yep, wide awake, don't worry. How long was I asleep for?" he asked. "Almost two days; Doctor, what happened?"
He told her everything; how his shadow-self came into being, how he'd repressed his own desires and inadvertently fuelled his self-hatred, the hard truths he'd come to realise. "So you really do have a split personality now" she said in wonder. "That's one way of putting it; and now that I'm not repressing my Id anymore, it's sort of like we're Jekyll and Hyde. I can teach him to be less selfish, and he wants to get me to 'cut loose' once in a while".
The idea of the Doctor 'cutting loose' was both amusing and appealing. "How will I know when you're you, and when you're…the other you?" she inquired. The Doctor gave her a sultry smirk. "That's easy, I'm the fun one" he told her, and River realised it was the shadow Doctor talking. "So, how would you like to learn first-hand all the things the Doctor wants to do to you but never tries?" he asked.
River got up off the bed. "As tempting as that sounds, sweetie, I have a book to write. The afterword is there on the table" she informed him. The Doctor picked up the small piece of paper, and recognised it as the last page he had torn out of the Melody Malone book. Afterword, by Amelia Williams. Hello, old friend, and here we are. You and me, on the last page. By the time you read these words, Rory and I will be long gone, so know that we lived well, and were very happy. And, above all else, know that we will love you, always. Sometimes, I do worry about you though; I think, once we're gone, you won't be coming back here for a long while, and you might be alone, which you should never be. Don't be alone, Doctor.
And do one more thing for me: there's a little girl, waiting in a garden; she's going to wait a long while, so she is going to need a lot of hope. Go to her. Tell her a story. Tell her that, if she's patient, the days are coming that she'll never forget. Tell her she'll go to sea and fight pirates, she'll fall in love with a man who'll wait two thousand years to keep her safe. Tell her she'll give hope to the greatest painter who ever lived, and save a whale in outer space. Tell her: This is the story of Amelia Pond - and this, is how it ends.
"I want to go and see her" said his shadow self. The Doctor tucked the afterword into his pocket, over his heart. "Okay".