Aaaaaaaaaaaaannndd... I'm back! *APPLAUSE, WHOOPS AND CHEERS* Why thank you, thank you. (It really hasn't been that long...oh well.) Also, thanks for the views and REviews on my first fanfiction! (Marina Ka-Fai, you rock!)
Anyway, this is ANOTHER parody, because I wanted my chance to make fun of the game! YAY! It's pretty much the typical 'follow the original storyline, then poke fun at things along the way.' But this time, it's my jokes. (They're not so good early on, but hopefully they'll get better in time!)-Plus, I might edit later if I'm feeling like it.
I am extremely sorry if I use jokes from other parodies by accident, I had no intention of copying anyone.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I totally don't own this awesome video game! If I did, I would be a Japanese man in his forties. XD
Chapter One: ADD swordsman and a cosplaying grape
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a giant tree that was the source of mana. Because chi was already taken. A war, however, caused the tree to wither, and a child was brutally murdered... his thick, gooey, red, juicy blood splattered and sprayed all over the ground; his insides...um...let's just skip that part! Grieving, the goddess abandoned everyone and went to heaven. She left the angels with a message: You must wake me, for if I sleep in too long, the movie 2012 will come true! The angels got busy and after much labor pain, they bore the Chosen One, who walked to the larger-than-life tower that reached up into the heavens. And that marked the beginning of the regeneration of the world... and this parody! Like so many other parodies!
Iselia, 4,000 years after a kid was slaughtered maliciously
"Lloyd Irving, wake up!"
"Lloyd!"
THUMP! A chalkboard eraser hit said person's head straight between the eyes and made the worst poof cloud ever. He didn't react at first, but then, slowly but surely, he opened his eyes. "Gah!" he said, with about as much intelligence as a bruised grapefruit.
The person who threw the eraser, apparently named "?", glowered over Lloyd. "How do you manage to sleep standing?" she asked, sighing.
"Oh, professor Raine!" said Lloyd. "Eh- is class over?"
Yes, Lloyd, Raine (AKA '?') just threw an eraser at your giant fat chibi head because class is over. And everyone is still in class. Brilliant observation.
She sighed. "Never mind. GENIS! ANSWER THE QUESTION!" she screamed suddenly, walking back to the front of the room.
A short kid with sharp-looking hair and a dead expression in the front of the classroom stood up. "Y-yes, Raine. This one guy, Mithos did stuff during the war, and solved a bunch of stuff," he said in a monotone voice.
Raine nodded fiercely. "CORRECT! Sit down!" Genis didn't even look at her as he sat down obediently as she continued. "Then he made a pact with the goddess, to seal away the Desians."
"...But they're back, right?" interrupted Lloyd. How rude.
Raine gave him an annoyed look. "We talked about that yesterday! Geez, are you ADD or what?!"
"I-I knew that! I just forgot!" he said.
She narrowed her eyes at him. "There seems to be no solution to your idiocy," she said darkly, her aura turning to that of skulls and smelly gym socks. "You have earned..." She went behind her desk and brought out a white cone. "The DUNCE CAP!" she declared. She dragged Lloyd to a stool and shoved the cap over his gravity-defying hair.
"THERE! NOT SO SMART NOW, ARE YA?" she shouted, banging on his head. He gave her a dirty look and she slapped him across the face.
"Oww!" he cried.
RAINE OBTAINED THE TITLE 'EDUCATION CAN BE PAINFUL!'
Raine turned back to the class, smiling as her aura turned back to that of butterflies and rainbows, leaving Lloyd rubbing his head and pouting behind her. "Colette, tell us about the regeneration journey," she said.
A girl with blonde hair (you all know what that means!) stood up clumsily, grinning, with a hazy expression in her blue eyes. "It's a vacation to put bad guys in their place, and then restore mana. And because since chi was taken already, we have to call it mana." she said. She looked over at Lloyd, who was still in the time-out corner, and smiled, checking him out, before sitting down and staring at the chalkboard.
"Very good," said Raine, nodding. "I suppose we should expect the chosen herself to know the answer to that one."
Colette grinned and drooled a bit. This girl is the Chosen?
We're doomed.
Suddenly, there was a bright light, and everyone turned their heads to look out the window.
"What was that?" asked Lloyd.
"SHINY!" screamed Colette, jumping up and clawing at the windows to try and get to the shiny light.
The light eventually faded and Raine tried to get everybody's attention, but there really wasn't any attention to get, unbeknownst to Raine. "Children? Children!" She sighed, and then took a deep breath and whistled louder than a train ever could. "SIT DOWN!" she shouted, even thought nobody was doing anything. Everyone cringed in fear.
Raine then smacked Lloyd. "First of all, no talking while in the corner!" she said.
Lloyd replied, with an eyebrow raised, "Nobody puts baby in the corner!"
He was promptly smacked. Again.
Raine sighed and turned back to the class. "It seems the time for the oracle has come. I will go and check on the chapel, meaning, I will laugh madly at every historical thing I come across and shout, 'MARVELOUS!'. You all stay here and do what all kids hate: studying on their own." She made her way to the door, carrying a rock hammer. Like the main guy from Shawshank.
Just then, Colette stood up. "Professor!" she shouted. "I'll go with you!"
Raine just shook her head. "No, Colette. The old man priests will come here for you. Plus, you'll get in the way of my crazy and thorough examination of the temple." She ran off, eyes gleaming, and Colette sat down, sniffling.
Lloyd, taking this opportunity of freedom, jumped up, threw the dunce cap out the window, and ran over to the exit, only to be stopped by Genis. "Where do you think you're going?" he said. "My sister said to stay here and study!"
Lloyd raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you afraid of her or something?"
"N-no!"
GENIS OBTAINED THE TITLE OF 'SIS-O-PHOBIA!"
"Besides, it's research!" said Lloyd.
Genis looked angry at him. "You always find an excuse!"
"So?" He shrugged. "Since when do you care?"
Genis growled, much like an annoyed dog. Lloyd turned to Colette. "Want to come?" he asked.
Colette turned her head. "Where to?" she said dumbly.
Genis facepalmed and Lloyd gave her a look of 'Are you kidding me right now?' "Where else?" said Lloyd. "You're directly involved in all of this, unfortunately for everyone else in the world!"
"Okay!" she chirped, the insult flying over her head and out the window, and she skipped over to Lloyd. And together, the three musketeers marched their way out of the schoolhouse, only to run into a man in a pink and green striped bathrobe and nightcap, looking- like Ebenezer Scrooge.
"Hi, Frank," said Lloyd.
"Daddy!" cried Colette. "What are you doing here?" Lloyd snickered at the use of the word 'Daddy'.
"Checking on you, of course, because if I don't, you could impale yourself or go chasing after butterflies into the woods! Again!" he said.
Genis raised an eyebrow, his expression turning into one of slight horror and disgust. "You came out here...in just your bathrobe?"
"It's relaxing!" Frank snapped. "Anyway, please be careful, Chosen One." He went back somewhere, probably to continue...whatever he was doing. I'll leave that to your imaginations.
"...That was...really weird," mused Genis, eyebrows raised.
Lloyd nodded. "Yeah, it was. Well, anyway, let's go!" he skipped over to the entrance north of them, hand in hand with Colette. Genis rolled his eyes and shook his head, muttering something about an 'ADD Lloyd.' But he followed them reluctantly. They reached the gate, when a floating skull appeared, chomping on air.
"Woah, it's a monster!" said Colette.
Genis rolled his eyes, again. "NO, I thought it was the Sugar Plum Fairy handing out candy canes!"
Colette's eyes widened. "Really? Where? WHERE IS SHE?!" she shrieked, looking around frantically.
Lloyd sighed but ignored her and pulled out his sword. "This thing's going DOWN!" he yelled suddenly, a wild grin growing on his face.
Genis sighed. "Moron..." But nevertheless, Genis pulled out his kendama-whatever the heck that is- and the battle commenced. And once it did, the skull became a zombie.
Now, how did that happen, you might ask? I do not have an answer. Sorry.
They fought.
They won.
Mapo99 needs to be more descriptive. Too bad she can't write fight scenes for shit.
"Phew, that was tough!" said Lloyd. Yeah, beating zombies up with my wooden sticks really takes its toll on Lloyd.
"Well, maybe you should work out more," suggested Genis.
Colette stopped looking for the sugar plum fairy and gaped at Lloyd as she imagined what he would look like lifting weights without a shirt on. "OMG..." she breathed.
Just then, another monster appeared, still looking like a skull. "Another one!" yelled Lloyd.
Way to go, Sherlock.
"Let's kill it!" said Lloyd, holding up his swords and grinning like a maniac.
"LLOYD OBTAINED THE TITLE, 'KILLINZ IS FUN!'
"Wait!" shouted Genis. "Remembered what Raine said about elemental monsters against physical ones?"
Lloyd looked confused. "Ummm... no?"
Genis sighed. "What were you doing during that lesson, anyway?"
A long time ago in a classroom far, far away...
"...And that is the difference between elemental and physical monsters, class," said Raine.
Lloyd, however, did not notice; for he was busy spitting spit balls out of a plastic straw at little Billy. He had fallen asleep long ago. Suddenly he woke up, and wondered why his face was wet.
Back to present-day:
"Umm..."
Genis sighed. "Whatever. Let's just beat this thing!" he said, suddenly enthusiastic.
"Bi-polar, much?" Lloyd muttered.
GENIS OBTAINED THE TITLE 'BI-POLAR BEAR!'
Another battle started.
Those crazy kids fought.
They won, surprisingly. Then again, it wasn't really that hard, since they decided to start that day on easy mode.
"Yay! We did it!" cheered Colette.
Genis' eyebrows shot up as he stared at her. "WE? Who's 'WE'?!" he cried. "You didn't do anything except chase a sugar plum fairy that doesn't even exist!"
Colette looked crestfallen. "You mean...no candy canes?"
Genis facepalmed.
And they moved on, to the Martel temple. It took them about two minutes, since they have lightning speed.
Once they got to the temple, an old man in a dress came tumbling down the stairway, smelling funny.
"Chosen one...the Desians broke the non-agression treaty...they forced me to drink...too much...vodka...on my birthday..." then he died.
"NOOOOOO! Random stranger that died on your birthday!" Colette cried. She started weeping over his body and Lloyd stood up and made his way to the stairs.
"I'm going," he said.
What else were you gonna do?
Colette and Genis both came up and followed Lloyd, unaware that the priest's corpse had mysteriously disappeared. Genis noticed, though.
"Hey, where'd the corpse go?" asked Genis, puzzled. Like a jigsaw.
He was ignored, despite being right- what did happen to the priest's corpse? Did it get eaten by monsters? Did old lady fangirls drag him away into the forest to take pictures of him and show them to their friends? Or worse?
Who knows. Not me, that's for sure.
They made their way up the many winding stairs built into the ground, something that should have been impossible.
They reached the top of the stairs and saw many desians surrounding an old woman.
"Give me all your lunch money!" said Desian #1.
"Mak meh!" countered the old woman. She must have had an extremely bad case of the stuffy nose. She caught sight of Colette, and said, "Ruh, Clete!"
The Desians turned to Lloyd and his posse, and one of them said, "Lord Botta! There she is!"
A big guy with spiky brown hair and an angry expression etched into his face turned to see Colette. "Chosen One, your life is mine!"
Lloyd suddenly got very defensive and angry. "Hey! Stop hitting on Colette! Only I'm allowed to do that!"
Genis sighed and just pulled out his kendama. "Lloyd, let's just fight already!" he said.
"Oh, right. Okay."
And they fought, but they didn't fight Botta.
Instead, they got a guy called Vidarr, who donned a hammer and a chain-on-a-ball-thing.
Kinky.
Anyway, they fought Vidarr for some time, but to no avail. They were knocked to the ground, and Lloyd's swords were somehow two feet deep in the ground, despite being made of cheap wood. Even the grips. Interesting.
"Damn, this guy is really tough!" complained Lloyd.
Vidarr took a swing with his wrecking ball, and Lloyd closed his eyes, probably waiting for pain. But the pain never came for lucky Lloyd. He opened his eyes to see a grown man wearing dark purple latex, holding out his sword, thus saving Lloyd's life.
"Get out of the way," was all he said.
But Lloyd, being the stubborn kid we all know and love (well I don't know about ALL), refused to back down and let mystery man get all the glory. He joined the battle once again, and together they beat Vidarr to a pulp. He fell down on the ground.
Botta looked at them and his expression didn't change. "...I never thought you'd show up! Damn, retreat for now!" And together, the 'Desians' rode off into the sunset on their sugar plum fairies, to find a good summer retreat. Get it? Retreat? Haha... Meanwhile, both Genis and ? were wondering, where the heck did Vidarr's body go?
"Hey, guys? Where's the body?" Genis asked. "Was it animals? Fangirls? A MYSTICAL PREDETERMINED FORCE?"
He was ignored. He pouted and shut up.
Anyway, the old woman, whose name had never been said but we somehow know her name is Phaidra (I think they said it in the game, I forgot [I haven't played this game in, like, two years!]) said to ?, "Tanks fur savin da chosen won!"
? turned his head, not understanding the weird old woman at all. "Ummm...yeah. Anyway, this girl is the next chosen?" he said, pointing at Genis.
"HEY!" yelled Genis.
"OH. So, THIS girl is the next chosen, then." He pointed at Colette.
Colette nodded. "Yup yup. I gotta meet the oracle." She drooled a bit and ? sighed.
"We're all doomed," he said. Agreed.
Colette walked up to the middle of the platform, headed for the temple entrance. "Grandmother, I'm going to undergo the trial now," she said.
"What trial?" asked Lloyd.
"The monsters, I would assume. An evil presence radiates from inside this chapel," said weird grape guy, also known as ?.
"Yah!" said Phaidra. "She gon get judged."
Lloyd perked up at the thought of Colette getting punished. Probably in a kinky way. I should probably rate this story T...
Lloyd stepped forwards, not wanting to miss out on getting to witness his kink. "Then I'll take on the job of protecting Colette. And by that, I mean I will gape at everything then get bored within five seconds!" he said.
Phaidra looked horrified for a moment, then looked bored again. "Lloyd? I wood bee uneezy wit jus yoo...'n by taht, I mean NO WAY, HOSAY!"
Grape man was now staring at Lloyd intently, like he was trying to make him disappear. "You name is Lloyd?" he said as nonchalantly as he could.
Lloyd nodded, but raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, but who are YOU to ask for my name?"
Grape man was silent for a moment, still staring at Lloyd's head very intently. They began a staring contest that only lasted about 5 seconds, before Lloyd dropped to his knees, clutching his head. "AAAAAAUGH! The pain! IT BURNS US! IT BURNS US!" he screamed. He pointed at ? and said, "That guy can see into your SOUL!"
Grape man only looked over at Phaidra. "My name is Kratos. As long as you give me moneys, I'll fight for the Chosen. But only for the moneys!" he said, emphasizing the 'money.'
"Yah, pleeze bee ov servis," said Phaidra, a little reluctantly. She gave him a small bag full of money. "Taht's all my munny," she said. "If yoo cood give sum bak, tat wood be-"
"NO!" shouted Kratos suddenly, clutching the bag to his chest. "MY MONEY!"
She sighed. "I tought so..."
"Gramma!" shouted Colette, suddenly. "Lemme go now!"
"Yes, good luk, chosin!" she said. Colette, Kratos, Lloyd and Genis all headed inside the temple, to face terrible dangers, such as...zombies and spiders! Woo!
And there you have it! Chapter One! I promise to update soon!... Ok, I can't really promise that, but whatever. I will update! Plus, I hope the jokes get funnier...
Please R&R! (Rate and review, not rest and relax like Botta and his cronies) XD
See ya! Next time... Sugar maniac and over abusive teacher!