A/N: So, I've been watching the old Legend of Zelda TV series for the last few days and it has given me so much joy and laughter that I feel like I have to honour its existence with a story. I was especially inspired by it's presentation as Ganon as a generic typical cartoon villain, complete with melodramatic yelling and phrases like "You'll be sorrier". Anyway, this one bridges the gap between mocking the source material and taking it seriously, so make of it what you will :D so, without further adieu...
"Oh, Spryte, do you think I'm ever gonna get that kiss?" groaned Link as he stretched out on his bed. "I've tried so many times to get Princess Zelda to like me, but it never ever works."
Spryte, Link's tiny fairy companion, took a break from hovering to rest on Link's shoulder and place a reassuring hand on his cheek. "Who needs Princess Zelda? She's so uptight. She isn't right for you."
The fairy started to stroke Link's face. "Me, on the other hand..."
Link sat up suddenly, throwing the fairy off balance. "Blast it, Spryte, you've always gotta make things awkward like that!"
Spryte followed Link quietly as he exited his sleeping quarters. Link, dressed in his blue pyjamas rather than his distinctive green tunic, leant over the balcony wall and watched, from his usual spot, as Zelda peacefully read a book.
Link sighed. "I'd give anything for her to notice me."
"I know the feeling," muttered Spryte. Link took no notice.
A few moments passed while Link watched Zelda quietly. Then, a rush of excitement came over Link, and he rushed back into his bedroom, talking as he tore his pyjamas from his body.
"I bet that if I finally got the Triforce of Power from Ganon, Zelda would give me all the kisses in the world!" he exclaimed, hopping on his right foot as he pulled the sock from his left, "There'd be no more invasions, no more Moblins attacking me while I creep on Zelda, no more ruined Amateur Wizard contests, no more getting turned into a frog..."
Spryte watched in surprise as Link, who was usually quite slow at putting his clothes on in the morning, put on his green adventuring gear in less than a minute.
"I don't know why I didn't think of this before. Why, that no good Ganon won't know what hit him! I'll zap him good, then smash the evil jar, and that'll be the end of that."
"All this for a kiss?" squeaked Spryte. "You could get yourself killed going into the underworld. Ganon's powers are a lot stronger down there! And besides, who will look after the Triforce of Wisdom while you're gone?"
Link rubbed his chin in thought, before snapping his fingers and pointing at Spryte. "That'll be you, Spryte. You'll take care of the Triforce!"
"Me?!" exclaimed Spryte, "You said it yourself, I'm only three inches high!"
"Please Spryte?" said Link, making full eye contact with his admirer. "For me?"
Spryte couldn't turn down a direct request from her beloved Link, even if it was a ridiculous spur of the moment decision made to win the love of another woman. The fairy sighed. "Okay," she said.
"Great," said Link, picking up his magic satchel and putting his minimized sword, bow, arrows, boomerang, and other effects into it. "I should be back by the morning with the Triforce in tow."
Spryte sighed glumly as she watched Link race out of the tower door. She listened as his footsteps became more distant, and when she couldn't hear anything, she watched from the balcony as Link rode out of the kingdom on Catherine's back. Then the fairy turned her attention to Zelda, who was still reading a book.
"Zelda just doesn't know what she's missing," mused Spryte. "If I were only a few feet taller. I'd be able to treat him right."
"So... Link left the Triforce in the care of that pathetic insect..." said Ganon thoughtfully. He looked into his crystal ball for a bit longer, then threw back his head and laughed. "FOOL! HAHAHAHAHA!"
The evil wizard shot a bolt of energy into the evil jar, and a large stream of light arced out of the jar and landed on the floor in front of Ganon's throne. Out of the light materialised an army of Moblins, Octorocks, Dealers, and three Gleeok's.
"GO TO HYRULE!" Ganon screamed, "CRUSH THE CASTLE, DESTROY THE PRINCESS, AND BRING ME THE TRIFORCE OF WISDOM! NOW!"
At once, an overworld entrance rose out of the ground and Ganon's minions rushed into it.
"As for Link..." growled the villain, "I'll deal with him personally..."
Ganon went back to his crystal ball and watched as Link raced into an underworld entrance in the forest. His mouth twisted in scorn as he read Link's lips, saying "Ganon doesn't know that I know about this entrance."
"Of course I know you incompetent fool!" roared Ganon, grabbing his ball and shaking it. "I wouldn't just leave an entrance lying around in the forest if I didn't want you going through it!"
Ganon stormed away from the ball and paced back and forth around his throne room. "He thinks me an idiot. He thinks me beneath him. Me, the greatest wizard alive!"
The wizard stopped. "We'll see what he thinks when he meets one of my traps. We'll see what he thinks when Hyrule burns, and when the last thing he sees is me with both Triforces!"
Ganon laughed, jumping and dancing around in cruel ecstasy, imagining the sight of a blackened sky above a demolished kingdom. Link, begging for mercy at his feet, while the princess lay in the flames, the life gone from her roasted body.
"Yes, Link... Come to me..." said Ganon, returning to his ball. The man had just entered the underworld, and was currently navigating a small tunnel, clutching his sword in anticipation of an attack. "Your love for the princess will be your final downfall..."