Knocking on Mr. Barrow's door took all the courage I had, and then some. I had been avoiding him as long as I could, but my guilt wouldn't let me wait any longer. Like him or not, Mr. Barrow had saved me from his own painful fate, and I had run away. Funny thing was, Alfred and I had spent all year sneering behind Mr. Barrow's back, saying things like, "Better hope no burglar ever breaks in below stairs – Mr. Barrow'd try to kiss him instead of fighting him." Guess I turned out to be the real coward, though.
One time, Mr. Bates, His Lordship's valet, overheard Alfred and I and spoke most sharply: "Mr. Barrow served his country in the war and he does not deserve that kind of talk from two foolish boys."
Mr. Bates and Mr. Barrow aren't exactly best friends from what I can see, but I guess they get along better than I get on with Mr. Barrow. As far as I'm concerned, I can't put too much distance between us after what happened last year. I've never been more disgusted in my life than I was when I woke up to find Mr. Barrow's lips on mine. I never thought I'd meet a real live poof, and one who couldn't keep his hands off me, no less. It's a night I wish I could forget. But I think about it every time I look at Mr. Barrow.
"What are you doing up here?" Mr. Barrow asked me as I finally entered the room. He put his newspaper aside.
"I just wanted to make sure there wasn't too much harm done," I answered, barely able to meet his eyes. This was excruciating.
"There was enough harm done," Mr. Barrow said wryly, indicating his numerous wounds. I considered what to say next. I had to swallow my pride and thank the man who had stepped in on my behalf.
"You were brave, Mr. Barrow… very brave," I said after a pause that felt like ages.
He shook his head slightly in response, looking thoughtful. He didn't seem to know what to say next, so I continued.
"I feel badly…I shouldn't have run off."
"No, you should have," Mr. Barrow answered, wincing as he changed positions. "Otherwise, what was I bloody doing it for?"
I wondered if, were the situation reversed, I would have done the same for Mr. Barrow. The answer was no and it made me even more ashamed. The silence grew and I had to fill it with something, so I asked the question that I'd been wondering all day.
"Were you following me?"
Mr. Barrow's eyes were impossible to read.
"I had to keep an eye out," he said, offering a smile. "I could see you'd had a bit to drink, and so… Yes. Yes, I did follow you."
I'd never been in such a strange situation, never in my whole life. I'd spent a whole year hating this man, building him up in my mind as a predator of the worst variety, an unnatural freak. I figured poofs didn't really care about anybody, just wanted to have their way with any man in their path. But that didn't explain why he would go out of his way to rescue me. Was he looking out for me as an under butler protecting a footman, or as a man who wanted me in his debt for sinister purposes? I had to know.
"Why?"
"You know why," Mr. Barrow spat out, his normally smooth voice raspy with emotion. His face gave him away. In it, I saw the longing of a lonely man. I recognized the loneliness because it also stared back at me each day when I looked in the mirror. But I also saw in his face wistful desire. Desire for me, for my body. Uneasiness settled over me, and emotions I couldn't define flooded my brain. One thing I did know: I was unsettled and I was scared, and I needed to set the record straight. I pulled up a chair and moved a little closer to Mr. Barrow.
"I can never give you what you want," I finally managed to say, feeling a little silly even as I said it. The man had given no indication that he expected anything of that nature from me, never since that night.
"I understand that, I – I do," he said quietly, not meeting my eyes. Then he faced me. "And I don't ask for it. But I'd like it if we could be friends."
Friends? What would Alfred say, I worried? But I could hardly refuse the man. He was black and blue and covered in wounds, all received on my account. Giving him the cold shoulder would hardly be reasonable. So I made up my mind
"Right you are, Mr. Barrow," I answered, and he broke into an immediate smile. "If that's all, I think I can manage that."
Mr. Barrow's face registered pure happiness.
"Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you," he said with great feeling, and I felt myself smiling in return. I knew I'd done the right thing.
Mr. Barrow reached for the newspaper on the bedside table.
"Make yourself useful and read the paper," he grinned as he handed it over.
I knew he had changed the subject to lighten the mood and put me at ease, and I appreciated it. This new friendship was going to take a little getting used to. I began reading the day's headlines aloud, adding my own silly commentary from time to time. Mr. Barrow laughed easily at my attempts at humor and before I knew it, nearly an hour had passed.
I looked at my watch and leaped to my feet. "Mr. Carson will be sending up a search party for me before long!" I exclaimed.
"I shouldn't have kept you," Mr. Barrow apologized. "But I do thank you, Jimmy."
"It's me that should be thanking you, Mr. Barrow," I replied sheepishly, folding the newspaper and handing it back. "I owe you."
He shook his head, smiling again, and settled back against the pillows. His eyes looked distant and lonely again. Awkwardly, I moved my chair back to its original position and cleared my throat. What should I say in parting?
"I'll come back up tomorrow morning to see how you're getting on," I finally managed, and turned on my heel to depart before he could reply. My head was whirling with emotions again and I had to get out of there. What had just happened? Was I really friends with a poof? And why didn't that bother me the way I imagined it should?
As I tossed in bed that night, my mind could think of no one but Mr. Barrow. My friend, Mr. Barrow. I'd never had a friend before, not really. I squeezed my eyes shut and I saw his face, lighting up with joy. I drifted off to sleep, and in my dreams I heard his voice: "Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you."
I dreamed of Mr. Barrow, and I woke up feeling happier than I had ever felt in my entire life.