TITLE: Hear Me, Feel Me
AUTHOR: Ladyhawk
EMAIL ADDRESS: funger1@netscape.net
RATING: R
Fandom: Harry Potter
PAIRING: Sirius/Remus and some Harry/Draco
SUMMARY: Remus is depressed and on the edge.
DISCLAIMER: I can't write that well, sorry. She owns them.
Feedback? PULEEZE
Hear Me, Feel Me
by Ladyhawk (funger1@netscape.net)
If I put my wand just so on this tree stump, I should be able to perform the dissipating spell on myself, and this will all be over. No more pain, no more worrying if I'm going to kill someone next time I change. Nobody will worry if I'm gone. It'll be nice to finally get some rest. .
I balance the wand on the stump, trying to arrange it so the spell will be as painless as possible. I've had enough of pain. . .
But before I can say the words to start the spell, a dog, a big, black, very familiar dog grabs the wand off the stump and glares at me.
Anger boils over in me. He can't understand. He can't possibly know how hard life is for me. Can't he just leave me alone? "Go away, Sirius."
The animagus changes back to human form as the summer wind drifts around us. Within a few minutes, a tall, dark-haired, naked man sits on the tree stump, holding my wand. He has the same glaring anger in his eyes that he had in his other form.
That beloved voice tears daggers in my ears as he starts shouting at me. "What in Merlin's name were you thinking, Moony? It's over. Peter's dead, Harry's safe. What is it that's driving you this far? AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT?"
He holds my wand tightly in his hands as he speaks. He seems to have no regard for his nakedness, but I can't help but admire his sleek, long form.
I must have stared for a few minutes without realizing because Sirius stands up and approaches me. "Well, Moony? Talk to me."
Suddenly, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can't do this. I can't! I need to get away. I've treated him badly the last couple months. I've sulked, I've cried, I've avoided him. Now my actions are going to cost me everything I ever had with him.
I know what he's going to say. He's going to say I'm not good enough. I was never good enough. I back away, retreating into the forest behind me.
I hear a sigh. My oversensitive ears make out the most unexpected words from his mouth as I duck out of sight.
"I will help you, Remus, my love, my mate. By all that is good, I will find a way to get through to you. I wish I knew why you got this way. Was it because I was arrested and taken to Azkaban? What can I do to help you. ." His voice fades as he walks away.
I break down and cry and wonder why he is so good to me. A fucked-up, weak, dangerous werewolf like me.
As tears roll down my face, I remember. It all started in this forest not too far from here. . .
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"I'm telling you, I saw him enter the forest somewhere around here. We have to find him. There's no telling what could eat him or. . ."
As I wake up from the sleep the change always drops me into, this voice reaches my ears. Melodic, soft, sounding like the person's straining to get the most out of life through the quick, intense rhythm of it. I know that voice. I hear it every day, but I'm too tired to place it.
Suddenly, the bushes around me shift. I look up into the shocked face of my roommate, James Potter. "Sirius, he's over here."
That voice is back, and suddenly, I know. My other roommate, the smart, funny, and craziest first-year at Hogwarts. "Is he ok? Do we need to get Madame Pomfrey?"
I blush at James. He staring at my scrawny, naked body, trying not to stare. I shake my head at him in answer to Sirius' question as he takes off his school robe and covers me with it.
Sirius sticks his head between the bushes. "Remy, you git. You scared me to death when I saw you walk in here last night. I wanted to come after you then, but we ran into Dumbledore on our way here. For some reason, he said to stay in last night, but that we could come in search of you in the morning."
Tears roll down my cheeks. Nobody ever worried about me before. My parents, they would lock me up during the change. They would only do what they had to to take care of me the rest of the time. But these boys. . .these boys that barely know me. . .
"Oh my!" I look up to see Sirius' aristocratic dark features focused on my shoulder, my scarred shoulder. His words astound me. "Did it hurt? Changing into a werewolf? You must've gotten something tangled in your fur last night, 'cause there's something caught in your hair." He reaches out to me. "Here, I'll get it out. You know, you should've really had someone keeping an eye on you last night. We don't know what stuff in the forest eats humans, let alone wolves."
I let this monologue wash over me, until it finally sinks in. They don't care! I can see by the nodding of James' head to Sirius' comments and the intense look on both of their faces that yes, they know what I am, but no, they don't think less of me because of it.
It's still hard to believe, though. "But, but, you don't want to be around me. What if I hurt you? what if. . ."
James covers my mouth with his gentle hand. "The wolf part is over, right?" I nod, cautiously. "Well then, I guess you're back to being the smart, mischevious, inventive, and great boy that you were yesterday afternoon. Now why wouldn't we want to be around you?"
Sirius comes to sit next to me on the mossy ground. "Yeah. I wish I could be around you when you're a wolf too, you know, to keep an eye on you. I saw a werewolf when I was eight. She changed right in front of me. We were at the end of a forest, but near a busy Muggle street. I guess she couldn't remember to stay away from the Muggle cars when she was a wolf because she tried to get across the street, and. . .well, I don't want that to happen to you, too."
I shakily reach out my hand to hold his, to try to erase the fear I see in his eyes. Not fear OF me, but fear FOR me. "I--I talked to Professor Dumbledore last month. He says he's working on getting me a safe spot. Until then, he says he enchants the area I'm in so he can watch me."
"So I do. Hello, boys." Professor Dumbledore's smiling face looms over the bushes in front of us. "Here, Remus, I brought you your robes. Boys, can you walk him back? I'm going to be late for a meeting if I don't hurry, and I know Remus needs to take it slowly today."
"Yes, sir!" Two voices echo as Sirius grabs my robes from the professor and helps me into them as James puts his back on. As we get up to walk back to the castle I feel something soft in my hair. Sirius' voice carries down to me from the top of my head. "I like you, we both like you. You're one of us now, and we protect our own. Don't ever forget that."
That day, I walked into the best friendships of my entire life, with the help of the steadying arms of my two new best friends.
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I walk through Hogsmeade with a small smile on my face. Even though I've destroyed anything I could ever have with Padfoot, I have some wonderful memories. Too bad it's not enough to live from. I wish he could still love me, but I know, from my being a werewolf, and putting the whole school of Hogwarts in danger, that nobody could really love me. . .
Just then, something cold hit the back of my ankle. I looked down to see the black dog I used to call my mate staring up at me silently.
I shake my head at him sadly. "Go away, Padfoot. You don't want to be with me. I cause pain for everyone around me. Please, I don't want you hurt, too."
Padfoot sits down and barks at me. Even though he can't speak, I can hear his other voice in my head trying to negate everything I just said. But I know it's true. . .
Padfoot barks again, dragging me out of my thoughts. His nose pushes against my leg, trying to guide me somewhere. "What? Ok, ok. I'll follow you."
He leads me to a little cottage on the outskirts of town. He nudges open the door and guides me inside to a darkened room. Voices are whispering. I want to speak up, but suddenly a human hand clamps over my mouth.
"Be quiet and listen." Sirius' melodic voices filters through my ear.
I follow his order. As I strain to hear, I make out the voice of James' 18 year old son Harry, and . . .is that Draco Malfoy?
"How can you possibly forgive me for that, Harry? I was awful to you. I hurt your best friend, for Merlin's sake!"
I hear a kissing sound, and what sounds like Draco sighing. Then Harry replies. "I love you, you git. How many times do I have to tell you? You've done many things wrong in your life, but you straightened yourself out. And you're here, in my arms. How can I not forgive you?" A small enchanted light springs up. I can see the two young men embrace, with Draco's face buried in Harry's naked chest.
The whisper is back in my ear as I watch the boys. "Can you see the love there? Draco really did some awful things to Harry. I think you know that from personal experience. Now if Harry can love Draco enough to forgive him all of that, how can I not forgive whatever little thing you think you did? I'm your mate, Remus. You mean more to me than my own life."
I watch as the boys lay on their bed and begin to make love. It still doesn't make sense, though. I could kill him easily. One slip during the wrong time of the month and, forget his forgiveness, I'd never be able to forgive myself.
"I know what you're thinking, my foolish lover. Your wolfish existence has never been an issue for me, and isn't about to become one now. Don't you remember our wedding night?"
As if he had cast a spell, the memories suddenly flood my brain. . .
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James and Lily found out about the attraction between Padfoot and myself quite by accident during our seventh year. They walked into the Gryffindor common room as I paced, alone, reciting aloud how I would approach Sirius and ask him to go out with me.
"Hi, Sirius. Would you like to go to the last year dance with me?"
"I bet he would, if you'd ask him instead of that chair." Lily says gently from somewhere behind me.
I startle and whirl around. "I-I couldn't. I don't even know if he-- well, if he likes boys. I don't want to offend him."
James interjects. "He's not that much of a Muggle. Ask him."
A tall dark figure follows a question into the common room. "Ask who what?"
"Moony has something to ask you, Sirius. We'll see you two in the Great Hall for dinner." James and Lily make their exit with small smiles on their faces.
Sirius smiles at me once the two of them are gone. "So what's going on?"
His smile almost undoes me. I blush furiously, trying to find the words. "I-I, the dance, um I need a date."
"Me, too. Do you have a girl in mind? I don't want to hound in on someone you want to ask out." There he goes again, always considerate of my feelings. I imagine he thinks of me as a little brother. Oh. how can I do this?
I gather my courage. "It, it isn't a girl I want to ask out." My eyes meet his obsidian orbs, where I see a mischevious light begin to form.
"I was hoping you'd say that. I was waiting for you to make the first move. I didn't want to scare you." Sirius's head moves down towards mine and plants a small chaste kiss on my lips. When he straightens, his eyes broadcast a multitude of feelings to me in a split second. Then, the sly humor that is his trademark comes to the front. "So which of us gets to wear the dress?"
I smirk at him. Two can play this game. "You, of course. A slinky black number that will match your eyes."
"As long as you help me take it off later." Sirius leers at me suggestively. I smile at him, but my mind is whirling. This startles me for a minute. I forgot what usually happens after this dance. People most often pair off and don't return until morning. It is said that many wizarding families begin at Hogwarts' last year dance.
I can't let that happen to us. I would gladly choose Sirius as my mate, but I don't want to force his hand. Werewolves mate for life. If I lay with Padfoot that night, I will never have another. If he finds this out, he will do the same, I just know it. Not out of love, but because his sense of honor will force him to choose that path.
To avoid this, I just have to keep that little fact about myself secret. I will, for his sake.
I can't let him get stuck in an unwanted relationship just because of what I am.
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The next few weeks are a jumble of activity getting ready for the dance and our exit from Hogwarts. Sirius and I buy matching red formal robes with gold trim for the dance, while James and Lily decide to go with matching Muggle clothes. We have the OWLS, which stress us all out. I have to avoid my friends so I don't accidentally snap at them.
But finally, the day of the dance dawns. I see the sun shining brightly as I part the curtain around my bed. When my eyes focus, I find in front of me, the sleek, partially-dressed figure of my date for tonight. As if he senses my gaze, he turns around to smile at me. "Morning, Remy. It's a great day to have a dance, isn't it?"
I hide my face to keep him from seeing me blushing. "Yes, it is." I grab my school robes from the dresser and put them on.
When I'm dressed, Sirius grabs my hand. "Wait for me. I want to spend the day with you. We haven't seen much of each other lately. What do you say about a motorcycle ride?"
I startle, not expecting to spend any time with him until later tonight. But how can I resist? I love him, I have for years. So I just nod my head and wait for him to finish dressing.
We spend most of the day wandering around Scotland, stopping every so often to stretch our legs and talk. Most of the time, we talk about little things, but by the end of the day, I realize these little things we speak of are the things that make us what we are, school, friends, plans for the future, hopes and fears.
I am almost reluctant to return to Hogwarts to get ready for the dance, but I know all good things must end. So we go to separate rooms to change. James and I use the bedroom, while Peter and Sirius choose to use one of the bathrooms near the Transfiguration classroom. When we're ready, James leaves to go get Lily, and I'm left alone. I find myself suddenly very afraid that I'll be alone in this room all night, that Sirius will decide he doesn't want to go to the dance with me after all.
But within fifteen minutes, there's a knock on the door. "Moony, are you ready?"
I open the door to see the most glorious riot of red, gold, and black. I just stand there for a minute, taking in the sight or Sirius' gorgeous form.
"Wow, Moony, you look great."
Damn, I have to stop blushing in front of him. "Thanks. You do too."
Lame, Remus. Even you can do better than that. But it seems to be enough for him, because he smiles widely and takes my hand. "Come on. We don't want to be late. I can't wait to find out how you feel dancing in my arms."
I shake my head at him, I can't possibly be as good as he seems to imagine. But he ignores this and pulls me downstairs, and outside to the grassy courtyard where the dance is being held.
Before I can even absorb the sight of the many candles and glittering decorations within the courtyard, Sirius pulls me straight to the dance floor and takes me into his arms.
"Ah, heaven." He sighs and rests his cheek on the top of my head. I have to agree. His warm body pulls me toward it, and I wrap my arms around his waist tightly. never wanting to let go.
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Finally, the dance ends and people begin to go their separate ways. Peter takes his date toward the dormitory, while I see James and Lily sneak off toward Hagrid's cottage. Once they're gone, Sirius pulls me toward the edge of the Forbidden Forest. "Come. I made a little space for us toward the edge of the woods. We'll be safe there."
He leads me to a spot near the creek. There lays a blanket, a basket, and a small enchanted light. "Sit, Remy. I want to talk to you."
Remy, my private nickname. HIS nickname for me. This must be important. I sit on the blanket and look expectantly up at his standing figure.
"Uh, just so you know, I'm not going to..uh, sleep with you tonight." I must look as shocked as I feel because he hurries on with what he's saying. "Don't think I don't want to. I've wanted you practically since I knew what that meant."
He smiles at my credulous look. "Don't let all the girls fool you, Remy. I just went out with them for a good time. I never slept with any of them."
"Why?"
"Because I wanted you. If I would have slept with them, I would have been betraying what I feel for you."
I stand up at that. "YOu can't possibly. . ."
Sirius backs me against a tree trunk, locking me there with his eyes. "I was going to ask you to the dance that night you asked me. I knew then that that the dance was my only chance to have you. I have been in love with you so long, Remy. I knew if you went with someone else, my chance with you would have been lost forever. But you asked me. . ."
"Your only chance? Padfoot, I don't. . ."
Sirius puts a finger up to my lips. "I read up on werewolves, you know, when I found out you were one. 'Werewolves mate for life.' all the books said."
Tears fill my eyes. He knows. He doesn't want to be committed to me, though. Otherwise, he would have. . .
Sirius stops my thought with a kiss. Not the chaste little kiss that we shared before, but a full, hot, searching kiss. "Stop thinking, Remus. I can hear the wheels turning. I love you. I want you. I want forever, you git. But I want you to be sure. You don't get a second chance, so I want to make sure you're ready before we take the leap."
I hold him tightly to me. "But. . ."
"Not now, Remy, my love. It's too soon. Think about it some more. I'll wait for as long as it takes, even if it takes forever." He pulls me to rest against him. "Take as long as you need."
We spend the rest of the night talking and eating food from the basket, just basking under the stars.
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My mind drifts back to the present. In the weak light, I can see Sirius waiting for me to speak. "I remember you not rushing me after the dance."
"Ah, my Remy, always the contrary one. I ask you to remember our wedding night, and you remember something else." He chuckles, then looks toward the bed. "Come on, let's get out of here before we startle the boys."
He grabs a set of robes from the floor nearby and puts them on. "Now that I can walk around in the daylight without repercussion, I find myself more often in canine form, chasing you around."
We step out into the daylight. "What have I done wrong, Remus? How do I get you back?"
I turn away from him. "Sirius, you don't want me! I can never be as smart, cunning, or lovable as you want."
Sirius growls at me and turns me so my back is against a nearby tree. "I want you! That's all! You!" His head moves toward mine and his lips devour.
Want, that's all. Where did the love go? I sink to the ground, and remember the remnants of our love.
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Sirius insisted we have our wedding ceremony the afternoon before the full moon. I thought it was because that's when our friendship really took off, during the full moon. But with Sirius, things are rarely that straight-forward.
We held the ceremony in the grassy courtyard used for the last year dance at Hogwarts. White dogwood flowers float between the air and the ground as my to-be mate and I walk hand-in-hand toward Cornelius Fudge and Albus Dumbledore to make our commitment official.
My ears hear the sounds, but my mind can't listen to the words Fudge says as I am totally absorbed by Sirius in his white formal robes. He looks like an angel, my very own heaven-sent angel. Then he smiles at me, and the devil I know so well appears in his eyes.
But today the devil is tame. He just leers suggestively at me, then clears his throat to begin his vows.
"I, Sirius Steven Black, give myself to you, Remus Javier Lupin, in love. I give you all that I am. I will never want for anything else if you are by my side." Sirius reaches for one of the gold necklaces we chose in lieu of traditional rings. We can wear the necklace in whatever form we are in, and be together forever, in all things.
He places the necklace over my head and kisses the place the moon pendant, carved with the images of a wolf and a dog, falls on my chest.
When he straightens, I reach for the other chain. "I, Remus Javier Lupin, give myself to you, Sirius Steven Black, with all my heart and soul. I give you all of me, the bad and the good because I know you love me no matter what I am. I accept all of you in joy and love."
I place the chain over his head and as it falls, my lips reach for his.
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The reception lasts until dusk. We dance, eat, and neck in corners as often as we can. Soon, though, I can feel the moon pulling at me.
I grab Sirius' hand. "Padfoot. I--"
He looks at me with gentle eyes. "I know, love. Come on, there's a place just outside the shrieking shack I've set up for us."
We say quick goodbyes to James, Lily, Peter and Dumbledore and race down to the shack.
When we get to the clearing beside the shack, I find that Sirius removed the tree branches and other debris that usually littered the area. In its place enchanted green grass grew, soft and luxurious.
"Here, give me your robe. I forgot to bring some extra ones down here, so this is all we have." He takes my white robe from me seconds before I feel the first hairs start sprouting on my chest. I can see him reach for me before the agony of the transformation overwhelms me.
But this time it feels different. It's not just the wolfsbane potion I took this afternoon before the ceremony. Hands are touching my changing muscles, massaging, easing them into the transformation. They don't obliterate the pain, but for once the pain is tolerable.
When my transformation is complete, I lift my muzzle to watch my mate transform into my much-loved full moon companion.
When his change is also completed, he pushes his muzzle against mine, as if to say was that ok? I nuzzle and lick at his sensitive ears in response. I never thought anyone could, let alone would, help me through the awful pain I suffer each month. Leave it to Sirius to do the unthinkable.
After all the hoopla of the ceremony today, I find myself with less energy than I usually have in this form. After a few short wrestling matches with Padfoot and a hunt for small game to eat, I lay back down in our clearing. Although the night is not much more than half over, I find my head drooping.
My eyes close and I drift. Then, I feel warm hands in my fur. I startle, but am soothed back to my rest by my mate's voice. "Shh, my love. It's just me. It's ok. I know everything wore you out. Sleep. I'll watch over you."
I fall asleep with my muzzle tucked against his chest.
I wake in the sunlight to a dull ache. With a start, I realize the ache is my muscles transforming themselves back into human form. An ache--not screaming agony. I open my eyes to see Sirius' long black hair shielding my eyes from the bright sun. I can feel his hands kneading my back and arms and smoothing them back into their normal shape. When the change is complete, Sirius' face moves next to mine. "How was that?"
"Better than it's ever been before. Thank you." I kiss him gently.
"I'm surprised nobody ever thought of that. I'm glad it worked." His hands move down my chest lightly.
I respond to his touch with a soft moan and reaching arms.
"Remy, we don't have to do this now. I know you're tired and. . ." Concerned eyes meet mine as his hand covers my roaming fingers.
I smile softly. "Thanks to you I'm not half as tired as I usually am. And I'm *hungry*." I growl the word as I reach to nip at his neck.
Padfoot chuckles. "Well then, let me make sure you're well-fed."
His arms wrap around my slim form, and he proceeds to tire me out in the most pleasant of ways.
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When the present returns to me once again, I turn away from Sirius and attempt to flee. I can't take this. He deserves better than me.
But just as I move, a figure steps into the light. Lucius Malfoy. Oh, my. Draco's fath...HARRY!
Sirius must think the same thing, because I watch him rush back into the cottage as I instinctively move to intercept Lucius.
"Well, hello werewolf." Malfoy's sinister grin gets bigger as he moves to stand a few inches from me. "Where is my son?"
Without thinking, I do my best to protect Harry and his mate. "I don't know, Malfoy. Why don't you go find some other place to darken with your presence?"
"Give me my son, you sorry excuse for a wizard." Malfoy pulls out his wand. Before I can reach my wand, I hear Draco yell from the cottage doorway.
"Dad, no!" Suddenly, Sirius runs into the elder Malfoy, knocking him flat on the ground. Lucius scrambles as he loses his wand. I reach to grab it, but his hand pulls mine away, and he grasps it tightly and points it at me.
"Disthymium oblitera!" As the spell hits me, I feel the weight caused by my depression double, then triple. I drop to the ground, exhausted all of a sudden. Vaguely, I can hear Sirius shouting and footsteps running nearby.
Then someone rolls me to my back and my clothes are quickly stripped from me.
"I hope I'm not too late." Sirius' voice just adds to the weight holding me down. I can no longer think, I just want to die and end this mental anguish.
Instead of the death I so wish for, a warm soft mouth covers mine almost brutally. Hands grasp at my naked flesh. Warmth slowly melts the weight away from my mind as his rough caresses bring my body to life.
"I love you. I always did and I always will. Harry told me what's been bothering you. I don't care that you almost hurt Harry and his friends, you git. It was a mistake. They shouldn't have been near you during the change." As he says this, his cock grinds into my hip. The warmth from it ignites my own arousal. I grasp his hair as my cock hardens.
"Why did you wait do long to come after me, then?" My teeth nip at his sensitive earlobe.
He hisses and rolls us so I'm looking down at him. "I wanted my name cleared before we were together again. Those fucking Dementors could've killed you."
His mouth sucks on my nipple, cutting off my reply. When I finally can breathe again, I grind my hips roughly into his. "I am a DADA teacher, you fool. I can take care of myself."
"I was going to get you before Peter tried to murder Harry, but Draco said something was wrong with you. So I watched you instead, just in case something was wrong with the change. I didn't want you accidentally killing me. I only figured what was wrong when you tried to kill yourself in the forest." Sirius spreads his legs and lifts his hips toward me. He pulls me, trying to impale himself with my erection.
I put my hands on his chest, slowing his movements. "Padfoot, what are you doing? I could hurt you like this."
"Didn't you hear Malfoy cast that spell? You're under the spell for obliterating mental anguish. The best way to cure it--"
"Is total and encompassing love." My eyes shine down on him. I slowly realize what a fool I've been. He loves me. For what I am, flaws and everything.
I position myself above him, waiting. "Remy, if you don't get inside me in the next minute, I'm going to--OHHH!"
Muttering a quick lubricating spell, I thrust inside my mate. As our bodies join, the remnants of Malfoy's spell and my own depression crumble. I gasp as Sirius clutches at me, both of us lost in the maelstrom of emotion and sensation.
Our rhythm builds quickly. We have been denied this for too long for it to last. Soon, we tumble over the edge of our sensual bliss and fall into each other's arms.
When my senses become reattuned to the world around us, I hear chuckling not far away. "I think it might be good for your father to see what real love looks like."
A laughing reply. "Ok. Why not a repeat performance then, starring you and me?"
I hear a happy affirmative, and the door of the cottage softly shutting.
Sirius kisses my hair as the happy noises from Harry and Draco fade. "I have a room at the Leaky Cauldron. You want to go there, and repeat our own performance?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
We gather our clothes and go to the inn to do just that.
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:) All done. Whatcha think?
I like seeing things from differing pov's..geez I wonder what Harry was thinking through all of this. Anyone want to give it a shot?
AUTHOR: Ladyhawk
EMAIL ADDRESS: funger1@netscape.net
RATING: R
Fandom: Harry Potter
PAIRING: Sirius/Remus and some Harry/Draco
SUMMARY: Remus is depressed and on the edge.
DISCLAIMER: I can't write that well, sorry. She owns them.
Feedback? PULEEZE
Hear Me, Feel Me
by Ladyhawk (funger1@netscape.net)
If I put my wand just so on this tree stump, I should be able to perform the dissipating spell on myself, and this will all be over. No more pain, no more worrying if I'm going to kill someone next time I change. Nobody will worry if I'm gone. It'll be nice to finally get some rest. .
I balance the wand on the stump, trying to arrange it so the spell will be as painless as possible. I've had enough of pain. . .
But before I can say the words to start the spell, a dog, a big, black, very familiar dog grabs the wand off the stump and glares at me.
Anger boils over in me. He can't understand. He can't possibly know how hard life is for me. Can't he just leave me alone? "Go away, Sirius."
The animagus changes back to human form as the summer wind drifts around us. Within a few minutes, a tall, dark-haired, naked man sits on the tree stump, holding my wand. He has the same glaring anger in his eyes that he had in his other form.
That beloved voice tears daggers in my ears as he starts shouting at me. "What in Merlin's name were you thinking, Moony? It's over. Peter's dead, Harry's safe. What is it that's driving you this far? AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT?"
He holds my wand tightly in his hands as he speaks. He seems to have no regard for his nakedness, but I can't help but admire his sleek, long form.
I must have stared for a few minutes without realizing because Sirius stands up and approaches me. "Well, Moony? Talk to me."
Suddenly, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can't do this. I can't! I need to get away. I've treated him badly the last couple months. I've sulked, I've cried, I've avoided him. Now my actions are going to cost me everything I ever had with him.
I know what he's going to say. He's going to say I'm not good enough. I was never good enough. I back away, retreating into the forest behind me.
I hear a sigh. My oversensitive ears make out the most unexpected words from his mouth as I duck out of sight.
"I will help you, Remus, my love, my mate. By all that is good, I will find a way to get through to you. I wish I knew why you got this way. Was it because I was arrested and taken to Azkaban? What can I do to help you. ." His voice fades as he walks away.
I break down and cry and wonder why he is so good to me. A fucked-up, weak, dangerous werewolf like me.
As tears roll down my face, I remember. It all started in this forest not too far from here. . .
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"I'm telling you, I saw him enter the forest somewhere around here. We have to find him. There's no telling what could eat him or. . ."
As I wake up from the sleep the change always drops me into, this voice reaches my ears. Melodic, soft, sounding like the person's straining to get the most out of life through the quick, intense rhythm of it. I know that voice. I hear it every day, but I'm too tired to place it.
Suddenly, the bushes around me shift. I look up into the shocked face of my roommate, James Potter. "Sirius, he's over here."
That voice is back, and suddenly, I know. My other roommate, the smart, funny, and craziest first-year at Hogwarts. "Is he ok? Do we need to get Madame Pomfrey?"
I blush at James. He staring at my scrawny, naked body, trying not to stare. I shake my head at him in answer to Sirius' question as he takes off his school robe and covers me with it.
Sirius sticks his head between the bushes. "Remy, you git. You scared me to death when I saw you walk in here last night. I wanted to come after you then, but we ran into Dumbledore on our way here. For some reason, he said to stay in last night, but that we could come in search of you in the morning."
Tears roll down my cheeks. Nobody ever worried about me before. My parents, they would lock me up during the change. They would only do what they had to to take care of me the rest of the time. But these boys. . .these boys that barely know me. . .
"Oh my!" I look up to see Sirius' aristocratic dark features focused on my shoulder, my scarred shoulder. His words astound me. "Did it hurt? Changing into a werewolf? You must've gotten something tangled in your fur last night, 'cause there's something caught in your hair." He reaches out to me. "Here, I'll get it out. You know, you should've really had someone keeping an eye on you last night. We don't know what stuff in the forest eats humans, let alone wolves."
I let this monologue wash over me, until it finally sinks in. They don't care! I can see by the nodding of James' head to Sirius' comments and the intense look on both of their faces that yes, they know what I am, but no, they don't think less of me because of it.
It's still hard to believe, though. "But, but, you don't want to be around me. What if I hurt you? what if. . ."
James covers my mouth with his gentle hand. "The wolf part is over, right?" I nod, cautiously. "Well then, I guess you're back to being the smart, mischevious, inventive, and great boy that you were yesterday afternoon. Now why wouldn't we want to be around you?"
Sirius comes to sit next to me on the mossy ground. "Yeah. I wish I could be around you when you're a wolf too, you know, to keep an eye on you. I saw a werewolf when I was eight. She changed right in front of me. We were at the end of a forest, but near a busy Muggle street. I guess she couldn't remember to stay away from the Muggle cars when she was a wolf because she tried to get across the street, and. . .well, I don't want that to happen to you, too."
I shakily reach out my hand to hold his, to try to erase the fear I see in his eyes. Not fear OF me, but fear FOR me. "I--I talked to Professor Dumbledore last month. He says he's working on getting me a safe spot. Until then, he says he enchants the area I'm in so he can watch me."
"So I do. Hello, boys." Professor Dumbledore's smiling face looms over the bushes in front of us. "Here, Remus, I brought you your robes. Boys, can you walk him back? I'm going to be late for a meeting if I don't hurry, and I know Remus needs to take it slowly today."
"Yes, sir!" Two voices echo as Sirius grabs my robes from the professor and helps me into them as James puts his back on. As we get up to walk back to the castle I feel something soft in my hair. Sirius' voice carries down to me from the top of my head. "I like you, we both like you. You're one of us now, and we protect our own. Don't ever forget that."
That day, I walked into the best friendships of my entire life, with the help of the steadying arms of my two new best friends.
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I walk through Hogsmeade with a small smile on my face. Even though I've destroyed anything I could ever have with Padfoot, I have some wonderful memories. Too bad it's not enough to live from. I wish he could still love me, but I know, from my being a werewolf, and putting the whole school of Hogwarts in danger, that nobody could really love me. . .
Just then, something cold hit the back of my ankle. I looked down to see the black dog I used to call my mate staring up at me silently.
I shake my head at him sadly. "Go away, Padfoot. You don't want to be with me. I cause pain for everyone around me. Please, I don't want you hurt, too."
Padfoot sits down and barks at me. Even though he can't speak, I can hear his other voice in my head trying to negate everything I just said. But I know it's true. . .
Padfoot barks again, dragging me out of my thoughts. His nose pushes against my leg, trying to guide me somewhere. "What? Ok, ok. I'll follow you."
He leads me to a little cottage on the outskirts of town. He nudges open the door and guides me inside to a darkened room. Voices are whispering. I want to speak up, but suddenly a human hand clamps over my mouth.
"Be quiet and listen." Sirius' melodic voices filters through my ear.
I follow his order. As I strain to hear, I make out the voice of James' 18 year old son Harry, and . . .is that Draco Malfoy?
"How can you possibly forgive me for that, Harry? I was awful to you. I hurt your best friend, for Merlin's sake!"
I hear a kissing sound, and what sounds like Draco sighing. Then Harry replies. "I love you, you git. How many times do I have to tell you? You've done many things wrong in your life, but you straightened yourself out. And you're here, in my arms. How can I not forgive you?" A small enchanted light springs up. I can see the two young men embrace, with Draco's face buried in Harry's naked chest.
The whisper is back in my ear as I watch the boys. "Can you see the love there? Draco really did some awful things to Harry. I think you know that from personal experience. Now if Harry can love Draco enough to forgive him all of that, how can I not forgive whatever little thing you think you did? I'm your mate, Remus. You mean more to me than my own life."
I watch as the boys lay on their bed and begin to make love. It still doesn't make sense, though. I could kill him easily. One slip during the wrong time of the month and, forget his forgiveness, I'd never be able to forgive myself.
"I know what you're thinking, my foolish lover. Your wolfish existence has never been an issue for me, and isn't about to become one now. Don't you remember our wedding night?"
As if he had cast a spell, the memories suddenly flood my brain. . .
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James and Lily found out about the attraction between Padfoot and myself quite by accident during our seventh year. They walked into the Gryffindor common room as I paced, alone, reciting aloud how I would approach Sirius and ask him to go out with me.
"Hi, Sirius. Would you like to go to the last year dance with me?"
"I bet he would, if you'd ask him instead of that chair." Lily says gently from somewhere behind me.
I startle and whirl around. "I-I couldn't. I don't even know if he-- well, if he likes boys. I don't want to offend him."
James interjects. "He's not that much of a Muggle. Ask him."
A tall dark figure follows a question into the common room. "Ask who what?"
"Moony has something to ask you, Sirius. We'll see you two in the Great Hall for dinner." James and Lily make their exit with small smiles on their faces.
Sirius smiles at me once the two of them are gone. "So what's going on?"
His smile almost undoes me. I blush furiously, trying to find the words. "I-I, the dance, um I need a date."
"Me, too. Do you have a girl in mind? I don't want to hound in on someone you want to ask out." There he goes again, always considerate of my feelings. I imagine he thinks of me as a little brother. Oh. how can I do this?
I gather my courage. "It, it isn't a girl I want to ask out." My eyes meet his obsidian orbs, where I see a mischevious light begin to form.
"I was hoping you'd say that. I was waiting for you to make the first move. I didn't want to scare you." Sirius's head moves down towards mine and plants a small chaste kiss on my lips. When he straightens, his eyes broadcast a multitude of feelings to me in a split second. Then, the sly humor that is his trademark comes to the front. "So which of us gets to wear the dress?"
I smirk at him. Two can play this game. "You, of course. A slinky black number that will match your eyes."
"As long as you help me take it off later." Sirius leers at me suggestively. I smile at him, but my mind is whirling. This startles me for a minute. I forgot what usually happens after this dance. People most often pair off and don't return until morning. It is said that many wizarding families begin at Hogwarts' last year dance.
I can't let that happen to us. I would gladly choose Sirius as my mate, but I don't want to force his hand. Werewolves mate for life. If I lay with Padfoot that night, I will never have another. If he finds this out, he will do the same, I just know it. Not out of love, but because his sense of honor will force him to choose that path.
To avoid this, I just have to keep that little fact about myself secret. I will, for his sake.
I can't let him get stuck in an unwanted relationship just because of what I am.
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The next few weeks are a jumble of activity getting ready for the dance and our exit from Hogwarts. Sirius and I buy matching red formal robes with gold trim for the dance, while James and Lily decide to go with matching Muggle clothes. We have the OWLS, which stress us all out. I have to avoid my friends so I don't accidentally snap at them.
But finally, the day of the dance dawns. I see the sun shining brightly as I part the curtain around my bed. When my eyes focus, I find in front of me, the sleek, partially-dressed figure of my date for tonight. As if he senses my gaze, he turns around to smile at me. "Morning, Remy. It's a great day to have a dance, isn't it?"
I hide my face to keep him from seeing me blushing. "Yes, it is." I grab my school robes from the dresser and put them on.
When I'm dressed, Sirius grabs my hand. "Wait for me. I want to spend the day with you. We haven't seen much of each other lately. What do you say about a motorcycle ride?"
I startle, not expecting to spend any time with him until later tonight. But how can I resist? I love him, I have for years. So I just nod my head and wait for him to finish dressing.
We spend most of the day wandering around Scotland, stopping every so often to stretch our legs and talk. Most of the time, we talk about little things, but by the end of the day, I realize these little things we speak of are the things that make us what we are, school, friends, plans for the future, hopes and fears.
I am almost reluctant to return to Hogwarts to get ready for the dance, but I know all good things must end. So we go to separate rooms to change. James and I use the bedroom, while Peter and Sirius choose to use one of the bathrooms near the Transfiguration classroom. When we're ready, James leaves to go get Lily, and I'm left alone. I find myself suddenly very afraid that I'll be alone in this room all night, that Sirius will decide he doesn't want to go to the dance with me after all.
But within fifteen minutes, there's a knock on the door. "Moony, are you ready?"
I open the door to see the most glorious riot of red, gold, and black. I just stand there for a minute, taking in the sight or Sirius' gorgeous form.
"Wow, Moony, you look great."
Damn, I have to stop blushing in front of him. "Thanks. You do too."
Lame, Remus. Even you can do better than that. But it seems to be enough for him, because he smiles widely and takes my hand. "Come on. We don't want to be late. I can't wait to find out how you feel dancing in my arms."
I shake my head at him, I can't possibly be as good as he seems to imagine. But he ignores this and pulls me downstairs, and outside to the grassy courtyard where the dance is being held.
Before I can even absorb the sight of the many candles and glittering decorations within the courtyard, Sirius pulls me straight to the dance floor and takes me into his arms.
"Ah, heaven." He sighs and rests his cheek on the top of my head. I have to agree. His warm body pulls me toward it, and I wrap my arms around his waist tightly. never wanting to let go.
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Finally, the dance ends and people begin to go their separate ways. Peter takes his date toward the dormitory, while I see James and Lily sneak off toward Hagrid's cottage. Once they're gone, Sirius pulls me toward the edge of the Forbidden Forest. "Come. I made a little space for us toward the edge of the woods. We'll be safe there."
He leads me to a spot near the creek. There lays a blanket, a basket, and a small enchanted light. "Sit, Remy. I want to talk to you."
Remy, my private nickname. HIS nickname for me. This must be important. I sit on the blanket and look expectantly up at his standing figure.
"Uh, just so you know, I'm not going to..uh, sleep with you tonight." I must look as shocked as I feel because he hurries on with what he's saying. "Don't think I don't want to. I've wanted you practically since I knew what that meant."
He smiles at my credulous look. "Don't let all the girls fool you, Remy. I just went out with them for a good time. I never slept with any of them."
"Why?"
"Because I wanted you. If I would have slept with them, I would have been betraying what I feel for you."
I stand up at that. "YOu can't possibly. . ."
Sirius backs me against a tree trunk, locking me there with his eyes. "I was going to ask you to the dance that night you asked me. I knew then that that the dance was my only chance to have you. I have been in love with you so long, Remy. I knew if you went with someone else, my chance with you would have been lost forever. But you asked me. . ."
"Your only chance? Padfoot, I don't. . ."
Sirius puts a finger up to my lips. "I read up on werewolves, you know, when I found out you were one. 'Werewolves mate for life.' all the books said."
Tears fill my eyes. He knows. He doesn't want to be committed to me, though. Otherwise, he would have. . .
Sirius stops my thought with a kiss. Not the chaste little kiss that we shared before, but a full, hot, searching kiss. "Stop thinking, Remus. I can hear the wheels turning. I love you. I want you. I want forever, you git. But I want you to be sure. You don't get a second chance, so I want to make sure you're ready before we take the leap."
I hold him tightly to me. "But. . ."
"Not now, Remy, my love. It's too soon. Think about it some more. I'll wait for as long as it takes, even if it takes forever." He pulls me to rest against him. "Take as long as you need."
We spend the rest of the night talking and eating food from the basket, just basking under the stars.
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My mind drifts back to the present. In the weak light, I can see Sirius waiting for me to speak. "I remember you not rushing me after the dance."
"Ah, my Remy, always the contrary one. I ask you to remember our wedding night, and you remember something else." He chuckles, then looks toward the bed. "Come on, let's get out of here before we startle the boys."
He grabs a set of robes from the floor nearby and puts them on. "Now that I can walk around in the daylight without repercussion, I find myself more often in canine form, chasing you around."
We step out into the daylight. "What have I done wrong, Remus? How do I get you back?"
I turn away from him. "Sirius, you don't want me! I can never be as smart, cunning, or lovable as you want."
Sirius growls at me and turns me so my back is against a nearby tree. "I want you! That's all! You!" His head moves toward mine and his lips devour.
Want, that's all. Where did the love go? I sink to the ground, and remember the remnants of our love.
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Sirius insisted we have our wedding ceremony the afternoon before the full moon. I thought it was because that's when our friendship really took off, during the full moon. But with Sirius, things are rarely that straight-forward.
We held the ceremony in the grassy courtyard used for the last year dance at Hogwarts. White dogwood flowers float between the air and the ground as my to-be mate and I walk hand-in-hand toward Cornelius Fudge and Albus Dumbledore to make our commitment official.
My ears hear the sounds, but my mind can't listen to the words Fudge says as I am totally absorbed by Sirius in his white formal robes. He looks like an angel, my very own heaven-sent angel. Then he smiles at me, and the devil I know so well appears in his eyes.
But today the devil is tame. He just leers suggestively at me, then clears his throat to begin his vows.
"I, Sirius Steven Black, give myself to you, Remus Javier Lupin, in love. I give you all that I am. I will never want for anything else if you are by my side." Sirius reaches for one of the gold necklaces we chose in lieu of traditional rings. We can wear the necklace in whatever form we are in, and be together forever, in all things.
He places the necklace over my head and kisses the place the moon pendant, carved with the images of a wolf and a dog, falls on my chest.
When he straightens, I reach for the other chain. "I, Remus Javier Lupin, give myself to you, Sirius Steven Black, with all my heart and soul. I give you all of me, the bad and the good because I know you love me no matter what I am. I accept all of you in joy and love."
I place the chain over his head and as it falls, my lips reach for his.
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The reception lasts until dusk. We dance, eat, and neck in corners as often as we can. Soon, though, I can feel the moon pulling at me.
I grab Sirius' hand. "Padfoot. I--"
He looks at me with gentle eyes. "I know, love. Come on, there's a place just outside the shrieking shack I've set up for us."
We say quick goodbyes to James, Lily, Peter and Dumbledore and race down to the shack.
When we get to the clearing beside the shack, I find that Sirius removed the tree branches and other debris that usually littered the area. In its place enchanted green grass grew, soft and luxurious.
"Here, give me your robe. I forgot to bring some extra ones down here, so this is all we have." He takes my white robe from me seconds before I feel the first hairs start sprouting on my chest. I can see him reach for me before the agony of the transformation overwhelms me.
But this time it feels different. It's not just the wolfsbane potion I took this afternoon before the ceremony. Hands are touching my changing muscles, massaging, easing them into the transformation. They don't obliterate the pain, but for once the pain is tolerable.
When my transformation is complete, I lift my muzzle to watch my mate transform into my much-loved full moon companion.
When his change is also completed, he pushes his muzzle against mine, as if to say was that ok? I nuzzle and lick at his sensitive ears in response. I never thought anyone could, let alone would, help me through the awful pain I suffer each month. Leave it to Sirius to do the unthinkable.
After all the hoopla of the ceremony today, I find myself with less energy than I usually have in this form. After a few short wrestling matches with Padfoot and a hunt for small game to eat, I lay back down in our clearing. Although the night is not much more than half over, I find my head drooping.
My eyes close and I drift. Then, I feel warm hands in my fur. I startle, but am soothed back to my rest by my mate's voice. "Shh, my love. It's just me. It's ok. I know everything wore you out. Sleep. I'll watch over you."
I fall asleep with my muzzle tucked against his chest.
I wake in the sunlight to a dull ache. With a start, I realize the ache is my muscles transforming themselves back into human form. An ache--not screaming agony. I open my eyes to see Sirius' long black hair shielding my eyes from the bright sun. I can feel his hands kneading my back and arms and smoothing them back into their normal shape. When the change is complete, Sirius' face moves next to mine. "How was that?"
"Better than it's ever been before. Thank you." I kiss him gently.
"I'm surprised nobody ever thought of that. I'm glad it worked." His hands move down my chest lightly.
I respond to his touch with a soft moan and reaching arms.
"Remy, we don't have to do this now. I know you're tired and. . ." Concerned eyes meet mine as his hand covers my roaming fingers.
I smile softly. "Thanks to you I'm not half as tired as I usually am. And I'm *hungry*." I growl the word as I reach to nip at his neck.
Padfoot chuckles. "Well then, let me make sure you're well-fed."
His arms wrap around my slim form, and he proceeds to tire me out in the most pleasant of ways.
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When the present returns to me once again, I turn away from Sirius and attempt to flee. I can't take this. He deserves better than me.
But just as I move, a figure steps into the light. Lucius Malfoy. Oh, my. Draco's fath...HARRY!
Sirius must think the same thing, because I watch him rush back into the cottage as I instinctively move to intercept Lucius.
"Well, hello werewolf." Malfoy's sinister grin gets bigger as he moves to stand a few inches from me. "Where is my son?"
Without thinking, I do my best to protect Harry and his mate. "I don't know, Malfoy. Why don't you go find some other place to darken with your presence?"
"Give me my son, you sorry excuse for a wizard." Malfoy pulls out his wand. Before I can reach my wand, I hear Draco yell from the cottage doorway.
"Dad, no!" Suddenly, Sirius runs into the elder Malfoy, knocking him flat on the ground. Lucius scrambles as he loses his wand. I reach to grab it, but his hand pulls mine away, and he grasps it tightly and points it at me.
"Disthymium oblitera!" As the spell hits me, I feel the weight caused by my depression double, then triple. I drop to the ground, exhausted all of a sudden. Vaguely, I can hear Sirius shouting and footsteps running nearby.
Then someone rolls me to my back and my clothes are quickly stripped from me.
"I hope I'm not too late." Sirius' voice just adds to the weight holding me down. I can no longer think, I just want to die and end this mental anguish.
Instead of the death I so wish for, a warm soft mouth covers mine almost brutally. Hands grasp at my naked flesh. Warmth slowly melts the weight away from my mind as his rough caresses bring my body to life.
"I love you. I always did and I always will. Harry told me what's been bothering you. I don't care that you almost hurt Harry and his friends, you git. It was a mistake. They shouldn't have been near you during the change." As he says this, his cock grinds into my hip. The warmth from it ignites my own arousal. I grasp his hair as my cock hardens.
"Why did you wait do long to come after me, then?" My teeth nip at his sensitive earlobe.
He hisses and rolls us so I'm looking down at him. "I wanted my name cleared before we were together again. Those fucking Dementors could've killed you."
His mouth sucks on my nipple, cutting off my reply. When I finally can breathe again, I grind my hips roughly into his. "I am a DADA teacher, you fool. I can take care of myself."
"I was going to get you before Peter tried to murder Harry, but Draco said something was wrong with you. So I watched you instead, just in case something was wrong with the change. I didn't want you accidentally killing me. I only figured what was wrong when you tried to kill yourself in the forest." Sirius spreads his legs and lifts his hips toward me. He pulls me, trying to impale himself with my erection.
I put my hands on his chest, slowing his movements. "Padfoot, what are you doing? I could hurt you like this."
"Didn't you hear Malfoy cast that spell? You're under the spell for obliterating mental anguish. The best way to cure it--"
"Is total and encompassing love." My eyes shine down on him. I slowly realize what a fool I've been. He loves me. For what I am, flaws and everything.
I position myself above him, waiting. "Remy, if you don't get inside me in the next minute, I'm going to--OHHH!"
Muttering a quick lubricating spell, I thrust inside my mate. As our bodies join, the remnants of Malfoy's spell and my own depression crumble. I gasp as Sirius clutches at me, both of us lost in the maelstrom of emotion and sensation.
Our rhythm builds quickly. We have been denied this for too long for it to last. Soon, we tumble over the edge of our sensual bliss and fall into each other's arms.
When my senses become reattuned to the world around us, I hear chuckling not far away. "I think it might be good for your father to see what real love looks like."
A laughing reply. "Ok. Why not a repeat performance then, starring you and me?"
I hear a happy affirmative, and the door of the cottage softly shutting.
Sirius kisses my hair as the happy noises from Harry and Draco fade. "I have a room at the Leaky Cauldron. You want to go there, and repeat our own performance?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
We gather our clothes and go to the inn to do just that.
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:) All done. Whatcha think?
I like seeing things from differing pov's..geez I wonder what Harry was thinking through all of this. Anyone want to give it a shot?