The rain is supposed to be cold. I should be shivering. My hands should've been crinkled by now. But no, that would never happen again. I could never be physically cold. My skin won't crinkle. I won't be sick after this. No one would look for me here in this marsh. No one would be worried. Hmm but maybe Seth would…
I wrapped my arms around me as I sat naked in the middle of the woods. Compared to La Push, I am more at peace here. I can concentrate on the sound of nature and not be bothered by anything else. Ha, what irony. Only in my beast environment can I be more human. More human than I can ever be. Here, I can freely be myself. I don't need a mask to cover up my wounds. Here I can love you. Without having to face the fact that I no longer can't.
It always seems to me that one day I'll wake up from this horrible nightmare, that one morning I can wake up normal again. If only those blood suckers never existed. How can that girl love them? She doesn't how hard it is for us to exist like this just because they had to exist. To be more alive than any other living creature. I hear them. ALL of them. With my great sense of hearing and sight I can be aware of almost anything within the radius. But what can I benefit in that? I never wanted to be this monster. I never wanted to be a werewolf.
Sunlight was finally seeping through the crooked branches high above. The rain has stopped. I've always loved the smell of the woods after the rain. Everything seems to be highlighted. All the leaves and flowers are covered with tiny droplets of rain. I stood up carefully from where I sat and walked over to where my clothes were.
They were carefully wrapped in plastic, ready for a sudden pour of rain. In this vast wilderness, these clothes are the only sign of humanity, a thing that does not belong. Its alien compared to the mossy barks and the quick movements of the small animals. I am this clothes. In the world of the wild, I am something that is more that what is created; in the world of humans, I am a monster.
All I ever want to do now is run. Run as fast as, no. Run even faster than the grey werewolf that can outrun even the biggest wolf in the pact. It is my only salvation. My escape from the inescapable. But even that release is unattainable. To share these longing…? To have her image in my head as I hear my heart break all over again?
I sank once more on my knees, the small branches scraping the sides of my legs. Once again I share my tears with you, sky. And I will surely stay idle like this for a while. Emptying out my heart once more so I can face you without breaking down. So I can look you in the eye and willingly obey your every command. To longer fight my desire and hatred for you. To not love you and somehow still love you as I did once before.
Sam.