THE BEGGAR'S BANQUET:
Being a chapter in the Curious History of The Life and Love ofEDWARD ELRIC AND ROY MUSTANG
On THIS side of the Gateway
In Which Some Are Born
Some are wed
Some Die
And Love Conquers (almost) All…
WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE…
The legacy of Hohenheim of Light has taken its toll on the Elric Brothers and Alphonse's descendants. They do not appear to age more than the forty years that Hohenheim reached-whether this is caused by Hohenheim's altered genetics (see the Manga) or their direct, prolonged contact with the Philosopher's Stone (see the series)is not known. It has made for a life of secrecy, of failed marriages among Al's children and grandchildren and a fierce desire to keep vigil over the dangerous Gate Stones created by Hohenheim in his mad attempts to return to Amestris. The most hazardous of these Gatestones is the foundation of a certain estate outside of Munich, Germany—however there are many others—and whenever someone on the Amestris side or from within the Gateway—begins to meddle with those devices there is always trouble.
Thus, it was decided that the Elric brothers would keep constant vigil over these stones to prevent them being used for the same horrific purposes as the Thule Group. Many societies and governments, covert and not quite so covert, have been attempting to pry out the secrets of the mysterious carved stones…and have been dealt with by the family. To that end, the brothers began to train others to carry the burden, among whom were research assistant Denny Brosh, Al's daughter Trisha, her partner Jean-Remy Havoc, his mother Jeanne-Marie, and Edward's long time lover, Taisa Roy Mustang. That all four of them had once lived in Amestris, died and been reborn on this side of the Gateway, was no coincidence. Al's great-grandson, Edwin Hohenheim Elric, age 14, has been slowly primed for a hopeful future as one of these alchemic students—however, it is beginning to seem that Edwin is capable of making the same sort of impulsive mistakes as his famous uncle.
Several months have passed since the events of "Fifty Trips Around the Sun". The brothers and Mustang have returned safely to Resembool East, their home in Tokyo, and Trisha and the Havocs have joined them in preparation for the birth of the next generation of Elrics….
FALMAN MEMORIAL HIGH, CENTRAL AMESTRIS, 2001
A nasal Eastern voice crackled over the p.a. system: "Mr. Hughes! Paging Mr. Hughes! Please report immediately to the Principal's office. Thank you!"
Two dozen fists shot up in triumph:
"Alllll riiiiigh!"
"Boooyahhhh!"
Freakin'-A!"
"KNOCK
IT OFF!"
Louis 'Loser' Hughes slammed his fist down on his desk, but the
pandemonium didn't subside. "All right, sit down and be quiet!
I'll be right back. In the meantime, I want you to go ahead and
read chapter 22 on the Gateway Invasion of 1917. If you finish in
time, start answering the questions at the end of the chapter. And
your homework assignment—" here came a chorus of groans which
the teacher ignored, "—will be to write a two page essay on
one of the participants in that battle--
"MUSTANG!! I want Mustang! Dibs! I got him, Mr. Hughes!" a
bright eyed brunette shrieked from the back.
"Hey!" "No fair!" "I wanna do the General too!"
" Fine," Mr. Hughes shook his head wearily. "Whatever. Whoever. Two pages. And the questions at the end of the chapter, if you don't finish them before I get back." He snapped his fingers at a lazy looking blond boy in the front row. "Tringham! Get up here and keep order—and get those fPod buds out of your ears right now or I'll confiscate your player."
Soon as the harried history instructor closed the door behind him, Josh Tringham snapped a National Army salute at his back. "Yes, my Fuehrer!" Holding his finger straight along his upper lip to approximate the moustache of dethroned Fuehrer Beast Bradley, he marched comically up to the front of the room before perching on his teacher's desk, ass impudently planted right on top of a brown paper sack containing the crustless white bread sandwich Mr. Hughes had brought for lunch. "Ahhhhh," he ground his butt cheeks down, then held up the sandwich. "Remember this, classmates, when you see His Dorkiness in the cafeteria!"
The room went wild.
Snatching up Loser Hughes' reading glasses and shoving them down the end of his nose, Josh began to ape his instructor. "Now then, claaasssssss! We were discussing St. Mustang the Sarcastic, also known as St. Mustang the Rampant, host of the Big Bradley Barbecue, killer of Ishballan babies, hero of the Gateway Rebellion…Annnnd one of the biggest horn-dogs in our nation's history. Legend has it he had a big ego, a big heart and a big dick to go with it! But what's behind the real Mustang, you ask?" He rubbed his hands together greedily. "Or…should we ask, 'who was the real Mustang behind? Are the awful rumors true? Was he a switch hitter? AC/DC? AM/FM? Did he prefer steak to seafood or was he an omnivore?"
"Ewwww! Mustang wasn't queer!" protested the eager brunette from the back.
"Dude! That's freakin' sick! He wasn't no ass-jockey! I heard he'd knock the boots of any chick he could smile at. They'd roll over like dice!"
Another boy shook his head. "Nah…I heard he and General Hughes were blowin' each other's bugles in the trenches at Ishbal—and that when Hughes got 86'ed ol' Roy-Boy was cryin' like a baby."
A spirited discussion followed, during which the classmates vehemently took sides over the issue of the famous General's sexual preference. Josh let them yammer for a few minutes and then waved his hand for silence. "Ya wanna know the truth, dudes? He was into The Metal Man himself. No shit."
"Whoa! Dude! You mean Ed Elric rode the Mustang? For real?"
"Nahhh. Couldn't be! You're such a bullshitter, Tringham. Just like ol' Russell and yer great granddad."
Josh leaned back against the marker board, arms crossed, coolly waiting for the shouting to die down. "Hey," he said lazily, "If you don't wanna know, ya don't wanna know. All I'm sayin' is," he taunted, "if you DO wanna know about Mustang bone-doggin' the Fullmetal, I'll get ya proof. But it's gonna cost ya."
"How much?"
Tringham's belly growled. "Pizza. Extra sauce. Double anchovies. Make it a large, and it's gotta be from Gluttony's or it's no go, you got that?"
TOKYO, OCTOBER, 2007
Mrs. Ai Watanabe—or Watanabe Ai, if one wanted to be correct—was intercepted on her way to the Elric's penthouse suite by a tall, grinning American who stopped mid-jog to snatch up her parcels before she could lug them another step. "Miz Ai, let me get those for you.—really now, you should let me or Mustang-San carry these for you!"
She blushed as she always did when Tricia-San's boyfriend intercepted when she was trying to get her work done. This bundle was too big, he'd argue, or that shelf is too high. Havoc-San, if he could have his way, would no doubt carry her up the steps on his brawny back and treat her like a porcelain doll, not a woman made strong by a lifetime of hard work. And if he wasn't fussing over her, Mustang-San was hovering over her, pouring her tea, making her favorite hazelnut biscotti and scolding her gently if she was working too hard.
And then there was Alphonse-San…who appeared to be making shy overtures of friendship towards her, and the raucous whirlwind of his brother Edward-San, currently making everybody crazy as he and Mustang-San planned their wedding. Imagine that, she shook her head, two fine men choosing to wed one another and not some lovely, eligible woman! And the lone woman in the household, Alphonse's daughter Tricia was about to pop she was so child heavy. And she appeared to have no intention of marrying Havoc-San—no to mention the whispers that the charming Cajun was not the father of the little girl, due to arrive in just a few weeks.
"That's why we're holding off on the wedding until the spring," Mustang had told her. "I want Teddy as my best man, and her baby's got to be old enough to travel. Obviously we can't get legally married in Japan, and that's what Ed wants." Mustang serenely bombed his coffee cup with more sugar cubes and a heavy dollop of cream. "The U.S. has civil unions in some states and legal marriage in others—but there's all that pesky residency crap to bother with. Hughes is looking into it for us. In the meantime," he mumbled around a mouthful of biscotti, "Ed's still got this ridiculous idea of making me wear a dress, damn it—uh, gomen nasai, Ai-San. I need to watch my language. No need having little Izumi running around cussing like…well, like an Elric."
As if on cue, there was a staccato burst of profanity from the office. "GODmotherFUCKINGdamnit!" Edward roared. "I can't fuckin' believe this! Mustang! Did you see this shit in the paper?"
"Ohhh, there goes His Assholiness again." Mustang put down his coffee cup with a bang. "Better see what's crawled up his butt this time." Forgetting his resolution to curb his foul language, Mustang made his way down the hall, stopping by the tri-level ferret cage that was home to Mustang's pet rat, Einstein. "C'mere, Genius,' he coaxed. "I'm not facing him alone this morning. He's pissier than usual."
Coffee in hand, rat on shoulder, Taisa Roy Mustang confronted his lover. "What, goddamn it?"
Edward thrust the paper at him. "Remember that shithole in the Caribbean where we got engaged last spring?"
Mustang shuddered. La Isla de Ranamuerte—the notorious 'Island of Deadly Frogs'—had been old stomping grounds for Ed's father, Hohenheim of Light, who had created one of several Gateway Portal stones in a remote cave on the island. Suspicious activity lighting up the stone had sent Ed and Taisa to investigate. They'd found themselves booked into the Hope Springs Resort where the famed 'sexual orientation deprogrammer' James Busbee McDonald was on site, holding one of his pricey seminars. Ed had taken a number of gleeful verbal pot-shots at the pudgy author and when he'd learned of McDonald's keeling over from a heart attack, he'd treated his lover to champagne and an hour long blowjob. Since that trip the very mention of frogs or toads—or even the world 'cola' sent Edward in to fits of mean spirited sniggering.
"How the hell would I forget Ranamuerte? What—did they end their war with Jamaica?"
Edward tossed him a toothy, malicious grin. "Yup! And seems like your old friend Paninya has made a goddamn fortune. Ever read about those Peruvian frog drinks? Supposed to be like natural Viagra or something?"
"Yeah? Sounds revolting." It had been all over the 'net—whole frogs were being ground up with white bean broth and aloe vera juice to make this disgusting brew that tourists were swilling down like crazy, claiming that the wretched mess would cure damn near any ills, but impotence in particular."
"Well, Paninya got the wild-assed idea of using kola nut extract instead of bean broth and she's making a killing. Calls the stuff Croaka-Kola. People are paying a packet for this shit on Ebay. She's gone and bought out the Hope Springs—and get this--she's turning it into a Gay resort, specializing in—"
Oh shit, Mustang prayed inwardly. God, Ed—don't say it! "—Gay weddings. Legally sanctioned. So--ya wanna head back to the island?"
"Fuck you!" Mustang spluttered. "I want a divorce!"
RISEMBOOL EAST, TOKYO
"You've got to be shitting me!" Tricia "Teddy" Elric peered over the rims of her Lennonesque eyeglasses and hoisted up both eyebrows in skepticism. "Where the hell did you download this from, Comedy Central?"
Mustang shook his head ruefully. "It gets worse. Read on."
" Right. 'According to those savvy to current health food fads, the frosty concoctions served up for patrons of Le Grenouille, the island's newest watering hole, have taken the glitterati by storm. Available in 'peeper', 'leaper' and 'Bufo' sizes, the Ranamuerte frog smoothies are said to enhance longevity, encourage hair growth and revive sagging virility in men over thirty. Unlike their Peruvian counterpart, frog smoothies are made with spring water, kola nut extract, aloe vera juice, wild honey, cinnamon, nutmeg and, of course, one of five different species of Ranamuertian tree frog.'" She flung the printout at her companion. "Gaaaahhgghh! You mean people pay to drink that shit? And Edo actually wants you two to go back and get married at this place??"
Chuckling evilly, Mustang resumed reading in her stead. " It says that Paninya—that's the woman Ed and I met when we were on the island last February—has been bombarded with letters worldwide from animal right's activists, but she says that she makes certain the frogs are actually dead before they get tossed in the blender. 'I snatch 'em out of the tank, smack 'em on the head with a brick, then skin 'em, gut 'em, rinse 'em in 151 rum and then pop 'em in the mix, bones and all. I use the ice crushing setting, so everything grinds up nice and smooth. Shot o' rum splashed in, and we got you in business, mon!' And get this—they've specials, like 'Croak Til' Ya Choke Tuesdays' with Tadpole Tapas, Bufo Buffalo Kickers, Toadstadas—"
"—stop! You're gonna make me puke!"
"—grilled tadpolish sausage, Hoppin' John that really hops, and—where are you going?"
"Okay," he told her contritely. "I wasn't trying to make you sick. Are you all right?"
She jammed an Altoid in her mouth to kill the taste. "Fine and dandy," she grumbled. "By the way, where the hell is your husband-to-be? Working on wedding plans?"
"Actually, Alphonse and I ganged up on Ed this morning about starting the Elric chronicles. Now that Havoc and I have started formally studying alchemy and your nephew will be ready in a few years, it's more important than ever that we record the family's history. Besides, I'm using your baby as the perfect excuse."
"Huh?"
"Ed kept bitching that he didn't know how to start. I told him 'fine, just write a letter to Izumi. Tell her about the world she's about to be born into, the people who will be part of her life."
Teddy looked pensive. "All of it? Even…about the Colonel?"
Mustang squeezed her hand. "Yeah. All of it. I mean," he qualified, "I know you and Havoc will tell her first—but she might need to hear it from a different point of view."
Dear Izumi Jean:
Alchemic histories are pretty boring, at least the stuff about who did what to whom, y'know. I'm used to your mom doing my ghost writing for me, but she's gotten all Elric-stubborn and tells me I have to do this myself, since I'm the head of the family on this side of the Gateway. She says I owe it to you—says the least I can do is record our history up to this point.
Okay, kid—for the record, it's the Earth year 2007. That's 2001 in Amestris, 'cause for some damned reason we seem to be about six years apart in time. Don't ask me to explain it.
Now, notice I said Earth year/Amestris year. Imagine that you're standing in a hallway and there's a door to your right and a door to your left. The door on the right is Earth, the world you were born and grew up in. The door on the left is Amestris, where Alphonse and I come from. The hall in the middle? That's what we call The Gateway. It isn't hell, and it certainly ain't heaven…but it's something kinda like BOTH, if that makes sense. There's an intelligence that runs the show that hangs out in the hallway. We don't call It 'god' or whatever. If you ever see It (hope to fuck you don't!) and ask It, It will tell you It is TRUTH…and then It will say, "And I am YOU". That will undoubtedly freak you out, and that's cool. That's how the game is played.
There are families of souls that live within the Gateway—the fancy name is Eggregore, if ya wanna get technical. They don't just spend Timeless Eternity sitting on their asses. Some of 'em do bad things. Some of 'em do good stuff. Some make changes in history on both sides in order to help souls to evolve. And some of 'em are trying to clear up the mistakes they made on earth.
Guess which kinda Eggregore you belong to??
Sucks, doesn't it?
It's my Dad's fault—he is/was a soul called Phillip Von Hohenheim. Born on the Earth side, but wound up in Amestris, where he learned not only to use alchemy but to abuse it. Yep, our illustrious family founder was a multi-world-class fuckup.
Long story short, he spent about 400 years in Amestris and wound up back on Earth, leaving me and my brother Alphonse behind. When he got on this side, he tried to make a bunch of escape routes—call 'em Gateway Stones or Portal Stones. If an Elric on the Earth side touches one at the same time an Elric in Amestris—OR in the Gateway—touches it, BOOM! The Stone becomes an open door and you can change worlds.
Sounds neat, eh? There's a catch, of course. You gotta pay admission for the trip—there's a sacrifice demanded of you. Something will be taken from you—and it isn't always material. And depending on how things go, you MIGHT have something given back that you lost—Izumi, you are the direct result of that exchange. When your mom, Tricia, and your grandfather Alphonse came back from their trip to Amestris this year, all the organs she lost to cancer were returned to her. Your mom had sacrificed more than she had received and TRUTH balanced the debt by giving her back everything she lost, meaning that she could have kids again. That's where she got you—but let me get back to this history, okay?
Oh, and speaking of history—those damned Portals don't always run on the same chronological timetable as we do. When Tricia and Alphonse went back through, they ended up in the Amestris year 1951—the same year Tricia was born, along with our adopted family members Mayland Hughes and my life partner, Taisa Roy Mustang.
Anyway—so you know Hohenheim fucked up a lot of lives, but mostly our lives. If you've really fucked up, you get stuck in the Gateway until you 1)forgive yourself and 2)decide that you're worth saving and make an effort to be reborn on one or the other side of the Gate. Hell, I guess, is a place between the world you've made in your own mind.
Hohenheim, basically, is in a 'hell' of his own making. He keeps trying to meddle with our lives in some weird effort to make things right—and only makes things worse.
That's where you come in, Izumi. See, not every soul in the Gateway is in some kinda hell. Many stay there to watch over loved ones—that's more like heaven, I guess.
You were our Sensei, our alchemy master, and you loved us as much as if you'd been our birth mother. Hohenheim would fuck things up and you, Izumi, would clean up the mess, bitching like mad all the time. Another person who would work with you from the Gateway was our mother, Tricia. It was like Al and I had two mothers watching over us, trying to keep us out of trouble and trying to keep our Dad from making things worse.
See, when Al and I were kids, Dad ran off and left us. Our mom died young and we tried to bring her back with alchemy—biiiiig mistake, and we'll go over that later. Anyway, I lost my arm and leg and Al lived like a ghost tied to a suit of armor for four years of his life. Al eventually got his body back and I got sent to the Earth side—but I never got over how I'd fucked up my brother's life and made an epic fuck up of everything.
In short—it looked like I'd never forgive myself and my soul would be stuck in a self-made hell, just like Dad. So, Izumi, you and Mom decided to step in and help me. Mom took birth as Al and Winry's youngest child, whom we named Tricia Edwina Elric—she changed that middle name to Edward, 'cause she loves me so much, heh heh—whom everybody calls Teddy. Teddy became my alchemic disciple and student. I pounded it into her head not to make the mistakes I made—and when she ended up in Amestris and could actually work real alchemy, she didn't fuck up or abuse it. THAT was part of my redemption—that those who follow me (like you and your cousin Edwin)follow an ethical course and not abuse the power like Dad or me—or Al, who's made a few fuckups of his own.
Now—you know your uncle Taisa Roy Mustang? Hopefully by the time you read this he'll legally be my husband, but we've been lovers since the Earth year 1976. He and Teddy and Hughes all lived together in college, and Teddy brought us together. Taisa is what we call a "doppleganger"--in other words, he's somebody who's been on BOTH sides of the Gate that we've known in the past. In my homeland he was an incredibly powerful fire alchemist named Colonel Roy Mustang (also known as 'that evil smirking bastard', 'the asshole Colonel" and "Colonel Sarcasm"). We met when I was twelve and he was almost thirty, one of the most ambitious men I've ever met. See, there had been this horrible war where Roy and other State-sponsored alchemists were used as 'human weapons' to wipe out whole cities and slaughter thousands of people. Roy's idea was to claw his way to the top, run the country and then clean up all the bullshit. He found out the Fuehrer of Amestris was a real life monster and took him on and killed him—but that cost him his chance to become Fuehrer himself. Far as Roy could see it, he failed all the way around and couldn't redeem himself for the crimes of his younger days.
You can see where this is headed, right? Straight down to a self-appointed hell.
You've read Dickens' "A Christmas Carol". The Colonel wasn't exactly Scrooge, but he needed somebody to get through to him before he died. Otherwise he'd spend time stuck between the worlds beating himself up. And I wanted him with me.
See, I loved him in Amestris first, soon as I was old enough. I always had a crush on him, and when I was of age we became lovers. Had to keep it hidden, which was really hard on both of us. Anyway, long story short, the door between the worlds got forced open by some really stupid asswipes in Munich, Germany. I went back though the Gate but realized it was too dangerous to leave open. And when I went back to Earth, I had to leave my lover behind, but I figured Mustang would follow me through and close it behind him, which he didn't, stupid bastard.
We were both on our sides of the Gateway, each waiting for the other to come back. Mustang died of pneumonia in the Amestris year 1951, when he was nearly 70 years old. Now, remember what I said about dying without making your peace with yourself? What can happen to you—about the hell of your own making? Well, Hohenheim had it figured out, knowing how much I missed my Colonel. He'd send somebody through the Gate to warn Roy so he'd die peacefully and then take birth on the Earth side and find me again, since we Elrics live uncommonly long lives.
He didn't want to risk me or Al, so he decided on Teddy, your mom. Again—long story short: your mom and her dad went through, leaving Earth in February of 2007 and arriving in the winter of 1951 Amestris, when Mustang was about to get whisked off to some nursing home and spend his days strapped to a wheel chair eating mush—and that was the last thing Mustang wanted.
This is the hard part to explain, Izumi, so pay attention.
There is no alchemy, as such, on Earth. Not like there is on Amestris…but there is Magick. I don't like to admit it, but I've been around enough medicine men and shamans and even folk healers like your dad, Jean-Remy. I've seen what they can do with my own eyes. Your mom, when she was grown, studies both Magick and Alchemy…and part of that was what is called 'Sex Magick' or Tantric Alchemy. It uses the body in ways of generating tremendous amounts of energy that can be used for healing. Your mom used that Magick on Colonel Mustang to give him strength to live long enough to get through the Gateway while alive, make his peace and then seek to be reborn so he could love me again.
While she was performing this Tantric Alchemy, she left her body—something she and her dad do very easily—and met YOU between the worlds. YOU became the bridge so that my spirit could leave its body, pass through you, and speak directly to the Colonel to warn him of the danger he was in—and to tell him a very special secret: the name of the woman who would be his mother in 1957 Earth. I was there only a short time, and it was very hard on your mom, but because this happened Roy was born, found our family and has been the love of my life for the last 30 years.
Your granddad paid the price by pain—he was reunited with your grandmother Winry and it broke his heart to leave her again, to come back and live without her. He is better now, but it was as horrible as losing her all over again. Since your mom had given up so much, she actually gained--the organs she lost to cancer, as I said before, were given back.
Now—when she got those organs back, she was fertile and able to conceive. She had performed an act of sexual alchemy to help heal the Colonel—that means when she came back through the Gate she carried his seed inside her, and that seed is actually viable for several days. Your mother was surprised to learn she had gotten her womb, ovaries, tubes and cervix back, but even more surprised when she learned, weeks later, that you were on the way.
Your spirit overshadowed her when she was returning to Earth, and when you lived in Amestris as my teacher, you lost those very same organs your mom lost on Earth. Maybe that's why Teddy got them restored—I don't know for sure. Anyway, your mom was really shaken up by this…but she realized that you were there for a reason, and that she would do anything to keep you safe. She was going to name you Roy, but as soon as she knew you were a girl she named you Izumi, your original name, which means "fountain" or "wellspring"—or "source". Your middle name, Jean, is from your dad, Jean-Remy Havoc, who was named in turn for your grandmother, Jeanne-Marie Baptiste Havoc. The Havocs are an old Cajun family of 'Traiteuristes', a type of folk magician/healer found only in back woods parts of Louisiana, where they come from. Your dad is also a doppleganger, as are so many of the people who are waiting for you to be born.
In a way, kiddo, I'm sorry—'cause you're not gonna be born into an average family, We got more secrets to hide, more skeletons than we got closets, more things we don't want others to find out, 'cause people as a rule are scared and dumb. On the other hand, we love each other so damn much—Elrics will die for each other. We also scream and yell and call each other rude names…well, Mustang and I do, anyway…but it's just noise. The love is what really matters. So in that sense, I'm not sorry for you—and I want you to be proud of yourself. Your mom and dad love you more than anything in the whole world, and your sire would have been proud of you too.
And as for your old Uncle Edo…well…never forget that I'm on your side. Always. No matter what.
See you on your birthday--and hurry up, will you? You're mother's driving us all crazy!! Try to get born before Christmas, so you'll get more presents—you won't be sharing your birthday with a Deity.
Edward Elric
21 November, 2007
Tokyo, Japan
EARTH side of the Gateway
PS: your cousin Teddi-Grace Hughes was born about twenty minutes ago. You'll probably see a lot of her. And when her dad picks up the camera, kick 'im in the shins and run like hell, okay? That's my girl!