But for now, I'll just say I love you
Nothing more seems important somehow
And tomorrow can wait, come, whatever
Let me love you forever but right now
Right now
But for now – Jamie Cullum
And when no one expected it, the weather changed unexpectedly in that part of the country. Summer had begun weeks ago but cold and rain had been a constant; until that day in the middle of July. That morning, clouds had given way to a bright sun since dawn, and the sea breeze wrapped around the surroundings in a very pleasant temperature.
John Bates had arrived there the night before in the last train. He didn't expect to stay long, maybe two or three days. He just wanted to refresh his memories about the place which had witnessed his birth and childhood. He had been so happy there.
There was no agenda or planning established, but his first destination was clear since the moment he woke up and left his late mother's home.
The beach was still deserted. Men were at work, women busy with their household chores or running errands in the local market, and children, who would've to wait until the afternoon to go, entertained themselves playing and running in the streets and squares.
He approached the shore, careful not to wet his shoes with the cold water and then, closed his eyes. His ears become more acute beyond any control, trying to locate other sounds, aside from the ones that the sea and wind generated. Far away, the church bells pealed, summoning the people to the first Mass; and if he tilted his head towards the port, he could identify the sound of dozens of seagulls flying over the fishing boats which came back loaded with fresh fish.
Those seemed to be the only signs of life around. Without them, he could have sworn the he was all alone in the world. Until his eyes spotted her for the first time.
She was far away from him, standing on that cliff amidst the morning fog. He could only discern a slender figure which ended in a long skirt waving in the wind. That blurry image was enough for his legs to march automatically towards there.
It took his time to reach the higher part of the cliff. Although there was a stone path which facilitated the access, Bates wasn't the young and agile man of 15 years ago. Besides, his leg hadn't accustomed to the change of weather and not even his cane could relieve the unwelcome pain. After catching his breath and wiping away the sweat from his forehead, the man scanned the area looking for the woman.
She hadn't moved from her spot, right on the edge and staring at the dark deep waters. Keeping a respectable distance from her, Bates tried to guess what she might be doing there or what or who she might be thinking of. Maybe about a boyfriend or husband who was at sea and she was waiting for him.
But suddenly, a suffocating feeling of unease invaded him. Somehow he figured out that she wasn't there for anyone or anything. She was there because she wasn't well. Images from South Africa began to take shape in his mind; images of a very young soldier who decided to put an end to his life. Bates and other soldiers witnessed that tragedy, but no one could do anything for the boy. Now, he couldn't let the story to repeat itself. She deserved better than that.
He could have gone and try to grab hold of her, jerk her far away from the edge of the cliff, but the cane which helped him with his battered leg was a reminder that that option was not a possibility. He would have to help her from there and it would have to be now, whatever his plan was.
- Please, don't do it –
Bates was a serious, almost authoritarian-looking man and those words mirrored that distinctive personality. They echoed around loud and clear breaking the silence together with the wind and the waves crashing against the cliff walls.
She turned around. He face showed a mixture of fear but also, curiosity. Their gazes found each other in the distance and John's self-confidence weakened for an instant. Grasping his cane tightly, he carried on.
- I mean, not yet –
She stood still in her position. The fog had started to vanish and Bates could contemplate her clearly. She wouldn't be older than 25 years old, with long blond hair and blue eyes, bluer than the sea beneath them. However, despite the sadness of her look and the paleness of her face, she was a very beautiful woman. He was sure that she must have had a few suitors in her young life.
Then, what must have happened to her to consider this as the only way out?
- How long have you been there? – She didn't sound scared or angry, but sad, as if she didn't really care much about the answer. Despite the lifeless tone, Bates could recognize a sweet melody in her voice.
- I just… came for a walk – he said smiling. Then he remembered and wiped the smile off his face, slightly ashamed. He dropped his gaze, afraid of having hurt her.
But she wasn't. After the initial surprise, her expression remained the same. However, her eyes had suddenly come to life and didn't stop moving, scrutinizing the man they had in front of them.
He just stood there, not wanting to invade her personal space, trying to gain her confidence. He took his left hand out of his pocket in an attempt to look harmless despite his size and his worn-out clothes. He remembered being at his mother's trying to decided whether he should shave or not. Thank God he did.
After two or three minutes in silence, Bates started to feel a little bit uncomfortable. The first impulse of saving her had vanished and now, the shadow of reality hovered over him. Everything was new to him; not the fact of talking to a woman about to throw herself to the waters, the fact that he was talking to a woman. When was the last time? He couldn't remember.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he barely listened when she spoke again.
- You won't change my mind about this -
- I know. And believe me, that's the last of my intentions. I'm aware that once one makes up his or her mind about something like this, no one can change their minds –
He knew what he was talking about. It hadn't been the first time that that young soldier had tried to kill himself. The first time, they kept watch over me for three or four days. Less than a week later, he did it again, and didn't fail.
She turned around to look again at the waters, but not the part below them. Her gaze was focused far away where the sea and the sky melted. Was she weighing options? He hoped so.
- Explain me then, why you are asking me not to do it –
- Well, let's say I'm asking you for a rain check, at least, for today. I mean – he cleared his throat trying to elaborate an argument – look around you. It's going to be a very beautiful day. We don't get many days like this during the year and we should make the most of it –
She looked at him intently and then smiled – You must have done something terrible if your penance is "trying to rescue the poor girl who wants to kill herself" -
That unexpected sample of dark humour left him breathless.
- You don't understand. No one can help me – she carried on
Her expression had changed again, but that smile had stirred something in him. He discovered a hidden part in her beneath all that pain that showed that she wasn't as fragile as she seemed. Quite the opposite, there was an extraordinary inner force in her. That was worrying, though, because it meant that something awful must have happened to her.
But there was more. The empathy he felt for the hell she must be going through, had turned into something else, a deeper connexion which had awoken new found feelings of tenderness and the desire to protect and care for someone.
She wasn't like any other women he had met before, let alone his ex wife. That girl represented the beauty, warmth, sweetness and goodness of a world he had never met; that he had never bothered to meet.
He failed to comprehend why she was all alone and no one else had cared about her before. It was almost ridiculous that in that story, he was the knight in shining armour whose duty was to save that fairy tale princess.
He tried to focus his gaze somewhere else but her.
- Look, I'm not trying to put myself in your shoes and definitely I'm not going to tell you how great life is or how stupid is what you are about to do. I respect your decision greatly. I just… -
Their eyes met and his words faltered. Part of his confidence faded away as by magic. Was John Bates falling in love with a total stranger?
- I just want you to have a happy day, that's all. You deserve it. Even the worst people in the world are granted a last wish. Let me do this for you, please -
Bates held his breath wishing that his words had an effect on her.
- And what would you suggest we could do? - she asked suddenly
- Well, for starters, I could take you… to lunch –
- To lunch – the woman repeated half surprised, half confused
- Exactly – he said; an improvised plan already taking form in his head – I know a place not far from here that you may like; then we'll see what we do –
He sounded so sure of himself, but the reality was that the idea of her finally carrying on with her plan and him having to witness her impending departure from this world was making him feel sick.
- On one condition – she said finally, finally stepping out of the edge. Bates sighed in relief, but didn't make an attempt to move towards her. The last thing he wanted was to scare her so he stood where he was, giving her the space she needed.
- I'm listening –
- I want to make something clear. Whatever happens today, at the end of it I'm going to do it, so don't try to make me change my mind. If you do it, this "deal" is over, understood? –
He bowed is head as a sign of total acceptation of her conditions – You have my word that at the end of the day we will come back here and you'll do whatever you want to –
He couldn't help but smile triumphantly when she muttered – Fine –
He waited patiently for her to come back to where he stood and when they where face-to-face, she looked straight to his eyes and something in him stirred again and for a moment his breathing grew shallow.
After offering his arm gallantly, which she accepted reluctantly, they both walked towards the restaurant.