Warning: T+ Crack/Angst
Summary: Omake. A writer considers several of her favourite pairings and messes with
Renji and Toushiro. My first fan-fic. Don't know if this is passé.
Disclaimer: Own no part of Bleach
No beta. Apologies for errors.
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Renji: Oi! Where am I? What's with all the poles? What's going on? Is anyone there? Oiy! Oiy! Howl—
Toushiro: Stand down, idiot! Can't you tell? We're in the inner world of a fan-fiction writer.
Renji: Hitsugaya Taichou! What are you doing here, sir? How did you know--?
Toushiro: (weary shrug) Look carefully, all these poles are actually pens from the living world, Abarai. Where else but in the mind of a writer would things be so messed up? As for fan-fiction—we're here, aren't we?
Renji: (looks around confused)But why?
Toushiro: (sighs exasperatedly) Why does your zanpakuto call you into your inner world? To drink tea?
Renji: Well, Senbonz—
Toushiro: (loses patience) Oiy, you word stringer! Stop wasting my time here! I've a desk of paperwork and an indolent fukutaichou back in Seireitei!
HL: Chill, Toushiro!
Toushiro: How many times do I have to repeat this? It's—
HL and Toushiro: Hitsugaya Taichou!
HL: Yes, I know! But who could resist, Shiro-chan?
Toushiro: (angry tic) …
Renji: (gaping at HL) How? You're, you're…
HL: Yes, Renji. (Smirks.) But let's not waste any more time. I called you boys here to help me resolve a little writers' block I have going here.
Toushiro: (growls) Get on with it.
HL: Well then, let me lay it out for you. You wouldn't know this, but I'm a huge fan of Byaren and Ichiren pairings.
Renji: (bewildered) Huh? What d'you mean?
HL: (murmurs) So innocent…
Toushiro: (who, in the meantime, has shut his eyes and begun massaging his temple) Oh no, I should have seen this coming… Abarai (his lids lift and the teal orbs shoot a glare at HL) our gentle (snarls the word) author means that she is a fan of fan-fiction which pairs you and Kuchiki Taichou, or you and Kurosaki, in an explicit or implied romantic or sexual relationship.
Renji: Me and Kuchi--, Kuro--, what? I'd never… (The implications slowly sink in) What?
HL: Hey, Toushiro (ignores glower), how did you know so much?
Toushiro: (strangled mutter) Matsomoto is a fangirl.
Renji: (the implications have finally sunk in) Howl—
HL: (whips out a tube of liquid paper in the blink of an eye and squeezes. A ribbon of white wraps around Zabimaru and seals it.) Tada!
Renji: (in shock) What the--!? (Looks in appeal at Toshiro) Hitsugaya Taichou!
Toushiro: (folds arms with customary eye roll) Haven't you figured it out by now, Abarai? There is no Mary Sue more powerful than the writer in her own world! She has complete control over all her characters, if she so pleases. Even borrowed ones like us. Resistance is futile.
HL: (lopsided smile) As expected of the prodigy captain! Clear, concise and correct!
Toushiro: (harrumphs) Just get on with it!
Renji: (still staring with glazed eyes at Zabimaru) … …
HL: (preparing to hold forth) My other top pairings are IchiHitsu and HitsuMatsu.
Toushiro: (groans) I knew it!
Renji: (wakes up from daze) Wait a moment, you and Matsu--!
Toushiro: Shut up!
HL: (waves liquid paper) Boys, boys! (Obtains their attention.) Notice the two common denominators?
Toushiro: (one cheek begins furious quivering) … …
Renji: (looks confounded) … …
HL: (continues airily) So I figured that the two of you probably have to be my favourite characters, right? And what could be better than a pairing of my favourite characters? (Frowns.) But somehow, the two of you just don't mesh.
Toushiro: (low grumble) Thank goodness for small mercies…
HL: (ignores Toushiro. Renji, of course, is almost catatonic yet again.) So I decided to summon both of you at the same time, and determine why there simply isn't any chemistry. Let me see… it's not the height—I mean, there's RenRuki. (Renji perks up. Toushiro's scowl could create a lithograph.) It's not the colouring either, otherwise IchiHitsu wouldn't go down so well. (Toushiro winces. Renji is still lost in daydreams.) Personality? No, there's Byaren and, again, IchiHitsu. (Both shudder.) Odds aren't so insurmountable after all. So, how about it, boys? Willing to give it a try?
Toushiro and Renji: (both start) What?
HL: You heard me.
Toushiro and Renji: (turn to each other) … …
Renji: Why aren't you angrier, Taichou?
HL: Now, now, Renji, don't believe all you hear about Toushiro's irritability. He doesn't go around incensed all the time, you know. I remember when Hinamori… oops!
(Uncomfortable silence.)
HL: (gruffly) Apologies, Toushiro. Didn't mean to violate your memories.
(Silence.)
Toushiro: (nods) …
HL: Okay guys, time to end this shindig! Think about it, will you? I'll get back to you in a jiffy!
Toushiro and Renji: (give HL incredulous looks)
HL: Bu-bye! (And the shutters come down on HL's mind, for Toushiro and Renji at least.)
Yoruichi: That was a foot in the mouth moment, HL!
HL: Wasn't it? But I don't do angst well, and I did apologize. Anyway, thanks for letting me borrow your appearance! You're still planning to drop in on them in a couple of days? Think they'll go bankai?
Yoruichi: (gives a sharp grin) on innocent and uncomprehending little me? In the middle of a full squad training session?
HL: (giggles)
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The End, or The Beginning
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Thank you for your attention. Any concrit appreciated