We Killed the Lights

She was gone. Truly gone. I had let her slip past me because of my stupid mistakes, and now I was going to pay for it. As I watched her walk away down the hallway, her beautiful hair swaying back and forth, I couldn't help but let a few sobs escape. My whole body shook. I had lost someone so pure, so innocent, someone worthy of being looked at, and yet…I ruined it all.

My life was a jumbled mess before I met Reed. My old roommate died and I took pills because of him. I was a wreck. I didn't know if I was worth living. Every day I lived in a guilty lie. Not a day went by where I questioned being alive or thought about him. But when I told Reed what had truly happened, the way she took me in; it was unexplainable. I never felt such relief. I never felt so happy. I had something to live for. When she smiled and made me laugh…it was a perfect lullaby.

Not anymore.

It's funny how one act of cruelty can change everything forever. One act of being someone I'm not; someone who calls his ex a lying whore and telling them that they disgusted me. I remembered when those words left my mouth, and the reaction I got from Reed. In that one moment, I never felt so alien. I never felt so disconnected from my body. I felt evil. Disgustingly enough, I thought that she deserved it.

But she deserved everything- anything- besides that.

I stood there in the middle of the hallway, not noticing the nurses and the doctors that gave me odd looks. My mind was blank. My head couldn't wrap around what had just happened. This was worse than my old roommate or Thomas dying. This was like someone had ripped a part of my heart and soul. It was as if they didn't even bother to give me anesthesia, but rather unmercifully cut my skin and tore it up and threw it out of the operating room.

So this is what it felt like, losing the person that you love. And I hated it.

After several minutes of loathing myself, I slowly walked back into Ivy's room. A lump began to form in my throat. I had to be strong, even if I was in love with someone else. I chose to be with Ivy; I was going to be there for her no matter what. I could be strong. Not for me but for Reed and Ivy. The two girls, so different, yet so alike. The two girls who unknowingly shaped my life; who were unknowingly shaping my past, present, and future. As messy as this sounded, that was the way my life was going.

So I walked into Ivy's room, trudging my way in. She looked so feeble and weak. Her eyes were closed, and all the angry lines were gone from her face. Instantly, my heart went out to her. Now is not the time to think about Reed, I thought. You can do this Josh Hollis. You really can.

I went to sit on the empty chair next to her bed. The doctors had already called her parents; they were going to be here in about two hours. I sighed and ran my fingers through my unruly curls. This was so messy. Why did Ivy have to stand right behind Reed? Didn't she see Sabine holding the gun at her? Why couldn't she just wait for the cops?

I realized that I was angry at her, when I shouldn't be. She obviously cared about Reed and rushed in to help. It was noble, considering everything the two went through. But if she hadn't, none of this would have happened…

I sighed. Ivy was a great person. She really was. Nobody saw how great she is except Reed (how ironic) and I. And I really did care for her. She wasn't Reed but she was someone. I took her small and limp hand and wrapped it around mine. I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it, my lips lingering for a few seconds longer. Her eyes fluttered for a split second, but they went back to being still.

"Remember the first time you came to talk to me?" I started off. I inhaled. It was when I had told Reed to pretty much fuck off in the art room, and Ivy came in right after that. "I was obviously angry and upset. But you said just to laugh. You said that it would help. It would make her feel bad" I laughed forcefully, "but you also said I needed it. And you know what, it really did help."

I took my other hand and rubbed it against my eyebrows. I swallowed. "I wish I could do that now" I whispered, my tears threatening to fall. "God this is screwed up" I said all the while burying both of hands inside my face. The incessant beeping from the machine didn't help; it only annoyed me even more. I rested my head on Ivy's bed, feeling extremely exhausted all of a sudden. This was a lot to take in one day. I had heard, from some crazy person, that Reed was drugged when I found her with Dash, and my current girlfriend was in the hospital. Why didn't I let Reed explain just like she had done to me? Why was I a complete jackass?

Now I got it. All the time I was with Reed, I thought she was going to slip away. Right when Thomas died, all I could think about was how I was going to get her. She could finally be mine; the question was, did she want me? And when she got used to the life of Billings I detested, it made me angry and desperate. I fell in love with her knowing that she didn't care about clothes and money, but that seemed to change. For me, at least.

Then along came Ivy. I felt like a badass, hooking up with someone I had barely known. I knew for a fact I was making Reed feel bad. Deep down however, I felt horrible. I knew I was hurting her; my mind was clouded and I didn't give a shit.

But over time, Ivy became someone more than a quick make out session. She understood how I felt and she tried. I'm sure she knew I wasn't planning to have a long relationship with her, but that all changed when…

***

We were sitting quietly in Ivy's room, doing our homework on her bed when she asked:

"Do you still love Reed?"

I froze. Why was she asking me this question? Reluctantly, I looked up. She was staring at me intently. She didn't look judgmental; in fact, she seemed genuinely curious. I swallowed. Did I love her? Or was that a fragment of what I thought was love?

I frowned. "Um…no, I guess? It's been a while…" Shoot, it barley sounded convincing to either one of us. Secretly, my heart was hammering. I knew that I was lying. I could never get over Reed despite what she had done. Sure it was going to take some time, but now wasn't the time. I couldn't look at her.

Ivy swallowed. Her face hardened and she lifted her chin up, a habit she did when she was confident about something. "Yes you do" she said quietly. I gave her a protested look, and I planned to retaliate when she said "I'm not stupid. You guys were definitely something. When people usually break up over something like that, it's very hard to get over it because it was out of the blue. You never would have thought of that, right? And I know you'll never think of me that way" she looked down, a little embarrassed. "But I really care about you. I'll try no matter what. I'll wait. I really will."

I couldn't believe she just said that. She looked so small and vulnerable. Her heart was out in the open, something she never did. She continued to look down, a scarlet blush forming on her smooth cheeks. Despite her knowing that I was still in love with Reed, she stayed with me, hoping that it would turn for the better.

Instantly, I felt horrible. I was using her and I hated myself for that. Ivy was a normal human being who wanted to be loved just like everyone. In an instant, I knew that I had developed feelings for her. She was funny and laid back. She understood when I needed my space and when I clearly didn't. She let me get my thoughts straight about Reed, but in reality, I never did. Ivy wasn't Reed. But she was someone who I cared about, and that was enough.

Slowly, I put my books aside and started to lean in. Her head was still hanging low, and I lifted it up with my hand. I looked into her gorgeous eyes; I saw some tears of embarrassment and rejection forming on her eyes. I cupped her face with my hand and gave her the sweetest kiss I could ever give. I poured all I could give her in that moment- not necessarily love- but something equivalent to that. Something that in time would grow into love.

***

I hadn't realized I started to cry. The bed and the back of my hand were soaked in tears. I totally messed everything up. I had fallen for two girls. Not only was I hurting myself in the process, but Reed and Ivy also. I deeply cared about the two. It wasn't because they were good kissers or we just had history, they each had something about them that got me hooked. I had no idea on what to do. I acted like a child, and this was the price I had to pay. I hurt Reed by going out with Ivy right after we broke up, and I hurt Ivy by going out with her, even though I still had feelings for Reed. I realized, with a sense of dark humor, that I would need more pills for my emotional heartache. But I'm sure that was nothing compared to what Reed and Ivy were going through. I was officially a fucktard. I officially, as Gage called it, fucked it upside the head pretty hard. Real hard.

so, what do you think? should i continue? if i do, its probably not going to be that long considering nothing really happened (i think) while he was on winter break so yeah, tell me what you think.

review please!