Authors Note: This story is based around self-harm, but it doesnt go into detail and there are no descriptions of self harming. So if you dont like the idea then dont read it- just thought I should let you know...
No flames please put positive feedback is appreciated and I will try and reply to every review :)
~oOo~
Clary gazed into the mirror, remembering how, just a week earlier she had looked at her own reflection and been wishing for something she never thought she'd even dream of. She had wished she could change who she was, change her parents. She had wished for peace, and then, desperately she had wished that she had never met Jace, that everyone she cared about wasn't in danger. Everything was falling apart, and all she could do was watch, unable to stop anything. It was all just so hopeless.
She had been irrational, of course, but as she had thought of Simon and felt the guilt roll over her she couldn't think clearly.
She stared at her skin in the mirror now, wishing for something entirely different and so much more simple.
There was a knock at the door and she quickly pulled her sleeves down to cover the marks that spread like threads across her creamy skin like horizontal veins, rose coloured as the scars faded over time.
"Hey Izzy" she smiled softly, heart pounding in her ears at the thought of almost getting caught. She had been hiding her scars automatically now with long sleeves and bracelets.
She found herself wondering if real shadow hunters even did this and something tugged at the edge of her memory as she remembered Alec talking about the Silent Brothers and how they mutilated themselves, remembered the disgust plain on his face, and was suddenly ashamed of herself.
But then she wasn't a real shadow hunter, she hadn't been bought up with the traditions or training that shadow hunters experienced from birth- she hadn't even known this world existed until a year ago, and maybe this was her way of coping? But it was still more proof that she could never be a proper shadow hunter, even with the proper training, because she was weak. She had been overwhelmed by her emotions and, not knowing what to do, had mutilated herself as a form of escape. But now she only felt more trapped.
But she still knew however much she tried to convince herself she was okay, that the emotional turmoil inside wasn't going to go away as quickly as she'd have liked.
She was bought back to earth by Isabelle waving her slender hand in front of Clary's face.
"Hello, Earth to Clary? I know you haven't been paying any attention to what I just said but you could at least pretend" her voice was impatient as she rested with one hand on her hip, hair thrown back over her shoulder.
"Sorry, I was just thinking" Clary flushed and looked towards the ground.
"Come on" Isabelle pulled Clary off the bed and towards the door. "I said Jace has been looking for you" She stopped to appraise Clary's choice of clothes before sighing and continuing down the corridor of the institute "and we are definitely having a shopping trip soon, I don't know how you can stand all those long sleeved tops. At least you've stopped with the baggy trousers." Clary tried to suppress her silent horror at the idea of a shopping trip, that would require her modelling clothes for Isabelle which would no doubt be sleeveless and her scars were too visible against her alabaster skin.
Isabelle came to a stop at the bottom of a stair case. "He's in the green house" she said simply, before turning on her heel and retreating back down the corridor.
"Thanks Izz" Clary called after a moment, trying to act as normal as possible and knowing she failed miserably.
She slowly made her way up the old staircase, towards the greenhouse, entering into the musty room and filling her lungs with the fresh pollen filled air. She didn't call out for Jace as she normally would have, she didn't know why but she was feeling nervous and was unwilling to disrupt the quiet humming of the room around her.
Clary found him sitting on the wall where he had taken her for her birthday not long after they first met, back when everything had been so much simpler yet she still hadn't been thankful for it.
"Jace" she whispered, trying to quell the feelings of unease building slowly in her stomach.
Jace looked up before standing silently and pulling her into his strong arms. "Clary" he whispered. "There's something wrong, you have to tell me what it is" he breathed against her hair as she buried her head in his chest, inhaling his scent. So like Jace, cutting straight to the chase.
"Nothing's wrong" she mumbled, resting her cheek against his firm chest, listening to his heart. She had always known they were meant to be together, even when she had been repressing it as she told herself they were siblings. And now they could finally be together, were allowed to be completely open and honest and give themselves to one another; and she was messing it all up because of her secrets.
"There is sweetheart, I can tell." He pulled away slightly and lifted one hand to pull her face tenderly upwards, his other arm still comfortingly tight around her waist. "You can talk to me Clary, You know that don't you?" Clary felt her heart miss a beat as she looked up into his eyes and could recognise no trace of the fun, joking Jace that was normally there, all she could see was love and concern and she realized she had been wrong to underestimate his observant nature. She studied his features in the dim light a little longer, giving herself time to think of an appropriate answer, but her words were lost as she took in his sandy hair, the colour of tropical beaches, and honey tinted skin. She raised her eyes to his ochre ones, and knew she wasn't fooling him, for a terrifying yet thrilling moment she felt as though he was gazing into her soul.
"Why would you think something's wrong?" Clary whispered, ducking her head against his neck, trying to avoid his gaze as her heart thumped uneasily.
He put his hand to her hair in a surprisingly soothing motion and rubbed circles in her back with his other. "Because you've been so withdrawn lately, ever since we got back from Idris." Clary's heart was still pounding double time as Jace just held her, and as she pictured the tortured look that had held his eyes to hers before.
"I'm fine, I promise"
"So stubborn" Jace sighed and pulled away again, walking them both backwards until he was sat on the low wall with her in between his long legs, hands on her waist as he softly grazed his fingers up and down her sides.
Clary closed her eyes as her heartbeat returned to normal, she had been so sure that Jace knew. She sighed, letting herself just enjoy the moment as she rested her hands on his broad shoulders and her forehead against his. Feeling the soft texture of his top under her fingers and watching the colours of Jace's eyes floating like mini galaxies in the moonlight coming in through the high windows.
"I love you" he whispered as he gazed into her eyes, his face completely relaxed as he swept a lock of her fiery hair behind her ear and his other hand traced patterns on the small strip of exposed skin at her waist.
"I love you too" she would normally have smiled but gave up when she realised she wouldn't convince him when she couldn't even convince herself.
"So why did you want me?" she asked casually, running her hands up his strong arms as they held her securely around the waist.
"What, I'm not allowed to want some alone time with my beautiful girlfriend?" he asked, raising his eyebrow and looking more like the Jace she knew. He smiled softly as she flushed at the compliment and she realised how sweet and loving he had become with her, he was still the cocky lovable old Jace around everyone else but when he was with her he was so tender and careful.
He leant up to capture her lips softly with his own, placing his hand across her cheek to guide her face towards his own. She sighed and felt his left hand entwine with hers as his other fingers lightly traced her face, and then slowly down her neck as they kissed and she knew that she should do something to stop him but couldn't remember why. Her whole world was engulfed in Jace and she was only vaguely aware of his feather-light touch smoothing down her shoulders, trailing her arms over the material of her top, before they reached her hand, stopping there to tenderly trace the backs before travelling back up her arms. She was so lost in the kiss she almost didn't notice when Jace's fingers froze at her wrist. He pulled away suddenly and her eyes flew open.
"Jace" she choked, trying to catch her breath, and it wasn't just the kiss that had sucked the air from her lungs, suddenly everything was clear and she knew exactly what had happened. She tried to stop the tears that were already threatening to spill over, realizing too late that he would be able to feel every scar through the thin material of her shirt, every raised line of angry red skin, every imperfection.
Jace was staring speechlessly at her wrists, a mixture of pain and desperate sadness painted onto his divine features.
She looked away, unable to bear the expression on his face and tried to pull her wrist away but Jace's gentle grip was also unyielding. After a moment of uncertain silence he spoke in a quiet voice full of pain and heart break.
"Oh, baby" If she had been paying attention she would have been shocked at the pet name but she was concentrating solely on Jace as he pulled her almost roughly towards him yet held her with a new sort of care, as though she were made of glass and could smash if her held her too hard. Clary had never felt more fragile. He pulled her onto his lap and cradled her to his chest, and she could hear the pain and tenderness in his voice as she held herself steady by gripping his shoulder tightly positioning herself so that she could bury her face in his neck.
"Why?" He asked quietly, touching her cheek softly with the hand that wasn't holding her wrist, his voice willing her to look up but she couldn't find the strength to do it; she had always been weak, that's what had gotten her into this mess in the first place.
There was an immeasurable moment of silence between them before Jace's fingers resumed their slow movements, tenderly tracing her scars with his fingertips, slowly stroking the hand gripping his shoulder as though it were a life raft and Clary were drowning."Clary?" he breathed against her skin as he raised her wrist to his lips and kissed the marked skin. Her eyes flew to his and he raised his other hand to her cheek, stroking softly, trying to comfort her.
"Why-" he broke off to try and swallow the lump in his throat but Clary decided to make it easier for him.
"It was just all too much" she whispered, still avoiding his gaze. "Valentine, my mom, the war, Max, Simon..." she trailed off, knowing what he would hear in her silence but unable to deny it, she felt the tears build up and well over as she turned her face away from his steady gaze.
"me" Jace whispered with a horrible sort of finality.
"No, Jace. Never you" she whispered through her tears, almost to herself, fighting the shame rushing over her. She could feel him tense, knowing that he wanted to argue with her, prove her wrong, and wondered why he was silent.
She gave up and just let herself be comforted for a while as he held her close and rocked them; him waiting for her tears to subside and her waiting for the words that were certain to come, where Jace would tell her he couldn't be with someone so weak, where he would realize what she had known all along, that she would only hold him back. The tears started falling faster as she thought of what she was about to lose.
"Does anyone know..." he asked in the same hushed, controlled voice.
"No. I didn't tell anyone" she tried to keep her voice steady but knew she was failing miserably.
"Why not?" Jace's voice was unbearably soft and Clary found that she had to look up, that she had to see the expression on his face. So she steadied herself and raised her eyes to his.
But instead of seeing the disgust and disappointment she expected all she saw was a fierce shining of protectiveness.
"You should have told me, Sweetheart" she stared up at him in amazement and wondered why he wasn't shouting yet. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"I guess I just felt...weak, and I was too ashamed to say anything and then it just got worse." She mumbled, looking anywhere but his face, salty tears still making their way slowly down her face.
Normally she would have been wiping furiously at her face, ashamed to be crying in front of Jace, but nothing was worse than the shame she was feeling now.
"Clary." He whispered so tenderly she caught her breath. "Clary, you could never be weak." He wiped away her tears with his thumb, stroking her cheek softly. "You're loving and gentle and compassionate and beautiful and so many other things but you'll never be weak."
"Jace, don't-" Clary started but he soon cut her off, leaning in close so that all she could see was his face and feel his warm breath washing over her face and making everything seem okay as her breathing returned to normal through the tears. She found her eyes closing slowly before Jace pressed his lips to hers in a sweet chaste kiss.
"I love you" he wiped the one remaining tear away with his lips and spoke the words against the damp skin of her cheek.
"So I'm going to tell you the truth, and make you realise how amazing you are, and show you how many people care, and through everything I'm going to be here, because I wasn't before, and I have to make up for that." He let out a shaky breath as Clary pulled back slightly and stared in amazement at him, hardly able to breathe because of the emotions running through her. She was still staring at the heartbreaking expression on Jace's face as he turned his head away, squeezing his eyes together tightly. It took Clary a moment to realise he was trying not to cry, and that scared her more than anything.
"I'm so sorry, Clary. Really, you have no idea. I-I-" another first, thought Clary distantly, Jace struggling to find the right words.
"I should have been there for you. I failed you, you're the one person who means the most to me and I was so blind..." Clary was thinking distantly that the words he was saying should have been hers but she could hear the anger building in his voice beneath the despair and knew him well enough to know that it was directed at himself, she decided to step in before Jace could torture or destroy himself anymore but she couldn't think of the words.
"Jace" she choked, unsure of how to start and feeling the familiar hopelessness when Jace's head remained bowed towards the floor, his eyes tight shut. "Jace" she tried again and this time he looked up, eyes and cheeks shining with moisture. Clary didn't stop to think as she leaned forward swiftly and pressed her lips to his. Both their breathing was unsteady with tears as they kissed but neither noticed. Clary felt herself getting lost in the kiss, in everything that was Jace.
The kiss had started off heated and desperate but it soon became languid and slow. Jace finally pulled away, pressing his lips once to Clary's again before closing his eyes and leaning his forehead gently against hers, their cheeks both damp with tears.
"I'm so sorry" he whispered, stroking her face lightly with his fingers and studying her eyes, begging for forgiveness which wasn't needed "I-".
"Jace" Clary raised her hand and placed her finger against his lips, muffling his apologies "Stop."
"But Clary, I could have don't something, I should have d-"
Clary sighed as she kissed him again, this time just to shut him up.
"Maybe I should keep talking if that's how you're going to make me stop each time" Jace tried to joke when she pulled away.
She smiled softly at him as he leaned in slowly, his lips hovering an inch from hers as his warm breath washed over her. "I love you" he whispered, Clary's eyes were half closed so that all she could see was Jace.
"I know, I love you too." She whispered against his lips as she wrapped her arms around his neck, trying to balance herself on his lap where she was still precariously perched.
"mhmmm" he mumbled as he kissed her again softly, and stroking her hair away from her face in a tender gesture that was very un-Jace like and one she had been seeing more and more frequently these days.
Clary found herself shifting her weight as her hands went to Jace's strong shoulders and before she knew what was happening she was on the floor. It took her a second to realise that she had fallen off of Jace's knee and accidently pulled him with her. She looked up at Jace who had used his shadow hunter reactions to keep himself from crushing Clary and whose chest was currently eye-level with Clary. She giggled as she saw Jace blink and was shocked at how alien it felt.
"Oops" giggled Clary and Jace chuckled too. He smiled as he helped her up off the floor, it always made her heart flutter when Jace acted the gentleman.
He stood watching her for a moment, and just as Clary was beginning to feel self conscious he pulled her towards him.
"Come here" he told her, wrapping his arm around her waist and kissing the top of her head. "It's so good to see you smile again, and you don't know how much I've missed your laugh" he told her as he just held her too him tightly, her arms linked around his waist. He gently pulled away and kept his arm around her waist as he steered them out of the greenhouse and down the staircase.
Clary flushed as his compliment registered but Jace pressed her closer for a second to reassure her and they walked down the corridor together in silence.
"Thanks" Clary whispered finally, as they entered the main part of the institute where the kitchen and library were.
She had expected Jace to ask her what for or to come back with a smart comment but instead he just nodded in understanding. "I love you" was all he said in explanation.