Me and angst have this weird relationship, It's rather like Seddie in itself we hate to loving it but I always draws me in. Hope you like it:)x
I've never been a big believer; I'm not religious, I don't believe in big foot, and I most certainly don't believe I'll ever find love; although for a few months I did, for a few months I believe I had found it and although I had let it go, I believed that if it was true we would find our way back one way or another
Freddie and I sat on the sofa in his apartment flicking absentmindedly through the channels we'd been dating 3 months and we'd come to the point of being able to just be, it was quite possibly the happiest I've ever been. Flicking over to the news a breaking news broadcast flashed across the screen.
"60 dead after a earthquake ripped through central California today"
He gasped and as I turned to study his face I saw an overwhelming contemplation in his eyes. He slowly turned to me, boring his brown eyes into my blue and with a determined in his voice declared "I love you"
I gave a small lopsided smile and laughed "Everybody does" I turned my head grabbing the remote from his hand and returned my attention back to the television again resuming the changing of channels in a quest decent programming.
He quickly grabbed the remote and turned off the T.V, I turned confused as he stared bewildered at me, he composed himself to speak "Sam, I've just told you I love you for the first time. You're suppose to say it back."
I rolled my eyes playfully, smacking him on the shoulder before taking the remote and returning my attention to the television and stating nonchalantly "Love you too"
Again he took the remote and this time through it across the room, staring irritably into my eyes "No, I said. I. Love you. not love you. They're completely different!" the irritation was flustering him and I couldn't help but stifle a snigger at how cute it made him look.
Again I rolled my eyes playfully laughing lightly "Ergh, you're such a girl!" but inside I felt nervous the whole topic was making me uneasy I just wish he would drop it so we could return to the land of fiction.
His jaw locked, "Why won't you say it"
I felt my body tense I could feel the argument brewing the tension rising like the temperature on a hot day. "I did say it!"
He pitched the bridge of his nose and inhaled deeply, "No, you said love you, not. I love you. Love you doesn't have as much meaning."
I inwardly laughed before scoffing "None of it has any meaning."
And at that point he silently oohed, as if concluding something in his mind "You don't think I mean it. That's why you won't say it back isn't it? He smiled smugly.
I cocked an eyebrow, "I think you're trying to find fish in the sky there Frednard. I said it."
He eyed me suspiciously before questioning "Said what?"
I through my hands up annoyed "Did you hit your head? What you wanted me to say!"
He smiled smugly chuckling to himself "See you won't even say it now" He then looked seriously at me again and whispered "I mean it Sam, I love you."
I exhaled defeated "Yeah yeah if you say so." I was done with this conversation I raised from the couch and wondered towards the remote that had been thrown carelessly across the floor.
He sighed aggressively and asked "You'll never believe I truly love you, will you?"
Having retrieved the remote I flopped on the couch beside him and chuckled "Probably not" I snuggled into his side in the hope that the affection would be enough to satisfy him but to his persistence he soldiered on retreating from my contact and turning in his place to face this entire body towards me.
"Why?" Confusion clouded his eyes as he searched for an answer he believe to be concealed in my face.
"It doesn't matter" I said with a wave of my hand waving off the conversation, it was making me uncomfortable, my patients was weakening and honestly I wanted to believe him, I wanted to tell him and him tell me it's fine he does love me, he always will and me believe him and we live happily ever after, but that doesn't happen. At least not to me.
"How can you say that?"He looked down at his feet picking nervously at at a hangnail before whimpering "Do you not love me?"
I sighed weakly, my heart cracked at the fragile boy sitting before me and for some unbeknown reason. I caved. I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes before I began "It's not that, It's that you'll always have loved Carly first" I opened my eyes to see him staring back at me confusion plastered across his face "and you never get over your first love"
His face softened placing his hand on my cheek and leaning in resting his forehead against mine "Carly wasn't my first love. You are" He leaned in the rest of the way and placed a gentle kiss on my lips putting all his emotions behind it, short but powerful, pulling away his eyes met more once more and whispered "I love you"
I smiled lightly and looking in to his eyes i decided to humour him "I believe you" turning myself to once again lean against him he slung his arm around my shoulder as I sank closer and snorted "No you don't" I chuckled lightly finally settling on a channel and turning my eyes up to his face and smiling "No, I don't, but a girl can dream."
I didn't believe him, I had watched him for 4 years pine away after Carly and whether it was unrequited or true, It was love none the less and I could never compare to Carly, I'd never be perfect like her, I could never live to her standards so he would never be able to love me like her, but there was once. Once I did believe him.
"So did we just break up?" I had to ask, make sure we were on the same wave length, but if I'm honest it was my escape route, I asked because i hoped he would scream no and demand we stay together because we belonged together, but instead with a heavy sigh he croaked "feels like it" it would appear mildly sociopathic to take comfort in those words, that he was feeling pain from the break up, but i took comfort in the knowledge that he cared enough to hurt. That he would miss me, that he felt apprehension and regret from this decision that I wasn't the only one. I'd never been in quite an awkward situation and although uncaring "oh well" was the only way to end our conversation. I just wanted to break free from the elevator leave and never return, ironic considering an hour and a half later I wouldn't want to leave but at that moment I wanted to run, as the elevator came to a halt I pushed off from against the wall and exited.
"I love you" It rang through the air and brought me to a standstill from my swift escape, we were broken up, no obligation no attachment and he'd said it. The words he knew I didn't believe, but yet he still tried to prove, and I believed him. I believed that he loved me because he had no other reason to say it other than he meant it. He wasn't cruel he wouldn't say it to humour me, especially since I hadn't said it first. In my mind he meant it, and that meant there was no reason I shouldn't say it back, let him know how much he meant to me. "I love you too" and I did...I do, with all my heart.
I shouldn't have, in hindsight I realise it was stupid to ever believe he could love me more than her, that his feelings for me would never compare to those he felt for Carly. He forgot all about me and was able to go back to loving her almost instantaneously, the emotions he felt for me clearly didn't run deep enough to embed even an impression. I wonder if he ever truly did love me. If while we were together his heart truly did belong to me or if I was merely an object to distract himself or fill the time void before once again pursuing Carly. I guess I'll never know, well not until the wedding day with the vows. "Carly, since the first day I laid eyes on you I knew I would marry you. I love you from the first day and never stopped."and I will stand there quietly dressed in my maid of honour dress smiling because I can't be sad over something I never had. I can't be sad I lost his love, because he never gave it to me to begin with, because If it had been true, we would find our way back one way or another.
I hope you liked it. It took me forever, I'm a huge procrastinator. I have about 3 half finished one shots on my lappy that I'm determined to finish, and I have about 3 ideas for Multi-chapter, but I don't know if I could do it on my own, so If anyone whats to collab with me? :Dx