Summary: Hikaru knew the feelings were wrong. It was all supposed to be an act! But it wasn't. Not to him, at least./ Kaoru's been pining after Hikaru, but he keeps pushing his feeling away. He just wants Hikaru to be happy…even at his own expense. Hitachiincest. Kind of one-sided relationship.
A/N: Came to me while I was reading the manga. I've been thinking that almost all of my stories are humor so hey, why not a bit of angst? Hope you like it!
…
Keep staying. Please be mine, baby. Keep staying. Come inside, baby. Keep staying. Please be mine.
-If You Can't Hang, Sleeping with Sirens
…
Hikaru knew it was wrong. It was incest. Kaoru was his brother. His twin. In the host club, they were the brotherly love package. An act. It was all supposed to be an act! But it wasn't anymore. Not to him, at least.
He bit his lip.
If it was supposed to be so wrong; why did it feel so right? Hands gripped his hair in confusion. He was supposed to protect Kaoru. Not want to kiss his lips, look deep into the eyes like his own, and grab-
He pushed the thoughts away.
What would Kaoru think? If he knew that his own brother had fallen for him. Would he push him away or- He didn't want to think about it. He didn't know what he'd do if he was rejected.
And what would the host club think? Would they be disgusted or supportive?
His mind was hazy.
The brotherly love act. Yes, he would cling to that. While they did it, he could pretend that it wasn't an act. It was real and that Kaoru loved him back…
…
He's your brother. He's your twin! He wouldn't be intersted in you and besides, he likes Haruhi, Kaoru reasoned to himself. He ignored the ache in his chest that came with that thought.
Maybe if I confessed… no! That's a stupid idea. Hikaru would most likely be repulsed with him. He brushed a tear away.
He likes Haruhi. He likes Haruhi. He likes Haruhi. He likes Haruhi. The phrase kept repeating itself like a chant.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't like me back… I just want Hikaru to be happy and if it's not with me. Well, that's okay. It doesn't matter.
You're not in love with Hikaru, he made himself say aloud. It was a lie. A big one. But it didn't matter. Hikaru should never find out his true feelings…
Even if it sent pangs of hurt through his chest.
…
He looks so perfect.
His brother. His twin. His Kaoru. No, a part of him screamed and he struggled to push his feelings away. He tried looking away from the sight before him. Kaoru looked so peaceful in his sleep. Gold eyes shut, his lips slightly parted, and his hair falling around him like a halo.
Hikaru brushed his thumb on Kaoru's cheek. He's so beautiful and mi- He took his hand away and stared at the offending appendage.
Kaoru mumbled something incoherent and shifted slightly in his sleep.
Hikaru desperately wanted to wake the boy up. Tell him he loved him. Tell him that he didn't just want it to be an act. He wanted everything that he told their clients to be real. But he didn't. He didn't want to risk his platonic relationship with his brother, but for now…
He lay back down and hugged Kaoru to his chest, pressing his face into his twin's hair. He contented himself with pretending.
…
Kaoru couldn't think he could do it anymore. The brotherly love act in the host club. At those times, Hikaru looking deeply into his eyes, pulling him close like an actual lover, the faintest brushing of lips…
It felt so real. Sometimes, there were moments that he could see an unidentified emotion and uncertaintly in his slightly older brother's eyes, but it vanished as quickly as it came. Could Hikaru actually feel the same for him? The very same uncertainty and longing? He pushed the thoughts to the back of his head. He should stop. He was giving himself false hope.
Of course, he hadn't fallen for him. It was incestuous. It was wrong on so many levels, but felt oh so right to Kaoru.
He wanted to slap himslef.
He's in love with Haruhi. He's in love with Haruhi. He's in love with Haruhi. He's in love with Haruhi. The chanting again.
Reality doused over him abruptly like cold water. His twin was already in love with someone else. Even if he was attracted to the same gender; Hikaru would never pick him. And it hurt so badly.
…
I want to tell him so badly, Hikaru thought as he stared deep into his brother's eyes. It was club time, and they were doing their usual "act". Kaoru looked absolutely adorable with his teary eyes and flushed cheeks. He brushed their lips together in a mockery of a kiss.
"Love you so much, Kaoru." You have no idea how much, he thought.
"I love you,too, Hikaru," his twin responded in kind. How he loved the way Kaoru said his name. If only Kaoru meant it like he had. It was so unfair.
…
He told me he loved me during our act. He was in the shower with tears dripping down his cheeks. I love him so much. Hikaru. Hikaru. Hikaru. Damn it. He wanted everything to be real. The not so brotherly love, the touching, the things they shamelessly told their clients…
Kaoru bit his lip.
He definitely wouldn't mind playing doctor and having punshment games if it was with Hikaru, he thought with a blush. Then he sighed. He knew it wasn't meant to be but- he just couldn't help it.
…
Heated whispers. Murmurs of love and passion. Heat. Overwhelming heat. Dazed eyes looked up at him. "I love you, Hikaru."
He woke up with a gasp, and looked at his still sleeping companion. Had he really just had a dream about Kaoru?
He let out a shudder of pleasure as he thought about the look in Kaoru's eyes in the dream. He didn't want to be in just his dreams. He wanted the actual thing. Damn it all! He wanted it to be real. He couldn't take it anymore. He was going to confess to Kaoru. Consequences be damned.
…
I need to talk to you, Kaoru. What did that Hikaru mean? If he couldn't discuss it in school then it must be a very serious and confidential thing. Oh gosh. Had Hikaru found out about his feelings? He'd taught he'd hidden it well, but Hikaru was his twin, after all. Were they going to separate rooms? He didn't want to! He needed to calm down. But his entire being felt panicked.
Then the door opened.
"Hikaru," he squeaked.
"What are you doing in the hallway?" Hikaru asked. "I told you we were going to talk. Come inside."
He followed him in the room and sat down on the bed. Hikaru did the same.
"Kaoru," Hikaru began. "I-," he faltered again.
He gripped his brother's hand. "What's wrong, Hikaru?"
"Nothing," said Hikaru hastily. "It's just…" He mumbled something so softly that despite their prozimity; Kaoru still couldn't hear what was being said.
"Huh?"
"I love you, Kaoru," Hikaru blurted out.
He stared at his twin in utter shock. Hikaru loved him! He thought his heart was going to burst in happiness. He was about to reply when his brother bolted out of the room.
"Hikaru! Wait," he called out, chasing after him.
"I'm sorry if it disgusts you. I just…," said Hikaru over his shoulder.
"Stop. The truth is…I love you, too, Hikaru," he shouted.
…
A/N: Call me cruel for stopping there. Love it? Hate it? Tell me :)