Author's Note: My lame attempt at trying to be funny. xD Enjoy! Even if the crickets chirp in silence as I attempt to make you laugh off of your seats. Nah, just kidding. It's mainly a use of sarcasm. I don't know if this idea was used or not yet. Also it's more Channy than humor.
Wishing on an iPad
Chad Dylan Cooper was diagnosed with Commitment Phobia.
"Phillip!" He protested. "I assure you I can stick to one—"
(Pause.)
And no, it was not on relationships.
(Resume.)
"—thing at a time! It's just…." He glanced away dreamily thinking of all those inanimate objects and electronics out there that he has to have.
"Chad Dylan Cooper, this is our last session, and I'm hoping that you'll manage to fix this problem as soon as you can. I'm sure a lady friend of yours—"
Hold up, hold up. Who says lady friend anymore?
"—by your habits." His psychologist, Dr. Phillip Mathers confirmed.
Shoot, Chad thought. What'd he say again? Chad, who happened to be smart enough to listen to the That 70's Show reruns last night, decided to laugh like Phillip had just told a joke… One problem: Normal laughing does not sound…maniac.
Oh, wait another problem, (there's always a second problem isn't there?) is that Phillip's expression remains cold and expressionless.
He must deal with a lot of weirdos, Chad concluded as the reason Mr. Mathers could not take laughter….or joking.
"I have a girlfriend," Chad says blandly wiping away all traces of laughter from his face. He chose to just justify the theory of a lady friend, although he told this guy this piece of information about 3 times already.
"And is she not irritated by your obsession with electronics?" Phil asked skeptical of the teenage hormone boy in front of him.
Chad laughed, (for real this time), and knew in a heartbeat his answer. Shrugging casually, and smiling, he responded, "Nah… Sonny's cool like that. And it's not like I'm some freak that doesn't let her touch anything. I usually just invite her over and she and I both use my stuff."
Dr. Mathers scribbled down a few words on his notepad, probably along the lines of 'mental girlfriend who is willing to hang out with weirdo boyfriend'. But no one knows. No one EVER knows what's on Philly's notepad.
"Do you use these new electronics to impress her?" asked after he finished his fierce writing.
Chad did NOT find this amusing. "Um… I'm sorry… I know you're getting old and all of that, but… MY NAME IS CHADDDDD DYLANNNN COOOOOPER." Chad said exaggerating his lip movements and the syllables of his name and not to mention the raised decibels of each word.
After the middle-aged, (and probably single), man across of the superstar wiped his ears from hurt, he asked, "What's that mean?"
"The part about you getting old, or that my name's Chad Dylan Cooper?" Chad asked sniggering in his mind. Chad knew he was being rude, but seriously why shouldn't he have fun with his paid time?
The psychologist smiled dryly, "Your name."
"Well, I'm on the top tween drama as the leading actor and we've won the Tween Weekly Awards twice, I was named Hottest Tween of the Year. Need I go on?" Chad said obviously enjoying listing all the superior things about him.
"I understand you have a lot of accomplishments Chad, but what does that have to do with her?" The Man-Mathers asked getting himself off topic from the original issue.
"What do you mean?" Chad asked confused.
"Well, why would you date her if you don't need to impress her?" Phil asked confused, himself.
"I still don't understand what you're saying," Chad said, his eyebrows creased as he sat up now from the couch and clasped his hands together.
Phillip put his notebook behind his back so that it landed on the desk behind him.
Wait, did Phillip… as in Dr. Phillip Mathers just put his NOTEBOOK away? You know this is getting somewhere now!
"It's like this," Philip waved his pen around as he began to explain it. "You say that you're qualities are impressive, right?" Chad nods, understanding that for sure. "Then if you could impress anyone…. why go for her, unless you actually wanted to impress her in the first place?" Philip reached for his notebook again, deciding that for once he was finally getting somewhere with the boy, and it had to be written down.
Chad smiles, but only slightly understands it the inquiry now. "It's like this," Chad imitates for a mere second before actually becoming serious again. "I know I'm impressive, and Sonny does too. But it's different because she doesn't make a big deal out of it. She just treats me like a normal human being." Chad said. "Or kind of worse…" He muttered to himself, remembering how his 'Sunshine' doesn't treat an elderly lady saying 'Fine, fine, good, good' or anything like that.
The silence was getting annoying after a few minutes. (Especially with the pen jotting down ferociously against the paper.)
"Okay Chad, our time is up. But here's what I'm going to do. This will not be our last session—" Inserting Chad's groan. "but next week's will be. I want you to bring Sonny…--"
"Munroe." Chad filled in.
"Sonny Munroe with you to the session. I usually don't do couples, but I'd like to intervene on this."
"But Sonny and I aren't having any problems…" Chad Dylan Cooper said as if that made total sense.
"Let's just say, I want to figure out why she'd date you." Dr. Mathers snapped cooly. Chad's mouth formed into an 'O' as he exited out of the room with a look of shock written on his face.
In Philip's mind were simple words, 'What goes around, comes around.' Damn, psychologists can be witty!
"Sonny, I told you. It's an iPad, everyone has it!" Chad argued whilst walking to the office of Dr. Mathers. Sonny quickly settled to come with her boyfriend to his weekly issues.
"But it's the same as an iPhone, and you already have two of those if I may add, so why do you need this?" Sonny asked skeptically. In truth, she wasn't that annoyed by Chad's issue, (especially since she gets all the hand-me-downs, hence why she's holding a Blackberry), but she just couldn't understand his twisted logic.
"The iPhone is a phone… The iPad—"Chad stopped to open the door and lead her in, in which she sat down oblivious to the Doctor still. "--is like a computer that is touch screen and portable. How many portable touch screen computers are out there?" he asked, 'proving' his point.
She stubbornly chose not to respond and turned to the doctor who was apparently already writing in a notebook. She gave a confused towards Chad and he whispered casually to her, "It's just something he does."
She nodded, understanding, and suddenly felt very excited for today's session.
"Hello, you must be Sonny Munroe." Phillip said holding a hand out to be shaken.
"Hi!" Sonny said with a bright grin and accepting the hand introduction. "You are… I'm assuming not Will, because Chad gets everyone's name wrong…" She put a finger to her chin and tapped it repeatedly, "I know! Bill! No, that's not it. Chill! Kill! Pill! No, no, no, no, no! PHIL!"
'You and Chad are perfect for each other. You both like using loud decibels…' Phillip thought skeptically. He nodded with the 'grin' plastered on his face, and looked down at the notebook pad in front of him.
He planned out every thought and detail or question that would come to mind.
"Chad, should we pick up from where we were last week or do you wish to start a new subject?" The doctor asked politely to his patient.
"New topic," Chad responded, not wanting to embarrass himself in front of Sonny since the last topic they had talked about was, in fact, Sonny. Sonny huffed in disappointment because she had wanted to know what her boyfriend says at these meetings.
After a few minutes of awkward silence, Sonny was looking at her nails and Phil was staring back and forth at Sonny and Chad. The oh-so great Chad Dylan Cooper decided to break the silence.
"You need a girlfriend." He said to Phillip.
Dr. Mathers dropped his mouth in shock and protested, "I am married!"
"Then why so serious?" Chad said mocking the Joker. Before Phil could dissent to that, he glibly added in, "Oh, no action?"
"Chad!" Sonny scolded but was still laughing despite Chad's irrefutable actions. They looked at each other and began laughing together.
The doctor's eyes were narrowed into slits, and despite the fact that the comment in fact had been true, (although he'd never admit it aloud), he was writing a few things he noticed between the humor of Sonny and Chad.
"Let's… focus on your life." Phil said sarcastically.
"But we already know my life is fantastic!" Chad said bored.
"And why is it fantastic?" Somehow, the job of a psychologist was to use what the patients say against them so that they open up. Well… only the mean ones do.
"I thought I told you this last week… Oh well, because…um…" Chad looked at Sonny and she smiled at him knowing his answer would be egotistical.
And it was… in his own way. "Because I have everything I want."
"Except the iPad." Sonny added in, smirking at him.
He gritted his teeth. "Except the iPad."
"If you're perfectly content with your life… why is it you always have a need to buy the newest and updated electronic out there?" Phil asked.
Sonny wondered at this all the time, but she never bothered to ask her boyfriend this. She had to admit, this guy had guts!
"Well, um… I don't know?" Chad said unconvincingly, because he wasn't sure why himself.
"If it's what you say it is, Doctor… Commitment Phobia? How can I be sure he won't… he won't—" Sonny didn't bother to finish the question but decided to drop it.
"He won't leave you for someone else?" The doctor finished her question for her.
Chad looked at Sonny shocked and Sonny opened her mouth to apologize, but Chad cut her off.
"Sonny, I'd never—How could you even think that?"
"Well you keep switching all of the electronics in the world! How do I know that one day you won't decide that you'll switch me for other girls?" Sonny asked accusingly but honest.
"Damn it Sonny, I love you! That's why. Okay? I'd rather have nothing if it would keep me from losing you!" Chad said as if it was obvious.
Sonny looked didn't appear too shocked, but was interrupted before she could respond by a loud clapping noise. They both whipped their heads around to a doctor who shut his notebook and sighed happily.
"Okay, we're done with the session." He said smiling.
"Wha-? But we just got here like less than half an hour ago." Chad said confused.
"Yes, but your problems are solved." He states.
"How?" Chad asked as if it were impossible.
"Because you were willing to give up everything just for her." The doctor said pointing to Sonny with his click pen.
Sonny and Chad looked at each other but turned away blushing.
"That's all." He said concluding the theory.
Chad looked at Sonny, "Wait for me in the lobby?"
She nodded, and got up to leave.
"So… This is goodbye Will." The actor said dramatically sad.
"Phil." He pointed out.
"I might miss sitting in here and talking about me." On cue, he looked around the room and 'teared' up.
"I'm sure you would," Phil said with a plastered smile understanding the hidden meaning in the teenager's words.
He rolled on the floor and landed on one knee, concluding with, "Peace out suckas!"
The ride to his house was silent.
"Okay I love you too on one condition." Sonny spoke up, once they were parked in his driveway.
"You love me on conditions?" Chad said confused but skeptical.
She ignored his statement and continued, "I love you too… IF you don't buy an iPad, and I get your second iPhone. You can keep all of the electronics you have now, but you can't buy anything else, unless you have my approval." Sonny said strictly.
"What are you? My mom?" Chad laughed. He turned his head to her, and his mood was immediately wiped once he saw her serious face. He gave her a wary glare, as he got out opening his door and hers. "My second iPhone? Really Sonny, really?" She nodded. "I'll only give you the phone if you let me buy the iPad." He said bribing her.
She smirked, "You're forgetting that you're the one who has something in risk here."
He thought for a moment before sighing, "Damn it. Fine. You're on."
"Fine," She said inside through his front door because she had a key. She smiled a satisfied smile, before he caught up with her and grabbed her bicep with his hand to stop her.
"You're forgetting something."
"I love you too." She said grinning deliberately. He smirked but kissed her quickly.
"Fine." He whispered to her alluringly.
2 months later
"But Sonny!" He whined. "It's the iTV!"