... And This Was How We Got Banned From Hogwarts
Disclaimer: I do not own HP.
Note: Please review, fave, and follow. I'm adding more soon! Alos, let me know if you'd like me to add little stories to go with the initial phrase. This is my first HP parody fanfic so be nice.
PS: If you have any ideas, please feel free to PM me and I'll add them to the story with your name in bold.
1. Liftus Crotchum is NOT a spell!
2. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say: «There you are Trevor, Neville has been looking everywhere for you!»
3. I will not introduce Peeves to Liquid Ass
4. I will not enchant hundreds of chocolate frogs so that they follow Professor Umbridge around, nor will I call them her children.
5. I will not smuggle Hagrid's rock cakes into the school washroom, drop them in the toilet, and groan in relief.
6. Sending Howlers to enemy students, pretending to be their parents, is completely unacceptable.
7. I will not go to class skyclad.
8. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. «Polishing my wand» in the common room is not.
9. Using the Engorgio charm on selected parts of the human body is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purpose.
10. «OMGWTF» Is not a spell.
11. I will not attempt to correct Lord Voldermort's spell pronunciation. (Voldemort: AVADA KA- | Hermione: No, no, NO! You're saying it wrong. It's Avada Kad-AH-vra, not, Avada-KUH-davra!)
12. I will not recite «Yo Momma» jokes to Albus Dumbledore. (Yo Momma is so fat, her Patronus is a piece of cake.)
13. Asking Lord Voldemort why he does not *technically* have a nose is highly unrecommended.
14. Snape's on a Plane as well as, Snapes on a Plane are not real movies.
15. «Wand» fights in the bathroom are strictly forbidden.
16. I will not teach the front doors to recognize Filch and not let him in.
17. I will not hex the school toilet's to sing, «Do you see what I see?» quickly followed by gagging noises.
18. It is not a good idea to start a rumour that Snape must change Dumbledore's adult diapers.
19. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is «pretty much forgivable».
20. Asking the Room of Requirement to turn into a Strip Club is highly inappropriate.
21. Magical Truth or Dare is not a proper excuse for having a naked Quidditch match.
22. I will not learn to say, «I fling my poo at you» in Parseltounge.
23. I will not claim that Moaning Myrtle watches me while I shower.
24. Asking how to transfigure people into toilets is forbidden.
25. I will not put Muggle Nair in the Potion's Master's shampoo.
26. It is not a good idea to accuse Professor Sprout of growing weed behind the greenhouses.
27. Nor is it recommended to smoke her plants.
28. Changing the prefect's bathroom's password to, «Where the clean girls go to get dirty» may result in expulsion.
29. I will not send my sister a Hogwarts toilet seat.
30. There is a difference between curses and cursing.
31. I will not organize a Family Fun Day and charge people for Centaur-back rides.
32. I will not rearrange the letters in Lupin's name so that they spell: Nipul (Niple)
33. I will not use Harry Potter pick-up lines. Ever.
34. It is not a good idea to ask Snape where babies come from.
35. Draco Malfoy is not a girl wearing a blond wig.
36. Draco Malfoy cannot sing nor can he dance.
37. I will not sing: «Me Chinese, me no dumb, me stick finger up my bum...» whenever Cho Chang tries to say something.
38. I will not have a rave/dance party/bush party in the greenhouses.
39. Should Professor Snape docks points from my house for absolutely no good reason, I will refrain from fingering him.
40. I will not point the telescopes in the Astronomy Tower at Dumbledore's bathroom.
41. I will not moon Lord Voldemort, laugh, and make the victory sign.
42. Pansy Parkinson is not Draco Malfoy's personal sex toy.
43. I will not write detailed letters to the Ministry of Magic describing what my poop smells like.
44. I will not paint house elves blue and call them smurfs.
45. Inventing a line of «invisibility clothing for young females» is not encouraged.
46. Attempting to breed Dragons with Pygmy Puffs is now considered animal cruelty and may have undesirable side-effects.
47. I will not spike Dumbledore's food with laxatives, steal his wand (so he can't Alohomora himself out) and lock him in Professor McGonagal's chambers.
48. Asking Albus Dumbledore if he's ever tripped over his beard is only funny the first time.
49. Fawkes is not edible- therefore I shall not attempt to roast him for dinner.
50. I will not tell Snape that Dumbledore needs help «polishing his wand».
51. The Sonorous spell shall not be used to amplify insults across the Great Hall.
52. I will not tell everybody that Snape is Voldemort's illegitimate child.
53. Nor will I claim that Snape's mother is in fact male (even though that is biologically impossible).
54. Which does NOT mean that Voldemort is gay.
55. Loudly screaming that Snape is sex-depressed and does not have an appropriate release will get me blown up in a matter of seconds.
56. Stealing muggle puppies, smuggling them into the Great Hall, and declaring them to be Lupin's cubs was only funny the first time.
57. I will not throw stones at female teachers, chase after them with fire, or attempt to behead them because you are a «witch-hunter».
58. Dirty jokes against «Moaning» Myrtle were banned when her idiot parents gave her that name.
59. I will not charm Filch's pants so that they fall off every thirty seconds.
60. I will not follow Fred and George around dressed as a Japanese school girl and insist they make out because they are homosexual and you find it simply kawaii. (Ouran High School Host Club, how I ADORE you!)
61. It is forbidden to strip in Hogsmeade.
62. I will not use the Invisibility Cloak to take pictures for Hogwart's non-existing, 2013-2014 NUDE, HOT, AND SINGLE Calendar.
63. I will not chase after first year students screaming obscenities, brandishing the Sorting Hat, and claiming how they were obviously sorted into the wrong house.
64. I will not take pictures of McGonagall in her cat form, enlarge them, and leave them on Umbridge's desk along with a note asking her when the next photo shoot is.
65. I will not tell the Bloody Baron that Peeves wants his eternal pleasure.
66. Under no circumstances shall I push Malfoy off an iceberg (That means you, Ron!)
67. I cannot post a wanted poster asking for free sex on my common room's announcement board.
68. I will not tell Albus Dumbledore that Minerva craves to «make magic» with him.
69. The following pick-up lines are banned from Hogwarts for eternity:
- You're the youngest seeker in a century... want to handle my broom?
- I hear your great at Charms- you certainly charmed your way into my pants.
- Would you like to hold my wand?
- I hear you have an invisibility cloak? Well, without a cloak, I can make all your clothes disappear.