"Finally home cooked meal!" Miriam said excitedly.
Bob exchanged look with Olga. "Are you sure it's a good idea?" he said.
"Yeah Daddy, I am sure it is, we can't let this happen again."
Bob cleared his throat. "So Miriam, after we talked to a doctor, there is an indication that your addiction to alcohol is caused by deppp…uhm…by...unresolved conflict. That's why; we think you probably need to see a psychologist to discuss things. What do you say?"
Miriam laughed. "You can't be serious B! I am fine."
Olga leaned forward. "Mummy Please, we don't wanna something bad happen to you again! Don't you know how scared you've made us feel all this time?"
"It's okay Miriam, I talked to a psychologist before and it did help!" said Helga.
"Yeah Miriam, I don't even know if it's a good idea or not but let's give it a try," said Bob.
All eyes fell on Miriam, hoping she would say yes.
Miriam sighed. "Okay."
A beautiful smile welcomed Miriam as she stepped in the counseling room. "I am Dr. Grace. Please have a seat Mrs. Pataki," said the woman wearing white blazer and dark blue skirt. Her long black hair was tightened into low pony tail.
"Ah just call me Miriam doc," said Miriam as she sat on the couch.
"Okay, do you want to have some drink, Miriam?"
"Drink?"
A bottle, a blender and a glass of smoothie suddenly popped up on Miriam's head.
"Yeah, do you want some coffee or tea perhaps?"
"Coffee…tea...oh I thought…." Miriam laughed. "No Thanks doc."
"So how are you feeling today?" said Dr. Grace friendly, a clipboard was on her lap.
"A little bit weird, I've never been to a psychologist before." Miriam's eyes swept around.
"Just relax Miriam; we're going to have fun," said Dr. Grace, smiling brightly. Her brown eyes were sharp and focused.
"Right, so what we're gonna talk about doc?"
"I guess we can start by discussing the reason you're here." Dr. Grace glanced at her clipboard.
Miriam crossed her legs and reclined her seat. "Alright, I was an alcoholic and my husband and my daughters think I have depression. So here I am."
"Hmm so you don't think you have depression?" said Dr. Grace calmly.
"Of course I don't…I mean I have a lovely family. I have a hardworking husband and two wonderful daughters. One of them even is a straight A student. I don't see anything to be depressed about, doc."
"I am glad that you're feeling good about your family. But how do you feel about yourself?"
How do I feel about myself? Miriam suddenly looked blank. Inside her head, she mentally searched for the answer. She was in the dark room surrounded by file cabinet. Let's see. She checked all the file cabinet one by one but they all were EMPTY. She ran to a computer, typed 'how do I feel about myself?' and clicked 'search' but the only words that appeared on the screen were 'Nothing is found'. She put her hands on her head. Oh How am I going to answer this? she panicked but then she smiled as she clicked 'alternative answer'.
"Good." Miriam smiled.
Dr. Grace nodded. "Can you tell me about your everyday life, do you work or—?"
"No, I am a full-time housewife but I once worked replacing my husband at our company. I did it very well but I decided to quit."
"Why?"
Miriam lower her tone of her voice. "It made me forgot a lot of things. I guess being business woman doesn't suit me."
"What kinds of jobs that suit you then?"
Miriam looked up and stroked her chin.
Hmm let's see… Teachers? …No I can't be a good role model for my students. Singers?...No I am too old for this. Psychologists? Oh come on!
"I don't know." She shrugged her shoulder. "Perhaps, being a housewife is the perfect job for me."
Dr. Grace wrote something on her clipboard. "Well, being a housewife is lovely and it takes a lot of hard work too just like any other jobs. Besides doing domestic things what else do you like to do at home?"
Miriam gave a startle look. "I like doing uhm many things…so many doc, I can't mentioned one by one." She laughed nervously.
Dr. Grace smiled. "What was your dream when you're a child, Miriam?"
Dream?
Mirriam suddenly found herself in a place full of graves. She looked at the gravestone one by one. No..Not this one! She kept checking the gravestone.Not this one!She kept walking around. Aha! She said as she stopped right in front of the smallest and the oldest grave. She took a shovel and dug it. In there, she found a piece of paper. She took it and stared at a picture on it. A picture once she drew long long times ago— a picture of a handsome prince and a beautiful princess.
"I forgot, that's so long time ago, no need to talk about it now, right?" Miriam laughed.
"Right, so when did you start drinking?"
"I don't really remember, probably when I was 20 or 21 but don't worry I quit."
"That's good."
"Yeah if I took another bottle of alcohol then I'd have to wave goodbye to the world." Miriam laughed. "That's what my doctor said."
"I am glad you take it seriously. Did you drink everyday before?
Miriam lowered her eyes. "Almost."
"How about your daughters, were they okay with that?"
"I guess not. I never blatantly got drunk in front of them. I tried to be a good role model for them no matter what."
"How about your husband?"
"He didn't mind as long as I didn't drink too much."
"Did your drinking habit affect your relationship with him?"
"You mean did I always fight with him. Is that what you trying to ask?"
"Sort of."
"No, we don't fight, we hate drama. I hate drama."
Big red crossed for drama... yeah.
"I see, can you tell me what is he like?"
Miriam leaned her head."He's very passionate person especially about his job. He's very enthusiastic. He never let anyone get him down. He's great, isn't he?"
Dr. Grace smiled. "What about your daughters, what are they like?"
"My first daughter, Olga? She's perfect daughter you could imagine."
Miriam closed her eyes and saw images of Olga everywhere, Olga playing piano, Olga holding trophies, Olga wearing medals.
She opened her sparkling eyes and continued, "She's beautiful and clever. She got straight As since she was on the third grade. She's also a talented pianist and oh she also won lots of trophies. "
"That's great. And how about your second daughter, what's she like?"
"Helga?"
Miriam closed her eyes and she saw nothing but the dark. She suddenly heard an angry voice echoed around the room.
Mom! I am late for school and no one made my lunch! … Miriam you forgot to pick me up AGAIN! ...Miriam I'm starving where's the food!...
"She's very smart and she's funny, she calls me by name sometimes." Miriam grabbed a tissue and wiped her eyes.
"Is everything okay?" said Dr Grace softly.
"I suppose so."
"I understand if you're not willing yet to talk about everything right now. It's our first session after all." Dr. Grace glanced at her watch. "I guess our session is up, Mrs Pataki."
"So what's your conclusion doc?"
"You're fine Mrs. Pataki. However, I noticed that you seem to have some repressed feelings "
"Like what?"
"That's what we're going to figure it out."
"What if after we figure it out and we can't do anything about it?"
"Well, we'll never know if we never try. Do you keep journal?"
"No."
"I strongly suggest you to keep journal, a place where you can fully express your thoughts, feelings, and emotions there. You can write everything, what you love, what you hate. Journal is a good tool to keep contact with your inner self which I think that would help you in this case."
"Sounds interesting. Do I have to show it to you?"
"It's up to you. If you're comfortable, you can do that, but if you're not, it's perfectly okay to keep it to yourself. It's been scientifically proven that writing is a healthy habit. So, it will do any good for you," said Dr. Grace, smiling.
"Okay, see you next week doc."
Miriam walked out of the building.
Miriam went upstairs. She opened the door and saw her eleven-year-old daughter sitting on her bed while writing a diary with a dreamy expression.
"Hi honey, what are you doing?" She sat at the bedside.
Very surprised, Helga quickly closed her diary. "Nothing, so how's your session Miriam?"
"It's going well. Dr. Grace seems like a very nice person."
"Good for you then."
"Do you keep diary, Honey?" Miriam asked, looking at a notebook on Helga's lap. "Dr. Grace also suggested me to do so. She said I could fully express everything there."
"Yeah, it's helpful. You can write everything you dare not speak." Helga laughed.
"Sounds fun. Maybe I am gonna start it tomorrow."
"You should." Helga walked to a desk and pulled out the drawer, there were lots of notebooks with various colors. She took one.
"Here, you can use mine, I have a lot." Helga said as she offered a purple notebook to Miriam.
Miriam paused for a while, staring at the notebook. "Thank you, Honey." Miriam took the notebook, smiling to Helga.
And Helga smiled back.