Kanan stumbled into her room, something inside of her cracking now that there was no threat of someone seeing her. Her chest burned, an overwhelming fire ripping through her and the sheer force of it made her feel as if cracks were appearing in her skin, every piece of herself involved with Mari bleeding through. She couldn't even make a sound since her throat was so choked up as she repressed the urge to cry. Steeling herself, Kanan stood over her desk, hands planted firmly on the mess of papers, fingers curling slightly when she tried to think about anything but Mari.
It didn't last long. Everything broke down the minute Kanan felt a few tears slip from her eyes and land on the back of her left hand. Resolve crashing, Kanan swiped everything off the desk in a swift, decisive motion, gritting her teeth as a deep ache rooted itself in her heart and she felt like it was being twisted and pulled right from her chest. Beyond caring at this point, Kanan cried, for the first time in months, she cried.
Images and memories flooded her brain, dancing around her head in some sick play on her emotions. The echoing sound of Mari's laugh, an internal count of all the times the flashlight went off at the jetty, reruns of their practice as Aquors and the worst of all, the feeling of holding Mari in her arms. If Kanan ever had the option to relive any part of her life, it would be any point where she had Mari. The warmth of her skin as they tried to pull each other as close as possible, as if any distance between them would tear them apart or the way Mari would press against Kanan's chest, finding it hilarious when she would get all flustered and even the way her hair tickled Kanan's neck. Kanan hiccupped and gasped, trying to catch her breath.
Tears spilled from her eyes, soaking her red cheeks and rolling down her neck. Her nose was beginning to run but Kanan didn't care. A spark of anger ignited itself inside her. Anger at Mari's refusal to care about her future and how utterly stubborn she'd been but mostly, Kanan was angry at herself. She prided herself on being so kind and caring but now she had hurt Mari, no matter how much she tried to deny it. She had forced Dia to go along with her plan, knowing that she'd trapped Dia between the two of them and how, even though Kanan thought it was best, she'd made things so toxic between her and the friend she had left. Worst of all, she lied. She lied to the girl she loved and in doing so, had lost everything they made together.
Feeling her legs grow weak, Kanan curled in on herself, finding some relief in the grounding hardness of the floor. Kneeling forward, Kanan rolled onto her side, eyes stinging and puffy, hair falling out of place and blotches of red smothering her face and neck. Her throat burned and her head thumped in protest, the pain making Kanan feel like her temples were being drilled into.
Trying to convince herself it was all going to be okay, Kanan whispered it to herself until the crying stopped and she picked herself up from the floor, only to collapse onto the bed, all the motivation seemingly drained from her body and replaced with a dull, numb sort of feeling. Kanan was so sure she was doing the right thing. Is that why it hurt so much?