Chapter 1

December 13, 2007

Today's Mello's birthday. I don't know where he is right now; he left Wammy's House a little over 3 years ago, when we got the news of L's death. So he and Near, my only two close friends here, are gone…

…And the only time I've felt lonelier than this was when my parents were killed fourteen years ago.

It's a tough world out there. I can't help but worry about my best friend every day. He's just barely 18, and he's out there alone, trying to catch Kira. For all I know, he could already be dead. I hate thinking like that, but it's very possible, seeing as L died going after Kira.

I glance outside at the dull grayish-colored sky and notice that it's beginning to snow. I shrug--it's not that surprising. I mean, it is December, after all…

I remember when Mello and I used to play in the snow as kids. How I'd always kick his butt in snowball fights, and this one time when he got revenge on me--he shoved at least six snowballs down the back of my pants.

I think…no, I'm sure that the reason his absence still hurts so much is that…well, about a year before he left, I realized Mello was more than just a buddy to me…

I realized that I was in love with him. Even though we're both guys, I just couldn't deny my feelings toward Mello. He never really said whether he felt the same, but he never rejected me or my 'advances' on him. He still treated me as a friend. But that wasn't good enough; I wanted our friendship to become more than that.

And what hurts more than anything is that he left without saying more than "Matt, I have to leave."

"Why, Mello?" I wanted to ask. "Why do you have to leave Wammy's? Why are you leaving me?" I've lost count of how many nights I've had to fall asleep on a wet pillow from crying so much. Anything that even remotely reminds me of Mello sets me off. The color black, chocolate, crosses, anyone with shoulder-length blonde hair…it's too much to handle sometimes.

It even drove me to smoking. Yes, I realize that it's not good for me, but without Mello, I don't care anymore. My existence is meaningless without his sapphire eyes penetrating me. Without the sound of him and Near bickering. Even the way he'd rant at me when Near beat him at something, like somehow it was my fault.

At times, to be honest, I've wanted this to kill me. When I fell in love with that psychotic, chocolate-addicted, and oh-so-sexy blonde, he became my sole reason to live. And now his life's in danger (again, assuming he's even still alive), and there's nothing I can do about it.

"Hey, Matt, you okay?" a girl standing in my doorway calls out to me. It's Jess; she's several years younger than me, and I barely know her. I do have a sneaking suspicion that she might like me, though.

"Do I look okay?" I ask her, wiping my swollen eyes.

"Well, no…aww, do you want a shoulder to cry on? Or a hug?" she asks, blushing. "I--I'm a good listener, Matt, if you need me…"

"Nah, I'm good. But thanks anyway, Jess," I reply, smiling at her. She giggles. Yep, she's definitely got a thing for me…

"Oh! I was supposed to give you this," she says suddenly. "Roger told me to come find you and give this letter to you." She holds out an envelope toward me.

"Oh, uh…thanks, I guess," I reply, getting up from my bed and walking over to her. "Does it say who it's from?"

"There's not a return address on it," she says, "but Roger said you'd 'know who it was when you read it', whatever that means…well anyways, here. Um, I should go now. I'll see you around, Matt!"

She walks quickly down the hallway, but before she turns the corner she faces me and--did she just wink at me?

I walk back over to my bed and take a look at the envelope for myself. Jess was right about the lack of a return address. I do notice the postmark in the upper right hand corner--"Los Angeles, CA, USA". Then I look at the mailing address in the center; the addressee is simply "Matt", of course, then the Wammy's House address. I recognize the handwriting almost instantly when I see my name, and suddenly my heart starts pounding.

This letter's from Mello!

I tear the envelope open and pull the letter out, ignoring the paper cut I inadvertently give myself.

Matt,

I am so sorry I haven't contacted you until now. I really haven't been able to stay in one place long enough. And I've been settled for about a year now, give or take, but still couldn't easily write you without having my mail tracked, because, well…I'm a mafia boss now. So that explains the lack of a return address. I can't exactly have people knowing where I am. But I couldn't bear knowing that you'd be worried about me, so I wanted you to at least know I'm alive.

Oh, also, Matty…I'm sorry I had to leave you, and that I didn't say much. I had two reasons for that. One, I knew you'd flip if you knew I was going after Kira, and probably insist on coming with me. I didn't want to put you in danger, and taking you with me would be doing just that. Which brings me to reason number 2. I knew I had no intention of you coming along, and couldn't handle doing the whole long, heartfelt goodbye thing. It would've hurt too much because…well, Matt, I love you. And I left to bring Kira down, not just to beat Near, but also because with him out of the way, we can be together without the constant fear of being killed looming over us.

I'm sure you've been through hell by yourself. I'm really sorry I had to do this to you. But remember that it's because I love you so much. Don't worry about me, though.

-Mello

He left…to risk everything…for me? For us?

I want to call him stupid because he's doing something so reckless (the mafia? Really?). I want to call him stupid for causing me to worry so much about him…

…But he's finally told me he loves me, so all I can do is call him stupid for not giving me his address.