It was perfect. It may of just been a temporary escape from my otherwise Hell hole of a life, but it was enough to leave me crumpling like a freshly baked pastry for longer than expected. My life seemed to be falling apart, not in the usual hyperbole of a teenage life kind of way. It really was. You know those days, where literally every possible little thing that could possibly go wrong... Like down to the smallest details of things that usually wouldn't seem like such a big deal, but after this motherload of overall crap has been dumped on you- This small insignificant thing happening is enough to push you over the edge? Well, welcome to the past year of my life.

I had finally come to the point where, I had nothing left. I wasn't even the religious type, but I was praying for something good... Some glimmer of hope to proof to me that my life wasn't a cycle of one tragedy after another. Well, in any case... Someone out there answered my pleads. This is the story of how I got up from Rock Bottom.

Muffled vibrations and a distant sounding beeping was ringing in my ears, eventually causing me to grunt and rolling over lazily digging through the scrambled mess of the blankets for my cellphone grumpily smashing my fingers against the end button silencing the rocus. I blinked sleepily lying in the silence, wracking my brain to remember the previous night but it seemed to just be a blanked blur. I shuddered to myself pulling the blanket around my shoulder tightly as I rolled back onto my side. I knew in my subconcious the people I hung out with, the stuff I was doing, it was all wrong. This wasn't how I wanted my life to be. This wasn't what I had planned for myself.

Little was I aware yet, but this night. What happened this night, this was the last straw. This was the day I knew I needed the stop the life I was living.

All of a sudden it came back to me. It all came back to her in a disgusting horrifying blur. It hit me like a bag of bricks and I felt a sinking feeling growing the pit of my stomach. It all began at Ryan, my boyfriends house early the previous night. Where most of my nights started... I showed up not long after six thirty at his pathetic excuse of an apartment. He shared it with his best friend Darren, he was one of those guys you see walking towards you on the sidewalk and itch to cross the road or just stop in your tracks and turn the other way. He was a scumbag, but althought I'd never admit it then Ryan was too. They had one beaten up looking couch, the floor was dirty and usually scattered with empty alcohol bottoms, dirt, and whatever else you could imagine. It was a one bedroom, Darren used the living room as his bedroom... Although it usually also doubled as a dining room, kitchen and once bathroom. I banged loudly on the door since I could hear music blaring on the inside, it always shocked me they never had noise complaints... But I guessed, glancing around at the grunginess of the building in general, their neighbours were probably similar to them. After a few seconds I could hear the sound of muffled stumbling coming towards the door followed by the clink of the locks, then the door swung up. Darren leaned against the door, in a dirty looking wife beater and a pair of scuffed up jeans with a grimace on his face that gave me chills. He was tall, much taller than me and muscular with shaggy brown hair that fell in front of his face which he had a tendency of tucking behind his right ear. There was something just not right about his face, he just had one of those faces that even when he was smiling or being friendly -which wasn't frequent- it frightened you to your very core. You just couldn't trust him, but you wouldn't want him to know you were scared of him... I always felt he was like a dog, could smell when you were afraid and that excited him.

I felt his eyes scanning up and down my body, and he licked his lips starring me right in the eyes. I rolled my eyes, trying to keep up my "tough" attitude as I pushed by him "Where's Ryan?" I asked frowning a bit when I noticed he wasn't sitting in his usual spot on the couch either ripping on a bong, smoking a dart or snorting a few lines. I heard the door shut behind me "Still at work for another half hour." Darren almost purred as I could feel his presence coming closer behind me. I could feel my heart racing, and I tried to catch my breath so he wouldn't sense my fear. He laughed and put his hands on my shoulders giving them a quick squeeze before sliding past me and plopping down on the couch... "Relaaaax Scots, I don't bite." He winked before slid forward chopping up a line of white crystals, then glanced up at me out of the corner of his eye. "Grab a seat eh, we'll get the party started before Ry shows up."

I hesitated for a moment before I strutted past him and slid down next to him, leaving about 6inches between us just to be safe. Within the next half hour I did more drugs and Darren kept refilling me shots to help, as he said "Losen up." The more I consumed the easier it got to feel comfortable with Darren, as we laughed together and I found myself leaning against his shoulder- more to keep myself up than anything. I greeted Ryan with a sloppy kiss and jumping into his arms, pushing him against the wall from my weight. After that was when the rest of the night seemed to turn into a blur, I spent most of the night wrapped around Ryan's hip and his hand was slipped into my back pocket giving a few squeezes every now and then. More and more people were showing up the more the sun drooped beneath the horizen. Even under the influence to the extreme I still felt unsafe, I could feel the wandering eyes of creepy guys following me around. I knew nothing would happen as long as I was with Ryan since he had a repuation as one of those guys you wouldn't want to mess with, and he was protective as hell of me... But I still had that nagging feeling that something bad was about to happen, I couldn't shake it.

After who knows how long, I noticed Ryan nodding to a guy with long greasy blonde hair in the corner then the guy slipped out the door. Ryan leaned over to my ear "I'll be back in a minute babe." he purred in my ear squeezing in my back pocket before beginnging to slip his hand out. I clung onto him looking up into his eyes with a pleading look, "Don't leave..." I whispered slurring my words. He laughed and kissed me hard on the lips, slipping his tongue into my mouth his hand rested on the low of my back pushing me hard against his chest, I could tell so he could simply just feel my breasts against him. "I'll be just a minute, and when I come back-" He whispered breaking apart from my lips. "We can have our own party." He said with a wink then jogged over to the door looking back at me before stepping out and shrugged, "Someone has to pay the bills! I'll be back in a minute!"

As soon as I heard the door close I felt like fresh meat on sale, I hated Ryan's friends. They were all moral lacking creeps, who would do anything to get what they want. They put themselves before anybody else. I slipped out of the room and made my way speedily down the hall to Ryan's room- the only place I felt safe right now. His room was covered with dirty clothes, scattered all over the floor. I kicked my way through the clothes and plopped down on his bed resting my head in my hands. After a couple minutes I heard the door creak open, and my head shot up meeting eyes with Darren. I bolted to my feet, which clearly was not a wise idea considering the amount of drugs and alcohol I had already consumed throughout the night I nearly topelled right over only to be caught by Darren's large arms. I heard him chuckle to himself as he helped me to my feet, "Easy, I was just coming to check on ya... The guys out there are creeps and I just wanted to make sure you were alright." He said as I dropped back down on Ry's bed feeling the world spinning around me, I heard Darren kick the door shut before sliding down beside me watching me. "Rough night?" He teased, I could tell I was probably green and looked like a mess. "Look, I know we've never been the best of friends... And I just wanna make peace," He muttered, I could hear him pouring two shot glasses... I hadn't even noticed he brought a bottle in, I could barely raise my head as I squeezed my eyes shut to make the spinning stop. "Think you got it in you for one more peace-making drink?" he said holding a glass out to me with the same sneaky grin across his face. I lifted my head up to look at him before grabbing the glass out of his hand nodding, "Friendship." I slurred before clinking his glass and throwing it back, feeling it sting down my throat.

I knew right away something was wrong, I could feel my fingertips tingling- like a numbing sension, and it grew up throughtout my arms, engrossing my whole body. I looked up at him with fearful eyes, trying to say something but I couldn't find my voice. He just stared at me, grinning before putting a finger to his lip "Shhh" he whispered lying me down. I was screaming in my head, I could feel the darkness creeping into my vision- trying desperatly to keep my self concious. I could feel him sucking on my neck, one hand working on my chest... The other making it's way down to fumble with the buttons of my jeans, before the darkness consumed me entirely.

I could feel myself shuddering uncontrollably as I thought back to everything that happened. I looked down at what I was wearing now, one of Ry's giant sweaters... No pants and I could feel my underwear was on like someone had roughly yanked it up. My eyes wandered around the mess of Ryan's room, sunlight was peeking through the window, and I could feel him breathing heavily still asleep beside me. Tears were welling up in my eyes, I sprung up and shoke him awake. "Babe, babe!" I pleaded until his eyes opened sleepily. "Fuck Scot..." he groaned reaching his hand over to his beside table to grab the alarm clock that read 9:45AM "What the fuck, it's so fuckin' early what is it..." He said grumpily rubbing his eyes, then looking at me. I could tell as soon as he saw my eyess welling up he knew right away, something was up. He sat up putting both hand on my cheeks, concern written all over his face. "What, what is it." He said, his cute sleepy voice gone... He was all seriousness now. I tried to catch my breath and keep from tearing up as I explained what happened, I could hear my voice cracking as I spoke. I didn't even get a chance to finish completely before Ryan was on his feet in the living room, I could hear him screaming followed by Darren's screams. Then things starting to break and thumps and yells before the door slammed and silence echoed through the apartment. I pulled my knees up to my chest, squeezing my eyes shut, wanting it to end, I just wanted it all to end. This isn't the life I wanted, this isn't what I wanted to do with my life fuck. After a few moments of silence Ryan came back into the room, he had a gash on his forehead that was bleeding down the side of his face... As well as blood seeping out of his nose. I sprung to me feet, but he put his hand up before I could say anything "I'm fine, you should see him." He teased, or at least I hoped he was teasing before he pulled me into his chest holding me tightly as I cried softly into his shoulders.

You know those moments, where everything in your life changes. That moment where you realize you're better than you thought you were. Not in the cocky way, in the way that you acknowledge what you deserve. Maybe you haven't had this moment yet, but when you do... You'll know. It's the moment that you'll remember for the rest of your life, it's the moment that defines the growth in a person. The moment that you begin to become the person you're going to be.

That was mine.

Standing there, in the arms of the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, in a beaten down apartment... Hungover, tears streaming down my face. I knew, I knew I was going to have to change my lifestyle. I needed something positive, and being here in this life wasn't going to bring me the positivity and happy life I longed for.

I told Ry I needed to just go home and think, he understood. He wasn't a bad guy, infact I really wished we could remain friend after I ended it with him... But I knew that wouldn't work. I pulled on my jeans and pulled my hair up into a messy bun, I spent the next few minutes digging through Ry's bed for my phone and car keys and kicking through the mess of clothes on the floor for my boots then headed to the door.

"Scot..." I heard Ry's voice from behind me, and I turned to face him as he shuffled over to me. Something in his voice made my heart sink, like he had read my mind. The look on his face and the broken-ness of his voice was heart breaking. "I'm sorry, this is all my fault. If I had been here, been here to take care of you like a real boyfriend should... If I had never involved you in my dangerous fucking life, exposing you to all these creeps and assholes...This would have never happened. Fuck I'm sorry, you could do so much fucking better and I just-" I put my hand over his mouth silencing him, I couldn't take anymore. "Ry, stop. Please. You're an amazing boyfriend, I couldn't ask for anything better. Please don't blame yourself please." I pleaded, wiping away a droplet of blood that was hanging onto his eyebrow. It broke my heart to say those words, not because they were a lie... Because they were true. It was going to kill me to end it with him, I loved him so much. But I needed to do this, for myself. I needed to do what was right for me.

I could tell that helped cuz a flicker of hopefulness crossed his eyes. "I love you Scotty." he whispered leaning over kissing my lips, more passionately then he ever had before. Everything about him right now was more passionate and honest then it had ever been before. God he was killing me. I broke away looking up into his eyes, "I love you too." I whispered, hearing my voice crack... Begging myself not to cry now. He could hear it in my voice, and he stroked my cheek. "I'm always here for you, I will do whatever I can to take care of you okay? Come over later if you want, or I'll come to you. Just call me or text me when your home safe." He said before kissing me on my forehead. I nodded then quickly stepped out the door pulling it shut behind me. I exhaled slowly, feeling my heartbeat racing.

When I got home I texted Ry,"Home xo" Then dropped down onto my couch staring up at the ceiling. I thought that being home in my apartment would make me feel safer, but it didn't. I wanted out, I wanted to be doing something. I didn't want to just lie around and mope. I grabbed my phone again, scrolling through my contacts stopping at my brother. I bit my lip, he was the person I wanted to see right now I decided so I clicked the Call button and held it up to my ears waiting for him to answer.

"Is this a joke? My baby sister alive and capable to make phone calls before noon?" I laughed glancing over at the time... 10:34AM, it was early for me on a Saturday. "Stranger things have happened!" I said smiling a bit, "What are you doing today? I need some quality time with my brother." I asked hopeful he was free. "Well... I was thinking about heading up to the rink around 12, whatdya say some pick me up around 11:30 and I'll even treat you to coffee before I kick your ass at some puck?" I felt my lips pulling into an uncontrollable smile, being with him always made me feel better and ever since I'd been dating Ryan I had mostly devoted all my time to being with him, I'd lost contact with a lot of my family. "Perfect, see you then." I said before clicking End.

I went and had a quick shower, trying to wash away the feeling of absolute disgust and shame. I popped a few advils, chugging a whole waterbottle of water as I stood infront of the bathroom mirror doing the best I could with makeup. I towel dried my hair before pulling on a pair of jeans a cozy black sweater. I threw my goalie gear into my bag, then checked the time... 11:13. I grabbed a toque, pair of mitts, my phone, car keys, hockey bag and pulled on my boots as I headed out the door. Playing hockey was something I loved doing more than anything, another thing I had given up once I started dating Ryan though. It made me feel alive, forget about everything else. I loved it.

Luckily I lived only about 15minutes away from my brother and I pulled up right at 11:31, he was already standing outside and threw his bag in the back seat then jumped in with a big grin on his face. "Long time no see." He teased ruffling my hair a bit. I rolled my eyes pulling out of the parking lot. "Yeah, I know... It's been awhile. I'm sorry about that, I've been preoccupied." I said glancing over at him, I saw him cock an eyebrow. "That sounded pretty sincere... So how is the boyfriend anyways?" I chewed a bit on the inside of my cheek, just thinking about Ryan my my insides toss around still. "To be honest, I'm thinking about breaking up with him. He's just... Not what I think I want in life." I said with a shrug. I could see Declan nodding his head in approval beside me, "I think that's probably the smartest thing you've ever said." He said with an encouraging smile, "You know I'm here for you if you ever need anything though right..." He said suddenly sounding more serious than I'd ever heard him sound before in my life. I nodded, "Don't worry I know." Luckily his apartment was a short drive to the rink, and I pulled into the parking lot not long after that glad to end the conversation. After that the topic was dropped and we spent the next little while teasing and pushing eachother around like we usually do as we walked in to the benches and began to lace up. The rink was fairly empty, but that's why we always went to this one... It was a decent sized rink, but the Arena itself was pretty small so not a lot of people went to it ever since the new fancy big one was built not far down the street.

I watched a few of the younger boys horsing around, shooting at the empty net on one end. The other end was an older boy, probably early 20's if that... Practising on the net on the other side alone. I couldn't keep my eyes at him, he was like magic on ice and I'd never seen someone with such skilled hands. It was magical, that's really the only way to describe it. Declan was already laced up and on the ice skating circles around the younger boys like he was there age. It made me smile abit, he was a child at heart... Clearly they had all played together before, or maybe he had coached them in his temporary time as a Peewee League coach. "Hey Scot hurry up we need a goalie, go grab the other bag of pucks!" He yelled at me before drilling one of the boys into the boards. I raised my hand in acknowledgement, "Gimme a few minute to warm up first eh, haven't been on ice in awhile." I laughed before jogging into the locker room grabbing a bag of pucks out of the lockers and sliding them across the ice to him when I stepped on.

It really had been awhile since I'd been on ice, I really needed to stretch and do some skating around. Skated around abit on my own warming up my legs, but my eyes just kept wandering back to the guy on the other end. I just couldn't shake that there was something about him. After awhile I decided to bite the bullet and go in net for the first time in about a year, surprisingly I wasn't doing as bad as I expected I would have after so long a time off ice. After a while I slid my mask off with a concieted smile "I'm sorry Declan dearest, but I'm still waiting for you too... What were your words again, 'kick my ass'?" I said cocking an eyebrow at him, since he had still yet to score. "Shut up, I liked it better without a goalie." He said grumpily as I laughed to myself pushing over the side boards dropping my mitts and mask over into my bag. I leaned on my stick watching the boys play, not noticing the guy from the other end skating over the boards near me.

"Haven't seen you around here before." He said, startling me abit. He as leaning over the boards too grabbing a green Gatorade bottle out of his bag, his dreamy chocolate brown eyes flickering up into mine causing my heart to stop. "Brothers?" He asked nodding towards the boys who now had Declan pinned to the ground and wrestling around. I grined a bit, "Only one... The big one." I laughed, "Believe it or not I used to come here just about every day of the week until a year ago. First time back since then." I shrugged.

He smiled a bit watching the boys wrestling around on the ice, "Ahh, I see... I only just moved here about a year ago which is when I started coming here- Guess we just missed eachother." His voice made me melt, I wondered if he could literally hear my heart pounding through my chest. "I'm Sidney." He said pulling off a mit and extending a hand to me with a smile that literally could have killed me, I could barely heard over my heart pounding. "Scotty," I said extending my hand to his, thankful it was cold in here or my hand would have probably been dripping in sweat.

I had never felt this way before, I felt like he could see right through me with those shimmering chocolate brown eyes. It was like he was looking right into my soul, my heart skipped a beat upon contact with the soft skin of his hand. It wasn't rough and grungy like Ryan's... It was warm, despite the coolness of the arena. He smiled peering into my eyes, "Pleasure to meet you." He said politely as our hands drifted apart, I felt a small cringe of sadness in the pit of my stomach- missing the feeling of his touch. He leaned back against the boards beside me, smiling a bit to himself watching the boys horsing around with Declan still. My eyes flickered back and forth between them and this stranger, before I cleared my throat and spoke "So, what brings you here?" I questioned curiously quirking an eyebrow, "I mean most people don't come to an arena alone for at least an hour unless training or... ?" I trailed off, watching the corner of his mouth twitch into a smile before he licked his lips and shrugged. "You're observant eh?" He smiled turning to look me in the eyes, I returned the smile shrugging. "Well yes, as a matter of fact I am training... I dunno, I guess I just take my hockey life seriously." He said than cleared his throat noticeably changing the subject. "So Scotty, what's your story? You said you used to come here a lot... What made you stop?" He turned so he was leaning against the boards facing me, being able to take in everything about him just a few inches away from me... Driving my crazy. I had to keep reminding myself to keep my breathing even. I licked my lips and shrugged again, "Life happened. Things got hectic I guess, I never had the time..." I trailed off, pulling my eyes from him to drift lovingly around the arena. "I regret not being able to be here everyday." I said quietly. "Yeah, I wish you had been able to be here too." He said causing my head to snap back so my eyes were locked into his, the way he stared at me made me feel like I was the most precious thing on Earth. I could feel my cheeks heating up and my mouth was opened a bit, but sadly the moment was ruined by the sound of skates skidding up beside me.

"Hey Scot! Umm, I told the boys if they win I'd buy them lunch... But I forgot my wallet at home... So... How do you feel about IOU's?" Declan said excitedly as he slid up to me, the other boys already scrambling to change into their winter boots, I pulled my eyes from Sidney's to look apparently angrily at Declan. His eyes widened in an expression of apparent shame and embarrasment as he flickered looking back and forth between Sidney and I the muttered, "Erm sorry to interrupt..." As he scratched the back of his head, "It's fine." I said dismissively as he jumped over the boards and began pulling is own skates off, the boys already standing impaitently waiting. "Just take the boys and wait in the car... I'll be out in the minute." He smiiled appreciatively at me before jumping up, and giving me one last nod of approval and scuttled the boys out of the arena into the parking lot. Leaving Sidney and I alone in the arena.

I turned so I was facing Sidney again, he already had his eyes on me. I gave a half hearted smile, "I guess, this is goodbye..." I said trying to hide my sadness, as I hoped up onto the boards about to swing my legs over but he put his hands on my leg stopping me, gently but still firmly. I looked up into his eyes, they looked eager. "I- I hope this isn't too forward..." He began now only a few inches from me, causing my heart rate to quicken to a rapid speed- I thought it was going to explode. "But I don't, I don't want this to be goodbye." He said, his voice was low so only I could hear. Even though there was no one else around, it was like his words were only for me. No one else in the world would ever hear what he was saying but myself. Like they were made for me. Somehow, I don't know how but I managed to find my voice as I looked up at him from under my eyelashes. "I don't either..." I said gazing into his eyes, I never wanted to leave here. This moment. It felt like the world had stopped spinning, nothing else matter but the connection between him and I right now. This was the greatest high of all. "If I give you my number, will you call me?" I managed to say, my voice sounding my stronger and confident than I felt. I watched his eyes brighten, his mouth twitching as he tried to hide his smile. "Does this mean, I can see you again- soon?" He asked, masking the excitment in his eyes wonderously, but I could feel it. "As soon as you call me." I said meering the smile placing my hand delicately on his own on my lap squeezing it gently, sending sparks through out my whole body before I swung my legs over the boards.

I sat on the bench unlacing my skates, as he leaned over the boards watching me... I could feel his eyes burning holes into my head but I tried to remain cool as I placed my gear in my bag. I pulled my boots and toque back on and stood up, swinging my bag over my shoulder and turned so I was facing him. He towered over me now as his skates addd a few extra inches to his height. I ripped a piece of the calendar that was pinned against the wall behind me off, and used the pen that was attached to it to scribble my number down. I turned and extended it out to him, without containing my huge smile. He took it, not taking his eyes from me. My cheeks flushed, and I licked my lips again, "Well I guess I should get going... See you soon?" I asked hopefully. "Definitely." He said in a soothing voice, I nodded and turned beginning to head out "Goodbye, Sidney." I said beaming at him before turning the corner to the parking lot. "Goodbye bye Scot."