Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from ER.

AN: I know what you're probably thinking: it's been done before, but I was bored and this came out and I wanted to put it up to see if anyone would enjoy reading it. Please give it a chance before you rush to tell me that I've ripped off your fic, any similarities are purely coincidental!

Hallelujah

Dear John,

I'm not sure how to do this. I don't want you to read this letter and think of it as cheap and tacky, see it as full of clichés and platitudes. I want it to be real, something that you will understand. Maybe I should be doing this in person…

I wrote the last part four hours ago and have since spent the time trying to call you, it's hard to get a signal in Africa then? I guess talking to you is out of the question and I'm not chasing you to Africa, (would you even want me to?)

Here goes; Carter, John, love of my life, cause of this pain, I don't know how to address you. Carter will do for now (why break the habit?). Carter, as you must be aware by now, (if not you are more fucked up than I thought) that you're in Africa saving lives, being a hero, fulfilling a life long dream for all I know and I'm over here in Chicago trying to live without you.

You told me in a letter that I should move on, in other words that you already have and that I should, for lack of a better saying, fuck off! Well that's fine but I figured a goodbye usually goes two ways, unless one of the people are dead, are you dead? You could be for all I know!

So, bye…(so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!) Take care over there, Luka may still be alive but he was inches from death, I don't want to loose you. I mean, I know I already have but I don't want to get word that you were shot in an ambush and died alone, in a foreign country, bloodied and scared or catch a disease and die a slow, painful death, all the while knowing that back here you could be treated, tortured by the thought of all the medicine and technology that we posses, that you are capable of using, all because you wanted to help those less fortunate than you. (Bet writing a cheque doesn't sound so bad now does it?)

I should probably tell you that I agree with your decision, that I'm happy that you're happy but I'm not going to bullshit you. It hurts like hell and a part of me hopes you never come back so that once I bury my feelings they will never have to be resurrected, that I'll never have to feel the agony of being so close to having you (for "as long as we both shall live") and loosing you. Letting go, giving up, giving in.

Then there's the other part of me, the one that wishes I could have been nicer, more considerate, harder on Eric, more reliant on Maggie. Old habits die-hard, I guess. I want you to know that I'm sorry, sorry for pushing you away (to Africa?), sorry for putting my family first time and time again, sorry for wasting almost three years of your life.

I'm tired of chasing people Carter, (I've been doing it my whole life) otherwise I'd probably be there demanding an explanation, begging you to "home" (or is that your home now?).

Anyway, I should go, I've wasted enough time on this letter (on you), I'm not even sure if I'm going to send it, I don't even know if it will reach you. So long Carter, if I never see you again, know this: I love you, think I always will, hope not but that's usually the way these things go.

Hallelujah

Abby

Please review, constructive criticism welcome, feel free to flame but leave an e-mail address so that I can get in touch.