Title: Bittersweet
Author: Sariyuki
Date: 4 June 2004
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura Kazuya-sama whom I worship on daily basis.
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What is love?
Gojyo looked at the sleeping face of the woman he just bedded. What was her name again? He couldn't recall. There was her long chestnut hair covering the white pillow cover. He supposed he could say that she was beautiful. Gojyo averted his gaze to the ceiling. What was he doing here, he asked himself.
Getting laid. Yes, that was it.
It was dark but why was it that he could just see images as clearly as if the room were alight with fire? Gojyo stretched out his hand. What was he doing here, he asked again and let go a heavy sigh.
Running away.
How long should he run, he wondered. His hand fell on his side and suddenly tiredness caught up with him. He didn't want to get up and go back. Not after what he knew. How could he possibly face both of them and act like nothing happened? He didn't want to go back. He couldn't.
It hurt.
Gojyo placed his hand on his bare chest. Why was it so painful there every time he played that scene in his head? He didn't expect to see it. He didn't expect to walk in on them. He never knew Sanzo could kiss like that. And the expression on that face...
He would never forget that look on Hakkai's face. It must be the look that he gave to his late wife every time he looked upon her. It had to be. And he was giving it to that blasted monk...
A surge of pain came again to the area of his chest. Why did it hurt so much?
Fuck. Why did it hurt?
And here he was thinking, he could forget it all by getting drunk and getting laid. Still the image of them together, it didn't want to leave him alone. He didn't understand. He never felt like this before. He didn't know why it hurt to see Hakkai with somebody else. He just... didn't expect it. Hakkai was always with him. He was his-
Friend... and that was all there was to it. What was he expecting?
Gojyo got up from the bed and clothed himself silently. Why couldn't he realise it earlier?
He went out from the room without even a glance back.
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The next evening...
Here we are again, thought Gojyo. The usual arrangement, the normal scene of their every day life. Sanzo sitting at the far end of the table, reading old newspaper that the inn provided, Goku busy with his food, Hakkai doing everything all at once and him... downing even more cans of beer than what was good for him. Why did everything feel so ill tonight?
"Hakkai," he heard Sanzo called. "Coffee."
Hakkai obliged the request and poured the black liquid into Sanzo's mug. Gojyo watched closely. His eyes didn't seem to want to focus. Those two people acted just like they normally did. Somehow he expected to see something more than this. Nothing seemed to change, he didn't understand. The ordinariness of it all hurt him even more.
"Hakkai," he heard himself spoken the name.
"Yes, Gojyo?" Hakkai turned around, still with the kettle in his hand.
"Coffee," Gojyo said.
Both Hakkai and Sanzo looked mildly surprise at his request. He glared back defiantly. Sanzo ignored the glare and turned his attention back to the paper while Hakkai scanning the number of beer cans on Gojyo's part of the table before moving towards him.
"I think this is the first time you ever asked for coffee."
Hakkai took a random empty cup on the table and poured the coffee into it. "It's still very hot, though, so be careful."
Gojyo looked up. His vision was hazy with alcohol and his mind was numb with jealousy but he could still see the smile. When did it start, he wondered, when did he start to think that the smile only belonged to him? Doesn't he know, he thought. Doesn't he know I would do anything-
Everything.
For him.
Like that night when I found him...
"Gojyo?" Hakkai's voice was concerned. "Are you alright?"
Gojyo mentally shook himself. "I'm alright," he snapped irritably. Why would he be not alright?
Hakkai looked puzzled but said nothing. Gojyo knew, his friend was never one to pry into others' business. Never one to questions the unnecessary. He always seemed to understand everything. He seemed to always be there. Only this one time, Gojyo wished more than anything-
... but that's stupid, isn't it?
Hadn't he been fed up with stupid wishes already? Hadn't he learnt from his childhood experience already?
"Alright then," Gojyo heard Hakkai replied. "Just tell me if you need anything."
There was that smile again.
He took a sip out of the cup and stuck out his tongue. "Bleah! What the hell is this?"
Hakkai chuckled lightly. "Is it too bitter for you?"
"This is like mud!"
"That's how Sanzo likes his coffee, I'm afraid," replied Hakkai with only the faintest hint of indulgent smile upon his face.
There was that pain again in his chest.
He realised now. The pain wouldn't go away no matter what he did. He had found out what love was. But he was too late.
He took another sip of the bitter drink in his cup. It was hot and bitter just like Hakkai said. The taste lingered in his mouth. Like the pain that lingered in his heart.
But if he didn't witness what he saw, he'd probably never realise his feeling. Would it be worse or better, he did not know.
"Ch," he muttered under his breath. How pathetic he must look.
How pathetically uncool.
Hakkai was refilling the mug on the table. Gojyo stared at the back of his friend's head longingly. His eyes were getting heavier, hazier. Love was here but he was far away. There was still some of the black coffee in his cup, which he's holding close to his lips. He downed the rest of the coffee in one gulp.
So what is love?
Love is like the smile upon his face
And its taste...
Is bitter like the coffee that he gave.
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