Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Ghoul.
Thanks to my wonderful beta Bluejay for going over this :)
Kaneki's mood lightened up as he heard the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps. On instinct, he sighed and turned around, a half-smile on his worn-out face; only to see a college student run by, late for class. It wasn't Hide. Kaneki turned back around, caught between a mix of disappointment and- it wasn't Hide.
It was like being winded and knocked out at the same time; everything rushed towards him in fragmented memories and kaleidoscopes of feelings. He stumbled forward as if dealt a physical blow. The hurt built up within him, twisting and throbbing as it morphed from hurt, to pain, to a new degree of agony he had never felt before. His breaths shortened, his pulse accelerated, his pupils dilated; everything was off kilter.
Then it all stopped as every hour, every minute, every second seized him and he was trapped in that single moment of realization that it would never be Hide.
Because Hide was gone.
He stood there. Still. How long had he kept himself busy so he could live in denial of the fact that he had lost his precious fri-. No. His family. The only family he had had left. He had always been living a life where he imagined Hide was safe, somewhere else, somewhere far away from here. He had not even mourned Hide's death.
Hide had given Kaneki his everything and yet . . . Kaneki suddenly felt that he didn't even know Hide. He had never given it much more than a once or twice over until now; how lonely must Hide have been his whole childhood so that he could pick out someone as lonely as himself and how brave he must have been to hold out a hand. How many cold nights had Hide suffered through so that he didn't ever want anyone to feel the same way? How many tears were hidden behind the light of Hide's smile? Kaneki felt the deepest of shame. Their conversations had always been limited, shallow, and now there were so many unanswered questions.
If only they had been a little braver, a little less scared of losing each other, perhaps those questions would have been answered, and Hide would be standing beside him right now. Hide had held out so many hands and now Kaneki wished he had taken them. The light that led the way seemed to fade as he realized that he had failed. He had failed to protect Hide, the one he had wanted to protect all along. Kaneki thought he had always been the scared one, but now he realized that Hide had always been just as terrified. Terrified of losing the one he loved, because now it was glaringly obvious that Hide had loved Kaneki like a brother, and that no matter what happened, no matter what the cost, he would protect Kaneki. Because while Hide was the first friend Kaneki had, Kaneki was also the first friend Hide had.
Kaneki fell to the floor, devoid of will, devoid of want – numb. He had always talked about protecting, yet there was no one left to protect. His legs gave out from beneath him; the strength that kept them up departed him the minute Hide had. A calm took over him, a sad, lonely calm. He wanted to go home, but without Hide . . . there was no place left for him to go.
Though his limbs had been ripped off countless times, he hadn't felt that he was missing a piece of himself until now. And for the first time since the torture, he cried.