The Glance Back

By: Batgirl

Rating: PG-- for language

Summary: John reflects back on the recent Thanagarian threat and tries to play out what COULD have happened.

Disclaimer: I do not own DC comics or all other related characters. They all belong to their respected owners.

Note: Starcrossed spoilers. If you haven't seen it, you shouldn't read, unless you WANT to. I'm not stopping you!

'Why didn't I see the tales earlier? Why was all of this so hard to see? Oh yeah. THAT'S right. I was blinded-- blinded by love. I'm a soldier! I'm trained to see things coming, not let it fly right in front of my eyes without seeing it.' were the silent thoughts that argued back and forth in his head. 'Why didn't she tell me? Why didn't she try to speak up? There has to be some sort of reason-- Why isn't she talking me!?'

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" John Stewart remembered saying to her.

"I tried to!" She was sympathetic, weakened, vulnerable. "I tried so many times but I couldn't! John I tried!"

"Apparently you didn't try hard enough." John crossed his arms over his chest, noticing that he was going into military-mode with her. He became hardnosed with her. It wasn't mean to, but, what she did? How couldn't he?! His ring flared, my temper growing right along side the glow.

She turned her back to John, her massive wings folding against her small frame, almost as if she were using them as a shield, protecting herself. She opened her mouth to speak to him, but bothing came out. 'Please let me get through this...' she whispered to herself. She didn't want to be there, she didn't want him to see her this was.

In reality, all John wanted to do is reach out and touch her. Pull her into his arms, cradle her and tell her everything was going to be okay. But this time? Everyone knew that it wasn't going to be "okay." And she knew that indefinitly.

"Shhh... we all make mistakes..." would be the way John played things out.

"But you don't understand! The mistake I made-- It could have cost the entire Earth's population! You can't forgive that!"

"But you did the right thing in the end. You helped us defeat them. You helped save those billions of lives."

"NO." She insisted. "What I did. There is no way it could be forgiven. I've betrayed my home planet, and I've betrayed my adoptive planet."

"NO. Shayera. You helped SAVE your adoptive home."

Shayera then turned on her heel, her defenses kicked high into the air. Her massive wings stretched back, ready to take flight. "At WHAT cost!? TELL me!?" Hysteria was in the air. "You don't understand! Thanagar is going to be destroyed! It wasn't much, but it was my HOME TURF. Surely, if anyone, YOU would know what that means! I take PRIDE in Thanagar, and have offered my loyalty to it. And now what have I done to show my thanks? I turned my back, and now no doubt my planet is going to be destroyed!"

John's eyes went shallow. A part of what she said hit close to home. Yes, Earth was his home, and it was what he took pride in. He fought for his planet, for his country, for every living being on the earth, and yet he knew, that no matter what he did it wouldn't be good enough. He knew what position she was in. He wanted to express his sympathy towards her, but he couldn't. Why was it so hard for him to do so?

Maybe it was the fact that she failed to tell him about her betrothed? He was still bent on that. Why didn't she bring THAT up sooner? Did she still have feelings for that "other guy"? Was he just her "toy"? Her bitch?! How dare she play him like that! His nostrils filled with rage. He kept it in though, he knew she was upset and he didn't want to make her more so, despite his own feelings he had running deep within.

Shayera's hand raced up to her face, covering her eyes. She tried to hold back the tears, but the fell freely. "I don't understand-- They could have found another way to do it-- They took the easy way out-- WHY!?"

"They were desperate?" he said softly, kneeling next to her. "Desperation can bring out the worst in people," He reminded her.

She nodded, placing her head on his shoulder. "I don't want to leave," she whispered.

John replied, "Then don't."

"I have to..."

"NO you don't."

"I don't want to stay where I'm not wanted--"

"I want you." John insisted. "You KNOW how I feel about you."

"After the Thanagrians.... Earth will turn it's back to me... Apparently, I'm one with wings-- I can't be trusted. YOU said it yourself."

John swallowed hard. "You can't just LEAVE," he countered.

"I have to..." She said, closing her eyes.

"....do you remember when Superman was bent on destroying the world? He gained back what he had. It wasn't his fault."

"I'm not Superman."

John's glowing green eyes whisked over her, snapping back into reality. Even in his thoughts it seemed like she was going to go out into the unknown. He sighed weakly and pressed on.

Everything that happened after that went by so quickly, it felt like a blur.

"I love you." he muttered as she flew off into the golden sunset. John knew she could hear him, and they both knew he wasn't going to go after her.

What was done was done, and he couldn't change that. Her mind was made up and in all honesty no matter what he said was going to bring her back. If she did come back, it would have to be on her own terms. .. whenever that would be.

Days later, John lad his back on his couch, starring at the ceiling. He hadn't left the apartment for days and hadn't had much of an appetite. She was gone and this was the devastating reality of what happened after.

He rolled over, tears in his eyes. He wondered what Shayera was doing at that moment. She wondered if she left Earth or if she had gone into hiding somewhere on Earth. If she was on Earth-- WHERE was she? He desperately wanted to see her. He tried calling her apartment in Chicago earlier, but all he got was a, "Sorry. The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected."

He heard the clicks of his answering machine go off. "Hey John, this is Clark... Are you there?? Please pick up...? Bruce, myself, and the others are getting worried-- you're not returning our phone calls. You know, I know what happened hit you pretty hard, but just know that we're your friends and we're here if you need to talk. We're not turning our backs on you, EVER. Do you hear me? John..... call me back, okay? I'm at Bruce's. And... if you don't then I'll be forced to come over with Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Okay...?"

John listen as the answering machine beeped again, signifying that a message had been left and he shook his head. A very weak smile came to his face. "......you never HAVE turned your backs to me... even after MY mistakes..." he said to himself. "Ice cream," he grunted. His stomach seemed to rumble in response. "Easy killer.."

He pondered on whether to call him back just so he wouldn't have to be bothered, or to just let it go so he would bring the ice cream over. It had been a while since he put anything into his system.

John mindlessly walked over to his stereo and flipped it on, turning it to one of his desired stations. 'Maybe a bit of music will calm my nerves,' he thought.

"One! Is the loneliest number that you'll ever do! Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one--"

John growled and flipped the radio off. WHY did it have to be against him at a time like this!? He balled his fist and went to slam it into the device, but stopped himself. One broken arm is good enough, he didn't need two.

The pain, frustration, agony, heartbreak, and anger balled itself into a solid clump within and he collapsed to his knees, tears streaming.

It was clear. He just wasn't going to recover from it. Not for a long, long time.

[End]