The last time he held her like this, it was light and silly. She giggled and squirmed. And for the first time in his life, he had felt light, happy. She was warm, breathless and surprised at his sudden capture of her. He was surprised too. Never had he been so compelled to be close to another person.
Today, was not light and silly. She was still and quiet. He could still feel her warmth, smell her scent. But the scent was tinged with blood. He looked down at her sweet face and felt the weight of the world.
The five flights down the stairwell were hard. He just wanted to sit down and hold her close, while she was still warm. He wanted to hold her hand, caress her sweet lips, run his fingers through her hair. But he had a job to do. He had to do this for her.
Stepping outside in the sunlight reminded him of another time, one when her presence had commanded him to face his fears. She held him that day while he cried about the past. She held him together. Today, the bright sun in his eyes forced him to face the reality of situation. She was gone. He could not save her.
Maggie was crying. He walked to her so she could see her little sister one last time while she still had pink in her cheeks, while she still looked like herself. Rick helped him into the fire truck where he held her in his lap. He wanted to take her home. She would want to go home.
The ride did not take long, at least it did not seem to. He held her with his hand. He held her silky blonde ponytail. And he quietly cried. It was okay to cry, especially for her. She was a bright soul, her father's daughter. And she was gone.
The farm looked run down but not overrun. There were no walkers. The barn was gone and wildflowers had grown up in the garden and pastures. The house was not too bad, some possessions still there, still making it her home.
Maggie, Glenn, and Carl went into the house while he stood in the meadow, still holding her. She wasn't warm anymore. He knew it was time to say goodbye. Maggie brought one of her mother's quilts to him, laying it out by his feet. He carefully placed her on it and turned to see Rick carrying 2 shovels. Carol and Maggie sat with her while they dug, no one saying anything, there was nothing left to say.
He carefully wrapped her in the quilt, thinking how the bright yellow and blue flowers would make her smile. He carried her over to the newly dug grave and placed her in the center. The group all brought handfuls of wildflowers. He took the pretty yellow flower from Judith's chubby fist, laid it on the quilt, and slowly climbed out.
Father Gareth said a prayer. They all stood, heads bowed. And then they moved the fresh dirt over her. She was gone.
Maggie arranged the rest of the flowers across the mounded soil. He heard her quiet whispers of apologies and declarations of love. One by one, they all went back to the fire truck, leaving him alone with one last time.
He knew he should say something to her. But the only thing that came to mind was "thank you." She had showed him that he was not lost, that he could be part of a family. She showed him faith and hope. And he loved her. He hoped she knew that.
Climbing back in the fire truck and looking back one last time, the sun was setting over the meadow, bright rays in his eyes. He would always associate her with sunshine.
Sitting next to him, Maggie laid her head on his shoulder, sniffling. She held something small in her hand. He recognized her tangle of bracelets, the ones she wore covering her scar. Maggie carefully unclasped them and fastened them on his wrist. He looked down at the worn leather and saw the beat up charms that adorned them – a sun, a cross, and a tree. His faith, hope, and family – a gift from her.