She was the Fire

by Haitus80

Two years ago today I cut through the ties that bound me. I used a bloody pick ax and I never looked back. (My entry for the nine lives anniversary challenge.)

I wrote this for the nine lives anniversary challenge. I wanted to do it in first person because I have a really hard time writing that way and I wanted to see if I could keep people's attention because I know not a lot of you out there like first person stories. Anyway, It was a lot of fun to write and I hope you enjoy it. =)

She Was the Fire

Two years ago today I cut through the ties that bound me. I used a bloody pick ax and I never looked back. The transformation wasn't instantaneous. It took a while for me to sift through all of the bruises in my mind to actually find the woman that was hidden there. I fought for her and in the end, I think I succeeded. Unleashing her onto this new world, because I needed her. Looking back now, I know that she had been there all along. I just hadn't had the strength to pull her from those dark currents. I had let a tyrant shove her into a box, cementing her inside with his cruelty.

And so I kept track of the days that passed, reminding myself that I need to reflect on who I had been. I needed to remember where I was in that moment when that pick ax was put in my hands and I freed that woman that was hidden.

We were camped out near a lake and I managed to sneak away from the others. After all that had happened to us, I was surprised that I would remember that today marked two years, but I did. The group was still in mourning even after these long weeks on the road. It was another loss that had had a crippling impact on the group.

And me?

Well, I was wondering off alone to quietly celebrate my freedom. It wasn't that I didn't feel the same loss they were feeling. It was more like, I appreciated life a little more with every blow that we were dealt. The closer I came to death, the harder it breathed down the back of my neck, the more determined I was to live. The more determined I was to celebrate who I had become. Even if I did so in silence.

Was it selfish?

Probably. But it was important to me and I wasn't hurting anyone out here on my own as I quietly contemplated my journey. I found a large rock near the water and sat down heavily, stretching my legs and crossing them at the ankles. The day had been mild, what remained of the sun warming my face as I gazed out over the water. I didn't get many moments like this. None of us did. If I closed my eyes I could easily listen to the sounds of the water, the birds, the breeze, and pretend that our lives weren't trapped in a perpetual nightmare. And that was exactly what a did, even though closing your eyes in this world wasn't the smartest thing to do. Especially when you were alone and no one knew you had wondered off.

Just like I did the year before I dredged up memories that I normally kept locked away. I wanted to remember the pain that had been inflicted on me. I wanted to remember every harsh word that my husband have ever thrown at me. I wanted to envision his face in crystal clarity as he glared down at me, disgust in his eyes.

And I smiled. I smiled because in the end I, Carol Peletier, had finally managed to get the last laugh. All of the things he had said didn't matter. I was strong. I was beautiful. I was loved. And he was a cold corpse rotting in an unmarked grave.

With a sigh I finally opened my eyes and nearly fell off of the rock when I found myself looking right into the suspicious blue eyes of Daryl Dixon. He stood directly in the way of my view of the lake, hands on his hips, head tilted slightly to the side.

"What are you doin' out here? It's getting to late to start workin' on your tan," he said and I could detect the sound of relief in his voice.

I willed my stomach to stop fluttering at the sight of him and sat up straighter. We had grown closer since the events at Grady Memorial. Nothing monumental in the grand scheme of things but very monumental to me.

I had every intention of keeping this day a closely guarded secret. I had never had the urge to talk about it with anyone else so I'm not sure what possessed me to offer him a smile and indulge him with my secret. "I'm celebrating my anniversary."

He frowned, giving me that questioning look of his when I said or did something he thought was particularly stupid. I patted the rock, inviting him to have a seat. The rock was a large one and he could have sat at least a foot away from me with plenty of room to spare. Instead he sat close, our legs flush and our arms pressed together. He glanced over at me briefly before looking back out over the water.

"Anniversary, huh?" He asked quietly.

I nodded, ignoring the way the scent of him seemed to envelop me. The sun was going down, painting the sky in impossibly vivid shades of pinks and purples. I focused on those colors instead of how warm his bare arm was against mine. "Two years ago today we were cleaning up the quarry camp. You handed me that ax and..." I turned my head and couldn't finish the sentence. His eyes were on mine, intense, causing my words to die on my lips.

"So you come out here to think about Ed?" He asked quietly.

I let go of the breath that I had been holding. I hadn't even realized I was holding it. "Not Ed. Not really," I said, not knowing why the words came out so hushed.

I saw something click in his eyes then and I was amazed, not for the first time, at how well he understood me. The corner of his mouth raised in a half smile. "You still thinkin' about that fire?"

I frowned and searched his eyes. "Fire?"

He nodded. "That one that keeps burnin' you up?"

I swallowed hard, remembering the conversation we had in Atlanta. "No. I don't really feel that way anymore. I'm far from ashes, Daryl."

He looked away and I did the same, the moment much too intense for either of us. "I think you were," he said in a hushed voice that matched my own.

I wasn't sure what he was talking about and when his face suddenly flushed my curiosity was about to kill me. He still wasn't looking at me and his words, for some reason, had me feeling nervous. Unsure. "What does that mean?" I asked when it didn't seem like he was going to elaborate.

He shrugged but for some reason I had a burning need to hear him tell me what he had meant.

"Daryl?"

He finally looked at me. "I told you before that we weren't ashes. But I don't think I worded that right. You were. Goddamn, we all saw it then. But you rose right out of them and became..." He shook his head, breaking eye contact again.

I was staring at him even though he wasn't looking at me. The sun was lower, casting us in deep shadows. I felt the air around us shift, becoming more dense with a tension that I wasn't used to and when he finally turned his head, his usual steady gaze wavering, I felt an incredible urge to touch him. More than an urge really. It was a burning need.

"Never mind," he said after a few long moments.

I stood up, needing to put some distance between us before I did or said something that would surely send him stomping back to camp in a mad fit. We were closer than we ever had been before but there was still a very tangible wall between us. One neither one of us would ever cross. It was an unspoken rule. So imagine my surprise when he reached out suddenly, grabbing my hand and standing up so I couldn't get any further away.

"What kind of things to do you think about on this anniversary of yours?" He asked quickly, surprising me when he didn't drop my hand once he realized I would stay put.

I shook my head. This situation had gotten away from me and I wasn't even sure how. "I think about the past. I think about the things I used to deal with and I think about how weak I was then." I said this all in a rush, needing him to let go of my hand.

"Why?"

"Because I'm not that woman anymore and thinking about it only makes me stronger," I said.

"Maybe," he nodded. "But don't you think you'd be better off forgettin' about it? You ever think that dredging it all up is just your way of holding on to it? Don't he win if you hold on to who you were this tight?" He asked.

I had never looked at it that way and I didn't feel like his assessment was correct. I shook my head. "No. I need to remember."

"You need to let her go."

"She's a part of who I am."

He shook his head. "She's gone and she ain't comin' back. Bury her."

I swallowed around a lump in my throat and I wasn't even sure why the hell it was there. No, that was a lie. It was there because he was so close and I wasn't used to it. I didn't want to get used to it. Mostly because I knew that this very strange moment would pass and he would take a step away and it would hurt. I was tired of hurting. "I don't know how to do that," I muttered.

He blinked suddenly, like he realized that we were standing very close. Just like I knew he would he dropped his hand and took a step back and I cursed myself for even flirting with the idea that he wouldn't. "You're the strongest person I've ever met in my life," he said quickly.

I kept my eyes trained on his, even though I knew that we both wanted to break the eye contact and look away.

"You're brave and you're smart," he went on.

I wasn't used to hearing things like this and I didn't know how to respond. I didn't know what he was getting at but his words made my eyes tear up because, lets face it, I was still just as much of a sap as I had ever been.

He took a deep breath that seemed to shake him and then he did look away, out across the water. "And you're so goddamn beautiful that sometimes I can't even stand it. So next year, when you head out to remember something on this day, you remember that. No what he said. You remember what I said. Don't remember what he did. Remember what I did. Can you do that?" He asked, looking up again.

Even in the dark I could see him struggling, the tips of his ears nearly smoking. I was at a complete loss. I had no idea what to say to him or how to even convey how his words pretty much turned my world on end. I could think those things to myself and be fine. To hear someone else say something like that to me had my head reeling. Especially since it was him. The one person left in the world that meant everything to me. I couldn't say anything so I just nodded like a mute and waited for him to run off.

But he didn't run off. As a matter of fact he took a small step closer. "You think we should head back now?" He asked.

I shook my head no. I wasn't ready to go back just yet, even though it was dark now. The moonlight was bright enough to leave our shadows on the rocks.

"You want me to go on ahead so you can think some more?" He asked.

I shook my head again. "No. I think you're right. I think I need to do something else with this day other than dredge up the past. The past is gone."

"And tomorrow ain't promised," he added.

"No," I muttered. I wasn't sure what to do now. I didn't know what to say to break this tension that seemed to envelope us now. I thought maybe innocent conversation would help ease it. Boy, was I ever wrong. "If something happened tomorrow and you realized that it was all over, what would be your biggest regret?" I asked, just wanting to talk about something. Anything. And that question seemed innocent enough.

He shook his head slowly. "I don't think you wanna know that."

I wasn't sure what he could have meant by that. I wanted to know everything there was to know about him. I opened my mouth to say as much but he spoke before I could.

"What about you?" He asked.

I couldn't help but to drag my gaze down from his eyes to his lips. I cleared my throat and didn't give myself any time to think about my words before I said them. If I did then I wouldn't have ever said the words that rushed out of my mouth next. "I would regret never knowing what it felt like to..." My voice trailed away. What was I about to say to him? I shook my head and tried to smile. "We should get back to camp before they start worrying."

He shook his head. "They know we're fine. Tell me what you were gonna say," he said, leaving no room for argument.

I tried to step around him and laugh it off but his arm snaked out, catching me around the waist and pulling me into him. The move shocked me and from the look on his face it shocked him too. There was no space between us at all and his hand was pressed firmly against the small of my back, anchoring me to him.

I was staring at the top button of his shirt because I couldn't meet his eyes. I felt exposed. Vulnerable. Everyone acted like I was fearless but I wasn't. I was afraid of Daryl Dixon. Terribly afraid. "I would regret never knowing what it felt like to be with a man that really wanted me. I've never felt like that and it'd be a shame to die without-"

Right out of the blue his rough hand was under my chin, tilting my face up and causing my words to die right there in my throat as his lips met mine. I was so shocked that for a brief moment I simply froze up. It was like my mind couldn't comprehend what was going on but it didn't matter. My body knew and it reacted instantly. He must have taken my hesitation the wrong way because he loosened his hold on me and pulled his head back slightly. That was the last thing I wanted him to do so I pulled his face back towards mine and I finally kissed him back. And trust me, I didn't hold back at all. If this was the last thing I ever did in my life then I was going to do it right.

He grunted at my assault, stumbling back a step before both of his arms came around me. I was riding on an adrenalin high that had my heart thundering in my chest so hard I knew he could feel it. If you would have told me that I would ever be standing in the moonlight kissing Daryl Dixon I would have called you delusional. But there I stood, his hands moving down my hips. His skillful tongue dancing with my own and Jesus, the taste of him was enough to drive me completely out of my mind. I honestly didn't think he had it in him but I was dead wrong. I completely lost myself in the moment. I no longer knew anything other than the way his hands felt on my body and the way his lips felt moving over mine. Everything in the universe was centered around him for those few short minutes.

~H~

Two years ago today I watched Carol Peletier sever the ties that bound her with a bloody pick ax. I was pretty sure she didn't look back after that. It was that moment when I realized that me and her, well, we were the same. Sure, we handled things differently. I lashed out at the world around me while she took the whole suffer in silence route, but that didn't change the fact that on the inside, we were shaped by things that others couldn't even contemplate.

So, it was two years ago today that I started watching her. I watched her that day, driving that thing into Ed's head over and over. That was when the journey really began. That moment was when things got interesting and I couldn't look away. That was the moment I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that this weak submissive wall flower would rise up and, somehow, change the way the world worked. Well, maybe not the whole world, but at least our little corner of it. At least mine.

It was one of the reasons I tried so hard to bring her daughter back to her. By then I was way to invested to watch her crumble. I had failed. Of course I failed. But she hadn't crumbled. It was a set back, sure, but she didn't crumble. And when she didn't crumble under the weight of that loss I went from just a quiet observer to a full fledged sentinel. I had to know the end result. I had to be there to see the final outcome of a transformation that no one else even suspected was underway.

It was funny that she mentioned the ashes that day in Atlanta. Mostly because by now, that's what I should have been. The fire hadn't consumed her and it wasn't turning her to ash, it was molding her into this indescribable force. She was the flame and I was like that stubborn little boy that wouldn't head anyone's warnings to stay away from the heat. She didn't understand that she was the fire, I was the one consumed, and if we weren't careful we would burn the whole world down.

I hadn't came all the way down here to do this, even though this was something I had thought about doing for a long time. I just came down to check on her, because that was what I did. When she started going on about who she had been and explaining what this day actually was, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I just couldn't stand the thought that she reserved a whole damn day just to sit back and think about her long dead husband. Who the hell was he? He was no one. He was compost.

And so I opened my mouth and words fell out and now here we were. If she was going to remember someone today, it was going to be me. I hadn't expected to kiss her. Okay, that was a lie. I had expected to kiss her. I hadn't expected her nimble fingers to be working the buttons of my shirt open, though. Honestly, I was as surprised as you are. It would probably be a good idea to put the breaks on this. We were out in the open and way too vulnerable to be doing something that would take this much attention. And trust me, I'm the type that has to pay close attention to detail. It's just my nature.

My head was a little clouded at the moment though so I went ahead and let her keep going. I wasn't much of a kisser. It was one thing to screw a woman, it was something else entirely to kiss them. That was the mindset you get when you spent all of your free time with a brother like mine. Her lips were surprisingly demanding and I was surprisingly okay with that. When her hands finally made contact with my skin I had to pull my face away from hers as my breath came out in a rush. I rested my forehead against hers, waiting her out, letting her do what she needed to do. And apparently what she felt she needed to do was put her hands on every exposed inch of my skin.

If I wasn't much of a kisser I sure as hell wasn't the type to willingly let someone touch me but this was okay. Her hands were soft, warm, and to my surprise, shaking. Her palms were pressed flat against my chest and my heart was pounding so hard that I knew she could feel it. It was pretty embarrassing but there wasn't a damn thing to be done about it. When her hands moved down I was pretty sure that it stopped completely for a few seconds.

She stopped with her hands on my hips and finally raised her head. Her eyes were wide, reflecting the moonlight. The questions there brought me up short. I knew what she was asking. I wasn't as stupid when it came to this shit as most people thought. Did I go around trying to get laid? Hell no! It was the end of the world. I had better things to do. Like watch my own ass instead of chasing someone elses. I was good at refraining. I was good at keeping my head where my head needed to be. I was responsible. And I was goddamn sick of it. I had said it myself. Tomorrow wasn't promised. Our camp could get raided right now and what would be the point of all of that restraint? I needed this. I needed her.

I motioned towards the woods with a nod and I could read the crushing disappointment as she nodded back, resigned to the fact that I offered her what I could and now it was time to go back to the real world. The one where we danced around each other. The one where if our fingers happened to brush it jarred us both because that, now days, was as intimate as things could get.

Out here in the open something could easily sneak up on us. Out here, there wasn't a way for us to see anything coming. It would have to wait. Again. And it pissed me off. I righted the buttons on my shirt as we walked, neither of us saying a word. She seemed uncomfortable. Of course she did.

When we came out of the woods most of the group was already bedded down near the low fire. Glenn and Tara were on watch somewhere. We had scraped together a few blankets on the road and that was about it for personal possessions. Rosita had pilfered a few bars of soap from a house a few days ago and the lake had given us a decent place to clean up for the most part. Other than that, our possessions were few. Carol already had her stuff set up, further away from the others. I had had the same idea but my things were all the way on the other side of camp. We hadn't seen to many walkers in the last few days but that didn't mean anyone had let their guard down. I didn't know when I was going to get the chance to be alone with her again and the thought caused an uncomfortable ache in my chest.

She veered off, heading towards her own side of camp but I caught her hand. When she looked up it was hard to make out the look she wore since the fire was too low to shed light on her and the moon was hidden by the tree canopy above us. I could hear someone walking a few yards away and knew that it was someone on watch. I would be able to tell if it was a walker. The footsteps trailed off and an idea hit me. It was most likely a very bad idea but what else was a man to do in a situation like this one?

"Night Carol," I whispered.

"I'll see you in the morning," was her hushed reply.

She gave my hand a small squeeze and then dropped it. I waited until the sounds of her footsteps faded away, her form just a darker shadow against the black backdrop of the woods. I went to my own makeshift bed and settled down with a sigh. This was going to be a long night, but for once, I was looking forward to it.

~H~

It was a given that I wasn't going to get any sleep. I could still taste him. My lips still tingled. Had that been a one time offer? Had he done that simply to give me something else to think about other than Ed? If that had been his intentions it had worked wonderfully. But now I couldn't help but want more. I needed more. And it was clear that either he wasn't willing to give it or there wouldn't be a chance.

I'm not sure how long I ended up lying there before I was finally able to feel the first threads of sleep begin to pull me under. That was when I heard it. There was someone close. I wasn't awake enough to take note that the light footsteps I heard were very human. A walker's steps wouldn't be so sure and so quiet. If I had been fully asleep I never would have heard them at all. I sat up quickly and looked around but it was too dark. I thought maybe whoever was on watch was making a closed circuit around camp but that didn't really make any sense. I was on the very outskirts.

When I heard something drop down right next to me I tried to scoot away but a strong arm caught me and then I heard a soft shushing in my ear. I was surprised when I felt the arm that was keeping me from bolting pull me closer. I was even more surprised to feel warm breath blow across my neck.

"Couldn't sleep," Daryl whispered, sending a pleasant shiver up my spine.

"And what am I suppose to do about that?" I asked haughtily, reverting to my old ways of giving him a hard time because my heart was thumping in my throat and I was suddenly so nervous that I didn't know what else to do. "Find ways to entertain you until you get sleepy?" Well, that sounded dirtier than I intended.

"Somethin' like that," he said. He moved the blanket and slid under it next to me.

I swallowed hard and cautiously laid back down. We were further away from the others but they were still close. Much to close for anything to actually come from this encounter. Nothing but the chance to be extremely close to him, which was torture. I was about to ask him if he was really willing to get caught sleeping under my blanket when the others woke up but I didn't get the chance. I felt him moving closer and I turned my head, meeting him half way. Even though I expected this kiss it was still a jolt on my system. I reminded myself again that the others weren't far away. Even though I knew that if they did wake up they wouldn't be able to see anything the thought of kissing him like this with them so close by actually thrilled me more than it should have.

Kissing was one thing but when I felt his hand on my stomach, where my shirt had ridden up, my eyes snapped open. The feel of that rough hand on my skin was causing me to almost shake with need. I was more than happy to kiss him all night long if that was what he wanted to do but if he kept touching me then I would only want more and more and this wasn't the place for that to happen. And then he moved his hand, deepening the kiss with a low growl rumbling through his chest. I squirmed a little closer until he moved his leg between my knees and then moved his hand higher up my shirt. I felt like I was sixteen years old, allowing some bad boy to get to second base.

My breathing picked up at about the same time his did and I worried that someone was going to hear us but there wasn't anything to do about it. Instead, as his hand inched up higher I proceeded to do the same thing I had done earlier. I quickly loosened the buttons of his shirt, this time not giving him a chance to resist before I was pushing it off of one shoulder. He broke the kiss instantly and I froze, afraid that his own demons were about to rear their ugly heads and put a stop to whatever the hell was about to happen.

Instead he sat up quickly, shrugged the shirt completely off and then slid over me like it was the most normal thing in the world. Even though we were covered by a blanket, anyone walking along close enough could very easily see what was going on.

"Somebody could wake up and see us," I gasped when I felt his lips on my throat.

"Then we should probably stop talkin' so we don't wake them up," he whispered, shifting his body over mine so his hips were nestled between my legs. He laughed softly when I whimpered but the feel of him was excruciating. I had never craved the touch of a man the way I craved him right now. It was a burning need to be closer and this time when his lips met mine I moved under him, leaving him without any doubt that if this was what he wanted then this was what he could have.

"Why now? Why not back in Atlanta?" I asked suddenly. The night we had stayed at the shelter it was only the two of us. We could have done this then but he hadn't made a move. He had given me no indication that he wanted me at all.

He was in the process of working my shirt up and the question gave him no paused. "Because it wasn't time then," he answered. He was finally able to hike my shirt up the rest of the way and I had to grab the sides of his head to stop his descent.

"What does that mean?" I breathed, my curiosity suddenly outweighing my need to feel his lips on my skin for the moment. I needed him to answer my questions before it was to late to ask them.

He sighed. It sounded very impatient as he propped himself up on his elbows, his warm skin pressed against mine causing my head to spin. I could barely make out his features in the dark but his face was hovering right above mine. "How'd you feel two years ago? About yourself and about all the shit happening?"

I frowned, my breathing slowing regardless of our position. "I don't know."

"You know. Tell me," he pressed.

I wished now that I would have just let him begin the exploration that he had started instead of being a typical woman and needing to talk about things. I was pretty sure that he knew damn good and well how I felt about myself back then. I didn't understand why he needed to hear me say it. "I didn't like who I was. I thought I was worthless and I thought... I thought I deserved my life. And I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to make it very long."

He barely nodded. "And now?"

"Now I know my worth. I know exactly who I am. And somehow, I'll survive this," I whispered.

"In Atlanta you didn't see what I saw. And I was biding my time until you did. I've dealt with my own baggage for long enough and now I'm over it. I was waiting for you to be over your own."

I was silent for a moment as I contemplated his words. I knew what baggage he was referring to. I just wasn't sure if he was being honest about being over his own. I ran my hands over his sides, slowly moving until I felt the wide expanse of his back under my fingertips. He didn't pull away. He didn't flinch and he didn't tense. I traced scar after scar, waiting with bated breath for him to explode with that familiar anger. Only, it didn't happen. And I was completely stunned.

He somehow knew that there would be no more questions from me. Now I understood what he had meant. I had never truly let go of the pain that I endured. I had kept it close. And now I was ready to give it all up because the past was gone, the future wasn't promised and right now the man that I would die for was waiting for me to finally be free of everything I had been. Him and I were two people that would never be like anyone else. There was an understanding that we shared that we would never find with anyone else. And, although I had always known it, I was finally admitting that we were born for this world.

I pulled his face back down to mine, hoping that he understood that I knew exactly what he had meant. There was no more hesitation. There was no more questions. There was only a simple understanding.

Two years ago today I cut through the ties that bound me. I used a bloody pick ax and I tried not to look back. I had set in motion a series of events that would try my very soul. I suffered loss and I drowned in despair. I bent but I never broke. Two years ago today I never would have imagined I would be where I was in this very moment. Tomorrow would bring with it a new clarity. Every trace of who I had been will be gone.

Of course, that didn't mean that the flames were doused. I would likely keep burning until I took my last breath. But until then I was certain that things would be vastly different than they were two years ago. Different because I, Carol Peletier, was a very different woman. A woman that Daryl Dixon had every intention of exploring thoroughly. I never realized that he had the ability to pay such close attention to detail. Another thing I knew for certain was that if something happened and I died tomorrow, I could do so with no regrets. Under a blanket in the middle of the woods, I quietly lost myself in his embrace. Finally, there wasn't any sign of the person I had been. I had done what I could on my own, working as best I could with this rough draft of the new me. And now he was here to smooth out those rough edges. He was their to complete the whole process. And if we weren't careful. Very careful, I think maybe we were in danger of burning the whole world down.