The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is getting a degree somewhere. Just more madness on how the gang tries to survive without Archer.
The Third Or Fourth Degree
"This is what I'd like to see!" Cyril said as he saw several members of the Figgis Agency working on laptops in the bullpen. "My agency hard at work doing…What is it you're doing again?"
"Let's just say we're all trying to get prepared for wherever the job market will take us," Lana sighed.
"Because you know?" Krieger said. "Our agency will probably crash and burn."
"Like Cheryl after a glue and candy binge," Pam nodded.
"Speaking of which, where is Cheryl?" Cyril looked around.
"Passed out on the copy machine again," Pam said. "After a glue and candy binge."
"You're all getting online degrees from Peacock University, aren't you?" Cyril realized.
"What?" Ray asked. "It's not like we're paying for it!"
"Where are you getting the money?" Cyril asked.
"You know Ms. Archer's bank accounts all have the same password, right?" Pam asked.
"Boy did she love that dog," Krieger remarked.
"We figured a few extra degrees can't hurt," Lana said.
"Especially considering our resumes read like something out of an arrest report," Ray said.
Lana added. "Some of these classes can be transferred into hours for the Figgis Agency. I'm working on a business management course, a Minorities in Law course which by the way can count for an hour towards getting my license. And I'm taking a course in screenwriting."
"Screenwriting?" Cyril shouted.
"Admittedly that one is more of a personal interest thing," Lana said.
"Not necessarily," Pam said. "This is Hollywood. We're all taking that course."
"You never know," Krieger nodded.
"I'm also taking the screenwriting class and the business management course," Ray admitted. "And I just got a degree in Popular Culture and Society."
"A degree in Popular Culture and Society?" Cyril balked. "That's a thing?"
"Especially in Hollywood," Ray shrugged. "If we're going to be the detective agency to the stars it can't hurt to have a few credentials."
"How long and how much?" Lana asked.
"An hour and a hundred dollars," Ray said. "Only ninety dollars if you know who Kevin Bacon is and can identify at least six people connected to him."
"Okay I'm in," Cyril admitted. "And add the screenwriting class as well."
"I'll send you the link," Ray said as he typed it in.
"Hey Ray I want in on that Popular Culture class!" Pam said.
"Me too," Lana sighed.
"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded.
"Since we're working in Hollywood it's kind of a no-brainer," Pam admitted. "I mean I've already gotten my degree in Bowling Industry Management this morning so…"
"Bowling Industry Management?" Lana asked.
"Let's just say if I ever move back home, I'll be prepared," Pam said. "Or better yet Bowlton Springs the next town over. They have like six bowling alleys there. And one of the highest incidents of bowling fatalities in the nation."
"Bowling fatalities?" Ray asked.
"There are also a lot of bars in Bowlton," Pam explained. "And a lot of bars in the bowling alleys. You'd be surprised how many idiots smash their skulls or other body parts using bowling balls."
"You might also want to consider a degree in bartending Pam," Ray suggested.
"Good idea," Pam nodded. "That will broaden my skills."
"I know this is going to sound crazy," Cyril sighed. "But have any of you considered taking classes at real colleges?"
"Real colleges?" Pam asked. "Where they study the three Bs?"
"Booze, babes…" Krieger explained. "And well, actual Bs."
"More than half the colleges today are little more than upgraded high schools," Pam said. "Or in some cases places where future athletes can prepare for their sports careers."
"Well they need to take some math classes," Krieger admitted. "How else are they going to learn to manage the millions of dollars they make?"
"The kids today spend more time socializing than they do studying," Pam said. "Which is great for networking. For real world results… Not so much. Thank you, Self Esteem Craze!"
"I think you're over generalizing colleges Pam," Cyril said. "There are several good schools out there…"
"Blah, blah, blah!" Pam interrupted. "And half the crap they teach is completely useless in the real world. Like Algebra? Seriously? When was the last time any of us used that?"
"Even I don't use it as much as you'd think I do," Krieger added.
"That explains some of your experiments," Lana said.
"Not to mention all that student debt," Ray said. "I was lucky to get some scholarships the first time around."
"Me too!" Pam said. "Well that and underground fighting and racing."
"Cyril even you have to admit that people shouldn't resort to breaking the law or getting into debt to get an education," Lana said. "I hate to say it, but online colleges are not only more affordable…"
"They're also easier to pass and get into!" Cyril added.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Pam remarked.
"It's also a huge business," Krieger then realized something. "With very little or almost no regulation. Hmmmm…"
"I know that look," Ray said. "You're thinking about creating your own online college, aren't you?"
"Actually, I was…" Krieger did a double take. "That's a much better idea!"
"Way to go Ray," Cyril groaned.
"Oh, like he wouldn't have figured it out eventually!" Ray protested.
"Gotta go!" Krieger took his laptop and went to his lab.
"And another scam is born," Lana groaned.
"Krieger's opening an online college," Cyril blinked. "Oh yes, that won't blow up in our faces down the road!"
"Well his illegal offshore Pokémon gambling site is still doing well so…" Pam remarked.
Some time later in the very near future…
"Greetings!" Krieger was shown in a video. "Are you tired of the same old same old? Do you think your lack of education is holding you back? Well not anymore! Welcome to Krieger College! Where education can be bought! A lot more cheaply than you think!"
"I can't believe you actually did this," Lana said as the gang watched the video. "On second thought, yes I can."
"Here are the degrees you can start working on today!" Krieger said. "Cloning: The Ethics and Practical Studies. Chemical Hygiene. Chaos Theory. Fermentation Science. Cannabis Cultivation. German. Lab Studies 101. Lab Studies 102. Cyborg Studies. Pig Cognition Studies. Lab Animal Sales. Lab Animal Management. Popular Culture and Society. Popular Science Fiction Culture and Society. Phrenology 101…"
"I'll give you this Krieger," Ray sighed. "You certainly have some courses other colleges don't offer!"
"It is a way to distinguish myself from the pack," Krieger nodded.
"Just in! Accounting 101 with Professor Figgis," A picture of Cyril was shown.
"You're in on this?" Lana snapped at Cyril as she paused the video.
"I get a percentage for very little work okay?" Cyril snapped.
"Like he's the only one," Ray admitted.
"What do you mean?" Lana asked. "Oh no! You didn't!"
"We did," Cheryl grinned.
Krieger turned on the video again and it played. "HR Management Skills with Professor Poovey," Krieger's voice was overheard with pictures of the gang. "Gay Studies and Fashion with Professor Gillette. Charm School with Professor Tunt."
"Since when are you guys professors?" Lana barked.
"Since when are you part of a College Board?" Pam snapped back.
"So why not join Krieger College?" Krieger on video said. "Where new and exciting classes are posted every month! At affordable prices! Seriously, it's like you're stealing an education!"
"Interesting choice of words," Lana remarked.
"Prepare for the classes of tomorrow, today!" Krieger grinned. "Piggly's in! Right Professor Piggly?"
"Squeee!" Piggly was shown wearing a little graduation hat.
"And of course, the radioactive pig is in on this," Cyril sighed.
"He's the mascot," Krieger said. "The college already has about fifty something people signed up. And it's only the first week. For the low introductory price of 29.99 a class. Not counting taxes of course."
"And you guys have no problem calling yourselves professors?" Lana asked.
"Hey for an extra two hundred or so dollars a week," Pam said. "I can call myself the Duchess of Bearclaws!"
"Two hundred dollars a week?" Lana blinked.
"And you barely have to do anything," Cheryl said. "Maybe make up a few quizzes and put up a few videos. And spend some time in an online chat room for like an hour or so."
Lana sighed. "Put me in for Conversational French."
"Great!" Krieger beamed. "The college could use a new language studies program!"
"Congratulations Lana," Pam beamed. "You are now part of the Academia Elite!"
"Yeah Mom and Dad will be thrilled," Lana rolled her eyes.