One day, at CIA HQ:
In Bullock's office:
"Smith, I have a special assignment for you today. You'll be teaming up with none other than that notoriously groovy British agent, Austin Powers" said Bullock. Austin entered the room, but not before spinning around in circles and proceeding to point his two index fingers at Stan, saying "Yeah, gotcha baby!"
"Terrific, I'm working with a radical leftover from the 60's" said Stan.
"Now, Stan, don't be rude, he really is from the 60's, he was frozen in time!" explained Bullock.
"Flower Power to the max, baby" said Austin, in an oddly serious tone.
"So what's the mission? Are we going to get a delicious meal at Alice's Restaurant or what?" asked Stan.
"Stan, we've received word that someone is deliberately hijacking our submarines and ordering them to fire at our own Navies. We're not sure who's doing it, and we're really not even sure what kind of advanced intelligence is ultimately responsible due to the fact that the submarines seem to become invisible after being hijacked. Our only lead is someone who thinks the perpetrators are hiding in the Caspian Sea. You will meet with him at this exact spot in Area 51" said Bullock, handing Stan a map.
"But Bullock baby what do I do?" asked Austin, showing off his pearly whites. Well, not really.
"You will be sent on a black ops mission in Toronto Canada where you will team up with reknowned British supernatural researcher Sophia Primrose to investigate an underground area where Stan's contact believes some of the technology to do the aforementioned strange things is being built. Keep in contact with Stan via your phones at all times" said Bullock.
"Walkie talkies?" asked Stan.
"They made a comeback. Also, they're very...very...advanced now!" explained Bullock.
"I see," replied Stan. Austin chuckled, and he noticed something unusual on Bullock's desk.
"This is off topic but why do dinosaurs all have sore asses? Brontasauras, stegasauras, all of em!" said Austin, fiddling with a paper mache dinosaur on Bullock's desk.
MEANWHILE:
In an underwater megadome base in the Caspian Sea:
"Gentlemen, here we are! This is truly the pinnacle of all our achievements, never before have we had a base so conspicuous, so elusive, so close to massively large monster fish, this is our best lair ever and our best plan ever" announced Dr. Evil, putting his pinky up to his mouth.
"What's the plan again?" asked Scott.
"What's the PLAN?" screamed Frau.
"You really want me to cut to the chase? I was going to tell you some more great moments in my life, like when I realized I was allergic to the number 9" replied Dr. Evil.
"How do germans say no? NEIN!" yelled Frau and Scott simultaniously.
"Oh, you guys. Do you really want a big fresh loogie on the table I mean really! Anyway, I was going to tell you about a friend of mine got an overdraft fee waived by whistling the tune to Wishbone, but now you've just ruined it" said Dr. Evil.
"We'll listen, we'll listen!" said Scott in a mocking tone.
"Zip it, I'm going to tell you wonderful people a rundown of the plan. It's not like we don't all have the same goals. We all want to take over the world, we all quasi-like each other even when most of the time we want to kill each other. We're all evil, ok? But enough crap let's talk the plan" said Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil pulled down a powerpoint demonstration.
"Well, I went through several before picking the best one. One of them involved staging a coup d'état in some cute little country to take control of their water supply. Scotty said it couldn't be done because of trademark issues. Another involved hijacking a US shuttle launch. Scotty said it couldn't be done because of trademark issues. And yet another involved developing a super race of highly attractive women in space suits to live alongside cute little animals and replace humankind. Again, trademark issues!" said Dr. Evil.
"What exactly wasn't a trademark issue at this point?" asked Number 2 sipping some coffee.
"I had an idea to capture Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and use him to disable nuclear test sites but that wasn't a trademark issue Scotty told me that was just stupid, because Santa Claus stuff isn't really a thing, hurt my feelings actually" replied Dr. Evil.
"So what DID you decide on?" asked Number 2 in a deep and inquisitive tone.
"Well, it came down to a number of things, but I finally found the ultimate plan. I would capture the captains and passengers of Navy Submarines through a tactic I call 'Coercion' it's a really interesting thing you all should read about it. Anyway, after taking control of them through 'coercion' the ships would then be blown up and disposed of, while I rolled out what I like to call 'holograms,'" said Dr. Evil. He continued, "Once these 'holograms' are put into place we can then make it appear as though any foreign power captured the soldiers and ships, thus leaving us completely untraceable. Then, we reap the rewards of all the secret equipment worth billions of dollars, plus the added bonus of training the Navy Soldiers to tap dance"
"Very good," said Scott, clapping his hands. "It's weird, but I don't think it's a rip off of anything at least"
"Well, if you want to know the truth I read it on a satirical fake news site called the Onion and I just thought it sounded super cool if it was really done" replied Dr. Evil.
"Have you tested it out yet?" asked Number 2.
"Oh, that's right," said Dr. Evil stroking his cat. "Number 2 has devised for me an ultimate escape plan just in case by some miracle the authorities find out what I'm doing. A gigantic invisible submarine complete with torpedoes and lasers, a station of power where I'm free to play, and I'm going to call it the 'Playstation'" said Dr. Evil making quote marks with his fingers. Scott rolled his eyes.
"The Playstation is a series of video game consoles, the first of which was made by Sony in the 90's" said Scott.
"Scott, there's a reason you couldn't pull it off when you put yourself in charge. So some shitty Sony thing ripped off my future idea before I thought of it a hundred or so years ago, so what?" said Dr. Evil. Mini Me entered the room.
"Mini Me, let go of Daddy's disintegrator ray ok? Only I can play with that" said Dr. Evil. But Mini Me disobeyed and shrunk Dr. Evil, and took over his seat at the table.
"You used to be Mini Me now I'm Mini Mini me and you're Giga Mini Me. Where's the fun in that? You must have a Napoleon complex!" shouted Dr. Evil who sounded like he ingested helium. "No, you didn't get bigger. I got smaller, see? It's basic science ok?" Roger entered the room dressed as a woman with an eyepatch over her eye.
"Name's Vesper Viperlynd, illegitamite stepsister of gorgeous Russian spy and prostitute Natayla Dripsohlov. I'm also chief editor for the Onion. Everyone thinks it's fake, and that's the whole idea...it's real!" said Roger. "I realize the first few parts of my sentence made little sense"
Upon hearing all this, Frau violently yanked the disintegrator ray from Mini Me and brought Dr. Evil back to his normal size.
"Woah woah, a new recruit eh? You need to do a job interview ahead of time. Talk to Scotty, he'll walk you through it" said Dr. Evil. This was what he told people when he didn't want to hire them.
"Oh..my god. He's perfect, sure I'll talk to him" said Roger. But Fat Bastard cornered him.
"Hi, I'm auditioning for Virtucon Evil LLC or whatever, and I run a real news site that pretends to be fake in order to cover up real evil plans. We're on the same page right?" asked Roger.
"Get into my belly little grey alien" said Fat Bastard.
"Oh, you're into that weird Youtube vore stuff. I'm still just gettting used to that really" said Roger.
Later, we join Austin who has just met Sophia Primrose, an exuberant and gorgeous blonde British lady who always wore exorbitant green outfits, and smoked incessantly. They are driving together in a Bentley.
"My name is Primrose. Sophia Primrose, I'm a paranormal researcher" said Sophia.
"Paranormal researcher? Oh, behave. That sounds kinky baby, yeah!" said Austin.
"No, Austin. I co-host a show on the History Channel, what kind of crazy tart do you take me for?" said Sophia, rolling her eyes.
"Well forgive me, I've never been through the 'Primrose Path' baby!" said Austin winking and laughing.
"Ahem. I work for the History Channel" said Sophia in a firm tone, attempting not to laugh at this weird person.
"History, yeah, that's good I mean that's certainly at least marginally tubular baby" said Austin.
"Marginally tubular eh? Anyway, I think we're going to have a great time together" said Sophia.
"Oh contrare baby. I think we'll have a horrible time. A horribly groovy time that is, YEAH!" said Austin.
To be continued, maybe...
"Well, I must admit you're one of the most fascinating creatures I've ever met and I'm not even sure why" said Sophia.
To be continued...