So I was going to wait and not write this because let's face it, TJ losing her baby was so sad why would we want to explore that deeper? But I've been through a similar experience recently and today is a particularly hard day to deal with it. So I decided to write this short one shot to kind of explain how Everett deals with the loss of his daughter.
The title of the fic comes from the song Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift featuring The Civil Wars. This song is truly heartbreaking and I imagine that it would kind of be like Carmen's view of everything... from heaven.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and in moments like these, that's actually a blessing.
Safe and Sound
Everett stood in the infirmary, not comprehending what the doctor who was inhabiting Camille Wray's body was telling him. Her eyes were full of tears and her voice was soft, grief stricken. But why should she be? It wasn't her daughter that had been murdered before she even had a chance to live. It was his. He hadn't been thrilled with the idea of having a baby on board of an Ancient spaceship billions of lightyears of Earth but it had still been his baby, his child. And now she was taken from him, stolen from the safe protection and care of her mother's body. The doctor walked away and came back with a small bundle and she held it out to him and he instinctively took it from her, staring down into the face of his dead daughter.
She was tiny, still a good two months from being fully grown but she was beautiful. Her soft features and small nose, just like his in a miniature version. She had small dark downy curls on her head and her tiny hands were curled into fists. She wasn't the right color but she was still the single most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his entire life and he couldn't have stopped the hot tears that streamed down his face if he had wanted and honestly he didn't care. Her thick lashed were closed and brushed her small cheeks. He raised a finger and brushed it across her cheek softly, cringing mentally at the cold skin.
He didn't know what to do. He was heartbroken, guilt and loss weighing him down like he had a ton of bricks on his chest. He sobbed openly and didn't notice when Lt. Scott turned and left the room to shed tears of his own. He carried the tiny, lifeless bundle to the gate room and ordered Rush to dial to the nearest planet.
"Colonel, I don't think that would be in our best interests," Rush began quietly.
"JUST DIAL," Young yelled at him. Rush looked at his tearstained face and then at the small, seemingly nondescript bundle in his arms and realization hit him. He dialed the nearest planet and the event horizon flared from the gate and then settled. Young grabbed a latrine shovel resting against the wall and walked stiffly through the gate, gently holding the baby in his arms and tears flooding his eyes and running down his cheeks like a waterfall. He walked through the horizon and when he came out on the other side, it was to a forested world with tall grasses where rain fell heavily, as though sensing his mood. He walked down the ramp and onto the mud. He moved a few feet from the gate and gently set down his burden.
He started to dig, slowly but ferociously, sobs wrenching from his throat. No father should have to dig their own daughter's grave, he thought bitterly. No father should have to experience this. He continued to dig until he had a hole deep enough. He picked up the bundle and stared into the face of a princess he would never know, at the lips from which he would never receive any kisses or hear any words of endearment or laughter. He leaned his lips gently to her forehead and pressed them there, the one and only kiss he would ever bestow upon his child as the tears rushed faster down his cheeks, mingling with the rain.
He covered her face with the blanket and ever so gently laid her upon the earth. He stood, grabbed his shovel and began to cover her, losing his composure completely. Once he was finished, he knelt in front of the new grave, crying so hard his body shook. He cried out, trying to send his grief into the atmosphere around him, to let every creature feel it and join him. He noticed when the Stargate behind him activated again, but did not respond. Lt. Scott, Eli and Chloe all stood behind him, Chloe cradling something in her arms as did Eli.
"Sir," Scott said quietly. Everett remained silent, soaked with rain and tears. Chloe moved up to the other side of the grave and then to the head. She placed a tablet on the ground at the head of the grave. Everett saw the inscription.
Carmen Tamara Young
"Carmen," he rasped.
"It's the name TJ told me after the shower," Chloe whispered. Everett's face crumpled in pain. Eli moved up beside Chloe, face somber but managing to reign in the tears and placed the small truck that Riley had constructed next to the tablet. A toy abandoned. A toy that never had an owner and never would, thought Everett sadly.
"Sir, we have to leave. Camille says that TJ woke up," Scott said awkwardly. Everett looked at the grave, resting a hand on the surface and nodded sadly. He pulled himself to his feet and they moved back to the gate. He was the last to go through and before he did, he turned to look back at his daughter's grave.
"I love you, Carmen," he whispered before turning to the event horizon and walking through.
TJ felt his hand slide over hers and she began to cry at the look of complete pain on Everett's face. She turned her head away in shame. She should have been more careful, she should have stayed in the infirmary like he had told her to and then maybe, her daughter would still be safe in her abdomen, growing, waiting to born into a world where her parents loved her. TJ heard Everett explaining what he had done and she cried harder, not just for the loss of her own daughter but the completely broken and raw pain in Everett's voice at having to bury their daughter.
"TJ, I'm so sorry," he whispered. She shook her head.
"Please, Everett," she said, noting that this was the first time she'd used his first name since they'd broken up. "I just want to be alone right now," she whispered brokenly.
"Okay," he said quietly and he leaned down and placed a kiss on her hand and walked to the foot of the bed where he stopped. "She was beautiful... like you," he said quietly before turning and walking from the infirmary, leaving TJ to cry harder, remembering exactly how beautiful her baby had been, how warm she had felt in her arms.
Everett walked back to his room and locked the door. He grabbed the bottle of alcohol from the still and poured himself a glass. He downed the stuff as tears started to fall down his cheeks again. He remembered the feeling of that small, broken body in his arms and poured himself another drink. Damn the Lucian Alliance! They had murdered his daughter! He would make sure that they suffered long, drawn out deaths in return. But even that thought didn't dismiss the heartrending pain that engulfed him. He drank the alcohol until half the bottle was gone. Then he laid back on the couch and closed his eyes, imagining what his life would have been like if Carmen had survived.
His last thought was that now she was safe and sound.
In the ground on an alien planet.
He wished he could be with her.