Today we're going to be doing a parody of the Mummy featuring Family Guy characters. You can try to guess which characters are going to be portrayed by which Family Guy characters but some of them might surprise you...
I hope you enjoy this story. I'll do Return Of The Mummy if this gets favorable reviews. Of course since this is the first chapter I probably won't be receiving many reviews yet. Still, I figured I would be optimistic when it comes to writing stories. There's no point in being a pessimist or my stories will degrade as a result.
Chapter 1: Regal Backstabbing
At his house, Peter Griffin was sitting on a chair, holding out a VHS copy of The Mummy. Outside, it was night.
"Hello everyone. Chris wanted me to help me with his history homework. But since I'm not so good at history myself I decided to tell him a story based on one of the movies I like to watch. What's that? You want me to tell you the story. Alright then. Sit back and have a seat." said Peter Griffin.
In the city of Thebes, 1290 BC...
Thebes. City of the living. Crown jewel of Pharaoh Seti (Joe Swanson) the first.
"Yee-hah!" exclaimed Pharaoh Seti, who was riding a chariot.
Home of Imhotep (Glenn Quagmire), High Priest Of Osiris, Keeper of the Dead.
"Giggity giggity giggity!" exclaimed Imhotep pervertedly. He was hoping that he would get lucky tonight.
He was hoping to score with the ladies...as usual.
Birthplace of Anck Su Numan (Bonnie Swanson), Pharaoh's Mistress. Other men were prohibited from touching her...as well as lesbians.
Personally, Anck Su Numan thought that her husband thought of her as little more than a trophy. She wanted somebody that would truly love her.
Since mhotep was a pervert, he decided that he would make love with Anck Su Numan and disregard everything that the pharaoh had told everyone NOT to do. He just couldn't resist an opportunity to get the girl. He had met several concubines in the past, but he decided why not go for someone who was royalty?
Granted, he was already married, but who said that he needed to find out about their affair? Besides, considering how immodestly dressed she was, it would be a waste to pass up such an opportunity.
Of course, if the pharaoh found out, he would probably be executed...but as we said, he couldn't resist the opportunity. Anck Su Numan was simply TOO sexy. No wonder the pharaoh wanted her as his mistress.
"Giggity!" shouted Imhotep, touching Anck Su Numan's breast with glee.
Unfortunately for him, the pharaoh suspected the mistress was cheating on him. Every now and then he noticed that she had kiss marks on her face...and they didn't match his lips.
He decided to enter her chambers to see what was going on. Was his mistress unfaithful?
For a moment, it seemed like everything was normal. He didn't see any sign of anyone else in the room.
However, his eyes widened when he noticed that his mistress's body paint had been smeared. Apparently, she had been touching herself...or had she?
"Who touched you? Was it that perverted high priest?" inquired Pharaoh Seti.
Anck Su Numan nodded. It was THAT perverted high priest. At this point she was willing to confess to her adultery.
The pharaoh sighed. He should have known. Imhotep was as lustful as heck.
"I'm going to kill him for this later!" exclaimed Seti. Fortunately, he happened to have a pretty talented executioner.
"He can't kill me if I kill him first." thought Imhotep.
At that very moment, Imhotep approached him with a sword.
"Imhotep, what are you doing? Put down that sword!" ordered Pharaoh Seti.
Anck Su Numan then proceeded to stab Pharaoh Seti in the spine.
"Aah! My spine! I can't feel my legs!" exclaimed the now paraplegic pharaoh.
How could his own high priest and his mistress betray him like this?
Well, he did cheat on his mistress a few times, and he had made fun of the high priest for being bald. Apparently he had a habit of shaving his head.
"And pretty soon, you won't be able to feel your head." remarked Imhotep.
"What?!" shouted the pharaoh.
Imhotep then proceeded to cut off Pharaoh Seti's head with his sword.
"You were in way over your head when you decided to make Anck Su Numan your personal trophy!" exclaimed Imhotep.
Anck Su Numan giggled.
It felt rather satisfying. Now he and Anck Su Numan could be together for as long as they wished, without having to worry about the pharaoh standing between them.
Of course, he had to commit murder so that they could be together...but he never liked the pharaoh anyway. He was so full of himself.
However, he now had a problem. How were he and Anck Su Numan going to get away with murder? They had just murdered the leader of an entire city. People weren't going to turn a blind eye to that.
It was only a matter of time before the Medjai investigated his death. They would no doubt interrogate everyone who was at the palace. And unfortunately, neither of them exactly had an ironclad alibi.
Fortunately, she had a plan...though it wasn't one that Imhotep would approve of.
"I'll commit suicide, then you go to Hamunpatra and resurrect me using the Book Of Dead!" instructed Anck Su Numan, pulling out the dagger that she had used to murder Pharaoh Seti I earlier.
"I'm going to wish I was dead if the pharaoh's bodyguards find out that I'm committing sacrilege! I'm probably already going to be beheaded for treason just like I beheaded the pharaoh!" exclaimed Imhotep.
"Only you can do it!" shouted the pharaoh's former mistress.
Anck Su Numan stabbed herself in the gut while Imhotep and his priest followers escaped from the castle.
"I sure hope this plan works..." thought the priest. If it didn't, then he would have committed capital crimes for nothing.
Imhotep and his priests made their escape from the city of Thebes. Fortunately, the guards weren't able to find them.
"Imhotep? Where are you? Maybe I should dress up like an attractive female..." spoke the guard.
However, their luck would eventually run out.
They then snuck their way into Anck Su Numan's crypt, dug up her body, and took the canopic jars containing her organs.
"This is really gross...I hope resurrecting her is worth it." noted Imhotep. Still, she was rather hot. He was lucky that a lady like her was attracted to him. If only she hadn't been already married. That would have made his life a lot easier, wouldn't it? He wouldn't have to do any grave robbing, that was for sure.
When they were finished with their grave robbing, they then made their way to the city of Hamunpatra. Imhotep then proceeded to steal the Book Of The Dead from its holy resting place. Fortunately, the guard happened to be sleeping.
"I wonder why they don't just use this book on the pharaoh. They all miss him, right?" inquired the high priest. Now that they thought of it, he wondered why the Book Of The Dead was kept a secret from the rest of the world.
Apparently, using the Book Of The Dead was considered sacrilege...but he didn't really see why. Some people were simply too young to die. Just look at Elvis Presley.
Well, he could ask questions later. For now, it was time for him to resurrect his lover.
But unfortunately for him, before the ritual could be completed, the pharaoh's bodyguards stormed in.
They proceeded to seize Imhotep and his fellow priests. He had been SO close.
"Alright, which one of you told the pharaoh's bodyguards where to find us?!" bellowed Imhotep as they grabbed his arms. Someone must have ratted them out, but who?
"What can I say? You were depriving me of a real hot babe here..." answered Death, who was secretly one of the priests. He didn't want her to be restored to life, it seemed.
As punishment for using the Book Of The Dead for resurrection, the priests were sentenced to be mummified alive.
"Ah-ah-achoo!" exclaimed one of the priests as he sneezed his brains out.
"Gesundheit." said one of the pharaoh's bodyguards carrying out the deed.
As for Imhotep, for his role in the murder of the pharaoh (as well as using the Book Of The Dead in the first place), he was about to experience a curse so horrible that it had never before been bestowed.
"A curse so horrible that it had never before been-oh Osiris! This is going to suck!" shouted Imhotep, who was listening to the narrator the whole time.
"You have the nerve to use Osiris's name in vain after your sacrilege? That's it! We're cutting off your tongue!" bellowed one of the bodyguards.
"Not my tongue! I need that for licking girls with!" bellowed the high priest.
The bodyguard doing the deed rolled his eyes. Was that all he ever thought about?
After his tongue was severed, Imhotep was condemned to be wrapped up like a mummy, then buried alive. And since the Homdai granted Imhotep eternal life, he was going to be stuck in his crypt for a LONG time.
"I just wanted to eat the pharaoh's mistress!" exclaimed Imhotep. Was that too much to ask?
"Well, these scarabs definitely will eat you." answered one of the pharaoh's bodyguards as he opened a pot containing ravenous scarabs.
The scarabs proceeded to devour Imhotep's flesh.
"Aaaaaah!" screamed the doomed high priest as the scarabs bit into his skin. Why were those scarabs so hungry? And since when did they eat human flesh?
"Mmm...that flesh tastes good." remarked the scarabs in Bruce's voice. It tasted so sweet and buttery.
Imhotep would never be allowed to be released, for if he WERE to be released, he would arise a walking (sexually transmitted) disease, a plague upon mankind (but a gift to the ladies), an unholy flesh eater (and women eater), with the strength (and stamina) of ages, power over the sands (and women's hearts), and the glory of invincibility (as well as fertility).
"Um, are you sure that we should really be giving this guy this curse?" inquired one of the gravediggers. There would be dire consequences for the world if Imhotep was ever brought back to life. And they likely couldn't keep him in that crypt forever.
"Just shut up and keep digging!" answered the other gravedigger.
Flash forward to 1923...
"Isn't running away from an angry mob fun?" asked Rick O'Connell (Peter Griffin). Personally he thought that they should do it more often.
"I'm terrified out of my mind!" answered Beni (Ernie The Giant Chicken). He was even laying eggs...even though he wasn't a female chicken. He was a rooster.
Unfortunately for Rick and his sidekick Beni, he had gotten in trouble with the Medjai. They had caught him at Hamunpatra where Imhotep had been buried.
As you could probably tell by reading the prologue, they had no intention of allowing Imhotep to ever be released. As such, they made sure to keep people away from the city. It was surprising just how long they had guarded the city.
For some strange reason, Rick's horse always got scared when they approached such a city. He wondered why.
They also didn't bother burning the Book Of The Dead which could be used to bring Imhotep back to life. Was it fireproof or something?
As it turned out, Rick O' Connell and Beni were in a battle between the Medjed and the French Foreign Legion. The Medjed had warned people to stay away from Hamunpatra, but people never listened to them. It would make their jobs a lot easier if they did listen to them, wouldn't it?
Perhaps people were curious as to why the Medjed were guarding such a place. Of course, if they found out that there was a mummy that could potentially destroy the world inside the city ruins, they would probably leave him at rest. But unfortunately the Medjed weren't very talkative. Maybe people would find stories like that to be unbelievable. Still, they would make great bedtime stories, wouldn't they?
Rick and Beni shot at the Tuaregs that were attacking them, but eventually they ran out of bullets.
"Damn it! We're out of bullets!" exclaimed Beni. Apparently they should have bought some more.
Was this desert going to be their grave?
"Why aren't they running out of bullets? They're terrible shots! Not one of the bullets have touched us, let alone graze our skin!" shouted Rick.
"We really need to work on our aim." noted one of the Tuaregs. Perhaps they should have done some target practice before they went on the front lines.
Rick decided to retreat along with Beni.
As they retreated, they were noticed by Ardeth Bay. (James Woods)
"Should we chase after them?" asked one of Ardeth Bay's soldiers. He was worried that they might find Imhotep's crypt. Of course, nothing bad would happen unless they also found the Book Of The Dead and decided to read from it...which would be pretty stupid.
"I'm sure that the desert will kill them...though just in case, we could have them hanged." noted Ardeth Bay. Dehydration was bound to catch up to Rick and Beni sooner or later.
"I'm not sure if we can catch him..." stated the soldier.
Three years later (Time sure flies in this movie, doesn't it?)...
At the local library, Evylen was doing work for her employer Dr. Terence Bay. {Jonathan Weed}
"Wait, you're having the curator be portrayed by Jonathon Weed? I'm not sure if people even remember him!" exclaimed Evylen.
Does it really matter?
"Eh, probably not." answered the librarian.
"Hey, Evylen! I've got a present for you!" exclaimed Jonathan. (No, not Jonathan Weed...Evylen's brother.)
Jonathan was being portrayed by Brian Griffin. Don't ask why a human character is being portrayed by a talking dog. We just decided that Brian Griffin would be a good character to play the role.
Evelyn took a look.
"It's the key to Hamunapatra." said Jonathan.
He was holding a mysterious box.
"Isn't that just a myth?" asked Evylen. There were all sorts of crazy stories in the library, such as there being a mummy that threatened to unleash the ten plagues of Egypt on Earth if he were ever released from his sarcophagus.
"I don't know! You're the librarian! You're more familiar with history than I am." noted Evelyn's brother.
"You've got a point." acknowledged the librarian.
Rumor had it that there was loads of gold somewhere in Hamunapatra. However, there were also rumors that there were scarabs that loved the taste of human flesh.
It was rather weird since scarabs were scavengers instead of carnivores. Whatever made the movie scary, apparently.
Curious, Evylen decided to open the box.
There was a map inside.
"So, this is the map of Hamunapatra." said Evylen. The Medjai sure kept a close watch on that particular city. And yet, nobody knew why.
"By the way, who was the previous owner of a map?"
"Some man named Rick O'Connell. The Medjai put him on death row." said Jonathon.
"You think we should visit him?" asked Evylen.
Jonathon shrugged.
Evelyn decided to do just that.
I thought it was appropriate for Anck Su Numan to cripple the pharaoh before killing him considering whose portraying him.
If I write a sequel, I think I'll probably have Rick's son be portrayed by Chris. It seems appropriate. Of course, I wonder who's going to portray the Scorpion King.
Eh, I'll probably think of something.
Do you see why I made Beni Ernie the Giant Chicken? Heh heh.
Let me know if you have any suggestions as to which Family Guy character should portray which Mummy character. Of course I had my share of ideas already.
I'm not going to resurrect the mummy just yet...that would make this fanfic a little too fast paced. For now why don't we focus on our protagonists? As well as the morons that are eventually going to open the chest containing the Book Of The Dead despite the warnings.
In the next chapter, our heroes are going to see if they can find the secrets of Hamunapatra. They probably shouldn't.