Author's Note: All of the scenes and dialogue herein were written by Nicholas Sagan, except for the short scene in the transporter room that I added. The snippet of verse is from the poem "Leap Before You Look", written in December 1940, copyright Random House, Inc.
Jean-Luc Picard looked up at his companion from his seat by the fire. The strength of the mental link between them was growing after their enforced day together on Kesprytt III, and although he couldn't perceive most of her thoughts distinctly her emotions were coming through loud and clear. "No luck?"
No, nothing. Beverly Crusher sighed and shut down her tricorder. I'm tired, hungry, and frustrated. And hungry. "I'm beginning to think there's not a single thing on this planet we can eat." She positioned herself on a rock next to the fire Jean-Luc had started and drew her long legs up beneath her.
She could use some reassurance. As could I. "Well, by this time tomorrow we could be back on the Enterprise and you can plant yourself in front of a replicator with a knife and fork."
Sounds perfect. I could eat just about anything right now. "Remember that Vulcan dish I promised you for breakfast? Well I was just…" She stopped short as for a moment his thoughts appeared clearly in her mind. What? Jean-Luc, I didn't know…why didn't you ever say? "You hate having breakfast with me." I'm sorry. She felt disappointment and hurt rising within her and struggled to contain her reaction.
No! He could feel her distress keenly and rushed to clarify himself. "That's not true."
"Yes, it is. When I said breakfast, I heard you say, I hate that."
Perhaps I did, but –"That's not quite what I meant."
No? It seemed pretty clear to me. "Well, then what did you mean?" she asked, unable to keep the snarkiness out of her voice.
"It's just that I don't like…"
Oh. The light dawned. "What I've been choosing for breakfast recently."
Yes. "You see, I think that breakfast should be a simple meal and recently you've been ordering these elaborate things." Too elaborate. All I really need to start the day is caffeine and a croissant or two.
Once again she could hear his thoughts as plainly as if he'd spoken aloud. "Coffee and croissants, that's all you really want, isn't it? Coffee and croissants. Well, why didn't you just say so?"
"I didn't think it was important."
Well, it would have saved us both a lot of trouble, Beverly thought, reflexively remembering to catch herself before saying the acerbic words aloud.
But he caught the gist of her feelings. "You don't like those elaborate meals either."
"No, I usually prefer something simple myself but I thought you might enjoy more variety. Well, I guess its coffee and croissants for both of us from now on."
They shared a contented look and then lapsed into silence, both staring into the fire that popped and crackled before them. Jean-Luc reached for a loose stick and absently stirred the flames.
So beautiful…
Relaxing…
"I love firelight," they said together, then smiled at the mingling of their thoughts and words.
After a moment Jean-Luc quietly continued, "There's something about the flame, the smell of the smoke. It's always seemed to me to be…" he groped for the right word, "intoxicating, somehow."
Yes, it is. Beverly nodded. And it brings back memories… "I remember when Jack and I took Wesley on his first camping trip to Balfour Lake. Wesley kept throwing manta leaves in the fire, watching them pop. Jack kept telling him – what?" she broke off as a sudden maelstrom of emotions emanated clearly from her companion.
Nothing. It's nothing. He hunched inward, cursing anew his inability to control his feelings when it came to the woman sitting beside him.
"Jean-Luc, I heard you. Don't push it away. When I said Jack and I, I felt this sudden wave of… something." Envy. Yearning. Desire. Love. You love me. I didn't - "I didn't know you felt that way." I never imagined…oh, Jean-Luc.
"Didn't you?" How could you not?
There was the slightest hint of reproach in his gaze that for a moment made her feel very small. "I…I guess I always knew there was –" An interest? No, something stronger than that… "An attraction between us, right from the start. But I never knew how strongly you felt."
No, I made very sure of that. And I suppose it worked. Jean-Luc smiled ruefully, turning his gaze to the fire. Although, in some ways I wish it hadn't…Beverly. I've loved you for so long.
Suddenly she could feel the depth of his passion as almost a physical presence between them. Her heart stopped for an instant at the thought that this brilliant and extraordinary man had such intense feelings for her from the very start. It was flattering. And terrifying. "Why didn't you ever tell me you were in love with me?" she whispered.
Why? How could I? "You were married to my best friend," he replied, trying to keep his voice as mild as possible, striving to prevent any hint of the envy he still felt after all these years from leaking through.
Yes. Yes, I was.
He went on, "At first, I thought it was just harmless infatuation, something…hormonal rather than emotional."
But it wasn't, was it. "Then when the months went by and the three of us started spending more time together –" She trailed off.
Jean-Luc nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on the flames before him lest he reveal more than he had already. "I realized it was something else." It was real, true, love. For my best friend's wife. "And it wasn't right." Although it felt right. It has always felt right.
He went on, confessing, "But…although I would never act on it I couldn't help what I felt." I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I never wanted to hurt Jack, or you. Especially after he died. He looked over at her then, willing her to understand.
But now her eyes were on the flames as she pondered the implications of his words. I know. I know you didn't. You never would. "But then when Jack died you felt guilty."
Jean-Luc shook his head, drawing a deep breath. "I felt guilty before he died." Long before.
Beverly's eyes darted back to his face. You did?
Yes. Terribly guilty. "Having feelings like that for my best friend's wife." It was wrong of me, but I couldn't help it. "And then later, after the accident, I promised myself that I would never tell you how I felt. It would be like betraying my friend."
Ah. I see. Understanding dawned. "That's why you didn't want me on the Enterprise seven years ago." I'm sorry, Jean-Luc. I never realized how strongly you felt.
He nodded, his expression rueful. "I didn't know how I would react. And then, little by little, I realized that I…I didn't have those feelings any more. Twenty years is, after all, a long time." And gradually I was able to let go of the guilt. It helped, realizing that you didn't blame me for Jack's death. If you did you'd never have taken the CMO position under my command.
It is a long time. But look how far we've come together since then. How important we've become to each other. "And now we're friends," she smiled, holding out a hand to him. Needing to emphasize the potent, vital connection between them in a physical way. Best friends. You've been that to me for a long time now. And I'm very grateful for it.
Jean-Luc gripped her hand hard. "Yes, friends," he agreed. Best friends. Always that. And I'm willing to settle for that. But I do still love you. I always will.
He loves me – Jean-Luc, this amazing, extraordinary man. She couldn't suppress a responding surge of emotion within her at the thought. And I love him too. As a friend, and – as more? I don't know, I don't know, I can't tell right now. Beverly withdrew her hand from his as the silence between them began to grow strained. I'm sorry, Jean-Luc, she broadcast to him in her mind, not knowing if he could clearly distinguish the thought but unable to speak the words aloud. I don't want to hurt you, but I don't know what I'm feeling right now.
She stood with a sigh, briefly holding her hands out to the fire in a reflexive attempt to warm them. "Well, we still have a lot of ground to cover tomorrow. We should get some sleep." Please. I can't discuss this any more. Not now. Not tonight. It's too much…
"Right," he agreed reluctantly, his keen gaze taking in her clasped hands, the long slender fingers nervously rubbing one another, and sensing from her mind an uneasy mixture of anxiety, uncertainty and fatigue. I understand. I'm sorry I've upset you. I didn't mean to.
Slowly, feeling more self-conscious than she'd ever been in her life, Beverly circled the fire and lay down on her side, pillowing her head with one arm. She closed her eyes. I need to rest. I need to be ready for tomorrow. But I'm afraid that sleep won't come easily tonight.
Jean-Luc waited until he sensed that she had composed herself, both emotionally and physically, before moving to join her. Beverly. I regret that you found out this way, but I'm not sorry that you learned the truth. Since you joined the Enterprise I've grown to love you all over again, and I don't feel guilty about it any more. I resigned myself long ago to the reality that I could never have you as a partner in my life. That's why I tried to love the others – Vash, and Nella. Yet now that you know – might I dare hope that one day you could return my feelings? For a brief moment earlier, when their hands met, he'd sensed an unexpectedly warm, powerful emotion radiating towards him from his companion. Tenderness? Affection? Or, perhaps – something stronger? I wholeheartedly wish that I knew.
Still, I cannot afford myself the luxury of contemplating that now. First I must get us safely home.
He lay down next to her on his back, sufficiently close to maintain their link but not so close as to enter her personal space, and rested his hands across his chest. Despite the enormity of what had just transpired between them, he forced his mind to empty – a discipline he'd developed not long after assuming his first command – and drifted off to sleep.
They were on the move as soon as dawn broke the next morning, heading for the border. But the mountainous terrain was rocky and unforgiving, and they made slow time. The weak sun was just reaching its peak in the sky when they slowed at a vantage point along a ridgeline. Looking back, Jean-Luc spotted two Prytt soldiers coming up behind them.
You see them? he queried his companion. By now every thought was crystal clear between them.
Yes.
We need to move faster.
Beverly nodded. "Let's go."
They started down a narrow path that their rough map showed leading into a valley below.
Without warning a phaser blast fizzed between them, catching Picard and sending him flying head over heels down the steep slope.
Jean-Luc! Are you all right? Heedless of her own safety, Beverly ran headlong down the path to reach the place where he'd come to rest. If he's hurt…
Jean-Luc slid to a halt on his back. He could feel Beverly's fear for him surging through the link between them and hastened to reassure her. "I'm all right," he gritted as she helped haul him back to his feet. I'm ok, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Keep running!
You don't have to tell me twice!
They ran.
They quickly made their way down the rest of the path and out into a wide meadow.
It's too open, Jean-Luc determined. We're more vulnerable here. We must hurry.
They picked up their pace, but almost immediately slowed again as the air in front of them shimmered in a curtain of phosphorescent green light.
A force field. It's so high – there's no way across. Damn.
They had reached the border. And it was impassible.
Their mutual dismay resonated across the link between them, but not for long.
Options, we need options. Jean-Luc cast his gaze around for something, anything that could help them cross the barrier. There must be a way through!
Beverly swiftly contemplated the shimmering field before them. A force field is an energy barrier, so maybe I can try to disrupt it. "I think I can use the tricorder to set up a multiphase pulse. That should weaken the field enough to let us through." The tricorder's not made for this, but I have to try!
Jean-Luc felt hope rise within him as she lifted the device and started to work. Yes, you can do it. I know you can. But wait…that's not – "No, no. The modulation frequency is in the upper harmonic range."
Yes, of course. The music lover would know that. "Right."
Behind them he caught a flash of movement. Four Prytt troopers closing in on their position. "They're coming." Hurry!
Don't look, she told herself. Focus. I can do this. I must. "I'm working as fast as I can." Her fingers flew over the buttons.
Picard stood at her side, watchfully gazing over her shoulder for the oncoming soldiers. As a result he didn't see the small gap that suddenly arose in the force field directly behind him.
Beverly saw it appear, like a shining oasis in a desert. Without even taking time to think she reached out with her free hand and pushed her companion through the opening.
Jean-Luc stumbled from the unexpected push, quickly regained his balance and whirled back in the direction from which he'd come. Surprise and shock turned swiftly to dismay as he watched the slight gap in the force field shrink and then disappear altogether.
I did it! Beverly's lips curved upward in silent triumph. He's safe. She could almost have levitated with relief. But before she could make another move, the Prytt troopers converged on her position.
Horror flooded Jean-Luc. Beverly!
Her head throbbed with the anguish of his mental cry. His visceral, primal fear for her cut through her like a knife.
No! Jean-Luc's mind protested as he stared at the scene unfolding on the other side of the barrier. It was agony to watch helplessly as the four soldiers surrounded Beverly and gripped her arms tightly. She was only a few meters away from him, but they might as well have been light years apart. This isn't right. It should be me. Beverly – I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you.
Beverly was unable to tear her eyes from Jean-Luc's. His fear for her was so strong she could almost taste it. But beneath the fear, running through it like a vein of gold through iron ore, she could sense another, even more powerful emotion emanating from him. His love, his passion for her. Shining and elemental. As immutable as granite and as unchanging as the stars. She held onto it like a lifeline.
One of the troopers spoke into his communicator. "Minister, we have the human female. The male is standing in Kes territory."
Beverly struggled reflexively against the hold of her captors, her eyes still fixed on Jean-Luc's. The need to go to him was overwhelming, instinctive. I may never get to tell you –
No! Don't fight them! he willed her as forcefully as he could. Don't let them hurt you.
She relaxed, recognizing the wisdom of the command. Ok, ok, I won't.
Suddenly the tenor of his feelings changed dramatically – she could detect a steely resolve flowing through the link between them. I'll come for you, Beverly. I'll get you back.
His determination, implacable as a stone mountain, washed over her, bringing reassurance and comfort. She drew strength from his presence while she could. I know you will. I trust you, Jean-Luc. I always have.
He felt it then. Love. Intense, burning love. Smoldering deep beneath the surface, but there nonetheless. The same emotion he felt for her, that he'd felt for her for over twenty years.
Then, without warning, the transporter beam carried them both away.