Seems like just yesterday
Behind These Hazel Eyes
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI, I only own the story. I don't own this song either; Kelly Clarkson does.
Author's Note: I hope you all enjoy the ride. Read and review please!
The radio crackled on as a slender, long-fingered hand retreated to rest on the mug alongside its twin, a ring glinting in the light. As the first strains of music floated through the speakers clearly, recognition flashed in frighteningly insightful, intelligent, emerald eyes. Pink lips twisted wryly at the bitter irony: the song reflected her thoughts, feelings, and life.
She couldn't help the agony that welled up.
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like
nothin' could go wrong
She could still feel the pain of his betrayal – not that she didn't see it coming. What hurt most was the fact that her traitorous heart still loved him, still missed him. It stung that when things were quiet at night, she could almost hear his voice beside her ear, whispering sweet nothings that made her blush. When left to her own devices, she could see him, his sparkling, mischievous, blue-gray eyes, that wicked grin on his face. Worse, in bed, she could still feel his arms around her, the comforting weight of his body against hers.
Back then, she'd foolishly thought that everything would be all right.
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
As it was, here she sat at 4 am, curled up on the couch, listening to the early morning radio, nursing a hot cup of tea, wide-awake to the early morning New York traffic. Memories assaulted her, challenging the delicate balance of her emotions. Of her heart. She was barely clinging from the edge as it was. It had taken her longer than she'd wanted to recover from that fall, she wasn't about to go tumbling off that cliff again.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Brushing a few loose strands from her face, another image of him combing his fingers through her rich oak-brown hair as they lazed around in the grass during the summer rent her heart into two again. Well, another piece anyway, she didn't know how many pieces her heart was in anymore. She'd envisioned them gray-haired and happily in love while their grandkids danced around them, laughing joyfully. She thought he would be the one she'd marry. Hell, she even thought the feeling was mutual.
But she'd been wrong.
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see
The tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Forcefully swallowing the ridiculous tears that threatened to spill, she choked back a sob. She thought she'd numbed herself from the pain; yet, she felt it tearing her apart. She wouldn't cry though, she refused to. Having spilled so many tears already, she would rather gouge her eyes out than cry another drop. She hadn't let him see her tears back then and she wouldn't now.
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
As children, she'd told him nearly everything. As a teenager, she'd let him in when she'd closed everyone else off. Because he made her feel special – like a girl. He brought her out of her shell, but when he left, he took a part of her with him. Now standing in her place, was merely a shadow of who she used to be, copying her movements, but nothing else, not her smile, not her laugh, nothing.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see
the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
She wanted to rage at the unfairness of it all, but she didn't. She'd learned her mistake: she wore her heart on her sleeve for the whole world to see, that was her weakness – and she'd vowed to never again hand her enemies ammo on a silver platter that they'd use to destroy her with delight. To never leave herself open to that kind of torture.
To never, open her heart to anyone.
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore,anymore...
Wallowing in bitter scorn, she absentmindedly turned on the muted TV to the news channel. She hated herself for hating him, for giving him control over her. Finally paying attention to the news, her tattered heart died slowly. Cameras flashed in his face as his mouth mouthed the words 'no comment' and 'ongoing investigation'. Her heart was bleeding, but her face remained cold and impassive. She no longer let her heart rule. Her head ruled with chilling clarity, clamping down on her emotions.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see
the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Her mind gleefully reminded her of the joy on his face as he scooped the beautiful redhead into his arms for a kiss. Her heart clenched painfully even though that scene had appeared to get her heart to stop loving him. She'd quickly turned around and walked away when she caught his eye and hoped he'd write it off as a bad nightmare. She'd stumbled blindly through the rest of her day, forcing smiles and small talk when all she wanted to do was to go home. But when she got home, all she felt was pain: he used to look at her like that. That smile used to solely reserved for her. He used to hold her like that.
She used to be the only one that could bring him that much joy. But all that changed.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see
The tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Everything's changed, she realized. He'd been changing before her eyes and she'd been blind to it. She promised herself never to trust so blindly again. Or fall so hard. But then, the latter wasn't a choice: she couldn't fall for someone else when the shattered pieces of her heart still belonged to him. After that episode, she'd moved to Las Vegas for a job in the Forensics Lab. She had no problem adjusting, she adapted like a chameleon.
9 months later, here she was, back in the place that had caused her so much heartache. She was such a glutton for punishment. She sipped at her, now cold, cup of tea and looked up as the clock on the wall struck 5 o'clock. She heard a soft padding in the hallway even before she heard the voice.
"Mommy?" The woman looked over at the little girl standing in the doorway to the living room, rubbing her eyes sleepily, her favorite teddy bear dangling from her right hand. Smiling lovingly, she her cup on the coaster and beckoned for the little girl, "Come here, sweetheart." The little girl went obligingly into the woman's open arms as she wrapped her own around her mother's waist. As she inhaled the familiar smell of her beloved daughter, she felt the warmth all the way to her toes; her little girl was the only other person aside from Papi whose love she would never have to question. At the thought of her grandfather, the smile in her eyes brightened, they would see him again this weekend.
When she'd moved to the city, her grandfather had opted to stay out in the countryside, at the family ranch. Despite his reassurances, her grandfather was still an ailing elderly and needed someone to take care of him. He'd protested when she'd firmly insisted on getting up at the crack of dawn to drive 6 hours down to spend the weekend. She put her foot down and ignored him for once in her life.
Nuzzling her daughter's neck playfully, she tickled the 7 year-old lightly as her daughter giggled uncontrollably, not loud enough to wake her neighbors but not quiet either. She chuckled. Some days, her daughter and grandfather were the only things that kept her going.
And she'd be damned if she'd let anyone take either of them away or hurt them.